Wanted big family but think we can only handle two kids. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be sad. Be happy you realized your limitations unlike me. We probably should have stopped at two. I am going to tell you the downsides of not listening to your gut. I in no way regret the additional two we had, just look back in hindsight to give you some insight.

My husband is add and has some depression issues. We both work. I can't quit for a variety of reasons. We have a child with ADHD. The stress of dealing with my husbands limitations and my son has nearly destroyed our marriage. We may make it out ok, we'll see.

The sheer noise of four children puts my husband over the edge. It is really hard to travel to hotels, everything costs way more because you need more plane tickets, extra or larger rooms. My children cannot do as many extra curricular activities because we just can't handle all the running. Your lifestyle changes a lot with more kids.

ditto. I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

I have 4 and totally agree with this. I end up yelling at my kids all the time because they are so freaking loud. Dh works a lot, and so the kids can't do individual activities (only coordinated ones like ice skating or swimming or gymnastics where at least one other can do it at the same time). They don't mind, but it's not fair if you think about it. Dh and I don't have time for ourselves at all, it's very hard to work full time and manage it all.

[Anonymous]

I had one child at 31 and always thought I'd have another, but began to doubt my ability to raise two kids with my husband, a depressive introvert. So, I focused on ALL
the wonderful things about having my one child for an entire year. (She was 3-4). My husband said he'd have another "for me" if I wanted. At the end of that year, I didn't want a second kid. She's now 11 and I have zero regrets. I definitely made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

I say this sincerely and not with snark - go read a few threads on the infertility board. Lots of women would love to have one, let alone two kids. And yes - focus on what you have been blessed with instead of focusing on what you don't have.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you had a fantasy of a big family not reality. You seem to see what reality might entail...take it to the logical conclusion that the fantasy never existed in the first place. Having a lot of kids is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this sincerely and not with snark - go read a few threads on the infertility board. Lots of women would love to have one, let alone two kids. And yes - focus on what you have been blessed with instead of focusing on what you don't have.

It doesn't really help me to surround myself with other women who wish they could grow their families. I'm not a competitive person so seeing I'm better off than someone else doesn't make me feel good. I just get in the mindset of wanting another one. I'd prefer to hear from women who have figured out how to quash that feeling and just focus on the blessings they do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a fantasy of a big family not reality. You seem to see what reality might entail...take it to the logical conclusion that the fantasy never existed in the first place. Having a lot of kids is hard.

Ok, this is actually super helpful to me. You're right. Having a third is not going to magically turn my current family into the fun, easy-going family of my fantasy. Whether I have two or three, that fantasy does not exist.

Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses so far.

Kids are 5 and 3. I am 34.

We have two and they're older and it feels like plenty. We also have pets! I think as your kids get older you will appreciate all the cool things you can do with them, and do as a family, that would be difficult with a bigger family. I feel like there's more intimacy in our family of four than we'd have with more kids.

[Anonymous]

A big family isn't all you think it is. I have a lot of close friends who grew up with 3+ siblings and they live far away from each other as adults and barely see each other. It's good that you are able to recognize and be honest with yourself about your limitations.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of five kids. Our parents handled it really well, all things considered, and I love and am close to my family, but I do feel like I was a bit neglected and under-parented in some ways. Two of my siblings sucked up a disproportionate amount of time and attention. As the "good" middle child, I was pretty much left to my own devices on a lot of things. It wasn't great. I stopped at two kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, also keep in mind that if/when your bandwidth increases, you could be the family that always brings along a friend or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of five kids. Our parents handled it really well, all things considered, and I love and am close to my family, but I do feel like I was a bit neglected and under-parented in some ways. Two of my siblings sucked up a disproportionate amount of time and attention. As the "good" middle child, I was pretty much left to my own devices on a lot of things. It wasn't great. I stopped at two kids.

On the flip side, I'm one of four kids and I have four kids myself. I never felt under-parented or neglected. My dad coached our teams, and my mom was very active at school. One of my siblings also sucked up a disproportionate amount of time due to mental health issues and addiction that surfaced as a teen/young adult. *Note: that can happen even if you only have one or two kids, and IMHO having additional happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids/siblings is a blessing. One of my friends with a handful of kids jokes that surely one or two of them will be successful enough to support them in old age ;0)

You're only 34, and unless you are on birth control anything can happen. My fourth was a surprise somewhat later in life...and a true blessing.

As a mom of 4, I think 3 was easy and not a noticeable difference from 2.

[Anonymous]

OP I think your gut is telling you to have another one and if you don't I think you will regret it in your later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh... the whiny, self-indulgent threads are the worst!

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this sincerely and not with snark - go read a few threads on the infertility board. Lots of women would love to have one, let alone two kids. And yes - focus on what you have been blessed with instead of focusing on what you don't have.

Plus 1. Perspective and gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Plus a million