rage at my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I solved a lot of my issues when I started taking prempro.

I regained the patience I needed to handle a boy with typical teen issues. My son did all the same stuff, but once I handled it better, less of it escalated.

Are you coming up on menopause?

You medicated yourself? Funny..
Most parents blame the kids and have them medicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: OMG.... Yes! They are loud, eat snacks and leave shit all over, wet towels on the floor, grabbing snacks (I try to not buy much btw), always want to be on some form of electronics and are basically unhelpful. I want them to help with the dog a bit more, not complain about the trash and just do it.... I know saying things over and over takes away my power. I agree with everyone about the natural consequences of grades etc. It's tough though-- they are smart-- fortunately are getting good grades now and they are both very social. The thing is that I try to be calm and nice and then the switch flips upon not being heard. The bottom line is: I don't want them to feel that their mom raged or made the house chaotic. I will check out that book... but the interesting thing is that one kid has ADHD hyper and then other ADD inattentive.... They are both at good public schools and are doing well, but maybe they just hold it together all day and then just lose it when they come home...

No, that’s not the problem. The problem is that they are assholes, much like other teens.
If they leave crap out and don’t take out the trash I would wordlessly unplug and his the wi-fi router and go out for a couple hours so you don’t hear the whining. Think of some other good ones for them too please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I solved a lot of my issues when I started taking prempro.

I regained the patience I needed to handle a boy with typical teen issues. My son did all the same stuff, but once I handled it better, less of it escalated.

Are you coming up on menopause?

You medicated yourself? Funny..
Most parents blame the kids and have them medicated.

I suppose. It worked though. Rage is not healthy.

Prempro is HRT (estrogen and progesterone). I was really struggling with the hot flashes. I actually wasn't thinking so much about mood swings as I was about letting the thermostat go over 60 degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. I do this only when PMS. But my DH struggles with it. For him, its related to the need for anxiety/control. He recently worked with a therapist who instructed him on specific meditation techniques. It has helped a lot. The only other thing I suggest is you focus on controlling what you control. Can you just go to bed before your kids? I do, but my teen girl is trustworthy to put herself to bed when she finished her homework. She may be snapchatting later than she's allowed, but oh well . . . I'm happy with my book and not snapping myself (I get up early at 5:30 and I'm done by 9:00 pm).

Oooh! This sounds terrific. Are you able to describe them? Or did the therapist recommend a particular book or a link? Thx!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: OMG.... Yes! They are loud, eat snacks and leave shit all over, wet towels on the floor, grabbing snacks (I try to not buy much btw), always want to be on some form of electronics and are basically unhelpful. I want them to help with the dog a bit more, not complain about the trash and just do it.... I know saying things over and over takes away my power. I agree with everyone about the natural consequences of grades etc. It's tough though-- they are smart-- fortunately are getting good grades now and they are both very social. The thing is that I try to be calm and nice and then the switch flips upon not being heard. The bottom line is: I don't want them to feel that their mom raged or made the house chaotic. I will check out that book... but the interesting thing is that one kid has ADHD hyper and then other ADD inattentive.... They are both at good public schools and are doing well, but maybe they just hold it together all day and then just lose it when they come home...

No, that’s not the problem. The problem is that they are assholes, much like other teens.
If they leave crap out and don’t take out the trash I would wordlessly unplug and his the wi-fi router and go out for a couple hours so you don’t hear the whining. Think of some other good ones for them too please.

LOL. I love this. And I think you're on to something.

OP, I totally get where you're coming from! I was going to recommend a low dose of Lexapro, but it sounds like you're doing that, which is great. It definitely helps take the edge off for me.

Getting back to electronics, I personally think that's the place to start. When your sons do what they know they're supposed to around the house, they can have access to their devices. When they do not carry their weight around the house, they lose their access. Devices get plugged in to the charger in the kitchen. TV goes off. Computer goes off. Period.

Electronics are not an entitlement. They're a privilege for those who do their part for the family.

Sit down with your sons and put together a list of their responsibilities. Cleaning up after themselves. In common spaces and in their rooms. Putting laundry in the laundry bin. Eating snacks in the kitchen only. Responding verbally to your requests the first time -- so you don't have to repeat yourself. And whatever else you/they come up with. Have them sign it. You and DH, too.

If they keep their word, they keep their electronics privileges.

If they don't keep their word, they lose their electronics privileges.

And if they whine, complain, nag, or throw a fit about electronics, the loss gets larger -- they lose them for another hour/day/whatever.

The first few times will be miserable, but they need to see you're serious. Rather than use your voice (yelling/raging), you will take action. Every time until they step up.

In the meantime, I highly recommend Brene Brown's books and talks about shame. She's a wonderfully compassionate writer -- good stuff:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7E

[Anonymous]

For electronics, you can cut them off at a certain time. You can set the wireless router to cut off the internet for specific IP addresses at certain times. You can also install an app on their phone or tablet (if they have one) to lock all the apps at a certain time. You put a pwd protect on the app itself and settings so they can't uninstall it.

My kids are 9 and 12, and I am not looking forward to the teen years. I already get ragey at time. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Op here: thanks for so many of your thoughtful replies. I agree that I need to chill out and not micromanage. I think the idea of the router being turned off is the best idea. My husband is helpful— but he is allergic to chaos. And it’s tough bc I have a different sensory system— I am reactive. The combo of being reactive, getting overwhelmed with noise etc. combined with a highly spirited 11 year old and a teen boy is tough. I have read most of Brene Brown and am working on myself— always. It’s interesting— I am an only child who grew up with a single mother... so, ironically, I don’t like chaos either, but I exacerbate it through screaming. My younger son is very hard and my husband has a hard time too, really. I try to teach my boys emotional intelligence and I tell them that I have feelings too and that I don’t want to spend my night nagging about stuff. I’m going to try turning off the router at a set time.

[Anonymous]

Op again: one more thing— I really agree that rage is unhealthy. Maybe raging comes from childhood issues - not sure— but it feels awful...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I solved a lot of my issues when I started taking prempro.

I regained the patience I needed to handle a boy with typical teen issues. My son did all the same stuff, but once I handled it better, less of it escalated.

Are you coming up on menopause?

You medicated yourself? Funny..
Most parents blame the kids and have them medicated.

I suppose. It worked though. Rage is not healthy.

Prempro is HRT (estrogen and progesterone). I was really struggling with the hot flashes. I actually wasn't thinking so much about mood swings as I was about letting the thermostat go over 60 degrees.

Oh, yes me too with the thermostat. Menopause didn’t give me rage, but a low thyroid did years earlier ( they was bad for a while).

Menopause gave me endless hot flashes, no sleep and no brain. It was like having the flu 24/7. I lasted 1 week before meds for me too. Geez we have lives still at age 50 and that goes on for years and years.
Perimenopause is a wild ride though with the up and down hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: OMG.... Yes! They are loud, eat snacks and leave shit all over, wet towels on the floor, grabbing snacks (I try to not buy much btw), always want to be on some form of electronics and are basically unhelpful. I want them to help with the dog a bit more, not complain about the trash and just do it.... I know saying things over and over takes away my power. I agree with everyone about the natural consequences of grades etc. It's tough though-- they are smart-- fortunately are getting good grades now and they are both very social. The thing is that I try to be calm and nice and then the switch flips upon not being heard. The bottom line is: I don't want them to feel that their mom raged or made the house chaotic. I will check out that book... but the interesting thing is that one kid has ADHD hyper and then other ADD inattentive.... They are both at good public schools and are doing well, but maybe they just hold it together all day and then just lose it when they come home...

No, that’s not the problem. The problem is that they are assholes, much like other teens.
If they leave crap out and don’t take out the trash I would wordlessly unplug and his the wi-fi router and go out for a couple hours so you don’t hear the whining. Think of some other good ones for them too please.

LOL. I love this. And I think you're on to something.

OP, I totally get where you're coming from! I was going to recommend a low dose of Lexapro, but it sounds like you're doing that, which is great. It definitely helps take the edge off for me.

Getting back to electronics, I personally think that's the place to start. When your sons do what they know they're supposed to around the house, they can have access to their devices. When they do not carry their weight around the house, they lose their access. Devices get plugged in to the charger in the kitchen. TV goes off. Computer goes off. Period.

Electronics are not an entitlement. They're a privilege for those who do their part for the family.

Sit down with your sons and put together a list of their responsibilities. Cleaning up after themselves. In common spaces and in their rooms. Putting laundry in the laundry bin. Eating snacks in the kitchen only. Responding verbally to your requests the first time -- so you don't have to repeat yourself. And whatever else you/they come up with. Have them sign it. You and DH, too.

If they keep their word, they keep their electronics privileges.

If they don't keep their word, they lose their electronics privileges.

And if they whine, complain, nag, or throw a fit about electronics, the loss gets larger -- they lose them for another hour/day/whatever.

The first few times will be miserable, but they need to see you're serious. Rather than use your voice (yelling/raging), you will take action. Every time until they step up.

In the meantime, I highly recommend Brene Brown's books and talks about shame. She's a wonderfully compassionate writer -- good stuff:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7E

Momma has got to be in charge, I’m telling you. But the less you say the better. Tell them one time that if xyz is not done by x time that the WiFi goes away. You can even give them 24 hours notice, but just tell them once (you could text them).
But yeah, yank the plug and run. If they know how to plug it back in bring the router with you.
Go have some me time somewhere and enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

Ha! Yes— ugh. I’m 47! Dunno when menapause is coming... hopefully, that won’t shake things up more. Cannot deal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again: one more thing— I really agree that rage is unhealthy. Maybe raging comes from childhood issues - not sure— but it feels awful...

Just know we've all been there. Every single one of us. It feels awful, and we always have a chance to try again. We're all a work in progress.

As my kids' old Pre-K teacher used to say, "It's never too late to have a great day."

I love that saying and think of it often. She had such compassion for the kids in her classroom, and didn't hold a grudge. She truly meant it when she encouraged them to start over with a clean slate. I feel like things go much better when I treat myself that way -- when I stop judging myself for prior mistakes and give myself a chance to start over without judgment, self-blame, or shame. Somehow it helps me tap into a bit of calm and patience that is often otherwise out of reach.

And that wonderful Pre-K teacher that I quoted above? My "spirit animal" of patience? She's now a friend of mine, and guess what? She loses it sometimes with her DC, too. We're human. It happens.

When in doubt, be kind to yourself!

[Anonymous]

We uses to be like this. Then, I threw the tablet out of our 4th story window, and my husband crackes the second one over his knee. New child without electronics. The computer is in our room and DH sleeps during the day as he is on call most nights. I love this new child. No electronics for us.