If women didn't exist...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here...

women are all about the drama and one upmanship...

so, while we may not really appreciate the little things like thank you cards or even gifts, they are not the kinds of things that are really earth shattering or important. Over the top kids parties are just a way for the the wives to out-do each other.

We do however understand that the things you trivialize (car maintenance, home maintenance, ect) are much more important than thank you notes and gifts, and even to a point, getting larla to soccer practice.

And yes I have organized and cooked dinner parties for the family and friends that did not involve propane or charcoal grills.

So we are capable....but yeah we really don't care about your super flambe salmon soufflé and would rather just have a some beef tenderloin on the grille with a baked potato. And in all honesty, so would most of your guests

You and the other PP are assuming that men do the home and car maintenance. In my home, it's all me. The mental load, the car maintenance, researching, scheduling and interviewing for home repair, getting kids to practice, figuring out when it's time for what doctor's appointments (even DH's). I do wish DH would take some off my plate. But he'd just ignore the check engine light if it were left to him. (he does have a job, though, and does well at it. And if I ask him to take on a specific task, he will.)

DH here -

I send thank you cards. I do most of the major dinner planning like holidays, etc.

Almost everything on your list is outsourced at my house. I am sure that I would find a way to get the kid registered for camp if it came down to it so as far as the 'mental load' - spare me. Is there a forum where I can complain about paying all of the bills, doing all of the financial planning, getting cars inspected and registered, coordinating our taxes, coordinating the landscaper, home repairs and maintenance?

I can understand how taxing it must be to order 15 birthday party gifts every year on Amazon and wrap them. Can't imaging how I would pull that one off or how to design a birthday party gift bag that is better than the other gift bags this summer.

I am a DW who does all the things you list. My DH doesn't even know how to access our bank accounts online, and he hasn't spoke with our financial advisor. Don't know why you assume all households divide tasks as you do...

[Anonymous]

I feel like my DH does more than me overall if you look at things like taxes, car stuff, lawn, house repairs, cooking, food shopping, etc. He is a great cook and homemaker! He has a better eye for home decor than me and is a great party planner. He out earns me too by quite a bit. I got the better end of the bargain here.

I do tend to more researchy stuff like summer camps, soccer sign ups etc. I tend to spend more time on things like bedtime routine etc. And I do laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just thinking about the "mental load" and how much of it is stuff that truly has to be done (dinner planned, childcare organized) vs how much is social niceties (gift giving, thank you and holiday cards, assisting a sick friend). On the social niceties side what do you think would entirely disappear if women were gone and men either picked up the ball or let it drop? I think for the most part all gift giving, thank you notes, and all holiday celebration beyond the meal (decorations, events) would pretty much disappear because most men just don't care whether or not these things are done

OP, life is not just "mental load" stuff. There are many "physical load" things that need to be taken care of. If you really take account of all that stuff like home repairs and maintenance, lawn, car upkeep, etc. then you realize that everyone plays an important part. Instead of wondering about who would do the things that you currently do, think about who would do the things your DH does if he wasn't there. A well maintained, safe home is probably the most important thing...without that, everything you mentioned above wouldn't matter.

I don't know any men who attend to lawn care and home/car repairs, at least not without being asked to by their wives. I do all that shit as the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I ceased to exist, our house would have far fewer throw pillows, birthday/thank you cards would not be sent, doctor's appointments would not get scheduled, and the floors wouldn't be vacuumed as frequently.

But, if DH ceased to exist, our yard would be a jungle (I don't even know how to start the mower) and I'd never have a home grilled burger or steak. DH is also the one who thinks to buy me things like an emergency kit for my car, checks the air pressure in my tires, inspects the garage door, etc.

I think we all have our own way of taking care of our family, it just tends to be mental vs physical tasks for a lot of us.

Gee I do all those things your DH does for you, as well as everything you do. It's not a gender thing, it's a matter of whether you are efficient or not.

Or maybe it depends on natural interests. I'm not "inefficient" just because I don't mow the lawn or grill steaks. These activities do not appeal to me, but they do to DH. I'm sorry you have to do everything all by yourself PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all should talk to some single dads. They figure it out. Particularly single dads of young girls figure out how to do the things that young girls are drawn to.

I WISH thank you notes would disappear. As for the rest of it...I think if one spouse is mad dishes while the other thinks fixing the toilet seat is more important than soccer practice than the problem is less with your gender roles and more with your marriage.

People rise to the expectations set for them.

Single Dad here,

Thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

Having been raised in a household where my father who insisted that my mom was the heart of the family, I never ever felt that either woman or man is less or more than one another in any way. We all can raise to the occasion. We all do what we can do for our children. Marriage is a partnership and it means that we compensate for the weakness of our spouse and draw from their strengths - it does not have to be an equal contribution in all things at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just thinking about the "mental load" and how much of it is stuff that truly has to be done (dinner planned, childcare organized) vs how much is social niceties (gift giving, thank you and holiday cards, assisting a sick friend). On the social niceties side what do you think would entirely disappear if women were gone and men either picked up the ball or let it drop? I think for the most part all gift giving, thank you notes, and all holiday celebration beyond the meal (decorations, events) would pretty much disappear because most men just don't care whether or not these things are done

Get over yourself. No one admires someone who crucifies themself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here...

women are all about the drama and one upmanship...

so, while we may not really appreciate the little things like thank you cards or even gifts, they are not the kinds of things that are really earth shattering or important. Over the top kids parties are just a way for the the wives to out-do each other.

We do however understand that the things you trivialize (car maintenance, home maintenance, ect) are much more important than thank you notes and gifts, and even to a point, getting larla to soccer practice.

And yes I have organized and cooked dinner parties for the family and friends that did not involve propane or charcoal grills.

So we are capable....but yeah we really don't care about your super flambe salmon soufflé and would rather just have a some beef tenderloin on the grille with a baked potato. And in all honesty, so would most of your guests

I'm a wife, and the pp, and I do all those things you list that you do, plus the things the women are talking about. I think a lot of women do. And believe me, the things you're listing here (car and home maintenance) aren't the hard part. The hardest parts are the things that have a human dimension, like figuring out the academic and social needs of your kids. What piano teacher is right. Which kind of upbringing, which kind of activities will lead to the best outcome for the individual kids. Best activity balance. Learning about autism or other special needs, figuring out which things will work best in each particular case. Constantly adapting and revisiting.

You and the other PP are assuming that men do the home and car maintenance. In my home, it's all me. The mental load, the car maintenance, researching, scheduling and interviewing for home repair, getting kids to practice, figuring out when it's time for what doctor's appointments (even DH's). I do wish DH would take some off my plate. But he'd just ignore the check engine light if it were left to him. (he does have a job, though, and does well at it. And if I ask him to take on a specific task, he will.)

DH here -

I send thank you cards. I do most of the major dinner planning like holidays, etc.

Almost everything on your list is outsourced at my house. I am sure that I would find a way to get the kid registered for camp if it came down to it so as far as the 'mental load' - spare me. Is there a forum where I can complain about paying all of the bills, doing all of the financial planning, getting cars inspected and registered, coordinating our taxes, coordinating the landscaper, home repairs and maintenance?

I can understand how taxing it must be to order 15 birthday party gifts every year on Amazon and wrap them. Can't imaging how I would pull that one off or how to design a birthday party gift bag that is better than the other gift bags this summer.

I am a DW who does all the things you list. My DH doesn't even know how to access our bank accounts online, and he hasn't spoke with our financial advisor. Don't know why you assume all households divide tasks as you do...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here...

women are all about the drama and one upmanship...

so, while we may not really appreciate the little things like thank you cards or even gifts, they are not the kinds of things that are really earth shattering or important. Over the top kids parties are just a way for the the wives to out-do each other.

We do however understand that the things you trivialize (car maintenance, home maintenance, ect) are much more important than thank you notes and gifts, and even to a point, getting larla to soccer practice.

And yes I have organized and cooked dinner parties for the family and friends that did not involve propane or charcoal grills.

So we are capable....but yeah we really don't care about your super flambe salmon soufflé and would rather just have a some beef tenderloin on the grille with a baked potato. And in all honesty, so would most of your guests

You and the other PP are assuming that men do the home and car maintenance. In my home, it's all me. The mental load, the car maintenance, researching, scheduling and interviewing for home repair, getting kids to practice, figuring out when it's time for what doctor's appointments (even DH's). I do wish DH would take some off my plate. But he'd just ignore the check engine light if it were left to him. (he does have a job, though, and does well at it. And if I ask him to take on a specific task, he will.)

DH here -

I send thank you cards. I do most of the major dinner planning like holidays, etc.

Almost everything on your list is outsourced at my house. I am sure that I would find a way to get the kid registered for camp if it came down to it so as far as the 'mental load' - spare me. Is there a forum where I can complain about paying all of the bills, doing all of the financial planning, getting cars inspected and registered, coordinating our taxes, coordinating the landscaper, home repairs and maintenance?

I can understand how taxing it must be to order 15 birthday party gifts every year on Amazon and wrap them. Can't imaging how I would pull that one off or how to design a birthday party gift bag that is better than the other gift bags this summer.

I am a DW who does all the things you list. My DH doesn't even know how to access our bank accounts online, and he hasn't spoke with our financial advisor. Don't know why you assume all households divide tasks as you do...

oops, put my comment in the wrong place--- i'll try again.

I'm a wife, and the pp, and I do all those things you list that you do, plus the things the women are talking about. I think a lot of women do. And believe me, the things you're listing here (car and home maintenance) aren't the hard part. The hardest parts are the things that have a human dimension, like figuring out the academic and social needs of your kids. What piano teacher is right. Which kind of upbringing, which kind of activities will lead to the best outcome for the individual kids. Best activity balance. Learning about autism or other special needs, figuring out which things will work best in each particular case. Constantly adapting and revisiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like my DH does more than me overall if you look at things like taxes, car stuff, lawn, house repairs, cooking, food shopping, etc. He is a great cook and homemaker! He has a better eye for home decor than me and is a great party planner. He out earns me too by quite a bit. I got the better end of the bargain here.

I do tend to more researchy stuff like summer camps, soccer sign ups etc. I tend to spend more time on things like bedtime routine etc. And I do laundry.

ooh, that's the husband I dreamed about!

[Anonymous]

My DH is totally capable of running the house. If we didn't have small kids, he'd take a larger part in that. He's the high earner, so I stay home and run the household (rather inefficiently).

He would organize things in a way I don't understand but is totally efficient to him. He'd get it done faster.

He would make the kids be more self sufficient. He says I coddle them. I do a little but not excessively so. (Example: he thinks the 2yo shouldn't need help brushing her teeth. I think a thorough brushing is important so I take a turn brushing her teeth.)

He would set everything up for deliveries and automatic reorders, use the scheduling app for doctor appointments, and have the kids participate in fewer activities to streamline their schedules.

He is one of the most efficient people I've ever met. He'd get the job done if he sees value in the job. He would thank people for gifts, but it might be a thank you call instead of a thank you note. He wouldn't accept every birthday party invitation for the kids. He'd figure it out. He's a capable, smart adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all should talk to some single dads. They figure it out. Particularly single dads of young girls figure out how to do the things that young girls are drawn to.

I WISH thank you notes would disappear. As for the rest of it...I think if one spouse is mad dishes while the other thinks fixing the toilet seat is more important than soccer practice than the problem is less with your gender roles and more with your marriage.

People rise to the expectations set for them.

Single Dad here,

Thank you for this.

No problem. These posters are idiots. My dad managed to get food on the table, buy a house, have a career and take me to the library every weekend despite his gender.

Most of this crap is marriage disputes and individual crappy husbands and wives not gender stuff

[Anonymous]

"Mental Load" = "I should get double-extra credit for obsessing about stupid bullshit that only I care about!"

Fuck that noise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids would never get signed up for summer camp because no sane man would think to do a summer signup in December or January. Rec class signups would probably nosedive, too.

(at least this is my experience.)

As the man who signs up his kids for camp every year IN DECEMBER OR JANUARY AS REQUIRED because he knows camp openings vanish very quickly, I'd like to thank you for your idiotic condescension.