Parent favoring one sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a bit like my sister.

She is adamant that my mother favors me, and while I'd like to have an understanding of where she's coming from, she is much too far over the top about it.

She's often playing the victim and commenting to me how much easier my life is and how things always work out for me. Uh, no dear sister, my life has problems, I just don't complain about all of them to you.

If you are the one getting way more help and support from the mom, you ARE favored. Only a golden child talks this way.....

I live 800 miles away. "Unfavored" sister (who is a married adult) lives within 20 minutes and has her bathrooms cleaned and daily dog walks by my mother.

I'm just saying, please have some self-awareness about these things. It's never all one person's doing.

OP here ... I can assure you I do not receive ANY help from my mom. My sister cannot say the same. My mom takes time off work from her job to watch my daughter's child so she can do personal activities. Meanwhile, I've asked her 2x if she could bail us out when daycare was closed and we both had can't miss meetings. Any guess what she was doing BOTH times? Watching my sister's kid.

So, what, the cousins never get together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a bit like my sister.

She is adamant that my mother favors me, and while I'd like to have an understanding of where she's coming from, she is much too far over the top about it.

She's often playing the victim and commenting to me how much easier my life is and how things always work out for me. Uh, no dear sister, my life has problems, I just don't complain about all of them to you.

If you are the one getting way more help and support from the mom, you ARE favored. Only a golden child talks this way.....

I live 800 miles away. "Unfavored" sister (who is a married adult) lives within 20 minutes and has her bathrooms cleaned and daily dog walks by my mother.

I'm just saying, please have some self-awareness about these things. It's never all one person's doing.

OP here ... I can assure you I do not receive ANY help from my mom. My sister cannot say the same. My mom takes time off work from her job to watch my daughter's child so she can do personal activities. Meanwhile, I've asked her 2x if she could bail us out when daycare was closed and we both had can't miss meetings. Any guess what she was doing BOTH times? Watching my sister's kid.

So, what, the cousins never get together?

Yeah, on the weekends probably 1-2x month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a bit like my sister.

She is adamant that my mother favors me, and while I'd like to have an understanding of where she's coming from, she is much too far over the top about it.

She's often playing the victim and commenting to me how much easier my life is and how things always work out for me. Uh, no dear sister, my life has problems, I just don't complain about all of them to you.

If you are the one getting way more help and support from the mom, you ARE favored. Only a golden child talks this way.....

I live 800 miles away. "Unfavored" sister (who is a married adult) lives within 20 minutes and has her bathrooms cleaned and daily dog walks by my mother.

I'm just saying, please have some self-awareness about these things. It's never all one person's doing.

OP here ... I can assure you I do not receive ANY help from my mom. My sister cannot say the same. My mom takes time off work from her job to watch my daughter's child so she can do personal activities. Meanwhile, I've asked her 2x if she could bail us out when daycare was closed and we both had can't miss meetings. Any guess what she was doing BOTH times? Watching my sister's kid.

So I'm the 14:39 PP and this is how my mother is with my oldest and middle sisters. She is constantly running to watch their kids, shuttle the kids from this event to that one, has upended her life on multiple occasions to be there for them, the whole nine yards while I have to BEG her to spend any time with my child and basically make sure it takes 0 effort on her part to spend time with my kid (show up on her doorstep, stay to do any and all heavy lifting so she only has to coo at the baby, then disappear the second she's done with us). It's because she thinks we've got it together and don't need her as much while she thinks my sisters don't have their sh*t together and are dropping the ball on parenting/life. Same with MIL/SIL, sadly. So it really sucks for us that we basically have to struggle to get any family time for our kid with the grandmas but it's because both of our mothers think our siblings aren't capable of parenting without them.

On my good days, I can sometimes bring myself to view it as a very weird compliment but mostly, it just sucks.

[Anonymous]

You're acting like you're three years old. Why don't you make an account ledger so your mom can check off hours to make it exactly equal.

[Anonymous]

You may want to just disengage OP. Don't talk about yourself at all, don't share, go to see them as little as possible or as much as you want. At this point, it's just another time sink, right? No confrontation, no reasons, only minimize asuch as possible.

I finally had to realize my family does not care that much. It's sad, but I'm moving forward without them and feel better than I have for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're acting like you're three years old. Why don't you make an account ledger so your mom can check off hours to make it exactly equal.

Don't be an ass. Of course, she's not checking off a ledger. Do you not see how that sort of favoritism would be painful for the "unfavored" child? I can sympathize.

I would maybe apologize for the tone but make clear that the underlying sentiment remains the same. And, i'd have a few ready and reasonable examples if asked for them. Then I'd disengage.

I also think that, as mom gets older and needs help, I'd defer to my favored sister on providing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may want to just disengage OP. Don't talk about yourself at all, don't share, go to see them as little as possible or as much as you want. At this point, it's just another time sink, right? No confrontation, no reasons, only minimize asuch as possible.

I finally had to realize my family does not care that much. It's sad, but I'm moving forward without them and feel better than I have for years.

OP here ... Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. I could go on and on about my frustrations. It feels silly being nearly 40 and feeling this way, but it still stings. I just found out this weekend too that my mom doesn't even know the name of the company I work for and have a leadership position at. We've had some press lately about some of our work and my BIL was asking about it and my mom walked into the conversation and was like "what are you guys talking about?" And my BIL said "oh just what _______(name of my company) is up to" and she asked "who?" and my BIL told her my company and she was like "oh, I can never remember their name! Tee hee!" For the record, it's a very easy, non complicated name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're acting like you're three years old. Why don't you make an account ledger so your mom can check off hours to make it exactly equal.

Don't be an ass. Of course, she's not checking off a ledger. Do you not see how that sort of favoritism would be painful for the "unfavored" child? I can sympathize.

I would maybe apologize for the tone but make clear that the underlying sentiment remains the same. And, i'd have a few ready and reasonable examples if asked for them. Then I'd disengage.

I also think that, as mom gets older and needs help, I'd defer to my favored sister on providing that.

OP here ... Thank you. I agree my tone was probably out of line but I really do stand by my comments 100%. It's all such BS and the older I get with my own family, the more I'm just like f it.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is not going to change. You will do better by changing your attitude towards her and learn to move forward. Therapists have excellent ways in helping people deal with their reality and family. They help you change your reaction and understanding of the situation. They help you figure what boundaries you need to draw and what conversation topics are fine and which ones to nip in the bud. They help you find the support you are seeking elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think both my siblings and I would say our mom favors someone else. She's brilliant at bragging on you to others but being dismissive and passive-aggressive to your face. All the other kids are great it's too bad you don't stack up -- I'm not sure if she does it deliberately or not, but we're all onto her. We joke we're all her least favorites when we're there and her favorite when we're not.

My grandmother was like this. The favored child was always the one who wasn't there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husbands mother favored his sister over him and it drives him crazy. Unfortunately his sister passed, and his mom still talks nonstop about her, and never asks how he is doing or about our kids.

This is pretty understandable, regardless ofor whether or not she was the favored child. Parents who have lost children often either refuse to talk about them or, like your MIL, go to opposite extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is not going to change. You will do better by changing your attitude towards her and learn to move forward. Therapists have excellent ways in helping people deal with their reality and family. They help you change your reaction and understanding of the situation. They help you figure what boundaries you need to draw and what conversation topics are fine and which ones to nip in the bud. They help you find the support you are seeking elsewhere.

This. Exactly this. You cannot change your mom, OP. You can only change how you respond to your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a bit like my sister.

She is adamant that my mother favors me, and while I'd like to have an understanding of where she's coming from, she is much too far over the top about it.

She's often playing the victim and commenting to me how much easier my life is and how things always work out for me. Uh, no dear sister, my life has problems, I just don't complain about all of them to you.

If you are the one getting way more help and support from the mom, you ARE favored. Only a golden child talks this way.....

I live 800 miles away. "Unfavored" sister (who is a married adult) lives within 20 minutes and has her bathrooms cleaned and daily dog walks by my mother.

I'm just saying, please have some self-awareness about these things. It's never all one person's doing.

OP here ... I can assure you I do not receive ANY help from my mom. My sister cannot say the same. My mom takes time off work from her job to watch my daughter's child so she can do personal activities. Meanwhile, I've asked her 2x if she could bail us out when daycare was closed and we both had can't miss meetings. Any guess what she was doing BOTH times? Watching my sister's kid.

OP, I feel for you. My MIL spends all her time and money supporting my SIL, whereas my husband has never gotten a dime from his parents. We asked for help once because of a surgery and were told that the timing wasn't great because SIL needed MIL to drive her daughter to the doctor because the appointment was early in the morning and BIL couldn't get up that early (he works a desk job from approximately 10-6, so it's not like he was on the graveyard shift). I try to remind myself that I'm happy that we are so self-sufficient (both financially and otherwise) so as to not need the constant support that SIL/BIL need (BTW, no mental or physical health issues, they're just really damn lazy and make really poor financial decisions all the time). I'm sure it sucks to feel like the less-favored child, so I'm sorry that's the case. You have nothing but my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Tit for tat, sounds like? My mom favors my sister, always has. But, I love my sister. My sister can't control my mom. Maybe you saying this isn't all bad, maybe your mom might pause after to rethink it? You know your mom won't change, I suggest you stop playing a martyr and tell your mom, "It hurts me when you disregard my troubles and issues, and when you minimize what I am going through."

[Anonymous]

Some parents do favor one child. My folks worked hard not to do this with us.

However, My BIL (husband of sister) has this situation. His mom clearly favors him over his brother. The behavior carries over into grand kids, his mom clearly favors middle child (boy). It is hard to see all the manipulation and games that go along with it Mom of BIL tries to get the grandkids to say how they favor her over my mom too. Luckily, my mom and dad don't fall into the trap of competing. BIL plays the game. Yuck.