For those who talk, text, email family daily - what helped you be so close?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my early 30s, and definitely at the age where it's clear some people really love and enjoy and cherish time with their families, and some do it minimally / out of obligation only. So in general, major +1 to having at least one daughter/sister in the family, from what I've seen. I also think fostering good downtime memories when the kids are growing up also helps (have nightly family dinner, take regular family vacations). But also: the parents' attitude as kids cross from childhood to adulthood is huge. Some parents continue to treat their children as children, they nag and judge and make snide little comments here and there. They use guilt trips to get kids to call / visit more. Surprise surprise, visiting and staying in touch becomes more of an obligation; an unpleasant chore. So, then there's the opposite: be accepting and fun. Don't just talk AT your children, talk with them. Foster a new friendship-level relationship with them. Make your home a happy and welcome and fun place to be - don't nag them about visiting (or about not going out to see friends, etc, when they visit from out of town). If possible, continue to take family vacations once your kids have grown and married - that kind of bonding experience and the memories made go a long way

This is very wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who loved each other and put family first. No history of divorce, cheating, addiction, abuse, adultery. Educated and moral parents. Liberal, compassionate, spiritual. Non-White, Non Christian. Gave the same amount to everyone and divvied up the property equally.

This is such a bizarre response to OP’s question.

Not really. Bizarre only to White people.

Nope. Just plain bizarre. Brings that poster's intelligence into question, for sure

Look at the person who shot all those people in Las Vegas. His brother is saying that it was a surprise that he turned out to be a criminal. This kind of disconnect mainly happens in White families.

Right! Yes, of course. Great mental leap, superb reasoning skills on your part. It's clear you're quite intelligent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who loved each other and put family first. No history of divorce, cheating, addiction, abuse, adultery. Educated and moral parents. Liberal, compassionate, spiritual. Non-White, Non Christian. Gave the same amount to everyone and divvied up the property equally.

This is such a bizarre response to OP’s question.

Not really. Bizarre only to White people.

NP. I had to reread it a few times but I'm guessing the poster meant to say she herself I s liberal, compassionate, spiritual, non-white, and non-Christian. But I could be wrong.

To me it’s bizarr to recommend being non-white and non-Christian as a strategy for a successful family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who loved each other and put family first. No history of divorce, cheating, addiction, abuse, adultery. Educated and moral parents. Liberal, compassionate, spiritual. Non-White, Non Christian. Gave the same amount to everyone and divvied up the property equally.

This is such a bizarre response to OP’s question.

Not really. Bizarre only to White people.

Nope. Just plain bizarre. Brings that poster's intelligence into question, for sure

Look at the person who shot all those people in Las Vegas. His brother is saying that it was a surprise that he turned out to be a criminal. This kind of disconnect mainly happens in White families.

Um what? I am pretty sure the parents (usually mothers who think their son could never do anything like this...again) of the gang bangers in Chicago feel they are connected to their completely depraved and inhumane children who have shot babies in strollers. Disconnect comes in many forms my friend.

OP, for us it is a shared bond over our lives. One sibling has managed to become an outsider but the rest of us talk constantly. We all were very close growing up and close in age. Our parents were very good about not treating one different than the other. The 4 of us who are in constant contact speak daily either by text or phone. Our vacations are to see each other so our kids can grow up together too. They are my people and I love them!

You are literally just as disgusting as the person you think is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a different country with grandparents on both sides that we saw very regularly and cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I remember it as idyllic.
My father took care of his mother and my mom's parents lived in the same house as us so I had great examples of what a good family does.

I moved to the US in my early 20s and the relationship with my parents became very superficial and sporadic. Especially my dad has never shown an interest in my life over here either professional or personal. He did not meet my son until my son was 6 years old and we went to visit my parents.

It hurts that our relationship is what it is but I have given up trying and just try to accept it. I have no idea why we are this way given the family history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents who loved each other and put family first. No history of divorce, cheating, addiction, abuse, adultery. Educated and moral parents. Liberal, compassionate, spiritual. Non-White, Non Christian. Gave the same amount to everyone and divvied up the property equally.

x10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my early 30s, and definitely at the age where it's clear some people really love and enjoy and cherish time with their families, and some do it minimally / out of obligation only. So in general, major +1 to having at least one daughter/sister in the family, from what I've seen. I also think fostering good downtime memories when the kids are growing up also helps (have nightly family dinner, take regular family vacations). But also: the parents' attitude as kids cross from childhood to adulthood is huge. Some parents continue to treat their children as children, they nag and judge and make snide little comments here and there. They use guilt trips to get kids to call / visit more. Surprise surprise, visiting and staying in touch becomes more of an obligation; an unpleasant chore. So, then there's the opposite: be accepting and fun. Don't just talk AT your children, talk with them. Foster a new friendship-level relationship with them. Make your home a happy and welcome and fun place to be - don't nag them about visiting (or about not going out to see friends, etc, when they visit from out of town). If possible, continue to take family vacations once your kids have grown and married - that kind of bonding experience and the memories made go a long way

Agree. To add, if you didn't have fun together/enjoy each other growing up, don't expect to "magically" have fun together/enjoy each other as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents who loved each other and put family first. No history of divorce, cheating, addiction, abuse, adultery. Educated and moral parents. Liberal, compassionate, spiritual. Non-White, Non Christian. Gave the same amount to everyone and divvied up the property equally.

Ha. I talk and text with my mom and sister daily, and we are the exact opposite of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sudden death of a sibling. Huge wake up call. I never end a convo without saying I love you. You never know when it will be the last.

Exactly this. My only sibling died by suicide. My relationship with my parents had been pretty bad before and this transformed it. All the ways we aggravated each other--they just didn't really matter much anymore. We needed each other and that superseded everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Growing up our parents always made it clear that we needed to be kind and loving to one another and that we woukd always take care of each other.

We were a big family (6 kids) and we always stepped in for our sibling to fill voids that our parents could not fill. My dad could be exceptionally disfunctional, and we tried to help one another through the hard spots.

We also had a lot of fun together, giggling, sharing stories, enjoying on another's company. We fought, but if anyone from the outside messed with us we would circle the wagons.

I am very close to my parents, siblings, their spouses, and their children. I talk to each one of them every day if possible. I work with my mom, and my brother worked with my dad up until retirement this year. Came from a family of three kids. I am the oldest. I relate to the bolder statement above. My parents both worked full time. From the time I was 12 on, we didn't have nannies or babysitters. I took care of my siblings. Got them to and from school (walking). I was responsible for them until 530 pm. Had to get dinner started etc... I hated it at the time. But looking back it made us close as kids. We relied on eachother as our own unit. My parents were strict about enforcing the idea that we work as a family, and play as a family. We were allowed to sit around while our parents did chores. We had to help. My parents both came from broken families with no relationships with their siblings. They swore they would not let that happen to them. My mom is the glue in our family. She is the kindness, the peacemaker, the encourager, she always rallies our family together. I think having 'the glue" in your family will make all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Pp *we weren't allowed to sit around

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think a lot has to do with the personalities of the siblings. We have a family history of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). The good news is those with NPD are very successful in their careers and able to live independently and have people sucking up to them. The bad news the ones with NPD cause a lot of drama, have lots of cutoffs (driving spouses/siblings/friends to the point of cutting off with them). No amount of great parenting is going to help family relationships there and personality disorders are extremely hard to treat, especially when the people with them don't see a problem. With my own sister who has NPD we have a better relationship with her ex who finally got away and I am so glad to he is happy and thriving now given what he endured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Honestly, I think a lot has to do with the personalities of the siblings. We have a family history of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). The good news is those with NPD are very successful in their careers and able to live independently and have people sucking up to them. The bad news the ones with NPD cause a lot of drama, have lots of cutoffs (driving spouses/siblings/friends to the point of cutting off with them). No amount of great parenting is going to help family relationships there and personality disorders are extremely hard to treat, especially when the people with them don't see a problem. With my own sister who has NPD we have a better relationship with her ex who finally got away and I am so glad to he is happy and thriving now given what he endured.

I meant those with NPD in my own family are very successful in their careers-not in all families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who loved each other and put family first. No history of divorce, cheating, addiction, abuse, adultery. Educated and moral parents. Liberal, compassionate, spiritual. Non-White, Non Christian. Gave the same amount to everyone and divvied up the property equally.

This is such a bizarre response to OP’s question.

Not really. Bizarre only to White people.

Nope. Just plain bizarre. Brings that poster's intelligence into question, for sure

Look at the person who shot all those people in Las Vegas. His brother is saying that it was a surprise that he turned out to be a criminal. This kind of disconnect mainly happens in White families.

Um what? I am pretty sure the parents (usually mothers who think their son could never do anything like this...again) of the gang bangers in Chicago feel they are connected to their completely depraved and inhumane children who have shot babies in strollers. Disconnect comes in many forms my friend.

OP, for us it is a shared bond over our lives. One sibling has managed to become an outsider but the rest of us talk constantly. We all were very close growing up and close in age. Our parents were very good about not treating one different than the other. The 4 of us who are in constant contact speak daily either by text or phone. Our vacations are to see each other so our kids can grow up together too. They are my people and I love them!

You are literally just as disgusting as the person you think is disgusting.

Why is it that if someone points out some positive about being non-white on this board, you white people start going in on black people? The poster said she was a non-White, non-Christian...not that she was black. Most black Americans identify as Christian, so why did you jump to that conclusion? Nobody started talking all crazy about Asians and Eastern Euros...and they have their sets of issues, too. Anyway...

I think race and religion are relevant here in that they perhaps had a closer bond if they grew up in an environment where they were in the minority and really only had each other to buffer that. Also, Latinx families, as an example, also share a common language. Middle Eastern/Muslim families have different traditions and holidays. Black families are historically rooted in family (including extended family) and community for many reasons. We do tend to perceive ourselves as closer-knit within our immediate families.

But to the non-W, non-Xtian poster...while white men almost exclusively commit mass shootings, we should be very careful about making statements about mental health and race based on that fact alone. White men have the resources and autonomy to carry out these types of events - they are not necessarily crazier. The deliberate killing of the babies by gang members as retribution (which is not a common thing or even like an epidemic in the black community btw) - and in fact, the prevalence of cyclical violence across many demographics that have been traumatized for generations - can also be attributed to psychological factors just as much as white men shooting up random groups of strangers. We have to be careful as minorities to stop spreading false information within our communities. Suicide rates among black and latinx men are on the rise, which is just one indicator that no matter how close-knit you are with your families and communities, you can hide a psychological disorder that turns into a full crisis from the people you love the most. I know that we make jokes within our circles about people being "white people crazy" but this is just not the forum for that and had no place in this discussion.

[Anonymous]

my parents and brother live overseas. i facetime with parents twice a day or so, with my brother once a week, i call my grandparents once a week. I also make sure that my kids facetime with their cousins and grandparents on the weekend. Family is important. yes it's an effort.