I know this sounds entitled but I have to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your frustration, and I think it would be reasonable for your parents to talk to you honestly about why they are choosing to support other kids financially instead of you. (I'm not sure they owe you that explanation, but it would be good for your relationship with them if they offered it.)

I will say, though, that there's good research that shows that working through school actually has good outcomes for students. I know that's hard to see when you're in the trenches, but you are both developing and demonstrating a strong work ethic and time management skills. You also have ownership of your education that other students often don't have. Plus, your work experience may be allowing you to network--even if in really indirect ways if you're not working in your future career field.

So, in the short term, it would obviously be nice if your parents provided more for you, but in the long term, you may be better off because you've had to work so hard for yourself. I know that's little consolation in the meantime, but you don't seem to have many options other than to keep busting your tail at the moment.

I agree with this. I was bitter about having to work my way through college but paying my way through school and paying my own bills honed my hustle and that's stuck with me for life.

I always thought my dad was mostly broke because he was unbearably cheap about everything. After he died though, he left my brother and me with money that completely changed the financial trajectory for our families.

So. Maybe your dad just knows you can handle it. You might want to cut back on something if it's impacting your mental health, though.

[Anonymous]

OP clearly knows she is not entitled to this money- she is still getting the SHIT end of this deal and her dad is 100% an asshole for all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have kind of a similar situation, though I am now nearly 20 years out of college.
My parents paid for some portions of my college--it was a state school so tuition alone was about $1,000 per semester. They gave me a housing allowance that covered about 2/3 of the rent on an average apartment in the area. They would not give me that money if I chose to live in the dorms. So I was responsible for
-1/3 rent
-books and other supplies
-food
-utilities
-transportation

My younger brothers got EVERYTHING fully paid at private universities (American University and Tulane.)

They were only a few years younger than me--my parents financial situation had not significantly changed or anything.

So--the way I look at it...when they get too old to take care of themselves and need help...I will give them the same kind of "help" they gave me, in relationship to my brothers. As far as I'm concerned, my brothers should shoulder WAY more of the responsibility in that area.

They likely saw this nastiness in you at an early age and decided to not throw good money after bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your frustration, and I think it would be reasonable for your parents to talk to you honestly about why they are choosing to support other kids financially instead of you. (I'm not sure they owe you that explanation, but it would be good for your relationship with them if they offered it.)

I will say, though, that there's good research that shows that working through school actually has good outcomes for students. I know that's hard to see when you're in the trenches, but you are both developing and demonstrating a strong work ethic and time management skills. You also have ownership of your education that other students often don't have. Plus, your work experience may be allowing you to network--even if in really indirect ways if you're not working in your future career field.

So, in the short term, it would obviously be nice if your parents provided more for you, but in the long term, you may be better off because you've had to work so hard for yourself. I know that's little consolation in the meantime, but you don't seem to have many options other than to keep busting your tail at the moment.

I agree with this. I was bitter about having to work my way through college but paying my way through school and paying my own bills honed my hustle and that's stuck with me for life.

I always thought my dad was mostly broke because he was unbearably cheap about everything. After he died though, he left my brother and me with money that completely changed the financial trajectory for our families.

So. Maybe your dad just knows you can handle it. You might want to cut back on something if it's impacting your mental health, though.

I'm sorry but can I ask when you graduated- the number of good pieces written lately about what it looks like to "work through school" from just 15-20 years ago (I graduated in 2002, so pretty 'young' but the economics of it are drastically different in that time). 55 hours a week is a serious grind, Monday-Saturday say 9-5:30, then probably class 4 days a week for 4 hours a pop.

There is nothing "extra" to cut back to help her mental health issues. THIS is the issue.

[Anonymous]

I hope you already told them you don't have any money for their retirement.

[Anonymous]

Similar thing happened to my DH. His parents were always on the poorer middle class side and he started going to community college while in high school. FIL encouraged him to pursue a trade, and never suggested college. DH helped his parents financially since he was a teen. Then his parents paid for his brother's and sister's college, and even contributed a lot to his brother's PhD. DH succeeded in a great job nevertheless and is working in a field that pays a lot now. Years later, FIL gave DH's siblings 20K each, one to pay off student loans to be "able to have kids younger," and to his daughter to be fair. We didn't get it. Fast forward BIL got a lot of money from his ILS.... and SIL's husband earns over 1.5M. He still gives them as much as he can, which is now ridiculous as they earn and have a ton more than he does. But, we don't think about it, other than me writing it here. If DH is not bothered by it, it is none of my business, but clearly there seems to be a trend where eldest child gets less.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is an asshole. I'm very sorry. Please distance yourself from him.

So, he wants to help someone's SON. You are a female, is that right? Double asshole!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar thing happened to my DH. His parents were always on the poorer middle class side and he started going to community college while in high school. FIL encouraged him to pursue a trade, and never suggested college. DH helped his parents financially since he was a teen. Then his parents paid for his brother's and sister's college, and even contributed a lot to his brother's PhD. DH succeeded in a great job nevertheless and is working in a field that pays a lot now. Years later, FIL gave DH's siblings 20K each, one to pay off student loans to be "able to have kids younger," and to his daughter to be fair. We didn't get it. Fast forward BIL got a lot of money from his ILS.... and SIL's husband earns over 1.5M. He still gives them as much as he can, which is now ridiculous as they earn and have a ton more than he does. But, we don't think about it, other than me writing it here. If DH is not bothered by it, it is none of my business, but clearly there seems to be a trend where eldest child gets less.

This is so anusive and weird - he helped his parents financially as a teen and they then paid for his younger siblings college?!! But not his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be bitter and sad about this. No, you aren't entitled to anything, but this kind of decision hurts. Your father is a terrible father to you.

+1. It's not that you feel entitled, it's that you feel like your father thinks another person's future is a more important investment than yours. I'm sorry, OP. This has nothing to do with your worth or potential.

The man is anusive - please distance yourself from this manipulative man to protect yourself. Make sure you move far away - can you live in another country? Wave nicely in their direction every so often but be too busy to visit very often or ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar thing happened to my DH. His parents were always on the poorer middle class side and he started going to community college while in high school. FIL encouraged him to pursue a trade, and never suggested college. DH helped his parents financially since he was a teen. Then his parents paid for his brother's and sister's college, and even contributed a lot to his brother's PhD. DH succeeded in a great job nevertheless and is working in a field that pays a lot now. Years later, FIL gave DH's siblings 20K each, one to pay off student loans to be "able to have kids younger," and to his daughter to be fair. We didn't get it. Fast forward BIL got a lot of money from his ILS.... and SIL's husband earns over 1.5M. He still gives them as much as he can, which is now ridiculous as they earn and have a ton more than he does. But, we don't think about it, other than me writing it here. If DH is not bothered by it, it is none of my business, but clearly there seems to be a trend where eldest child gets less.

My DH is eldest and absolutely gets less in so many ways. I think part of it in his family is guilt. His parent's divorced and feel they owe it to the younger siblings who were at home when it happened. [note - my DH lived through years of yelling but hey we don't need to go there]

In contrast, my oldest sibling was the golden child and got lot's that the youngers did not. I was always told by my parent's that if we wanted to move home after college we needed to pay rent. They used my older brother as an example only to find out that they lied and he was living at home and not paying a dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you do in high school?

Were you a top student or were you a slacker?

If you were a slacker, I understand him not giving you money for college to squander.

No - that's manipulative bullshit. Good people want all of their children to have a good start in life, they don't put them against each other or pick a 'better' child to support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, my mom is mad too. Once again my dad has made a decision to give a large sum of money while neglecting things in the immediate household that need to be paid for.

He sounds like he is bitter about something. Maybe he thinks women shouldn't be educated. Or, he thinks his money is his money, he worked hard for it, took care of himself and you should do the same.

People like that hold onto that bitterness and pass it on to their kids. It's sad. I know of a dad who was like this.d

I think he cares more what people outside the family thinks than he cares what the two,of you think. It is disrespectful. He doesn't owe you an education, but he does owe you and your mom better information than he gives you.

Be careful how many hours you work, even if it means slowing down your education. The evidence is clear on the effect of hours like yours on grades. It isn't good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you do in high school?

Were you a top student or were you a slacker?

If you were a slacker, I understand him not giving you money for college to squander.

No - that's manipulative bullshit. Good people want all of their children to have a good start in life, they don't put them against each other or pick a 'better' child to support.

It's not about pitting siblings against each other or picking a better child. It's about consequences of your behavior and doing what is fair. Fair does not mean equal.

If you slacked your way through high school that was expensive, why on earth should someone give you a free ride through college so they can flunk out or coast by with a C average and spend the rest of the time getting wasted.

Let them prove they know how to be responsible first, maybe having to pay for schooling is the kick in the pants they need to take some responsibility.

By the same token if you did well,but decide to get to college and show your ass, then the following semester/year you are on your own for payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar thing happened to my DH. His parents were always on the poorer middle class side and he started going to community college while in high school. FIL encouraged him to pursue a trade, and never suggested college. DH helped his parents financially since he was a teen. Then his parents paid for his brother's and sister's college, and even contributed a lot to his brother's PhD. DH succeeded in a great job nevertheless and is working in a field that pays a lot now. Years later, FIL gave DH's siblings 20K each, one to pay off student loans to be "able to have kids younger," and to his daughter to be fair. We didn't get it. Fast forward BIL got a lot of money from his ILS.... and SIL's husband earns over 1.5M. He still gives them as much as he can, which is now ridiculous as they earn and have a ton more than he does. But, we don't think about it, other than me writing it here. If DH is not bothered by it, it is none of my business, but clearly there seems to be a trend where eldest child gets less.

This is so anusive and weird - he helped his parents financially as a teen and they then paid for his younger siblings college?!! But not his?

Yep, and discouraged him from going to college. FIL is repeating the same pattern with grandkids, expect it is the oldest grandson now that he gives and does everything for.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't your mother say clearly "No"! We are not using money that is mine also to support a child who is not mine!