Wanted big family but think we can only handle two kids. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a fantasy of a big family not reality. You seem to see what reality might entail...take it to the logical conclusion that the fantasy never existed in the first place. Having a lot of kids is hard.

Ok, this is actually super helpful to me. You're right. Having a third is not going to magically turn my current family into the fun, easy-going family of my fantasy. Whether I have two or three, that fantasy does not exist.

Thank you for posting.

Have you seen parents of big families, OP? Do they look like they can handle it? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A big family isn't all you think it is. I have a lot of close friends who grew up with 3+ siblings and they live far away from each other as adults and barely see each other. It's good that you are able to recognize and be honest with yourself about your limitations.

x10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a fantasy of a big family not reality. You seem to see what reality might entail...take it to the logical conclusion that the fantasy never existed in the first place. Having a lot of kids is hard.

Ok, this is actually super helpful to me. You're right. Having a third is not going to magically turn my current family into the fun, easy-going family of my fantasy. Whether I have two or three, that fantasy does not exist.

Thank you for posting.

Have you seen parents of big families, OP? Do they look like they can handle it? Really?

Just because my house is louder than your house doesn't mean we can't handle it. Just because my kids like to mess around with each other outside doesn't mean we can't handle our kids. Just because we don't parent our children the same way you do doesn't mean we can't handle it.

I couldn't care less if you dress your kids in polos, only feed them organic, no sugar, make them take music lessons and don't let them watch tv...that's your choice and I couldn't care less how you choose to parent. No clue why so many parents who opted or were forced to stop at two feel compelled to throw rocks at people with more children (and parents of four in particular). Do you do it to make yourselves feel better? So weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, also keep in mind that if/when your bandwidth increases, you could be the family that always brings along a friend or two.

This. There are ways to get at the fantasy aspects of a big family without the actual burdens of a large family. Create an environment where your kids' friends are always welcome. Where your neighbors drop in. Where there is a lot going on. Then you have the best of both worlds-a welcoming and busy house, but the time and money to focus on two kids when you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

You seem a little defensive. It looks like PP bases her opinion on the bolded above. She has insight because she herself is one of 4 kids.

Your personal insight is based on your own experience of being one of four, just like PP's is. You thought being one of 4 was fantastic and wanted to recreate that. PP thought being one of 4 was less than fantastic and decided not to have so many children. These are both perfectly valid, normal experiences of being members of big families. (FWIW, perceptions of the merits of big families often differ by birth order and age gaps.)

However, you don't actually know how your kids view the experience, because you are not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

You seem a little defensive. It looks like PP bases her opinion on the bolded above. She has insight because she herself is one of 4 kids.

Your personal insight is based on your own experience of being one of four, just like PP's is. You thought being one of 4 was fantastic and wanted to recreate that. PP thought being one of 4 was less than fantastic and decided not to have so many children. These are both perfectly valid, normal experiences of being members of big families. (FWIW, perceptions of the merits of big families often differ by birth order and age gaps.)

However, you don't actually know how your kids view the experience, because you are not them.

Yes, of course everyone has a valid personal experience and opinion...that's precisely why I posted my experience: to combat her sweeping generalization.

My kids are happy and love their siblings. They see how I interact with my siblings, how we pitch in to help our parents and extended family, and they are learning that they should do the same for their own siblings. My kids are currently face timing their cousins and giggling. All four of them. While they have their moments when they get annoyed with a sibling, for the most part that results in temporary pairing off (2 vs 2).

I'm defensive because there's a bizarre anti-4 kids vibe on DCUM. This isn't the first thread to go there. Once three became the new two, everyone went batshit crazy against four. So weird.

I think the pp had subpar parents if she felt so neglected that she would have willingly cut 1-3 siblings out of the picture. Either that, or she's overly needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of five kids. Our parents handled it really well, all things considered, and I love and am close to my family, but I do feel like I was a bit neglected and under-parented in some ways. Two of my siblings sucked up a disproportionate amount of time and attention. As the "good" middle child, I was pretty much left to my own devices on a lot of things. It wasn't great. I stopped at two kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

You seem a little defensive. It looks like PP bases her opinion on the bolded above. She has insight because she herself is one of 4 kids.

Your personal insight is based on your own experience of being one of four, just like PP's is. You thought being one of 4 was fantastic and wanted to recreate that. PP thought being one of 4 was less than fantastic and decided not to have so many children. These are both perfectly valid, normal experiences of being members of big families. (FWIW, perceptions of the merits of big families often differ by birth order and age gaps.)

However, you don't actually know how your kids view the experience, because you are not them.

Yes, of course everyone has a valid personal experience and opinion...that's precisely why I posted my experience: to combat her sweeping generalization.

My kids are happy and love their siblings. They see how I interact with my siblings, how we pitch in to help our parents and extended family, and they are learning that they should do the same for their own siblings. My kids are currently face timing their cousins and giggling. All four of them. While they have their moments when they get annoyed with a sibling, for the most part that results in temporary pairing off (2 vs 2).

I'm defensive because there's a bizarre anti-4 kids vibe on DCUM. This isn't the first thread to go there. Once three became the new two, everyone went batshit crazy against four. So weird.

I think the pp had subpar parents if she felt so neglected that she would have willingly cut 1-3 siblings out of the picture. Either that, or she's overly needy.

But the point of this thread is that OP fears she would be a subpar parent to more children. And she fears that one of her children might be "overly needy" in that he/she has some issues that might take a lot of OP's time. So it's not clear to me why you think it is helpful in this thread to subtly encourage OP to push herself beyond her comfort zone, given that she fears exactly what you think are the reasons PP might not have liked being one of 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

You seem a little defensive. It looks like PP bases her opinion on the bolded above. She has insight because she herself is one of 4 kids.

Your personal insight is based on your own experience of being one of four, just like PP's is. You thought being one of 4 was fantastic and wanted to recreate that. PP thought being one of 4 was less than fantastic and decided not to have so many children. These are both perfectly valid, normal experiences of being members of big families. (FWIW, perceptions of the merits of big families often differ by birth order and age gaps.)

However, you don't actually know how your kids view the experience, because you are not them.

Yes, of course everyone has a valid personal experience and opinion...that's precisely why I posted my experience: to combat her sweeping generalization.

My kids are happy and love their siblings. They see how I interact with my siblings, how we pitch in to help our parents and extended family, and they are learning that they should do the same for their own siblings. My kids are currently face timing their cousins and giggling. All four of them. While they have their moments when they get annoyed with a sibling, for the most part that results in temporary pairing off (2 vs 2).

I'm defensive because there's a bizarre anti-4 kids vibe on DCUM. This isn't the first thread to go there. Once three became the new two, everyone went batshit crazy against four. So weird.

I think the pp had subpar parents if she felt so neglected that she would have willingly cut 1-3 siblings out of the picture. Either that, or she's overly needy.

But the point of this thread is that OP fears she would be a subpar parent to more children. And she fears that one of her children might be "overly needy" in that he/she has some issues that might take a lot of OP's time. So it's not clear to me why you think it is helpful in this thread to subtly encourage OP to push herself beyond her comfort zone, given that she fears exactly what you think are the reasons PP might not have liked being one of 4.

I'm not pushing the op to do anything. If she doesn't want a third, then she shouldn't have one. If she really wants one, then go for it.

Nobody should make important life decisions based on anecdotes from strangers...especially strangers from dcumlandia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

You seem a little defensive. It looks like PP bases her opinion on the bolded above. She has insight because she herself is one of 4 kids.

Your personal insight is based on your own experience of being one of four, just like PP's is. You thought being one of 4 was fantastic and wanted to recreate that. PP thought being one of 4 was less than fantastic and decided not to have so many children. These are both perfectly valid, normal experiences of being members of big families. (FWIW, perceptions of the merits of big families often differ by birth order and age gaps.)

However, you don't actually know how your kids view the experience, because you are not them.

Yes, of course everyone has a valid personal experience and opinion...that's precisely why I posted my experience: to combat her sweeping generalization.

My kids are happy and love their siblings. They see how I interact with my siblings, how we pitch in to help our parents and extended family, and they are learning that they should do the same for their own siblings. My kids are currently face timing their cousins and giggling. All four of them. While they have their moments when they get annoyed with a sibling, for the most part that results in temporary pairing off (2 vs 2).

I'm defensive because there's a bizarre anti-4 kids vibe on DCUM. This isn't the first thread to go there. Once three became the new two, everyone went batshit crazy against four. So weird.

I think the pp had subpar parents if she felt so neglected that she would have willingly cut 1-3 siblings out of the picture. Either that, or she's overly needy.

There is a backlash agains 4 because it comes from a place of greed. Typical American greed... more . more , more!
The smugness of we can afford it so why not or we just so evolved our kids don't need xyz because they aren't snowflakes etc.
And it's so obvious people are trying to fill a void in themselves with kids. OP's post and yous just confirms all of this for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

You seem a little defensive. It looks like PP bases her opinion on the bolded above. She has insight because she herself is one of 4 kids.

Your personal insight is based on your own experience of being one of four, just like PP's is. You thought being one of 4 was fantastic and wanted to recreate that. PP thought being one of 4 was less than fantastic and decided not to have so many children. These are both perfectly valid, normal experiences of being members of big families. (FWIW, perceptions of the merits of big families often differ by birth order and age gaps.)

However, you don't actually know how your kids view the experience, because you are not them.

Yes, of course everyone has a valid personal experience and opinion...that's precisely why I posted my experience: to combat her sweeping generalization.

My kids are happy and love their siblings. They see how I interact with my siblings, how we pitch in to help our parents and extended family, and they are learning that they should do the same for their own siblings. My kids are currently face timing their cousins and giggling. All four of them. While they have their moments when they get annoyed with a sibling, for the most part that results in temporary pairing off (2 vs 2).

I'm defensive because there's a bizarre anti-4 kids vibe on DCUM. This isn't the first thread to go there. Once three became the new two, everyone went batshit crazy against four. So weird.

I think the pp had subpar parents if she felt so neglected that she would have willingly cut 1-3 siblings out of the picture. Either that, or she's overly needy.

Yes, PP might be overly needy or had bad/mediocre parents, but her experience as 1 of 4 is just as valid as yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a fantasy of a big family not reality. You seem to see what reality might entail...take it to the logical conclusion that the fantasy never existed in the first place. Having a lot of kids is hard.

Ok, this is actually super helpful to me. You're right. Having a third is not going to magically turn my current family into the fun, easy-going family of my fantasy. Whether I have two or three, that fantasy does not exist.

Thank you for posting.

You're very welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I'm not sure whether I should say this, because it's probably good for the people who have 4 to believe that the kids are definitely having a blast, but: sometimes they are, and often they are feeling like it would be great if there were one less kid in the family. Or 2 or 3 less. I am one of four kids and there were times when I loved being part of a large family (and still do) but just as many times when I would have cut one from the herd in a heartbeat if it meant more time or attention. Four kids is a lot of kids, and there is only so much parental attention to go around.

What do you base that on?

I'm one of four kids, and I have four kids. I never wished that we had a smaller family growing up. Never. My parents adored us. We were loved. I was also raised in the 70s so I wasn't helicoptered. We played outside with the neighborhood kids and learned how to solve problems ourselves.

My four kids are loved. They receive plenty of attention---one on one, and as a group (and that's intentional: I'm not interested in raising self-centered snowflakes).

Do you have four kids, pp? If not, how could you possibly have any insight?

You seem a little defensive. It looks like PP bases her opinion on the bolded above. She has insight because she herself is one of 4 kids.

Your personal insight is based on your own experience of being one of four, just like PP's is. You thought being one of 4 was fantastic and wanted to recreate that. PP thought being one of 4 was less than fantastic and decided not to have so many children. These are both perfectly valid, normal experiences of being members of big families. (FWIW, perceptions of the merits of big families often differ by birth order and age gaps.)

However, you don't actually know how your kids view the experience, because you are not them.

Yes, of course everyone has a valid personal experience and opinion...that's precisely why I posted my experience: to combat her sweeping generalization.

My kids are happy and love their siblings. They see how I interact with my siblings, how we pitch in to help our parents and extended family, and they are learning that they should do the same for their own siblings. My kids are currently face timing their cousins and giggling. All four of them. While they have their moments when they get annoyed with a sibling, for the most part that results in temporary pairing off (2 vs 2).

I'm defensive because there's a bizarre anti-4 kids vibe on DCUM. This isn't the first thread to go there. Once three became the new two, everyone went batshit crazy against four. So weird.

I think the pp had subpar parents if she felt so neglected that she would have willingly cut 1-3 siblings out of the picture. Either that, or she's overly needy.

Yes, PP might be overly needy or had bad/mediocre parents, but her experience as 1 of 4 is just as valid as yours.

Agreed (and that's precisely what I said and why I posted).

Nobody can tell the op what to do. Only she knows what she's equipped to handle and how she wants to live her life.