He thinks I stopped taking the pill

[Anonymous]

What will you do when eventually you do get pregnant, even in a few years, and you're at a doc appointment together and the doc asks how long you were trying, if you ever tried before, etc? Lie to fool your husband? Lie about your medical history to someone with your baby's life in their hands?

[Anonymous]

This is awful. What are you going to tell him when he is ready to go to a fertility clinic when you're not pregnant after a year of 'trying'? Or when he finds your pack of pills when it falls out of your purse? This is really no way to treat your art ER. It is also horrible that he is pressuring you. Can you give him something specific that you're waiting for? A friend of mine's marriage almost broke up when my friend was not ready for a baby but could say why. I have no idea what she was waiting for, but her husband was pretty fed up with getting the run around for years. She finally felt ready at almost 30, but it's been a year and no luck. Figure out what you are waiting for, tell him, and then make good on it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you want kids OP. I think you like the idea of it because you're supposed to but you don't really want them. And I question if you really want to be married to this guy I think you like him for his big family.. let him go now so you can both be happier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to lay out exactly what you need to feel ready- does your relationship need improvement, do you need a certain amount of money saved, do you want to reach certain educational or career milestones first, etc. If he feels like you are both working towards it, rather than just waiting around for an unspecified amount of time, he may back off a bit.

This what does ready mean for you? And then the pair of you really need to work on it together. This open ended not ready isn't fair

[ddintysons]

PP here. If there were temporary male birth control, I would have used that as an example. Is OP or is OP not engaging in a long, involved lie to her DH as opposed to communicating with him? That is the point of the analogy, not the permanence of the birth control method.

I am glad this poster made his point clear. This is what i understood as well.

I think the advice for the OP has been great and focused on some of the most important items (e.g., the OP's apprehensions regarding timing, finances, etc.) I hope she is able to share what she is feeling with her DH.

I would like to know if she responded to the question about how she would feel if things were the other way around (i.e., she thought they were trying to have a baby and he was making sure they were could not.) If being a parent right now is important to him, then he may not be with the right partner.

She should not be forced to have a baby, not now and not ever. If he wants a baby now, he should be free to find someone else who does as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the deception is pretty awful. Not being ready is fine, but the constant lying and letting him get his hopes up for something he wants is not.

Reverse the situation. What if your DH got a vasectomy before you are ready but didn't tell you and you spent 6 months to a year trying to have a baby? Wouldn't you be livid about the lie?

100% this.

You're in trouble if you guys can't be honest with each other.

Getting a vascetomy and continuing birth control are 2 completely different things.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are totally valid. Nothing wrong there.

There is something wrong with having to lie. This is a problem that you are misleading him, and that he's not respecting your feelings. Whether and when to have kids is simply something that one party has veto power on and it has to be respected, even if discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This relationship won't make it.

This is 100% certain. OP, break up before you have kids, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Answer this question: what if the roles were reversed and you were in his shoes? How would you feel when you found out?

The difference is the woman is the one who has the baby! It takes a bigger toll on the woman and she has to more to deal with than him. Now, if men got pregnant and the wife was pushing I would say the same thing. Get counseling and do not have a baby with someone that is not listening to you and forcing you to do something this life changing without your consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. What are you going to tell him when he is ready to go to a fertility clinic when you're not pregnant after a year of 'trying'? Or when he finds your pack of pills when it falls out of your purse? This is really no way to treat your art ER. It is also horrible that he is pressuring you. Can you give him something specific that you're waiting for? A friend of mine's marriage almost broke up when my friend was not ready for a baby but could say why. I have no idea what she was waiting for, but her husband was pretty fed up with getting the run around for years. She finally felt ready at almost 30, but it's been a year and no luck. Figure out what you are waiting for, tell him, and then make good on it.

It is possible to get pregnant when missing a pill. It is also told to women trying to get pregnant that it can take half the time you were on the pill to get pregnant. I.e., 10 yrs on the pill can take 5 years to get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the deception is pretty awful. Not being ready is fine, but the constant lying and letting him get his hopes up for something he wants is not.

Reverse the situation. What if your DH got a vasectomy before you are ready but didn't tell you and you spent 6 months to a year trying to have a baby? Wouldn't you be livid about the lie?

100% this.

You're in trouble if you guys can't be honest with each other.

Wait - everyone saying that she's lying to her DH - she isn't lying. She said in her OP that she's told him several times but he won't listen. Here is her OP

But, I haven't. I'm still taking it. He wants to have a baby now. I'm just not ready. I've told him this many times. It's like he doesn't even hear me. I know I want kids but not now. Hoping I can buy some time, 6 months - 1 year would be good. Plus we really can't afford it right now.

Am I awful?

For everyone jumping on you about lying and not being honest, remember that you've been telling him MANY TIMES and HE'S the one not listening. There's not much more you can do if he won't get it through his brain what you're telling him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the deception is pretty awful. Not being ready is fine, but the constant lying and letting him get his hopes up for something he wants is not.

Reverse the situation. What if your DH got a vasectomy before you are ready but didn't tell you and you spent 6 months to a year trying to have a baby? Wouldn't you be livid about the lie?

100% this.

You're in trouble if you guys can't be honest with each other.

Wait - everyone saying that she's lying to her DH - she isn't lying. She said in her OP that she's told him several times but he won't listen. Here is her OP

But, I haven't. I'm still taking it. He wants to have a baby now. I'm just not ready. I've told him this many times. It's like he doesn't even hear me. I know I want kids but not now. Hoping I can buy some time, 6 months - 1 year would be good. Plus we really can't afford it right now.

Am I awful?

For everyone jumping on you about lying and not being honest, remember that you've been telling him MANY TIMES and HE'S the one not listening. There's not much more you can do if he won't get it through his brain what you're telling him.

Are you that dense? Look at the title of the thread. "He thinks I stopped taking the pill" Why does he think that? She lied. She didn't try to hide it. You are the only one apparently unwilling to accept that fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the deception is pretty awful. Not being ready is fine, but the constant lying and letting him get his hopes up for something he wants is not.

Reverse the situation. What if your DH got a vasectomy before you are ready but didn't tell you and you spent 6 months to a year trying to have a baby? Wouldn't you be livid about the lie?

100% this.

You're in trouble if you guys can't be honest with each other.

Getting a vascetomy and continuing birth control are 2 completely different things.

They aren't really. I don't think a man needs his wife's permission to get a vasectomy either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the deception is pretty awful. Not being ready is fine, but the constant lying and letting him get his hopes up for something he wants is not.

Reverse the situation. What if your DH got a vasectomy before you are ready but didn't tell you and you spent 6 months to a year trying to have a baby? Wouldn't you be livid about the lie?

Maybe he shouldn't be badgering her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What will you do when eventually you do get pregnant, even in a few years, and you're at a doc appointment together and the doc asks how long you were trying, if you ever tried before, etc? Lie to fool your husband? Lie about your medical history to someone with your baby's life in their hands?

Why the hell would the husband be at the doctors appointment?

Only appointment my DH came to was to hear the first heartbeat and then the major ultrasound at 20 weeks.

For the record, I've been pregnant 3xs and i was never asked how long i was trying and never asked if i was on birth control while trying. It has no meducal relevancy.