First night without kids and so sad

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. This has to be heartbreaking. Have you considered any support groups?

[Anonymous]

It gets better. That first night is hard! Surely you've had nights off from your kids before, right? You need to come up with some routines for the kid-free nights to keep you busy and active. My daughter typically spends Monday and Wednesday nights at dad's house, so I found yoga classes on each night. I also have certain meetings on Monday nights. Wednesday nights have become a fun night to see a few of my friends; my friends know to text me if they want to get out and be social on a Wednesday. Those nights are also good for yardwork or binge-watching shows that are inappropriate for kids. They're great for eating stuff the kids don't like. (Thai or Indian, in my case.)

So you just need to reframe this from "Mom is so sad that the kids are off at the Jerk's house" to "Awesome night "off"! woohoo!"

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

I've been there, and it knocked the wind out of me initially. But, as others have said, I promise it gets better. It really, really does.

Hang in there.

(And ignore the assholes - wtf is wrong with people?)

[Anonymous]

I hope this advice comes across as helpful.

Speaking from experience as someone similar to your ex-DH, these angry texts only serve to bolster his decision to leave you for someone else. He isn't going to become retrospective, and neither would you under the circumstances. Now, if he were a gentlemen, he would send you a simple text that said: "I apologize for hurting you. We need to co-parent together for the sake of our kids. Please know that I will not respond further to attacks. I will be happy to respond to all child-related messages."

Please, please, please for the sake of your kids, do not descend into a war with you ex. Mutually assured destruction will also destroy your kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this advice comes across as helpful.

Speaking from experience as someone similar to your ex-DH, these angry texts only serve to bolster his decision to leave you for someone else. He isn't going to become retrospective, and neither would you under the circumstances. Now, if he were a gentlemen, he would send you a simple text that said: "I apologize for hurting you. We need to co-parent together for the sake of our kids. Please know that I will not respond further to attacks. I will be happy to respond to all child-related messages."

Please, please, please for the sake of your kids, do not descend into a war with you ex. Mutually assured destruction will also destroy your kids too.

This is absolutely true - and think about it, when you text mean stuff to your ex, he can show that to your kids! And it can be used as evidence against you in various proceedings.

It's probably time to get some therapy or join a support group. You need to let go of the anger. Anger will hurt you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for the kind posts and helpful advice. It is very hard. For the nasty posters, why do you think I was mad at myself for doing this? I know it is wrong but when you are caught up in sadness and grief, you don't always think rationally.

No more texting for sure. My kids don't want to go stay at his house but I completely encourage it and never say a bad word about him to them.

I know it will get better but these firsts are so heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. I'm 7 months in to my separation, and the only thing that still makes me burst into tears is the fact that as a result of my ex's infidelity, I now only see my children half the time.

The reality is that your ex is probably absolutely fine with it. My soon-to-be ex-mother in law, who is furious with her son for having an affair with his secretary, told me that she thinks her son actually prefers the new arrangement because he has 3-4 nights per week "off" and "kid-free" so he can do what he wants. She said he never mentions missing the kids at all.

It sucks. But PPs are right . . . limit all communication to the kids and divorce proceedings. Cutting him out of your life that way will be the best revenge.

[Anonymous]

You sound unstable and possibly are a danger to your children.

If I were your XH, I'd seek full custody, arguing you might do something crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound unstable and possibly are a danger to your children.

If I were your XH, I'd seek full custody, arguing you might do something crazy.

You are an ass. OP seems unstable because she misses her kids??? Yes, her cheating husband who blew up his family should get full custody for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound unstable and possibly are a danger to your children.

If I were your XH, I'd seek full custody, arguing you might do something crazy.

There is something seriously wrong with you. I'm talking a deep self-loathing that no amount of therapy willl ever help. I feel sad that the OP is struggling, but she will get better. Unfortunately, there isn't much hope for you.

[Anonymous]

I know it's really hard to see now, but there will very likely come a day when you really enjoy some time off from your kids. It took me awhile as I had my DD every night for the first 6 months of our separation (cheating ex just didn't ask to take her until then). At first it was rough (and SO quiet) but I tried to plan to go out with friends or exercise or do something fun on my own that I never would have otherwise had the opportunity to do.

Regarding the texting - try to give yourself a break on that one. A word of advice that someone told me to always consider was to think about, "if my kid ever one day found out that I did this, would she/he/they be proud of me?". That's always stuck with me and kept me from doing/saying things that might do me a disservice. Above all, I want DD to be proud of how I conducted myself.

Good luck and hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound unstable and possibly are a danger to your children.

If I were your XH, I'd seek full custody, arguing you might do something crazy.

OP here. That would be very difficult as I have always been the primary parent for my kids. I have always done the cooking, cleaning, doctors appointments, kept on top of their education and laundry. Would be an eye opener for him for sure??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's really hard to see now, but there will very likely come a day when you really enjoy some time off from your kids. It took me awhile as I had my DD every night for the first 6 months of our separation (cheating ex just didn't ask to take her until then). At first it was rough (and SO quiet) but I tried to plan to go out with friends or exercise or do something fun on my own that I never would have otherwise had the opportunity to do.

Regarding the texting - try to give yourself a break on that one. A word of advice that someone told me to always consider was to think about, "if my kid ever one day found out that I did this, would she/he/they be proud of me?". That's always stuck with me and kept me from doing/saying things that might do me a disservice. Above all, I want DD to be proud of how I conducted myself.

Good luck and hang in there!

Lawyer here, +1 on this. To reframe it, never text something you don't want on the public record in a court of law. This is all admissible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound unstable and possibly are a danger to your children.

If I were your XH, I'd seek full custody, arguing you might do something crazy.

Exactly what I was thinking. I guess it's his fault that she couldn't keep him happy during the marriage. Typical DCUM logic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound unstable and possibly are a danger to your children.

If I were your XH, I'd seek full custody, arguing you might do something crazy.

Exactly what I was thinking. I guess it's his fault that she couldn't keep him happy during the marriage. Typical DCUM logic

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you bored? Drunk? Jesus.

OP, please ignore these sad, sad people.

I posted earlier but want to reiterate: It WILL get better. I swear.

In the meantime, something that helped me resist the very understandable urge to lash out to your ex-husband: Have a plan - a go-to thing that you do almost reflexively instead.

I had a Plan A and a Plan B. Plan A was for when I was furious but not crying: I took a long walk, usually with a podcast in my ear. Plan B was for when I was sobbing mess: I got busy on a project in the house that I'd mapped out earlier - something mindless and physical, cleaned out the closets, bulk cooked, etc. I kept a list so that I didn't have to think too much; I could just get to it.

Hang in there.