Would you marry a disabled person.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of it has to do with the person's attitude toward their disability. Stephen Colbert recently had a guest who was a model and athlete (a runner, I think) although missing her lower limbs. Can't remember her name. She was amazing. She was showing off her fake legs and apparently has several unique sets-- some for wearing high heels, some for running, etc. Some aren't even shaped like real legs because they're designed for special functions.

When I met my husband, he was recently in remission with cancer for the second time. A big part of what attracted me to him was the way he just relished life and was so enthusiastic about everything. It was particularly appealing at the time because I was struggling to finish my doctorate and feeling like my life was held hostage by the dissertation. Unfortunately, we're both just tired parents of a young child now! (although DH's energy and enthusiasm for DS still inspires)

[Anonymous]

Most disabled people are an inspiration to others. If you only got to know them you'd realize they overcame so much in their lives. I agree, it has a lot to do with person's attitude towards their disability. I met a lot of disabled athletes and they are truly an inspiration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most disabled people are an inspiration to others. If you only got to know them you'd realize they overcame so much in their lives. I agree, it has a lot to do with person's attitude towards their disability. I met a lot of disabled athletes and they are truly an inspiration.

Disabled people don't have to be an inspiration to others any more than anyone else does. If you don't like someone for themselves, why be around them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked in a psych hospital and saw a fair number of deaf people there. It was interesting how many emotional issues they have. I am no expert, but I would not venture into a relationship with a deaf person.
Blind is different to me. Perhaps because I was nearly blind before my lasik, and I can relate.
The main issue for me would be what would this man be like if I were the disabled one.
At the same time I would have a lot of trouble trusting my own husband if I knew he would not have given me a chance if I were in a wheel chair. It is best that we (me and DH) not have that discussion.

To the pp with the deaf husband. You seemed to have given it your best. You summarized it very well.

How did it differ from hearing people with emotional issues? Or how did it differ from the large numbers of deaf people who do not have issues at all?

"I saw some deaf people in a psych hospital" does not equate to "deaf people have a lot of issues". Just pointing that out.

As for the marriage issue - if the hearing partner suddenly becomes the interpreter/help/assistant that is where problems begin. I know many deaf-deaf and deaf-hearing marriages that are successful. As a hearing person who is an ASL/English bilingual I've rarely had any of my friends ask me to interpret and I'm not expected to. They are able to communicate on their own. I can count the amount of times I've done some rudimentary interpreting in a pinch on one hand. Even the times I've gone to doctor's appointments with one of my friends who is a Deaf mom and her young Deaf children she won't let me interpret as she can communicate with the doctors on her own. I'm a friend, not an interpreter or a personal assistant. It's important for people to recognize and respect that - and it's also important that we don't think that anyone who is considered "disabled" automatically needs help 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband is profoundly deaf but primarily an English speaker, with some signing as a back-up. Something like 90% of hearing-deaf marriages end in divorce, as ours did. Considering our incompatibility, our marriage would have ended if he were a concert pianist. But being married to a completely deaf person is really hard. You have to interpret at parties where it's too loud/dark for him to speech read, which means no independent conversations of your own. No concerts. No movies except a handful of captioned ones. You can't whisper to each other in bed without turning the light on. When the baby cries, he doesn't wake up and you end up doing 100% of nights on your own. I remember him waking me up when he was ready for work and saying "how'd the night go?" I wanted to kill him. But then, it would have felt weird to get him up just to bring the baby to me, even though my c-section recovery was horrible. When he'd yell from the next room, I'd have to go to him, but I couldn't yell to him. He had serious communication problems with our daughter when she was a toddler, and continues to be somewhat challenged in communicating with her. It's borderline dangerous to try to talk in the car, and my daughter can't talk to him at all from the back seat.

People who are deaf since birth or childhood can often have a more isolated approach to the rest of the world, because they have been shut out of many conversations through life, especially if they have been mainstreamed and not in the (signing) deaf community. For a hearing person, that capacity for solitude can be very challenging.

I know of two hearing-deaf couples who have worked out well so far. You have to be a very laid back person and it helps not to enjoy music too much, because for someone who uses speech reading and their limited residual hearing to communicate, background noise is challenging.

Studies show that in most hearing-deaf marriages, the hearing parent becomes the primary parent if the children are hearing. It can be a big strain on the hearing parent and a source of discord for the couple.

I don't know if I would marry someone with a mobility impairment, but people should not take the challenges of hearing-deaf relationships lightly. It is like two very foreign cultures, but without the capacity to assimilate fully.

I'm the previous ASL/English bilingual poster... just adding...

I know Deaf parents with kids. They are able to wake up in the middle of the night just like us hearing people. There are signalers that cause lights to flash or the bed to vibrate and they also have a video monitor so they can look at the baby without going into the room.

And as I said above - when we assume that someone needs help (even when it's not needed) or when suddenly you are unwillingly turned into an interpreter and personal assistant that is when problems begin.

You had the right to wake him up and ask for help or ask to get some technology so that he would be woken up whenever the baby cried. He was asking you about the nights - how come you didn't tell him? It seems that the issue was not his deafness, but communication as a couple to begin with.

As for the relationships with others - I suppose it depends. I rarely see this since most of my Deaf friends also have Deaf friends, Deaf/hearing families, etc. One family I know very well (and I nanny PT for their kids) have good jobs in hearing companies and are involved with company get togethers and trips. I've also seen entire conversations completed with pen and paper or through speechreading/speaking - it's not impossible (although speechreading is VERY difficult, especially when conditions are imperfect).

It is possible to communicate in the car. Although, it's more difficult to do so with speechreading then signing. It sounds as though your husband was primarily an English speaker and relied on speechreading which can be an issue (again, imperfect conditions).

[Anonymous]

I used to know one disabled young woman. She dated men, but found that the weird ones wanted to date her. Almost like the sickness that she hated was what they liked about her.
Once she decided to suggest a movie or a restaurant they did not like her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worked in a psych hospital and saw a fair number of deaf people there. It was interesting how many emotional issues they have. I am no expert, but I would not venture into a relationship with a deaf person.
Blind is different to me. Perhaps because I was nearly blind before my lasik, and I can relate.
The main issue for me would be what would this man be like if I were the disabled one.
At the same time I would have a lot of trouble trusting my own husband if I knew he would not have given me a chance if I were in a wheel chair. It is best that we (me and DH) not have that discussion.

To the pp with the deaf husband. You seemed to have given it your best. You summarized it very well.

How did it differ from hearing people with emotional issues? Or how did it differ from the large numbers of deaf people who do not have issues at all?

"I saw some deaf people in a psych hospital" does not equate to "deaf people have a lot of issues". Just pointing that out.

As for the marriage issue - if the hearing partner suddenly becomes the interpreter/help/assistant that is where problems begin. I know many deaf-deaf and deaf-hearing marriages that are successful. As a hearing person who is an ASL/English bilingual I've rarely had any of my friends ask me to interpret and I'm not expected to. They are able to communicate on their own. I can count the amount of times I've done some rudimentary interpreting in a pinch on one hand. Even the times I've gone to doctor's appointments with one of my friends who is a Deaf mom and her young Deaf children she won't let me interpret as she can communicate with the doctors on her own. I'm a friend, not an interpreter or a personal assistant. It's important for people to recognize and respect that - and it's also important that we don't think that anyone who is considered "disabled" automatically needs help 24/7.

Sounds to me like the poster who worked in the psych wards was suggesting there was a disproportionately high number of deaf patients compared to the patients in general.

I also don't think anyone on this thread has suggested or implied that anyone who is disabled requires help 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Date and then marry? Probably, but quite frankly it depends on the extent of the disability. Leave my husband? No.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, no. I grew up with chronically ill parents and as much as I would like to believe that I would, the truth is that I would be unlikely to be comfortable making a commitment to someone who I believed (rightly or wrongly) would entail so much more hard work in a relationship. My childhood was hard work, and I just don't have it in me to knowingly undertake something like that again.

That being said, having gone through my childhood, I know that I would be capable of handling an illness or disability in the fully-abled husband that I already have or in a future child. But I would not choose a disabled partner, nor would I adopt a special needs child. Most of the time I manage not to judge myself negatively for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, i understand that "disability" includes a wide range. But if ADHD is an issue, this thread could be interesting (type A living with ADHD)

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/220085.page#2208475

[Anonymous]

If the price is right.

[Anonymous]

I can't say for certainty. You can't help who you fall in love with, and if you are open to all kinds of people in different situations to begin with, I can see how easy it would be to find yourself in that situation.

I know that this can be VERY hard work- a lot of physical and emotional work that can take it's toll on even the most patient and understanding of spouses (on both ends, the spouse who is disabled and the spouse who is not). Honestly, I don't know if I would have what it takes. I get stressed too easily.

[Anonymous]

ugh "its" toll not it's toll. sorry.

[Anonymous]

What about marrying someone who is significantly older knowing you will primarily be their caregiver as they age?

[Anonymous]

For people who would not date/marry someone who was disabled - what is it that would prevent you from doing so? Is it a physical attraction thing, worrying about how it would limit your own life, or fear of having to take care of them?