'Thank God!' for a healthy baby. Please explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank God that after the tragedy that this family has endured, that they have the healthy baby that they wanted. It doesn't diminish their loss, but hopefully the joy of the very much wanted child will help them recover from their loss and grief.

sounds like you didn't read all the way through. THe baby isn't born yet.

But she told people about the test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

OP, your post has been on my mind a lot over the last week days. I am the Hospice Minister that often posts in this forum. I am so very sorry that your precious 10 month old son died. Most people will never understand the grief that comes with watching your child die. I hope you are beginning to move towards a place of peace.

I want to try to respond to your questions, not because I have the answers. But because I deal with the same questions every day. I think the most obvious answer to why people say things like "Praise God" or "Thank you God" is because they don't know what else to say. Most people are truly trying to be supportive. They are responding in the only way they know. I would encourage you not to read too much into it. Try to accept it for what it is - People are trying to show you support.

The other question you seem to be asking is "why?". I'm not sure what your faith path is. It really doesn't matter. Everyone seeks the same answers when something painful and unexplainable happens. Why would God create a child knowing he was going to die? What would I feel gratitude towards a God who allowed my firstborn to die? If God is so great, why didn't he answer the prayers of the many people praying for his healing?

I believe that you will find the answers to these questions in time. Right now your grief is very new. Grief counseling with a good therapist can be so beneficial in helping you sort through all the emotions associated with profound loss. If you aren't already in therapy, I hope you'll give some consideration to joining a support group. We have a pediatric wing in our Hospice facility and I do a lot of home Hospice care as well. I have walked this path with so many parents. One thing I have learned that seems to be universally true. You will find the answers to your questions in time. That precious little boy lived inside you for 9 months. And he lived on this earth for another 10 months. His life had meaning and purpose. He lived for a reason. As you continue your grief work, I believe you'll learn more about that purpose.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm wishing you an easy pregnancy and an even easier delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

OP, your post has been on my mind a lot over the last week days. I am the Hospice Minister that often posts in this forum. I am so very sorry that your precious 10 month old son died. Most people will never understand the grief that comes with watching your child die. I hope you are beginning to move towards a place of peace.

I want to try to respond to your questions, not because I have the answers. But because I deal with the same questions every day. I think the most obvious answer to why people say things like "Praise God" or "Thank you God" is because they don't know what else to say. Most people are truly trying to be supportive. They are responding in the only way they know. I would encourage you not to read too much into it. Try to accept it for what it is - People are trying to show you support.

The other question you seem to be asking is "why?". I'm not sure what your faith path is. It really doesn't matter. Everyone seeks the same answers when something painful and unexplainable happens. Why would God create a child knowing he was going to die? What would I feel gratitude towards a God who allowed my firstborn to die? If God is so great, why didn't he answer the prayers of the many people praying for his healing?

I believe that you will find the answers to these questions in time. Right now your grief is very new. Grief counseling with a good therapist can be so beneficial in helping you sort through all the emotions associated with profound loss. If you aren't already in therapy, I hope you'll give some consideration to joining a support group. We have a pediatric wing in our Hospice facility and I do a lot of home Hospice care as well. I have walked this path with so many parents. One thing I have learned that seems to be universally true. You will find the answers to your questions in time. That precious little boy lived inside you for 9 months. And he lived on this earth for another 10 months. His life had meaning and purpose. He lived for a reason. As you continue your grief work, I believe you'll learn more about that purpose.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm wishing you an easy pregnancy and an even easier delivery.

No one ever finds answers to those questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

OP, your post has been on my mind a lot over the last week days. I am the Hospice Minister that often posts in this forum. I am so very sorry that your precious 10 month old son died. Most people will never understand the grief that comes with watching your child die. I hope you are beginning to move towards a place of peace.

I want to try to respond to your questions, not because I have the answers. But because I deal with the same questions every day. I think the most obvious answer to why people say things like "Praise God" or "Thank you God" is because they don't know what else to say. Most people are truly trying to be supportive. They are responding in the only way they know. I would encourage you not to read too much into it. Try to accept it for what it is - People are trying to show you support.

The other question you seem to be asking is "why?". I'm not sure what your faith path is. It really doesn't matter. Everyone seeks the same answers when something painful and unexplainable happens. Why would God create a child knowing he was going to die? What would I feel gratitude towards a God who allowed my firstborn to die? If God is so great, why didn't he answer the prayers of the many people praying for his healing?

I believe that you will find the answers to these questions in time. Right now your grief is very new. Grief counseling with a good therapist can be so beneficial in helping you sort through all the emotions associated with profound loss. If you aren't already in therapy, I hope you'll give some consideration to joining a support group. We have a pediatric wing in our Hospice facility and I do a lot of home Hospice care as well. I have walked this path with so many parents. One thing I have learned that seems to be universally true. You will find the answers to your questions in time. That precious little boy lived inside you for 9 months. And he lived on this earth for another 10 months. His life had meaning and purpose. He lived for a reason. As you continue your grief work, I believe you'll learn more about that purpose.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm wishing you an easy pregnancy and an even easier delivery.

No one ever finds answers to those questions.

+1 The hospice minister's response was lovely except for this -- the assurance that OPs questions would be answered - that a purpose for her baby's death eventually would be revealed.

Coming to an understanding of God's meaning is one possible outcome. It's also possible that over time people find comfort with a certain explanation for their loss and their baby's suffering without ever really finding an answer that relates to a benevolent God.

Perhaps OPs faith in God will prevail and even get stronger. Another possibility is that OP will find comfort or closure with the concept that there is not a god and no benevolent being was involved in any way in the death of her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

OP, your post has been on my mind a lot over the last week days. I am the Hospice Minister that often posts in this forum. I am so very sorry that your precious 10 month old son died. Most people will never understand the grief that comes with watching your child die. I hope you are beginning to move towards a place of peace.

I want to try to respond to your questions, not because I have the answers. But because I deal with the same questions every day. I think the most obvious answer to why people say things like "Praise God" or "Thank you God" is because they don't know what else to say. Most people are truly trying to be supportive. They are responding in the only way they know. I would encourage you not to read too much into it. Try to accept it for what it is - People are trying to show you support.

The other question you seem to be asking is "why?". I'm not sure what your faith path is. It really doesn't matter. Everyone seeks the same answers when something painful and unexplainable happens. Why would God create a child knowing he was going to die? What would I feel gratitude towards a God who allowed my firstborn to die? If God is so great, why didn't he answer the prayers of the many people praying for his healing?

I believe that you will find the answers to these questions in time. Right now your grief is very new. Grief counseling with a good therapist can be so beneficial in helping you sort through all the emotions associated with profound loss. If you aren't already in therapy, I hope you'll give some consideration to joining a support group. We have a pediatric wing in our Hospice facility and I do a lot of home Hospice care as well. I have walked this path with so many parents. One thing I have learned that seems to be universally true. You will find the answers to your questions in time. That precious little boy lived inside you for 9 months. And he lived on this earth for another 10 months. His life had meaning and purpose. He lived for a reason. As you continue your grief work, I believe you'll learn more about that purpose.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm wishing you an easy pregnancy and an even easier delivery.

No one ever finds answers to those questions.

+1 The hospice minister's response was lovely except for this -- the assurance that OPs questions would be answered - that a purpose for her baby's death eventually would be revealed.

Coming to an understanding of God's meaning is one possible outcome. It's also possible that over time people find comfort with a certain explanation for their loss and their baby's suffering without ever really finding an answer that relates to a benevolent God.

Perhaps OPs faith in God will prevail and even get stronger. Another possibility is that OP will find comfort or closure with the concept that there is not a god and no benevolent being was involved in any way in the death of her son.

I respectfully disagree. It has nothing to do with God or religion. People who are not religious find answers as well. In my experience as a minister who has literally been with hundreds of families through terminal illness, death, and grief after death, they all find answers. The answers are as different as the individuals. The answers sometimes have nothing to do with God. But they are answers that lead to an understanding of purpose and eventually to a place of peace. Perhaps it's because people who are in our support groups are actively seeking those answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me process this, I don't know where else to ask. In Dec my 10 month old son died after a brutal battle with a heart defect. He never left the ICU in all of that time. My husband and I went to great lengths to get pregnant after many fail attempts and finally got pregnant with twins after IVF abroad.

I am now pregnant naturally with a miracle due exactly 9 months from his funeral. Obviously we are still in shock and disbelief with a host of complex emotions and feelings. I had a fetal echo to check out the heart this week and it came back normal and healthy. So I posted that much on Facebook. Everyone was incredibly supportive about it. I also had some "Praise God" and "Thanks be to God" on my post. I don't get it. These are people that prayed fervently for my son to be healed. Why would I thank god for creating this healthy heart when he gave my son a defective one? I'm so irritated by this and I've been thinking about it all day. On one hand I almost see it as a pat saying like "awesome" or "yay". I just don't understand this thought process. Help me understand and I mean that in a genuinely curious way.

OP, your post has been on my mind a lot over the last week days. I am the Hospice Minister that often posts in this forum. I am so very sorry that your precious 10 month old son died. Most people will never understand the grief that comes with watching your child die. I hope you are beginning to move towards a place of peace.

I want to try to respond to your questions, not because I have the answers. But because I deal with the same questions every day. I think the most obvious answer to why people say things like "Praise God" or "Thank you God" is because they don't know what else to say. Most people are truly trying to be supportive. They are responding in the only way they know. I would encourage you not to read too much into it. Try to accept it for what it is - People are trying to show you support.

The other question you seem to be asking is "why?". I'm not sure what your faith path is. It really doesn't matter. Everyone seeks the same answers when something painful and unexplainable happens. Why would God create a child knowing he was going to die? What would I feel gratitude towards a God who allowed my firstborn to die? If God is so great, why didn't he answer the prayers of the many people praying for his healing?

I believe that you will find the answers to these questions in time. Right now your grief is very new. Grief counseling with a good therapist can be so beneficial in helping you sort through all the emotions associated with profound loss. If you aren't already in therapy, I hope you'll give some consideration to joining a support group. We have a pediatric wing in our Hospice facility and I do a lot of home Hospice care as well. I have walked this path with so many parents. One thing I have learned that seems to be universally true. You will find the answers to your questions in time. That precious little boy lived inside you for 9 months. And he lived on this earth for another 10 months. His life had meaning and purpose. He lived for a reason. As you continue your grief work, I believe you'll learn more about that purpose.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm wishing you an easy pregnancy and an even easier delivery.

No one ever finds answers to those questions.

+1 The hospice minister's response was lovely except for this -- the assurance that OPs questions would be answered - that a purpose for her baby's death eventually would be revealed.

Coming to an understanding of God's meaning is one possible outcome. It's also possible that over time people find comfort with a certain explanation for their loss and their baby's suffering without ever really finding an answer that relates to a benevolent God.

Perhaps OPs faith in God will prevail and even get stronger. Another possibility is that OP will find comfort or closure with the concept that there is not a god and no benevolent being was involved in any way in the death of her son.

I respectfully disagree. It has nothing to do with God or religion. People who are not religious find answers as well. In my experience as a minister who has literally been with hundreds of families through terminal illness, death, and grief after death, they all find answers. The answers are as different as the individuals. The answers sometimes have nothing to do with God. But they are answers that lead to an understanding of purpose and eventually to a place of peace. Perhaps it's because people who are in our support groups are actively seeking those answers.

What are some of the answers that people have found, in your experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I respectfully disagree. It has nothing to do with God or religion. People who are not religious find answers as well. In my experience as a minister who has literally been with hundreds of families through terminal illness, death, and grief after death, they all find answers. The answers are as different as the individuals. The answers sometimes have nothing to do with God. But they are answers that lead to an understanding of purpose and eventually to a place of peace. Perhaps it's because people who are in our support groups are actively seeking those answers.

Literally this says nothing.

[Anonymous]

I lost my first son and agree with hospice minister. I will never feel OK or at peace with his death, but I do have some answers after nearly 10 years. The biggest is that I wouldn't have my second son without the loss. And I have more depth of (and flaws in) my character, that maybe wouldn't have emerged without the horror of his death. My marriage has been through hell and out the other side OK which is huge.

It is sort of like going to war. You aren't exactly who you thought you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are thanking God that you clearly wanted to be pregnant again, and you are pregnant again. They are thanking God that you wanted a healthy pregnancy this time, and you have a healthy pregnancy this time.

I know it doesn't make up for your losses or heal your wounds, but they are thankful for THIS moment, for THIS good thing.

They are thanking God that your journey a mother could have ended with losing one child and with heartbreaking fertility struggles. But your journey now continues with a healthy pregnancy. And even though you have had an awful, catastrophic time before, right NOW there is something to be very thankful for.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all of your struggles. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy. Wishing the best for you.

I'm not Op, but you are truly a good and kind person.

Plus 1000 to both pp and op!

I'm sorry for your loss op.

[Anonymous]

OP, God never promised it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my first son and agree with hospice minister. I will never feel OK or at peace with his death, but I do have some answers after nearly 10 years. The biggest is that I wouldn't have my second son without the loss. And I have more depth of (and flaws in) my character, that maybe wouldn't have emerged without the horror of his death. My marriage has been through hell and out the other side OK which is huge.

It is sort of like going to war. You aren't exactly who you thought you were.

Thank you for providing this concrete information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my first son and agree with hospice minister. I will never feel OK or at peace with his death, but I do have some answers after nearly 10 years. The biggest is that I wouldn't have my second son without the loss. And I have more depth of (and flaws in) my character, that maybe wouldn't have emerged without the horror of his death. My marriage has been through hell and out the other side OK which is huge.

It is sort of like going to war. You aren't exactly who you thought you were.

These seem more like consequences than answers, i.e., attitudes and behaviors adopted or evolved as a result of the tragedy, not explanations for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are thanking God that you clearly wanted to be pregnant again, and you are pregnant again. They are thanking God that you wanted a healthy pregnancy this time, and you have a healthy pregnancy this time.

I know it doesn't make up for your losses or heal your wounds, but they are thankful for THIS moment, for THIS good thing.

They are thanking God that your journey a mother could have ended with losing one child and with heartbreaking fertility struggles. But your journey now continues with a healthy pregnancy. And even though you have had an awful, catastrophic time before, right NOW there is something to be very thankful for.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all of your struggles. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy. Wishing the best for you.

I'm not Op, but you are truly a good and kind person.

Very well written!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are thanking God that you clearly wanted to be pregnant again, and you are pregnant again. They are thanking God that you wanted a healthy pregnancy this time, and you have a healthy pregnancy this time.

I know it doesn't make up for your losses or heal your wounds, but they are thankful for THIS moment, for THIS good thing.

They are thanking God that your journey a mother could have ended with losing one child and with heartbreaking fertility struggles. But your journey now continues with a healthy pregnancy. And even though you have had an awful, catastrophic time before, right NOW there is something to be very thankful for.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all of your struggles. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy. Wishing the best for you.

Did they blame God too for her loss? It feels disrespectful to me to be thanking God without acknowledging that God wasn't there for her when really needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are thanking God that you clearly wanted to be pregnant again, and you are pregnant again. They are thanking God that you wanted a healthy pregnancy this time, and you have a healthy pregnancy this time.

I know it doesn't make up for your losses or heal your wounds, but they are thankful for THIS moment, for THIS good thing.

They are thanking God that your journey a mother could have ended with losing one child and with heartbreaking fertility struggles. But your journey now continues with a healthy pregnancy. And even though you have had an awful, catastrophic time before, right NOW there is something to be very thankful for.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all of your struggles. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy. Wishing the best for you.

Did they blame God too for her loss? It feels disrespectful to me to be thanking God without acknowledging that God wasn't there for her when really needed.

But you must keep in mind that Christians truly believe that the baby is now with God, and that someday all loss and pain and suffering will be put to rest in the glory of a new life with God. We are told to be comforted knowing that happiness and joy are not for this life; we know there is great suffering in this life. What is to come is what we are living for, but there is much gratitude for joy in the here and now. There is no "blame" on God for suffering in this world; that is the way of this world.