I don't think I can be friends with new cheap friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so hard making new friends as adults. I met a new friend and she is always itemizing checks when friends go out. Everyone wants to split the bill and she always insists on itemizing. What she doesn't realize is that people often get stuck paying for shared appetizers. Last time I ordered and paid for two appetizers. Today our friend got stuck paying for 3 appetizers. Every time I hang out with her, I think about her itemizing.

Is this normal to do?

I don't have any other friends who behave this way whether they are rich or poor. If I know my friend is struggling, I simply pick up the entire check.

As you can see from the responses, it's a fairly normal thing to want to itemize a bill. It may be that your rigidity is one of the reasons you find it difficult to make friends? I can go either way, depending on the group consensus. Now you know your friend's preferences and ought to be able to meet them when with her. If you order the apps, then you should be prepared to pay for them. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like, w/ these people, you should go to places that can easily do separate checks. That solves 90% of what you're describing.

If necessary, you say to your friend "Let's do separate checks. I don't like trying to itemize or worry about who ate what." I would even call ahead to wherever you're going and let them know that you will be a group of (however many) and you want separate checks so they know it coming in. If you manage it that way for a couple of times then it will become the habit.

[Anonymous]

When you go out with her, tell the waiter that you want separate checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH’s friends never want to itemize. They’re the same ones that roll to meals/outings with two kids and sometimes au pair in tow. We are a childfree couple. Sometimes we can even it out by ordering more drinks than we had planned to, just so we don’t feel like we’re getting taken advantage of, but other times that’s just not possible.

It’s gotten so bad that i’ve had to think of alternative ways to handle it - bring cash and say we’re paying for our share in cash and they can pay the rest, etc. I asked to itemize once but DH’s friend made a fuss about it. I’m slowly ghosting this couple, but I don’t want to drop them completely because it’s one of DH’s longtime friends.

I don’t think they think we’re cheap. If anything, I think they think we’re rolling in cash because we don’t have kids. Come to think about it, I may start dropping hints about all my law school loans the next time we see them.

The problem here is you. When the server comes over to greet you say "Could you keep us on separate checks please, he and I are together, and then the rest of the table on the other check". DONE.

Don't drop hints about your loans, wtf. Just get in the habit of requesting separate checks. If your "friends" don't like that, they aren't your friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely hate it when one or two people decide to order bottles of wine or appetizers “for the table” and then expect everyone to share the cost. It’s obnoxious. If you want it, order it, and then pay for it. Let everyone else do the same.

I agree this is obnoxious. It is as obnoxious as someone that itemizes a check down to the nickel during a meal where this didn't happen and everyone is roughly within 20 bucks of each other.

I loathe the itemizers OP, and I also tend to overpay than underpay. It speaks of a great lack of generosity. IMO the spirit of the event should be that all the friends want it to be easy and equitable. So if someone orders a bottle of wine then they volunteer to chip in more at the end, but getting into the details is annoying and awkward. I would prefer people on a budget just pick a less expensive restaurant.

[Anonymous]

My friends all tend to split the bill evenly but I make sure to pipe up and say "hey, I got more wine, so I'm adding in an extra ten. Kathy, you didn't get very much so don't put in as much." I'm also quite aware of who is on a tighter budget and am sensitive to whether they are overpaying.

if I or we haven't ordered more and its even or even if we've ordered less , we keep our mouth shut and share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends all tend to split the bill evenly but I make sure to pipe up and say "hey, I got more wine, so I'm adding in an extra ten. Kathy, you didn't get very much so don't put in as much." I'm also quite aware of who is on a tighter budget and am sensitive to whether they are overpaying.

if I or we haven't ordered more and its even or even if we've ordered less , we keep our mouth shut and share.

This is great that you do that. The problem is that most people that order more don’t!

[Anonymous]

Either ask for separate checks, refuse to split anything with her and pay for only what you eat, or split the bill evenly with as many people at the table. I notice whenever someone wants to "split some wine" - the bill goes through the roof, and I end up p!ssed off. So, no more of that part for me. Otherwise, we all split it evenly (no more bottles! LOL)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH’s friends never want to itemize. They’re the same ones that roll to meals/outings with two kids and sometimes au pair in tow. We are a childfree couple. Sometimes we can even it out by ordering more drinks than we had planned to, just so we don’t feel like we’re getting taken advantage of, but other times that’s just not possible.

It’s gotten so bad that i’ve had to think of alternative ways to handle it - bring cash and say we’re paying for our share in cash and they can pay the rest, etc. I asked to itemize once but DH’s friend made a fuss about it. I’m slowly ghosting this couple, but I don’t want to drop them completely because it’s one of DH’s longtime friends.

I don’t think they think we’re cheap. If anything, I think they think we’re rolling in cash because we don’t have kids. Come to think about it, I may start dropping hints about all my law school loans the next time we see them.

The problem here is you. When the server comes over to greet you say "Could you keep us on separate checks please, he and I are together, and then the rest of the table on the other check". DONE.

Don't drop hints about your loans, wtf. Just get in the habit of requesting separate checks. If your "friends" don't like that, they aren't your friends!

No, I tried to get separate checks. DH’s friend pitched a fit. Yes, I agree they’re not my friends.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like fast casual (Panera, etc.) is the only way to eat with her, or you start eating at yourself homes.

[Anonymous]

Just go to the fast casual places, where you pay on your own at the register.

Maybe she doesn't like all the appetizer ordering. I wouldn't, I'm an entree only kind of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is so hard making new friends as adults. I met a new friend and she is always itemizing checks when friends go out. Everyone wants to split the bill and she always insists on itemizing. What she doesn't realize is that people often get stuck paying for shared appetizers. Last time I ordered and paid for two appetizers. Today our friend got stuck paying for 3 appetizers. Every time I hang out with her, I think about her itemizing.

Is this normal to do?

I don't have any other friends who behave this way whether they are rich or poor. If I know my friend is struggling, I simply pick up the entire check.

As you can see from the responses, it's a fairly normal thing to want to itemize a bill. It may be that your rigidity is one of the reasons you find it difficult to make friends? I can go either way, depending on the group consensus. Now you know your friend's preferences and ought to be able to meet them when with her. If you order the apps, then you should be prepared to pay for them. Problem solved.

Yes, if you ordered the apps, you pay for the apps. Where's the problem? Oh right, you want others to subsidize your purchases.

[Anonymous]

I can actually see a friend not wanting to pay for appetizers that I had chosen and ordered off the menu myself, w/o their input. I guess it depends on how this is happening.

Ex: I look at the menu and choose to order the calamari. When the appetizer arrives, I offer to share it with everyone at the table. Then when the check comes, I expect to split the cost of the calamari with everyone else.....in that situation I think I would be wrong to expect everyone else to chip in for the calamari because I was the one who chose to order it and I was the one who offered to share it.

If the group chooses to order the calamari, then the group should split the cost. If one person in the group doesn't like or partake of the calamari, that person should not be expected to foot the bill for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like fast casual (Panera, etc.) is the only way to eat with her, or you start eating at yourself homes.

This simply isn’t true. It’s almost like you’re looking to punish her then. I go out a few times a year with my co-workers for various birthdays. We always pick a nice place yet we are miraculously able to itemize the bill, or at least ballpark everyone’s share close enough to keep everyone happy. It is really not that difficult to do this to respect people on a budget, people who don’t drink, and people who don’t order several courses. There is honestly no need to be a b*tch about it. If you have a huge issue with itemizing, then I suspect you’re one of the people who orders several drinks, appetizers, dessert, and the whole nine yards, and expects everyone to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

^^^^and to add, we all know by now to bring cash so there is no need to ask for a separate check on the basis that someone has a card. It’s so easy to itemize with cash.