Tween not completing assignments -- what are the consequences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just fyi...re: the study guide assignment that can't be made up. It is not 1% of her grade. Her grade dropped 6 percentage points for getting the equivalent of an F on this one assignment. As more points are added this quarter via tests and assignments, that one missing assignment will have less impact. But it is not 1% of the whole grade. It shows up as .53/1.0 on the gradebook.

For those who say "live and let live", such an attitude is contrary to the reason the district gives the info to parents and contrary to what teachers sat at BTSN. They want parents to help them by kerping tabs on kids....at leadt in ms.

If you always carry them, they will never learn to walk. Sometimes they fall down. Sometimes it hurts, a lot. That's how you learn. Would any of you want someone breathing down your neck every.single.day? Teach them to fear failure, let them know that the slightest misstep in middle school could cost them their entire future and you will have a kid who doesn't know how to recover, doesn't know how to innovate and is afraid to tell you anything.

I think there is a middle ground between teaching them to fear failure and letting them completely flounder and fail. And note that your method only works if students perceive bad grades as "hurt."

My middle schoolers didn't like me breathing down their neck, so I used that to my advantage. I expected my kids to pay attention/participate in class and do their homework. Those are bare minimum expectations. Gradewise, homework is a gimme--there is rarely a good reason for not getting it done and turning it in. I explained to my kids that if they demonstrated they couldn't meet bare minimum expectations, then they were showing me that they needed my involvement. Missing an assignment now and then isn't cause for concern, but a pattern of missed assignments was a problem. With both my kids, there were periods of time where I did need to breath down their necks to get them on track. As you note, they didn't like that, so that was motivation to get their shit together.

In my house, breathing down your neck means you have to show me on the homework website what your homework is, and then you have to show me the completed homework. (I don't check it.) And then once a week you have to show me on the gradebook page that homework has been received by the teacher. With DS2, a few months of this in 7th grade was enough to get him on track. (Although now he is in 9th grade, and it looks like another refresher might be needed.) With DS1, we had multiple rounds of my breathing down his neck followed by him doing it himself, followed by me having to get involved again, ad nauseum, all through middle school. "Fear of failure" was never an issue; until he was about 15, he didn't care about his grades at all. He did well in classes he liked (because he didn't mind or even enjoyed doing the work) and did poorly in classes he didn't like (because he didn't do the work), and that was fine with him. However, around age 15, he finally seemed to get that good grades were necessary to get where he wanted to go, and he really buckled down. After age 15, I never had to ask him again about homework or tests or papers. He became an excellent student and is now in college and thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just fyi...re: the study guide assignment that can't be made up. It is not 1% of her grade. Her grade dropped 6 percentage points for getting the equivalent of an F on this one assignment. As more points are added this quarter via tests and assignments, that one missing assignment will have less impact. But it is not 1% of the whole grade. It shows up as .53/1.0 on the gradebook.

For those who say "live and let live", such an attitude is contrary to the reason the district gives the info to parents and contrary to what teachers sat at BTSN. They want parents to help them by kerping tabs on kids....at leadt in ms.

If you always carry them, they will never learn to walk. Sometimes they fall down. Sometimes it hurts, a lot. That's how you learn. Would any of you want someone breathing down your neck every.single.day? Teach them to fear failure, let them know that the slightest misstep in middle school could cost them their entire future and you will have a kid who doesn't know how to recover, doesn't know how to innovate and is afraid to tell you anything.

I think there is a middle ground between teaching them to fear failure and letting them completely flounder and fail. And note that your method only works if students perceive bad grades as "hurt."

My middle schoolers didn't like me breathing down their neck, so I used that to my advantage. I expected my kids to pay attention/participate in class and do their homework. Those are bare minimum expectations. Gradewise, homework is a gimme--there is rarely a good reason for not getting it done and turning it in. I explained to my kids that if they demonstrated they couldn't meet bare minimum expectations, then they were showing me that they needed my involvement. Missing an assignment now and then isn't cause for concern, but a pattern of missed assignments was a problem. With both my kids, there were periods of time where I did need to breath down their necks to get them on track. As you note, they didn't like that, so that was motivation to get their shit together.

In my house, breathing down your neck means you have to show me on the homework website what your homework is, and then you have to show me the completed homework. (I don't check it.) And then once a week you have to show me on the gradebook page that homework has been received by the teacher. With DS2, a few months of this in 7th grade was enough to get him on track. (Although now he is in 9th grade, and it looks like another refresher might be needed.) With DS1, we had multiple rounds of my breathing down his neck followed by him doing it himself, followed by me having to get involved again, ad nauseum, all through middle school. "Fear of failure" was never an issue; until he was about 15, he didn't care about his grades at all. He did well in classes he liked (because he didn't mind or even enjoyed doing the work) and did poorly in classes he didn't like (because he didn't do the work), and that was fine with him. However, around age 15, he finally seemed to get that good grades were necessary to get where he wanted to go, and he really buckled down. After age 15, I never had to ask him again about homework or tests or papers. He became an excellent student and is now in college and thriving.

Having exactly the same experience with 14yr old DS -- we have the same expectations and approach and he sounds just like your DS. He'd pulled it together in 8th and made all As & Bs all quarters but after loosening the reins at the start of 9th we learned in first progress report that he's failing a class. So, we're back to me breathing down his neck, firm screen time limits, and a tutor for that class. Meanwhile he has As in the classes he likes. Encouraging to hear that yours finally grew up and starting caring about it! I keep waiting for that to kick in.

Meanwhile my DD freaks out if she gets anything below a 95 so I never look at her grades or homework because she's never given me cause to. I worry about her in other ways.

[Anonymous]

DS is in 7th grade. Last year, I started out the year helping him get organized before school (binders and such) then organize how he would stay on top of his work, etc. I would check in with him every couple of days on how things were going and I generally knew what quizzes/tests were coming up and such. It went well and as the year went along, I loosened the reins.

This year, I helped him get organized before school started and then I told him he was on his own unless there were issues. He is a conscientious kid so there have not been. I still generally know when he has quizzes and tests (they send a weekly update from school) and I know his grades because there is a grade app.

He comes home from school and does all of his homework and studying before jumping on the computer/ipad (video gaming). This is with no supervision. He knows that grades are important because that is what leads to college and college is what leads to jobs and that grades are (mostly to a reasonable) degree a reflection of the level of effort. School is like a job, it is a responsibility. It is ok to make mistakes, ok to get a bad grade because something was difficult. Not ok to get a bad grade because he did not work at it. The consequences would be removal of his electronics. We haven't had to do anything yet.

The real life consequences are bad grades but they are still kids and I don't think that they completely understand the impact because it is not immediate. As he gets older, it will be more about real life consequences, but at this age, I think he still needs us to parent him in this way. Each year means more responsibility and more independence.