It's always me who stays home with sick child

[Anonymous]

What's "fair" is what works. Presumably you both need to keep your jobs. So If you get fired for taking too much leave, that's a problem. And presumably he can take some sick days.

[Anonymous]

One thing that's helped us is having DH work from home, even just a little bit.

As I ramp back up my work (I am PT, but mostly work from home, so my flexibility has been huge) we are finding more conflicts arise. DH hates working from home, but has come around a little bit. Our DC is a bit older now, so if he can just WAH one day while DC rests or reads or quietly plays, it's no biggie at all, and it takes away the element of "Can I please request a day...." because it just becomes another telework day. Can your DH do that, or is your kid still young/needy?

[Anonymous]

I earn less money and have more flexibility than DH, but I told him that I thought taking as much sick leave as I was was hurting my status at work a little. (They were very understanding, but still. The work needs to get done.)

After that, he stayed home whenever possible, which wasn't very often, but it was something.

Also, he was in charge of taking the kids for doctor and dental visits, because those were scheduled and he could plan around them. Same for scheduled school closings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He makes more moron

Dick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your 5 yo sick so often? Might want to look into that. By 5 most kids are sick 1-2 times a year.

About to ask the same thing. OP also mentioned "kids" but specifically addressed the illness of a 5 year old. Unless a chronic condition, most 5 year olds are pretty healthy. Could the child be sick so often because she wants you to stay home with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband makes a lot more money than I do (I scaled back when we had kids) and so whenever our kid is sick (which is a lot - she is 5) I am the default parent to call into work. Does this seem fair? I'm afraid my boss will lose patience with me.

So sit down and talk it through with your husband. This is what we do. We communicate and figure it out. I make more than my wife, but that doesn't mean I don't stay home with the kids when they're sick. When we know one of them is sick, we both look at what is happening at work and whose schedule has the most flexibility that day. Sometimes it's me and sometimes it's her.

This. You scaled back to devote more time to family, so he could focus on career presumably. But you need both of your salaries and your job performance is suffering. This is not a mathematical calculation about earnings versus career sacrifice, it's about being in a partnership and equitably balancing the load. I have a lot more flexibility to take off unplanned days, but have to take PTO for every hour I take. DH has less flexibility due to meetings, etc., but more flexibility to make up for hours by getting work done in the evenings. So we rotate days off based on the circumstances. Teamwork, baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I generally think that's fair since he makes more therefore presumably you all "need" his job more but you can discuss whether he has any flexibility to take time off sometimes. If you don't have family around who would take a sick kid to watch, you can also try to find a babysitter who could watch her on not particularly contagious days like ear infection.

This attitude is risky. Endangering the lower paying job means 1) you have no fall back option if the higher earner loses their job, and 2) you very likely will reduce overall HHI over time since the net impact (let's say in future raises) is that the third time you miss work is likely to be more impactful than the first time you miss work.

But, marriages in 2017 are more than economic arrangements. Taking care of a sick kid is no fun, and it doesn't sound like you're comfortable being the default parent. Talk to your DH...and unless you negotiate all of your conflicts in financial terms, it's okay for part of the discussion to include what makes you happy. That could be having less sick kid duty...or it could be having a job, for whatever pay, which you are now in danger of losing.

[Anonymous]

This is usually me too. But DH owns a company and he decided to take more responsibility for kid stuff because a) he loves our kids and b) he wants his employees to feel that they can take time for family too. Talk with your husband and see if he is willing to chip in to reduce your stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your 5 yo sick so often? Might want to look into that. By 5 most kids are sick 1-2 times a year.

You stuck your kids in daycare for 12 hours a day since they were a newborn. Some people wait until their babies are older to do that.

and this is what happens, they get behind in school because you've been sheltering them from life...

Not sending them to daycare is "sheltering them from life"? Nice rationalization there. DP, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I handle it much more than DH does, but we go through the formality of looking at our schedules. For example, DS is coming down with a bad cold. Last night when we predicted it might keep him out today (remains to be seen...he's still sleeping) I said "Well, I could handle Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week but I'd need you to cover Wednesday starting at 3 and all of Friday." He said "I know I can't do Thursday so that should be fine." So if DS does end up staying home at all this week, we've already talked about who it is and it's me about 70% of the time. I'm ok with that. Does your DH help at all with this?

This is how we do it. I make only a little less than my husband, but end up taking most of the sick days because his job involves more external meetings than mine, so my schedule tends to be a little more forgiving. But we talk about it, and make a decision based on our work schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your 5 yo sick so often? Might want to look into that. By 5 most kids are sick 1-2 times a year.

About to ask the same thing. OP also mentioned "kids" but specifically addressed the illness of a 5 year old. Unless a chronic condition, most 5 year olds are pretty healthy. Could the child be sick so often because she wants you to stay home with her?

My kid didn't go to daycare but went to preschool. His K year, he had strep 3 times, 2-3 ear infections, a stomach bug, and a flu-like illness that lasted for more than a week. No chronic illness, just a 700-kid germ pool.

[Anonymous]

I often take leave as my job tends to be more flexible with last minute issues like this, but my husband is able to take the large chunks of time off like the 2 week winter break and 3 weeks at the beginning/end of the summer, so considering my children are now sick much less often, he ends up taking more total leave.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I make about the same amount of money. But his job can't be done from home, and mine can. (he's in military intel and he works in a SCIF.) So I end up taking 99% of the sick days because I can still telework and not get in trouble. If I have something important that requires my presence - or if there have been a lot of sick/snow days - I'll ask him to take a day and he'll generally agree.

[Anonymous]

The kids probably prefer you to take care of them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I generally think that's fair since he makes more therefore presumably you all "need" his job more but you can discuss whether he has any flexibility to take time off sometimes. If you don't have family around who would take a sick kid to watch, you can also try to find a babysitter who could watch her on not particularly contagious days like ear infection.

What happens if I lose my job because I'm calling in too often? We need my income even if it's less than his.

Then you should discuss that with him and start taking turns or 70/30 or something reasonable.