things you wish you knew as DC started HS...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talking about my oldest DC. By DC2 and DC3, we had figured it out. I wish I had been better about keeping things light and keeping the pressure to a minimum. They went to a pressure cooker HS where there was a lot of competition, including the college process. I wish I realized with my oldest that home should be the port in the storm -the place that lets them get away from all the pressure.

Amen, from the parent of 2 HS grads, now in college and law school, and a HS senior. With each successive child, we have dialed it back a notch. It's not easy to do that in this area, where every cocktail party conversation is about "the college process," but your family life will be so much happier if you make your home that haven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no formula (other than at large publics where it is pretty much formulaic because of the volume of applications), and gaming the system might work, but generally at a high cost to the kid's high school experience. Know that most kids love college and that is true even when the college they go to was low on their list. Don't manufacture a kid for the college process, it will not be worth it in the end and it probably will not work.

^^ -- And if they don't, they'll transfer and learn that when they're unhappy, they can figure out why and how to fix it. As for gaming the system, it's not a pretty sight -- sure, it looks great when you post on FB or slap that college decal on the back of your car, but it tends to create a weird dynamic between parent and child, and, in the long run, the result can be a young person who's learned to jump through hoops quite nimbly, but doesn't really have the self-knowledge necessary to live a happy, productive and authentic life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for those who mentioned getting a job or volunteering in the summers --

Let's say your child isn't motivated to do said job/volunteering. Teen would prefer to stay home and play video games. How do you get your teen on board with the goal of having activities/job/volunteering?

Some say "let them follow their passion" -- but what if their only "passion" is staying home and communicating by typing with people on a group server?

Require them to find a problem they are passionate about and to do some regarding that problem. If they are not passionate about any problems, then they need to get a job.

Well, make the kid be passionate about keeping the wireless going at home by putting in overtime at his crappy fast food job.

More seriously, not all kids are passionate. We sent our kid away as a Counselors Assistant. He had a great time and had the right amount of responsibility for where his head was at. It wasn't cheap, but it was a great post-Freshman summer.

Would he be interested in learning to design videogames? Or blogging video game reviews? Beta testing games for a developer? Working at Best Buy or GameStop?

Re the passion stuff, that’s only highly selective schools. And blogging doesn’t check the “real job” box (nor would video game design be likely to if he’s starting from scratch). So you could just let him enjoy his downtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for those who mentioned getting a job or volunteering in the summers --

Let's say your child isn't motivated to do said job/volunteering. Teen would prefer to stay home and play video games. How do you get your teen on board with the goal of having activities/job/volunteering?

Some say "let them follow their passion" -- but what if their only "passion" is staying home and communicating by typing with people on a group server?

Require them to find a problem they are passionate about and to do some regarding that problem. If they are not passionate about any problems, then they need to get a job.

Well, make the kid be passionate about keeping the wireless going at home by putting in overtime at his crappy fast food job.

More seriously, not all kids are passionate. We sent our kid away as a Counselors Assistant. He had a great time and had the right amount of responsibility for where his head was at. It wasn't cheap, but it was a great post-Freshman summer.

My freshman DC also isn't passionate about anything except playing videogames (and, no, not interested in programming, game design, etc. We've tried). But, he has learned that working is good because it gives him the money he wants to buy games, go to movies with friends, get nicer sneakers than I will pay for.

His first "job" was volunteering as a camp counselor the summer he was 13. The camp didn't pay him but DH and I did and we did the same last summer. He looks forward to working there for pay when he's 16. He has no interest in school extracurricular activities but when I sent him some info about an internship program that pays $300 after 3 mos he was great about applying and following through on everything.

If you pay for fun things for him, stop. That's the motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for those who mentioned getting a job or volunteering in the summers --

Let's say your child isn't motivated to do said job/volunteering. Teen would prefer to stay home and play video games. How do you get your teen on board with the goal of having activities/job/volunteering?

Some say "let them follow their passion" -- but what if their only "passion" is staying home and communicating by typing with people on a group server?

Require them to find a problem they are passionate about and to do some regarding that problem. If they are not passionate about any problems, then they need to get a job.

Well, make the kid be passionate about keeping the wireless going at home by putting in overtime at his crappy fast food job.

More seriously, not all kids are passionate. We sent our kid away as a Counselors Assistant. He had a great time and had the right amount of responsibility for where his head was at. It wasn't cheap, but it was a great post-Freshman summer.

My freshman DC also isn't passionate about anything except playing videogames (and, no, not interested in programming, game design, etc. We've tried). But, he has learned that working is good because it gives him the money he wants to buy games, go to movies with friends, get nicer sneakers than I will pay for.

His first "job" was volunteering as a camp counselor the summer he was 13. The camp didn't pay him but DH and I did and we did the same last summer. He looks forward to working there for pay when he's 16. He has no interest in school extracurricular activities but when I sent him some info about an internship program that pays $300 after 3 mos he was great about applying and following through on everything.

If you pay for fun things for him, stop. That's the motivation.

I think it's funny how everyone here assumed that it was a son/boy who was the game-server-enthusiast. It's not. It's my DD. She is not into programming. And no, I really don't pay for fun things for HER. She doesn't go anywhere or do anything or even want anything. She doesn't care about clothes/shoes/going places. She comes home from school. Does homework (more or less) and then signs on to her minecraft server.

Back to my question -- and I do appreciate the suggestions even if they ultimately don't fit -- do you tell your kid at a certain age: "Get a job for the summer" ? Do you then take them to the mall or Subway or wherever and wait for them to pick up an application? I mean, how does one parent a child and nudge them toward out-of-the-house activities if they do not already have the motivation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for those who mentioned getting a job or volunteering in the summers --

Let's say your child isn't motivated to do said job/volunteering. Teen would prefer to stay home and play video games. How do you get your teen on board with the goal of having activities/job/volunteering?

Some say "let them follow their passion" -- but what if their only "passion" is staying home and communicating by typing with people on a group server?

Require them to find a problem they are passionate about and to do some regarding that problem. If they are not passionate about any problems, then they need to get a job.

Well, make the kid be passionate about keeping the wireless going at home by putting in overtime at his crappy fast food job.

More seriously, not all kids are passionate. We sent our kid away as a Counselors Assistant. He had a great time and had the right amount of responsibility for where his head was at. It wasn't cheap, but it was a great post-Freshman summer.

My freshman DC also isn't passionate about anything except playing videogames (and, no, not interested in programming, game design, etc. We've tried). But, he has learned that working is good because it gives him the money he wants to buy games, go to movies with friends, get nicer sneakers than I will pay for.

His first "job" was volunteering as a camp counselor the summer he was 13. The camp didn't pay him but DH and I did and we did the same last summer. He looks forward to working there for pay when he's 16. He has no interest in school extracurricular activities but when I sent him some info about an internship program that pays $300 after 3 mos he was great about applying and following through on everything.

If you pay for fun things for him, stop. That's the motivation.

I think it's funny how everyone here assumed that it was a son/boy who was the game-server-enthusiast. It's not. It's my DD. She is not into programming. And no, I really don't pay for fun things for HER. She doesn't go anywhere or do anything or even want anything. She doesn't care about clothes/shoes/going places. She comes home from school. Does homework (more or less) and then signs on to her minecraft server.

Back to my question -- and I do appreciate the suggestions even if they ultimately don't fit -- do you tell your kid at a certain age: "Get a job for the summer" ? Do you then take them to the mall or Subway or wherever and wait for them to pick up an application? I mean, how does one parent a child and nudge them toward out-of-the-house activities if they do not already have the motivation?

You tell them at age XX, in our family, you must get a part-time/summer job -- either paid or unpaid (in our family it is 15). Have them start by writing a resume and researching options.

As for the process, most of them are online initially now.

[Anonymous]

My boys were motivated to work in the summer because I didn't hand them much $$ and they liked to go out with their friends. As young teens, they volunteered at the library, bible camp etc. Jobs are so important for teens. They learn responsibility, how to interact with a boss as well as customers. So yes, at age XX, you MUST do something during the summer months. And, increase their chore list as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the ACT and SAT/PSAT as early and often as you can for practice. The scores on those exams are very important.

Don't take SAT subject exams too early - 11th grade spring is fine.

Try to get a leadership position in some EC (I know it's hard but it helps). If you don't try to be noticed as a leader in any event.

Around 11th grade pay a lot of attention in class and make notes about good things that have happened in class -- did you do really well on a particular tough exam; did you participate really well in some discussion; etc. Because these teachers will likely be your college recommenders. If you can can make a memorable impression - or refresh the teacher's recollection with specifics of how you contributed - that will make for better recommendations.

Think about attending a summer camp in something at a school you would like to attend.

Contribute somewhere - at school, church, the animal shelter - wherever so you have some public service.

My daughter got shut down at most of the colleges she applied to. She had:

- straight A average, many Aps, scored 5s on most, 4s on the others
- lots of volunteer hours
- Years of music instruction - excellent piano player
- STEM award
- Wellesley book award
- Varsity sport
- Very high test scores
- Great letters of recommendation

What she didn't have:

- Not a minority
- Not poor
- No hook


Years ago, she would have had colleges chasing her. Nowadays, in this overly PC world, what she didn't have is much more important than what she did. I tried to explain this to my daughter prior but she (and my husband) thought I was over-exaggerating. She now doesn't and she watches what goes on at her college with a more critical eye.

Your kid will be better served by one of the colleges that don't put as much emphasis on their ratings and endowments, and puts much more effort into educating your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine: to calm the hell down and let them grow and explore and learn about themselves and make mistakes and figure it out. The amount of stressed out overhelicopter parenting in this area is insane, and it's not good for our kids (assuming you see your kids as unique individuals who deserve to be happy and well-adjusted, and not as pawns). It's not good when a 16 year old is constantly terrified of messing up

YES!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're a white gentile you can do everything right and your kid will still have basically no shot at the elites. Just be happy with UVA.

Or Asian, or a Jew. I told my daughter she could not change the fact she was a white Jewish girl. End of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the ACT and SAT/PSAT as early and often as you can for practice. The scores on those exams are very important.

Don't take SAT subject exams too early - 11th grade spring is fine.

Try to get a leadership position in some EC (I know it's hard but it helps). If you don't try to be noticed as a leader in any event.

Around 11th grade pay a lot of attention in class and make notes about good things that have happened in class -- did you do really well on a particular tough exam; did you participate really well in some discussion; etc. Because these teachers will likely be your college recommenders. If you can can make a memorable impression - or refresh the teacher's recollection with specifics of how you contributed - that will make for better recommendations.

Think about attending a summer camp in something at a school you would like to attend.

Contribute somewhere - at school, church, the animal shelter - wherever so you have some public service.

My daughter got shut down at most of the colleges she applied to. She had:

- straight A average, many Aps, scored 5s on most, 4s on the others
- lots of volunteer hours
- Years of music instruction - excellent piano player
- STEM award
- Wellesley book award
- Varsity sport
- Very high test scores
- Great letters of recommendation

What she didn't have:

- Not a minority
- Not poor
- No hook


Years ago, she would have had colleges chasing her. Nowadays, in this overly PC world, what she didn't have is much more important than what she did. I tried to explain this to my daughter prior but she (and my husband) thought I was over-exaggerating. She now doesn't and she watches what goes on at her college with a more critical eye.

Your kid will be better served by one of the colleges that don't put as much emphasis on their ratings and endowments, and puts much more effort into educating your child

You again? Please get over yourself and stop blaming PC culture on the fact that your daughter didn't carefully choose a few safety schools but instead applied to colleges where admissions is a crap shoot and stats like hers were a dime a dozen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the ACT and SAT/PSAT as early and often as you can for practice. The scores on those exams are very important.

Don't take SAT subject exams too early - 11th grade spring is fine.

Try to get a leadership position in some EC (I know it's hard but it helps). If you don't try to be noticed as a leader in any event.

Around 11th grade pay a lot of attention in class and make notes about good things that have happened in class -- did you do really well on a particular tough exam; did you participate really well in some discussion; etc. Because these teachers will likely be your college recommenders. If you can can make a memorable impression - or refresh the teacher's recollection with specifics of how you contributed - that will make for better recommendations.

Think about attending a summer camp in something at a school you would like to attend.

Contribute somewhere - at school, church, the animal shelter - wherever so you have some public service.

My daughter got shut down at most of the colleges she applied to. She had:

- straight A average, many Aps, scored 5s on most, 4s on the others
- lots of volunteer hours
- Years of music instruction - excellent piano player
- STEM award
- Wellesley book award
- Varsity sport
- Very high test scores
- Great letters of recommendation

What she didn't have:

- Not a minority
- Not poor
- No hook


Years ago, she would have had colleges chasing her. Nowadays, in this overly PC world, what she didn't have is much more important than what she did. I tried to explain this to my daughter prior but she (and my husband) thought I was over-exaggerating. She now doesn't and she watches what goes on at her college with a more critical eye.

Your kid will be better served by one of the colleges that don't put as much emphasis on their ratings and endowments, and puts much more effort into educating your child

Where did she apply?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the ACT and SAT/PSAT as early and often as you can for practice. The scores on those exams are very important.

Don't take SAT subject exams too early - 11th grade spring is fine.

Try to get a leadership position in some EC (I know it's hard but it helps). If you don't try to be noticed as a leader in any event.

Around 11th grade pay a lot of attention in class and make notes about good things that have happened in class -- did you do really well on a particular tough exam; did you participate really well in some discussion; etc. Because these teachers will likely be your college recommenders. If you can can make a memorable impression - or refresh the teacher's recollection with specifics of how you contributed - that will make for better recommendations.

Think about attending a summer camp in something at a school you would like to attend.

Contribute somewhere - at school, church, the animal shelter - wherever so you have some public service.

My daughter got shut down at most of the colleges she applied to. She had:

- straight A average, many Aps, scored 5s on most, 4s on the others
- lots of volunteer hours
- Years of music instruction - excellent piano player
- STEM award
- Wellesley book award
- Varsity sport
- Very high test scores
- Great letters of recommendation

What she didn't have:

- Not a minority
- Not poor
- No hook


Years ago, she would have had colleges chasing her. Nowadays, in this overly PC world, what she didn't have is much more important than what she did. I tried to explain this to my daughter prior but she (and my husband) thought I was over-exaggerating. She now doesn't and she watches what goes on at her college with a more critical eye.

Your kid will be better served by one of the colleges that don't put as much emphasis on their ratings and endowments, and puts much more effort into educating your child

You again? Please get over yourself and stop blaming PC culture on the fact that your daughter didn't carefully choose a few safety schools but instead applied to colleges where admissions is a crap shoot and stats like hers were a dime a dozen.

She did and got in. She's quite happy now. The PC culture IS to blame that some kids are blaming themselves for factors they can't control. My 16 year old son feels guilty that he was born white and wealthy. How ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the ACT and SAT/PSAT as early and often as you can for practice. The scores on those exams are very important.

Don't take SAT subject exams too early - 11th grade spring is fine.

Try to get a leadership position in some EC (I know it's hard but it helps). If you don't try to be noticed as a leader in any event.

Around 11th grade pay a lot of attention in class and make notes about good things that have happened in class -- did you do really well on a particular tough exam; did you participate really well in some discussion; etc. Because these teachers will likely be your college recommenders. If you can can make a memorable impression - or refresh the teacher's recollection with specifics of how you contributed - that will make for better recommendations.

Think about attending a summer camp in something at a school you would like to attend.

Contribute somewhere - at school, church, the animal shelter - wherever so you have some public service.

My daughter got shut down at most of the colleges she applied to. She had:

- straight A average, many Aps, scored 5s on most, 4s on the others
- lots of volunteer hours
- Years of music instruction - excellent piano player
- STEM award
- Wellesley book award
- Varsity sport
- Very high test scores
- Great letters of recommendation

What she didn't have:

- Not a minority
- Not poor
- No hook


Years ago, she would have had colleges chasing her. Nowadays, in this overly PC world, what she didn't have is much more important than what she did. I tried to explain this to my daughter prior but she (and my husband) thought I was over-exaggerating. She now doesn't and she watches what goes on at her college with a more critical eye.

Your kid will be better served by one of the colleges that don't put as much emphasis on their ratings and endowments, and puts much more effort into educating your child

Where did she apply?

To 9 different schools, including four safeties, carefully avoiding Ivys. She did not want to go to Ivys. Most out of state. She was even wait-listed at Boston College, for Christ sakes. That would have been a no-brainer even 10 years ago before this ridiculousness.

[Anonymous]

The best was when I was at an info session for parents and a lawyer in the audience started asking the admissions people about their admissions process. They didn't know he was a lawyer - I had spoken to him earlier and did. Everything was soft and fuzzy "we take off X hat and put on Y hat", etc. The more pointed his questions became, the less specific the admissions people were. It was clear they did not want any of us to know what went on behind the scenes, yet expected our tuition and endowments.