Parent favoring one sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So I'm the 14:39 PP and this is how my mother is with my oldest and middle sisters. She is constantly running to watch their kids, shuttle the kids from this event to that one, has upended her life on multiple occasions to be there for them, the whole nine yards while I have to BEG her to spend any time with my child and basically make sure it takes 0 effort on her part to spend time with my kid (show up on her doorstep, stay to do any and all heavy lifting so she only has to coo at the baby, then disappear the second she's done with us). It's because she thinks we've got it together and don't need her as much while she thinks my sisters don't have their sh*t together and are dropping the ball on parenting/life. Same with MIL/SIL, sadly. So it really sucks for us that we basically have to struggle to get any family time for our kid with the grandmas but it's because both of our mothers think our siblings aren't capable of parenting without them.

On my good days, I can sometimes bring myself to view it as a very weird compliment but mostly, it just sucks.

So much solidarity! This sums up my SIL/MIL exactly. My SIL is utterly helpless and my MIL is basically the full-time parent to my niece. My SIL is home all day, and my husband and I work full time at demanding jobs. We have gotten a lot of judgment about having our son in daycare, but zero offers to help us (not that I would want the free full-time childcare my SIL gets...I wouldn't survive my MIL being the full-time carer for my son). My MIL sees my son once every 6 weeks or so (despite us living about 25 minutes apart), and then complains that he cries when he sees her -- he's 11 months old! He doesn't know you! I know this dynamic really hurts my husband's feelings, but he's always known that his mother is a helicopter parent and his sister is extremely lazy so none of it surprises him. It definitely makes me sad because even though I don't love to spend my time with MIL, she's really missing out on getting to know her grandchild. My son and my niece are only six weeks apart in age (and they only two grandchildren), so it has been rough to have the two constantly compared.

[Anonymous]

Favoritism is a real thing.

But if you're as whiny and self-absorbed as most of the women who post on DCUM it's not favoritism, it's self-preservation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance that your mother doesn't necessarily favor your sister but just finds her more helpless and hapless?

My mother is always helping out my sister more. Once I questioned her about it and she just said, "I don't worry about you. You've always figured out how to make your own way and figure things out."

It was a weird kind of compliment.

This is my inlaws exactly. They favor my DH's sister in this weird way, she can no wrong, despite being a total mess. We get a lot of flack for being independent and not "needing" them. But it really boils down to this. They see her as helpless and him as independent. Therefore, they are those things. Not sure which came first...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance that your mother doesn't necessarily favor your sister but just finds her more helpless and hapless?

My mother is always helping out my sister more. Once I questioned her about it and she just said, "I don't worry about you. You've always figured out how to make your own way and figure things out."

It was a weird kind of compliment.

This is my inlaws exactly. They favor my DH's sister in this weird way, she can no wrong, despite being a total mess. We get a lot of flack for being independent and not "needing" them. But it really boils down to this. They see her as helpless and him as independent. Therefore, they are those things. Not sure which came first...

This is my ILs as well.
They go to great lengths to help BIL with his kids even though his wife stays home and one of the kids is in FT daycare. We both work FT and a few times we've asked for help because of illness or daycare closure it was always a bad time. We never ask anymore. We also always get told how easy we have it and we have everything together etc, and how hard BILs life is. This really hurts DH and as a result his relationship with parents and sibling suffers.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am with you on this. I love my MIL, but when she goes on and on about how stressful parenting is for my SIL (her daughter) who is a sahm, lives in a much lower col area and her DH makes as much or more than us combined and she has a nanny 4 days a week and someone who cleans and cooks for her I come close to losing my mind. We all vacation together and MIL talks about how she needs to get up early to let her daughter sleep in because parenting is so stressful for her, it is insane.

Luckily, SIL is great and completely competent and sane , this is all in MIL's head.

MIL is generally great and loves all the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am with you on this. I love my MIL, but when she goes on and on about how stressful parenting is for my SIL (her daughter) who is a sahm, lives in a much lower col area and her DH makes as much or more than us combined and she has a nanny 4 days a week and someone who cleans and cooks for her I come close to losing my mind. We all vacation together and MIL talks about how she needs to get up early to let her daughter sleep in because parenting is so stressful for her, it is insane.

Luckily, SIL is great and completely competent and sane , this is all in MIL's head.

MIL is generally great and loves all the grandkids.

OP here ... yes it is so frustrating! I feel crazy sometimes, like who could actually think like this? But she does. It really hurts my feelings like she thinks I don't work hard or care enough to offer help ... or something. I almost can't put my finger on what the actual feeling is. My relationship with my sister suffers because of it.

To those who have said that my mom probably talks about me non-stop to my sister ... I know that's not the case. I've asked my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been an ongoing, lifelong thing. My mom not so subtly favors my sister. Most of the time, it's not much of an issue, but once every couple years, it comes to a head and I just get pissed off. It builds because the times I do see my mom, she basically talks about my sister 90% of the time.

Background - I am a WOHM with a young child. My DH works full time and between our two incomes we do well for ourselves but are very conservative with our money. My sister is a SAHM with a young child. Her DH works full time + and between his one income, they do very well for themselves (probably comparable to us) but are not at all conservative with their money. They just bought a pricey house which (by their own admission) is a stretch for them financially.

As I work full time, my child goes to daycare/preschool full time. My sisters child does not attend any care outside of the home. We recently had to switch my child to a new daycare and last week was rough with hysterical drop offs, stressful work deadlines and my husband being on his quarterly deadline where I basically single parent for 2 weeks straight once a quarter. It was hectic and I was glad when the week was over.

I was spending time with my family this weekend and just sharing what a crazy week it was. My mom jumped in and compared my situation to that of my sister's "Oh little Larlo (my nephew) has had SUCH a hard time adjusting to the new house" and how she was going over there to help watch my nephew so my sister can organize the house. She totally interrupted me and disregarded what I was saying (as typical for her) and didn't even ask if my child was doing better with drop offs, if we needed any help, etc. I just got so irritated that I blurted out "Oh yeah, must be really rough to transition from one million dollar house to another. Talk to me when you have to drop your hysterical child off at daycare and physically pry them off of you so you can then drive 80 mph in rush hour traffic to get to your job by 7:30am.". She acted like I was really out of line, but I'm just stating the obvious. My sister has a cushy life where her biggest problem currently is organizing her walk in closet (which of course is shown step by step in videos on Instagram). Neither she nor my mom ever seem to acknowledge this and it drives me crazy. Would it kill her to just say "Oh man, that sucks. What a crappy week. Let me know how I can help." I just didn't have the energy ...

I totally sympathize. My mother also spends way more time helping my sister than helping me, even though sister has wealthy husband and works less than 10 hrs a week. I work 60+ hours a week, my DH also works full time, and we pay for full time childcare, yet on rare occasions we need emergency help, mom has to watch sister's kid (it would just be too difficult for sister to pay for regular childcare) or says it wouldn't be fair to sister. Don't get me wrong, we appreciate any help we get, but it drives me nuts that my mom acts like helping my sister so she can pursue a hobby is the same thing as helping us be able to go to work and put food on the table.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I feel for you.

I don't think your mom will ever change, she's a little too old for that. You will probably have to accept it as it is.

[Anonymous]

One of my sisters favors her son; my other sister favors her eldest. It happens. (I only have 1, so no favoritism )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance that your mother doesn't necessarily favor your sister but just finds her more helpless and hapless?

My mother is always helping out my sister more. Once I questioned her about it and she just said, "I don't worry about you. You've always figured out how to make your own way and figure things out."

It was a weird kind of compliment.

I can relate. My parents always treated me like the mature responsible self starter and my sister needed more guidance and support. ( It doesn't suprise me that this has become a self fulfilling prophecy. I moved out and became self sufficient after college. My sister lived with my parents until she was 29. She still dependa on them for a lot of emotional support

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I will say our father treated us equally- all like crap. My siblings would also say I'm our mother's favorite of which I don't see. I live the farthest and she's helped me out the least- emotionally and financially. But while growing up she always did say I'm the most like her and she often worried about me but in my siblings eyes I do no wrong by her. It's weird OP. People are people in the end and we are all entitled to our feelings.