Marriage ending fight - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

This is so fascinating to me, PP. Would you mind sharing a bit more about your story and how you ended up like this?

My husband is mentally ill and refuses to treat himself. He is an intelligent person who cannot be relied upon. Life with him is stressful for me, but life in separate households would be even more stressful since he would then have no one to try to prevent the daily mess that would ensue. I cannot do that to my kids.

[Anonymous]

"He shouted at me like a Lion and I was literally shaking. Not the first time."

You are in an abusive relationship. Leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone mis-remembers the past (I was forced into marriage. Really, by gun point!?!) they are usually having an affair.

This. To justify his new relationship. It's BS. Do not take it seriously. All manipulations and gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

This is so fascinating to me, PP. Would you mind sharing a bit more about your story and how you ended up like this?

My husband is mentally ill and refuses to treat himself. He is an intelligent person who cannot be relied upon. Life with him is stressful for me, but life in separate households would be even more stressful since he would then have no one to try to prevent the daily mess that would ensue. I cannot do that to my kids.

This. I didn't want my kids to have to be in a shared custody arrrangement with my mentally ill XDH.

[Anonymous]

My marriage-ending fight happened in 2007. Actually, there were two that year. Then another one happened in 2010. I remember thinking that no self-respecting woman could stay after the one in 2010, but I was trapped because it happened while we were on vacation. What happens is that you may feel that you want the marriage to end, but then lose momentum. It's smart not to make a decision over your marriage while you are still fuming, however you shouldn't bury your feelings either. You'll know when you are ready to look back and see whether what your DH did is really worth ending the marriage over. All that said, I can't say I've been good at taking that advice since I'm only addressing it now, in 2017.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go to couples counseling. Maybe it could help you reset and get past this. Even if you're right and the marriage is over, it could help you get some perspective on things and improve your relationship enough to co-parent in a functional way after you get divorced.

This. Find a therapist experienced in couples therapy.

Take the energy you've been burning on stewing and fretting for months now and plow it into therapy. If DH refuses to go, tell him that refusal is equivalent to saying he has zero desire to even attempt to explore salvaging the marriage. Then get therapy on your own, immediately, at the same time you start lawyer-hunting.

This is good advice. The fact that you are still there tells me it wasn't marriage ending--just very hurtful. If your husband won't go, that is a real problem, but you should definitely talk to a professional about this.

OP here. We went to marriage counseling (initiated by me) about 5 years ago. It helped a little bit but went back to unhealthy ways of communication. I was disappointed that DH was so defensive and didn't acknowledge his part. He acted like he didn't know why we were there. He talked a lot about the household chores he does around the house as if I sit around and do nothing. The last time I went by myself after one of his verbal outburst that left my ears ringing.

I'd like to go back into therapy to help me get through this, but maybe someone new. Any recommendations?

Also, trying to decide who in my close-in circle of close friends family I should tell first. I alway cringed when divorcing couples bad mouthed each other, and everyone knew details of the problems. I think that's in poor taste, not to mention that I don't want the kids to grow up hearing awful things about their parents divorce. That being said, I really need support right now form real live people

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

I read an interesting article on divorce a few months ago. The women talked about "surviving the marriage," not about surviving the divorce. If you feel you are in nothing but survival mode while married, I'd seriously consider separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

This is so fascinating to me, PP. Would you mind sharing a bit more about your story and how you ended up like this?

My husband is mentally ill and refuses to treat himself. He is an intelligent person who cannot be relied upon. Life with him is stressful for me, but life in separate households would be even more stressful since he would then have no one to try to prevent the daily mess that would ensue. I cannot do that to my kids.

This. I didn't want my kids to have to be in a shared custody arrrangement with my mentally ill XDH.

He is mentally ill without treatment and is unable to care for the children but you think he would still be granted shared custody? Without supervision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

This is so fascinating to me, PP. Would you mind sharing a bit more about your story and how you ended up like this?

My husband is mentally ill and refuses to treat himself. He is an intelligent person who cannot be relied upon. Life with him is stressful for me, but life in separate households would be even more stressful since he would then have no one to try to prevent the daily mess that would ensue. I cannot do that to my kids.

This. I didn't want my kids to have to be in a shared custody arrrangement with my mentally ill XDH.

He is mentally ill without treatment and is unable to care for the children but you think he would still be granted shared custody? Without supervision?

Not PP, but that is indeed how it goes. The bar is extremely low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was a marriage ender, why are you still together two months later?


Hyperbole much?

Difficulty writing English much?!

[Anonymous]

Yeah. I don't know that I could move past that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On my son's birthday, in NYC, ex grabbed our preschooler's hand and refused to carry any of the gear up the subway stairs. I have a mobility disorder. I asked him to help carry the heavy bags. He said no, took our child, and left me there at the bottom of two flights of stairs. This was after a long day and I was exhausted. I called the divorce lawyer when I returned home.

I'm sure there is no context that you might be leaving out either. Your horrible Ex just did this to you. By the way what is a mobility disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, summer was awful. Yes it is a culmination of a number of factors and recurring fights. This one took the cake and I refuse to take any more bs

And clearly the fighting is all his fault and you are blameless. Did you bother asking him why he thinks the marriage was forced? Or did you not have to ask since you already know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

This is so fascinating to me, PP. Would you mind sharing a bit more about your story and how you ended up like this?

My husband is mentally ill and refuses to treat himself. He is an intelligent person who cannot be relied upon. Life with him is stressful for me, but life in separate households would be even more stressful since he would then have no one to try to prevent the daily mess that would ensue. I cannot do that to my kids.

Since you wouldn't have married a mentally ill man, being married to you must have caused it to manifest. If you go away he will probably get better. By the way being unreliable is not a mental illness.