Should you disclose serious mental illness when in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Upset that I hadn't known sooner.

And I'd break up with them. I'm not going to be involved with a schizophremic. I can't trust them to stay on their meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it should be disclosed within three months. My spouse hid a significant history of mental illness (schizophrenia) in his family, including his mother whom I never met. I didn't find out until many years after we were married. Apparently, onset was in late teens, including multiple suicide attempts. In contrast, I disclosed to him early in our relationship that I had a grandparent who was bipolar. I am now living with a great deal of anxiety in connection with the future mental health of my young teen children.

That's awful.

Wait. We're talking about mental illness in the actual person you're dating. Everyone has people in their family with a mental illness.

Schizophrenia is serious. Everyone would want to know if that's in your immediate family's gene pool. This woman now has to sweat it out as her kids age, worrying if they will have it. Not cool for her husband to withhold that info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it should be disclosed within three months. My spouse hid a significant history of mental illness (schizophrenia) in his family, including his mother whom I never met. I didn't find out until many years after we were married. Apparently, onset was in late teens, including multiple suicide attempts. In contrast, I disclosed to him early in our relationship that I had a grandparent who was bipolar. I am now living with a great deal of anxiety in connection with the future mental health of my young teen children.

That's awful.

Wait. We're talking about mental illness in the actual person you're dating. Everyone has people in their family with a mental illness.

Sure. But some mental illnesses are far, far worse than others.

[Anonymous]

I'd break up over it, because someone who doesn't trust me enough after a year to have shared something that important isn't someone I'm going to invest any more time into.

[Anonymous]

I would be PISSED if someone waited a year to tell me they were schizophrenic, or even that there was a high probability. That is a big deal.

My friend was engaged to a guy and very much in love. They ended up breaking up because he started exhibiting the symptoms and it apparently ran in his family.

[Anonymous]

How can you put a time frame on something like this? If I was casually dating a guy and it wasn't looking like something serious, just going out occasionally and still seeing other people, I wouldn't disclose.

If I'm seeing a guy and we are at the point of deciding to be exclusive and enter into a true relationship, than I would disclose at that time. Whether it be 1 month or 3 months.

But I think arbitrarily assigning a deadline is ridiculous because there are too many factors to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd break up over it, because someone who doesn't trust me enough after a year to have shared something that important isn't someone I'm going to invest any more time into.

This reasoning doesn't really make sense. If they just told you, then they trust you. Otherwise, they wouldn't tell you. Maybe it would make more sense to feel like they took too long to disclose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can you put a time frame on something like this? If I was casually dating a guy and it wasn't looking like something serious, just going out occasionally and still seeing other people, I wouldn't disclose.

If I'm seeing a guy and we are at the point of deciding to be exclusive and enter into a true relationship, than I would disclose at that time. Whether it be 1 month or 3 months.

But I think arbitrarily assigning a deadline is ridiculous because there are too many factors to consider.

+1

\thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd break up over it, because someone who doesn't trust me enough after a year to have shared something that important isn't someone I'm going to invest any more time into.

This reasoning doesn't really make sense. If they just told you, then they trust you. Otherwise, they wouldn't tell you. Maybe it would make more sense to feel like they took too long to disclose.

A year. That's treating the other person with disrespect.

[Anonymous]

YES. YES YOU SHOULD.
A THOUSAND TIMES YES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is DCUM, but I’m appalled by all the answers about disclosing a serious mental illness early. While I get that from the dating side it is optimal to be able to know someone’s “baggage” early, your desire to know does not trump their privacy and right to protect themselves from the stigma attached to being diagnosed with many mental illnesses.

I think it should be discussed when people start discussing their other personal baggage - like exes, difficult families, finances. For many people this is closer to the 6-12 month range, as relationships get serious. You know when you are dating that it takes time to build trust to expose your flaws to the other person, and that they are also likely to expose their flaws once they trust you.

FWIW, my now DH took over a year to tell me h struggled with anxiety. While he managed it without mEds at the time, it is now much worse (9yre later) even though he takes medicine. I thought this was an appropriate time frame to tell me about it, and wasn’t that shocked, as at that point, he had shown some signs of anxiety.

Depression and anxiety are quite a different animal than bipolar or schizophrenia. The seriousness of the mental illness has to be taken into consideration, it is a spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess the question should be "how soon..." but anyway. How would you react if you found out after a year that your SO is schizophrenic?

Angry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is DCUM, but I’m appalled by all the answers about disclosing a serious mental illness early. While I get that from the dating side it is optimal to be able to know someone’s “baggage” early, your desire to know does not trump their privacy and right to protect themselves from the stigma attached to being diagnosed with many mental illnesses.

I think it should be discussed when people start discussing their other personal baggage - like exes, difficult families, finances. For many people this is closer to the 6-12 month range, as relationships get serious. You know when you are dating that it takes time to build trust to expose your flaws to the other person, and that they are also likely to expose their flaws once they trust you.

FWIW, my now DH took over a year to tell me h struggled with anxiety. While he managed it without mEds at the time, it is now much worse (9yre later) even though he takes medicine. I thought this was an appropriate time frame to tell me about it, and wasn’t that shocked, as at that point, he had shown some signs of anxiety.

Depression and anxiety are quite a different animal than bipolar or schizophrenia. The seriousness of the mental illness has to be taken into consideration, it is a spectrum.

+1

I think the primary criterion of when something needs to be disclosed early-on is when it has a real potential of hurting the other person. I think schizophrenia falls into this category. Someone could have a psychotic break and become dangerous -- even if they would not have done so if they were of sound mind. I understand it can be controlled with meds, and this is a mitigating factor that the other person should have the opportunity to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 month to 3 months depending on the pace of the relationship

+1.

I'd say closer to 1 month.