Love is Blind, do people really think about how things will be after having kids?

[Anonymous]

I did. That’s why we’re childfree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are also those of us who grew up with younger siblings, in big families, babysat a lot, nannied etc and were very excited to have kids. I always knew I’d have kids and though I admit I had it easy (pregnant immediately, easy breastfeeding with all, easy babies/no health issues no SN etc). I feel very lucky to have found parenthood to be pretty much as great (for me) as I had pictured it to be. I completely respect those who chose to not have kids, it was clear for many just like it was clear for me that I would have a family. Again- choices are amazing! I was grateful for birth control in the many years that I did not want to get pregnant.

I grew up babysitting a younger sibling, and it's part of what has made me not want to have kids. Just goes to show that not all people experience things the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people don't think about this. I did not. But I wasn't that interested in having any kids. Asked my DH if kids were a dealbreaker because it was not a priority for me. He decided he really wanted kids after we were married.

So what happened? Did you have them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, I thought about it. That's why we waited 15 years before we had kids. I was not at all surprised by the level of work kids bring. I was surprised at the depths of emotion.

I have zero sympathy for people who can't do a little research and understand the nuts and bolts of how hard and time consuming it is to raise kids. It's not like parents don't talk about it.

Yeah, I get why younger parents might not have a clue, but no excuse for the ones that have them later in life. It’s the only thing my friends talk about after they have kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always shocked at the issues that dating people do not discuss before deciding to get married. I don't think you can truly understand how things will change once you have kids, but you sure as heck can discuss priorities, philosophy, ideas, dreams, etc. Having a unified vision for what you want your family to be like sure can help you navigate the inevitable bumps along the way.

Don't be afraid to put the hard stuff on the table when you are dating!

Ditto. Maybe it's because I met DH when I was 30 and he was 36 but considering if we were a good match in terms of life goals was absolutely a a topic of discussion early in our relationship. I wanted to be a mother and wasn't going to waste time dating a guy who wasn't on the same page in terms of what his life goals were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s the proceational trick of parenthood. If people really understood it before entering, fewer babies would be born.

mommynesia comes to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. That’s why we’re childfree.

Same here! And extremely happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is impossible to truly understand how having kids changes everything until you do it.

What about people like me who could understand how having kids would change everything and therefore decided not to have kids?

If you also recognize that you’d never imagine the love and joy too, sure. I mean, whatever? No one cares.

I get love and joy from my spouse every day—probably so often and so abundantly because we decided against kids! Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people don't think about this. I did not. But I wasn't that interested in having any kids. Asked my DH if kids were a dealbreaker because it was not a priority for me. He decided he really wanted kids after we were married.

So what happened? Did you have them?

Yes, we have two. He kind of badgered me into it. I was resentful for a long time. I probably always will be. I love them, I even like them, but I still would have preferred my life not having kids. A woman usually ends up being the default parent even if the man "helps." It is just not how I wanted to spend 20 years. If he had said kids were a dealbreaker when we were dating, I would have ended it. He said they were not, so I kept dating him. I felt like he pulled a bait and switch on me. It has been hard on our sex life over the years but I don't feel guilty. It is hard to feel close to someone or want to when you feel like you are living their life and not your own. It't too much sacrifice for me, personally. I don't find much joy in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s the proceational trick of parenthood. If people really understood it before entering, fewer babies would be born.

I don't think so. Yeah, kids can be a PITA. But the love and joy totally outweigh the sleep deprivation, bodily fluids and tantrums. I had no idea just how madly crazy in love I would be with my child. I think if non-parents knew they'd feel this way, more people would have kids.

I've got to disagree, I'd invite the people on the fence about kids over to my place to help clean up the used toilet paper that our 6 year old stuck to the walls because he thought it was funny, or the next time the 10 year old has a melt down and says he's going to kill him self. I'd show them the financial outlay for childcare, psych testing, and medications. and point out that you could buy a brand new car every 2 years (in cash) for what we spend on average on child related expenses.

I look at people in the store with kids who are a little rambunctious and how they react and think that I can't even bring my kids because last time they ran off and started throwing can goods around and when I took them out of the store one ran in front of a moving car, while the other was telling me he was going to kill me in my sleep. The kid who ran in front of a car is fine the driver was paying attention and I was able to grab him before the car got close and the one who was saying he was going to kill me said he was sorry (like always).

So not everyone who has kids is thrilled with the 18+ year commitment.

[Anonymous]

I was 24 and he was 25. He says he thought about it and knew I'd be a great mom which I am. I thought about his earning potential which was lacking in my childhood. Sometimes I wonder if I should have considered it more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s the proceational trick of parenthood. If people really understood it before entering, fewer babies would be born.

I don't think so. Yeah, kids can be a PITA. But the love and joy totally outweigh the sleep deprivation, bodily fluids and tantrums. I had no idea just how madly crazy in love I would be with my child. I think if non-parents knew they'd feel this way, more people would have kids.

I've got to disagree, I'd invite the people on the fence about kids over to my place to help clean up the used toilet paper that our 6 year old stuck to the walls because he thought it was funny, or the next time the 10 year old has a melt down and says he's going to kill him self. I'd show them the financial outlay for childcare, psych testing, and medications. and point out that you could buy a brand new car every 2 years (in cash) for what we spend on average on child related expenses.

I look at people in the store with kids who are a little rambunctious and how they react and think that I can't even bring my kids because last time they ran off and started throwing can goods around and when I took them out of the store one ran in front of a moving car, while the other was telling me he was going to kill me in my sleep. The kid who ran in front of a car is fine the driver was paying attention and I was able to grab him before the car got close and the one who was saying he was going to kill me said he was sorry (like always).

So not everyone who has kids is thrilled with the 18+ year commitment.

...huh. You don't sound like you're in a healthy place, or have taken a real breath in quite some time.