Should you disclose serious mental illness when in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Before any sex and the risk of a pregnancy for sure. It should be revealed by the third date otherwise. It is most certainly a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

There should be online dating groups for people with mental health issues. Seriously. Perhaps there already are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disclose early, OP. Serious mental illness requires support and understanding. Don't waste time with someone who will not be there for you.

I agree with this, and will add that disclosing early tends to suggest you are someone who takes their illness seriously and treats it appropriately while waiting a year suggests you're more interested in hiding it than in managing it in a mature, responsible manner.

[Anonymous]

I think it should be disclosed within three months. My spouse hid a significant history of mental illness (schizophrenia) in his family, including his mother whom I never met. I didn't find out until many years after we were married. Apparently, onset was in late teens, including multiple suicide attempts. In contrast, I disclosed to him early in our relationship that I had a grandparent who was bipolar. I am now living with a great deal of anxiety in connection with the future mental health of my young teen children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it should be disclosed within three months. My spouse hid a significant history of mental illness (schizophrenia) in his family, including his mother whom I never met. I didn't find out until many years after we were married. Apparently, onset was in late teens, including multiple suicide attempts. In contrast, I disclosed to him early in our relationship that I had a grandparent who was bipolar. I am now living with a great deal of anxiety in connection with the future mental health of my young teen children.

That's awful.

[Anonymous]

I know this is DCUM, but I’m appalled by all the answers about disclosing a serious mental illness early. While I get that from the dating side it is optimal to be able to know someone’s “baggage” early, your desire to know does not trump their privacy and right to protect themselves from the stigma attached to being diagnosed with many mental illnesses.

I think it should be discussed when people start discussing their other personal baggage - like exes, difficult families, finances. For many people this is closer to the 6-12 month range, as relationships get serious. You know when you are dating that it takes time to build trust to expose your flaws to the other person, and that they are also likely to expose their flaws once they trust you.

FWIW, my now DH took over a year to tell me h struggled with anxiety. While he managed it without mEds at the time, it is now much worse (9yre later) even though he takes medicine. I thought this was an appropriate time frame to tell me about it, and wasn’t that shocked, as at that point, he had shown some signs of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disclose early, OP. Serious mental illness requires support and understanding. Don't waste time with someone who will not be there for you.

I agree with this, and will add that disclosing early tends to suggest you are someone who takes their illness seriously and treats it appropriately while waiting a year suggests you're more interested in hiding it than in managing it in a mature, responsible manner.

+1 many people don’t own their mental illness until it becomes so blatantly obvious that they can’t hide it (ie a manic episode for a bipolar person). I can handle someone who is on medication, sees the doctor regularly, and is open to help. I cannot handle someone like my bipolar schizophrenic brother who goes missing for 6 months doing blow in alleys.

[Anonymous]

I'm bipolar. I disclose during the first month

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is DCUM, but I’m appalled by all the answers about disclosing a serious mental illness early. While I get that from the dating side it is optimal to be able to know someone’s “baggage” early, your desire to know does not trump their privacy and right to protect themselves from the stigma attached to being diagnosed with many mental illnesses.

I think it should be discussed when people start discussing their other personal baggage - like exes, difficult families, finances. For many people this is closer to the 6-12 month range, as relationships get serious. You know when you are dating that it takes time to build trust to expose your flaws to the other person, and that they are also likely to expose their flaws once they trust you.

FWIW, my now DH took over a year to tell me h struggled with anxiety. While he managed it without mEds at the time, it is now much worse (9yre later) even though he takes medicine. I thought this was an appropriate time frame to tell me about it, and wasn’t that shocked, as at that point, he had shown some signs of anxiety.

Anxiety is different than schizophrenia.

[Anonymous]

The more serious the disease, the earlier you should disclose, with the understanding that it should and will limit your pool. You don't want to suffer in a long-temr relationship with someone who feels backed into a corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it should be disclosed within three months. My spouse hid a significant history of mental illness (schizophrenia) in his family, including his mother whom I never met. I didn't find out until many years after we were married. Apparently, onset was in late teens, including multiple suicide attempts. In contrast, I disclosed to him early in our relationship that I had a grandparent who was bipolar. I am now living with a great deal of anxiety in connection with the future mental health of my young teen children.

That's awful.

Wait. We're talking about mental illness in the actual person you're dating. Everyone has people in their family with a mental illness.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 1-3 months as a general guideline. It's enough time to get to know each other and assess basic attraction levels, spend time together--but not so much it's info overload, and not so late that material info has been withheld.

1 year in--that is problematically long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 1-3 months as a general guideline. It's enough time to get to know each other and assess basic attraction levels, spend time together--but not so much it's info overload, and not so late that material info has been withheld.

1 year in--that is problematically long.

It really depends on the illness and have fast things are progressing. I think a diagnosis of schizophrenia needs to be disclosed soon -- like around the time that the relationship is getting exclusive. Things like social anxiety, or "my grandma was manic depressive" can probably wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is DCUM, but I’m appalled by all the answers about disclosing a serious mental illness early. While I get that from the dating side it is optimal to be able to know someone’s “baggage” early, your desire to know does not trump their privacy and right to protect themselves from the stigma attached to being diagnosed with many mental illnesses.

I think it should be discussed when people start discussing their other personal baggage - like exes, difficult families, finances. For many people this is closer to the 6-12 month range, as relationships get serious. You know when you are dating that it takes time to build trust to expose your flaws to the other person, and that they are also likely to expose their flaws once they trust you.

FWIW, my now DH took over a year to tell me h struggled with anxiety. While he managed it without mEds at the time, it is now much worse (9yre later) even though he takes medicine. I thought this was an appropriate time frame to tell me about it, and wasn’t that shocked, as at that point, he had shown some signs of anxiety.

Anxiety is different than schizophrenia.

Anxiety-related disorders usually improve with age. Not always, but usually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm bipolar. I disclose during the first month

That's probably the right thing to do.