New wife wants to know about finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

This may work. I can't even say I get him fancy stuff. He dresses in clothes from Gap, Old Navy and Kohl's Yes, we go to nice vacations together. Yes, I can afford them. I can't understand her resentment. I didn't come from money; in fact, I financially support my elderly mother. If you want finer things in life, you got to work for them. Or encourage your husband to apply for higher paying jobs.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't really matter. I can understand her resentment really well - behold! a boy who lives so much better than my children. Why is that? Unfair! My children should live this way.

She doesn't care that you work for your money. (Nor is it really necessary that you work for your money, you know. The world is full of people who have more money than her, there doesn't have to be a reason.) In her mind she's as good as you, and her children are as good as yours, and it's unfair that her children don't get what your child does, and by god, she's doing something about it.

So, as I said, just teach your son something to put her in her place. Because she IS overstepping her boundaries. He should not go along with intrusive questioning just because it comes from an adult. Children should be allowed to turn away from adults who misbehave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is feeling pinched and is laying the groundwork to reduce or eliminate his CS.

this. not cool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

OP. From what DS tells me, she really isn't "caring for him." Yes, they all eat together but other than that, everyone does their own thing. DS doesn't need diapers or to be chaperoned all the time. His siblings are much younger than him so there aren't that many sibling activities they can do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

No, she really isn't.

He is in his father's home. If the father is pushing off caretaking responsibilities to this wife, that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say they have 50/50?

It sounds to me like she has primary custody and their son visits at the other house.

OP here. It is not a 50/50 custody. We decided a long time ago, way before his marriage, that I have the primary custody. He sees DS every other weekend. I provide all the clothing, I buy all of his electronics, I cover extracurricular activities and he is on my insurance. Oh, and I also feed him. He never goes to his father's house hungry.

I think I am doing more than enough financially. If his new wife feels that $350 is a LOT, then she is well...sad.

My ex is remarried to someone who has also asked questions like this. I understand why you are frustrated and agree that it's not appropriate for either of them to be asking your son about your finances.

That said, I doubt that she's thinking about the amount that you spend on your son or thinking that you should do more. I think probably the most obvious answer is that for whatever reason, she wants that $350/mo for other things and is trying to suss out whether it's $350 that you truly need or $350 that you maybe could afford to part with. There's no tactful way to have that conversation, but I doubt it's driven by wanting to screw you and your son over so much as her own finances are squeezed in a way that an extra $350 a month might alleviate.

I do think that a conversation with your ex about this not being something you're comfortable with them asking your son about. If she wants to know the answers to those questions, she can ask you directly or take it to court. Leave the kid out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

No, she really isn't.

He is in his father's home. If the father is pushing off caretaking responsibilities to this wife, that's on him.

Look, she really is. Be as bitter about that as you need to be. But this woman married the boy's father, making her his step mother. She's family, even if he sees her only rarely and she doesn't provide care. I see my aunt once a year and she's still my family. I haven't seen my cousins in 4 years and they're still my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: divorced several years ago, lovely child, that exDH and I adore. ExDH remarries, has a few babies, lives frugally, his parents help him out from time to time.

I have recently found out that new wife has been asking DS about MY finances like how much I make, how much our vacation cost, how much my car costs. Damn, she even asked him how much I paid for his birthday present. Finally, she asked about how much my BF makes. Obviously, DS had no idea because that's smth neither his father or I felt we needed to share with him.

I should mention that the child support exDH pays is very little compared to how much I spend on our child. Yes, I make more than he does, primarily because I invested in my career early on.

Why would she care so much?

I'm a step mom. My husband pays child support. I don't care how much his ex makes unless something comes up regarding child support determination. But why would your ex know all this information about you and your boyfriend? You don't share that with him, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

No, she really isn't.

He is in his father's home. If the father is pushing off caretaking responsibilities to this wife, that's on him.

Look, she really is. Be as bitter about that as you need to be. But this woman married the boy's father, making her his step mother. She's family, even if he sees her only rarely and she doesn't provide care. I see my aunt once a year and she's still my family. I haven't seen my cousins in 4 years and they're still my family.

Your aunts and cousins are presumably related to you by blood.

Look, family means something. It means a degree of connection, consideration and deference not accorded to people who are not family. His father's new wife is just another adult to him - I doubt he feels any connection or consideration toward her. He doesn't owe her anything except politeness. It doesn't sound like they have a "close relationship."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

No, she really isn't.

He is in his father's home. If the father is pushing off caretaking responsibilities to this wife, that's on him.

Look, she really is. Be as bitter about that as you need to be. But this woman married the boy's father, making her his step mother. She's family, even if he sees her only rarely and she doesn't provide care. I see my aunt once a year and she's still my family. I haven't seen my cousins in 4 years and they're still my family.

Your aunts and cousins are presumably related to you by blood.

Look, family means something. It means a degree of connection, consideration and deference not accorded to people who are not family. His father's new wife is just another adult to him - I doubt he feels any connection or consideration toward her. He doesn't owe her anything except politeness. It doesn't sound like they have a "close relationship."

The cousins that I haven't seen in 4 years do not receive consideration and deference not accorded to my best friend, who I see weekly. It sounds like this kid has more of a relationship with his stepmom or "his father's wife" if you prefer that than I do with my cousins, who are related to me by blood. But why stop there! My uncle, married to my aunt, is not related to me by blood. He's related by marriage, like this woman is. Do I owe him a lower degree of consideration and deference because we are not related by blood or because I haven't seen him in 4 years either?

As someone whose parents were divorced and someone who is also now divorced, trust me. It pays to make sure that your kids have decent relationships with any step-parents in the picture. I'm all for not introducing kids to every girlfriend my ex brought home before he settled down, but his wife is a much bigger part of my daughter's family than the blood relations that she's never met, even though they only see each other every other weekend and aren't especially close.

[Anonymous]

"I don't think mom would be comfortable with you asking me questions like that. Why do you want to know?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you find this out?

Are you really this dumb? Clearly her son told her that step mom is asking these questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

No, she really isn't.

He is in his father's home. If the father is pushing off caretaking responsibilities to this wife, that's on him.

Look, she really is. Be as bitter about that as you need to be. But this woman married the boy's father, making her his step mother. She's family, even if he sees her only rarely and she doesn't provide care. I see my aunt once a year and she's still my family. I haven't seen my cousins in 4 years and they're still my family.

Your aunts and cousins are presumably related to you by blood.

Look, family means something. It means a degree of connection, consideration and deference not accorded to people who are not family. His father's new wife is just another adult to him - I doubt he feels any connection or consideration toward her. He doesn't owe her anything except politeness. It doesn't sound like they have a "close relationship."

I am not blood related to my child or stepchildren. Does that not make me his mom if the definition is blood related? A stepmom is family. Mom may not want her to be family but then she never should have agreed or asked for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.

DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.

That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.

His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.

Yes, she is a family member and probably caring for him while he is in their home.

OP. From what DS tells me, she really isn't "caring for him." Yes, they all eat together but other than that, everyone does their own thing. DS doesn't need diapers or to be chaperoned all the time. His siblings are much younger than him so there aren't that many sibling activities they can do together.

That's nice if Dad/child get some alone time but she's most likely doing the cooking, cleaning and shopping. Caring is a relative term. She may not be actually watching him but she cares for him and his needs in their home.