Type As with ADHD Families

[Anonymous]

Wondering if anyone on the forum is a super-organized Type A personality who has both a spouse and kids who are creative, ADHD types.

If so, how do you cope? OTOH, happy that my spouse and children are happy with many interests. At the same time, the clutter in our house and the lack of organizational skills (and mediocre grades) drive me crazy and make me feel like a failure as a parent. Am always hearing "it's not your problem," but spouse and children don't seem to know or care how their inability to complete things on time affect me at both home and work.

[Anonymous]

Ooooh, I thought your thread title was about Type A Families dealing with ADHD Families, like, trying to deal with families who are loosey-goosey and don't like scheduling things in advance, etc. That is my problem! Aggravates me a lot! But I can see why your problem would be super-annoying as well. My condolences. I hope others can give you some advice or tips. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I know a guy who is type A and married to a classic Myers Briggs "P". The joke in his family as he describes it is that she needs time to be spontaneous and he needs things to be scheduled/get done. So they schedule a slot every weekend for "nothing" (aka, whatever she decides to do at the moment).

OP, maybe you could adapt the approach to your situation.

[Anonymous]

I have ADD and my husband is the type-A personality you describe. so I can definitely relate to this post.

can you give examples of how their ADD is affecting you at home and at work? might help me answer you a little better.

i know this is an anonymous forum so you feel like you can vent freely, which is great, but your vent is making me think that your ADD family is not being supported by you. I know it drives you crazy, but ADD is not a personality flaw. It is a real disorder and can seriously affect your relationships with your children if you aren't careful. I did not get diagnosed with ADD until I was an adult. My mom does not have ADD and she did not know how to relate to me. It drove her crazy that I was getting mediocre grades when obviously intelligent, that I was so sloppy and disorganized, and that I just generally did not have my act together. The stress (and yes, the feeling like a bad mother, as she has since confided in me) on her led to some really awful conflicts. She obviously thought I was lazy and entitled, when that wasn't the case at all. I just couldn't do it. When i was asked to focus on tasks that weren't interesting to me (cleaning, doing homework), it was like my brain just short-circuited. Would not compute. Couldn't focus at ALL. I'd end up wandering around my room, or doodling in the margins, and the arguments and fights would start again. (I still struggle with it, since I'm on DCUM right now when I should be working, ha).

If I were you, I would read some books on communicating with your ADHD children and husband and figure out a way to help THEM manage their disease. Are they diagnosed? If not, maybe they should be. If they are diagnosed, it sounds like they could benefit from some ADD coaching or individual therapy sessions. Therapy could help you too ... it could help you manage your sense of exasperation at having to put up with this in your life and give you some tools for coping and for helping THEM to cope.

[Anonymous]

15:45 here. I also want to say that if you are super-organized that is SUCH a blessing for your family. Use your skills to teach them. To you, it's going to feel as if you were speaking to a bunch of four year olds, but to them, it may be revelation after revelation. Get yourself a label maker and label where EVERYTHING goes. Start working on "full hands in, full hands out", i.e. when you leave a room to go to another room, take a bunch of stuff with you that belongs in that room and put it there. And above all, have patience. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint, but your guidance will really help them.

[Anonymous]

I'm super organized and my DH has ADHD as does one of my three kids, another one has other SNs and I have one typical child. It can be incredibly stressful and frustrating - no doubt about that. What has helped (in addition to counseling) is that my DH knows that my organizational abilities is what keeps things from falling apart. He doesn't resent me "assigning" him things and giving him lists. I've also revised what I consider a tidy house and have had to accept a certain level of clutter. His parents didn't do a good job of instilling habits in him that would help keep him organized and that's where we're both committed to doing better for our kids. For example, everyone's bag/backpack goes in their assigned cubby when they come in the door; keys/cellphones go in a bowl at the top of the stairs and every Sunday we spent half an hour cleaning out the cubbies and getting ready for Monday.

I suggest you look on the CHADD http://chadd.org/ website and other websites to learn more about how you can organize. My DH has also worked with an ADHD coach and that helped us get on the same page. The one we liked the best was Kim Smith Kidd http://www.kimandlaurie.com/

[Anonymous]

22:01 again. Couldn't sleep this morning and was reading CHADD's monthly magazine (free when you join CHADD) and saw an article in there "Survival Tips for the Spouse Who Doesn't Have ADHD". I tried finding it online but it's for subscribers only. However, ADDitude also has good information http://www.additudemag.com/ . Finally, I also found Gina Pera's book "Is It You, Me or Adult ADD?" to be helpful http://www.amazon.com/dp/0981548709/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=9600225501&hvpos=1t2&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=20166272431376492561&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_1nb334rfc2_b . You might check them out.