Marriage ending fight - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Slightly off topic, but my mom is mentally ill. I am
40. My dad stayed for us. Thank God. We would have been so screwed up if they divorce if we had to spend time alone with her or she got custody. It was different then. At the time, women usually got the kids. She might have been able to fool a therapist briefly that she was fine. That risk was to big for my dad to take. So marriage ending for me is a higher threshold than most people. Drug addiction or abuse would do it. I could get past adultery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

This is so fascinating to me, PP. Would you mind sharing a bit more about your story and how you ended up like this?

My husband is mentally ill and refuses to treat himself. He is an intelligent person who cannot be relied upon. Life with him is stressful for me, but life in separate households would be even more stressful since he would then have no one to try to prevent the daily mess that would ensue. I cannot do that to my kids.

Since you wouldn't have married a mentally ill man, being married to you must have caused it to manifest. If you go away he will probably get better. By the way being unreliable is not a mental illness.

You are a horrible human being to write that to someone you don't know, and don't know their circumstances. I'm not that poster by the way, just disgusted by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On my son's birthday, in NYC, ex grabbed our preschooler's hand and refused to carry any of the gear up the subway stairs. I have a mobility disorder. I asked him to help carry the heavy bags. He said no, took our child, and left me there at the bottom of two flights of stairs. This was after a long day and I was exhausted. I called the divorce lawyer when I returned home.

I'm sure there is no context that you might be leaving out either. Your horrible Ex just did this to you. By the way what is a mobility disorder?

Wow you're ridiculous. I sincerely hope the op doesn't respond to victim blaming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He shouted at me like a Lion and I was literally shaking. Not the first time."

You are in an abusive relationship. Leave.

If anyone who had ever shouted in a relationship was an abuser, most marriages would get classified that way.

People raise their voices for many reasons other than to abuse - due to intense emotion, due to feeling they aren't being heard etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He shouted at me like a Lion and I was literally shaking. Not the first time."

You are in an abusive relationship. Leave.

If anyone who had ever shouted in a relationship was an abuser, most marriages would get classified that way.

People raise their voices for many reasons other than to abuse - due to intense emotion, due to feeling they aren't being heard etc

+1

[Anonymous]

If a man told me he didn't want to be with me, I'd give him what he wanted and leave him and never look back. Been there, done that. Life is too short to be stressed like that, and it's not a healthy dynamic for the kids to see. They need to see what love and respect looks like. If your man isn't providing that, you need to go. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He shouted at me like a Lion and I was literally shaking. Not the first time."

You are in an abusive relationship. Leave.

If anyone who had ever shouted in a relationship was an abuser, most marriages would get classified that way.

People raise their voices for many reasons other than to abuse - due to intense emotion, due to feeling they aren't being heard etc

True. OP here... Let me put it into some context. His parents and the kids were in the next room, everyone was mortified and my eldest told me afterwards that I need to stand up to dad. I asked a simple question about why some plans fell apart and he raged on and on shouting I should be lucky to have him

[Anonymous]

My husband threw a tub a cream cheese at my head. I called the lawyer the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone mis-remembers the past (I was forced into marriage. Really, by gun point!?!) they are usually having an affair.

Or they are just a stupid manipulative asshole.

This. Misremembering the past was manipulation amd gaslighting on XH's part. I should have left and stayed gone when I had the first chance.There were too many fights that didn't make sense and I was never allowed to be angry or win. He would twist the truth and my words, so that he always won.

NP. This sounds exactly like my husband. It's gotten to the point that I hate the sight of him. Difficult to talk about with other people too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone mis-remembers the past (I was forced into marriage. Really, by gun point!?!) they are usually having an affair.

Or they are just a stupid manipulative asshole.

This. Misremembering the past was manipulation amd gaslighting on XH's part. I should have left and stayed gone when I had the first chance.There were too many fights that didn't make sense and I was never allowed to be angry or win. He would twist the truth and my words, so that he always won.

NP. This sounds exactly like my husband. It's gotten to the point that I hate the sight of him. Difficult to talk about with other people too.

Me too. I can't even talk once he starts in on me. It's just his non-stop talking and twisted sentences and, if I make any statement that sets him off on another path that leads toward how wrong I am. So over it. Just biding my time getting things in order.