Curfew for my 20 y/o living at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you clearly want your child to move out quick, fast and in a hurry. With 16 year old right behind. Is this 20 year old in college?

She never went to college but thinks as long as she works education doesn't matter.

You need to worry about her not being in college than a curfew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 20 and I've posted here before (with similar hard core backlash for doing so). I find it funny that so many think that once a kid turns 20 they all of a sudden are completely self sufficient and independent. I just assume most of these folks have kids who are like 6 years old who think they are such amazing parents that their kids will all be brilliant college students living away from home with no issues at all. None of them will ever have challenging situations and their teens will be amazing and perfect. When your kids are young it's very easy to judge how you will feel when your kids are 18-20.

in my case, my daughter has an illness which makes her situation a bit unique (she's unable to be completely independent). I never saw that life hiccup coming and never thought I'd be where I am today, looking for help raising a young adult with challenges.

What I can tell you is that on this board, you won't get much support. You'll get berated for "hovering". Regardless of the situation. Because in "internet land", everyone's 20 year olds are perfect and living as independent young adults.

That said, you don't say whether your child (yes, she is still your child even though she's 20) has any unique situation to consider.

At 20, living at home is challenging for a parent. The child is too old to have a curfew, but there should be (in my opinion) a level of respect there (i.e., if the kid goes out they should at least send a text saying they are not coming home....not just stay out all night leaving worried parents up all night when the clock strikes 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am....). That's the challenge I'm currently facing with my daughter. I thought about posting about it but I know the responses would be "if she was living away at college you would never know she didn't come home...stop hovering", etc. (my response would be that if my daughter was living away at school and went to a party and never came home, I'd hope her roommate would be worried too...).

The point I'm trying to make is that raising kids in the immediate post high school years is very hard, especially when your kid (for whatever reason) is not away at college. And there's not a lot of help out there for you. Definitely not here, that's for sure.

In your case, your post (to me) sounds like you are possibly not from the YS ((you remind me of a few friends of mine who come from countries where kids are raised very differently). If that's the case I'm not sure you're going to find the support you are looking for here.

If it's not the case, and your kid does not have any special circumstances that make your (and her) situation unique, I wonder what has gone on in your life that makes you feel so afraid and worried about your daughter.

Even college kids come home for breaks and butt heads with their parents. They are used to having freedom in the microcosm of their college campus, then they come home and expect that same sort of freedom in their parents' house. Or worse, they get into trouble on campus and they are hundreds of miles away...

I realize that all kids are different. But don't assume that college kid = easy. It doesn't.

There are easy kids that go to college and there are easy kids who stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you clearly want your child to move out quick, fast and in a hurry. With 16 year old right behind. Is this 20 year old in college?

She never went to college but thinks as long as she works education doesn't matter.

You need to worry about her not being in college than a curfew.

If she has chosen to work instead of getting a degree then is she staying out late because she is working? If so, I don't think it would be right to try to restrict her ability to earn an income and gain job experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 20 and I've posted here before (with similar hard core backlash for doing so). I find it funny that so many think that once a kid turns 20 they all of a sudden are completely self sufficient and independent. I just assume most of these folks have kids who are like 6 years old who think they are such amazing parents that their kids will all be brilliant college students living away from home with no issues at all. None of them will ever have challenging situations and their teens will be amazing and perfect. When your kids are young it's very easy to judge how you will feel when your kids are 18-20.

in my case, my daughter has an illness which makes her situation a bit unique (she's unable to be completely independent). I never saw that life hiccup coming and never thought I'd be where I am today, looking for help raising a young adult with challenges.

What I can tell you is that on this board, you won't get much support. You'll get berated for "hovering". Regardless of the situation. Because in "internet land", everyone's 20 year olds are perfect and living as independent young adults.

That said, you don't say whether your child (yes, she is still your child even though she's 20) has any unique situation to consider.

At 20, living at home is challenging for a parent. The child is too old to have a curfew, but there should be (in my opinion) a level of respect there (i.e., if the kid goes out they should at least send a text saying they are not coming home....not just stay out all night leaving worried parents up all night when the clock strikes 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am....). That's the challenge I'm currently facing with my daughter. I thought about posting about it but I know the responses would be "if she was living away at college you would never know she didn't come home...stop hovering", etc. (my response would be that if my daughter was living away at school and went to a party and never came home, I'd hope her roommate would be worried too...).

The point I'm trying to make is that raising kids in the immediate post high school years is very hard, especially when your kid (for whatever reason) is not away at college. And there's not a lot of help out there for you. Definitely not here, that's for sure.

In your case, your post (to me) sounds like you are possibly not from the YS ((you remind me of a few friends of mine who come from countries where kids are raised very differently). If that's the case I'm not sure you're going to find the support you are looking for here.

If it's not the case, and your kid does not have any special circumstances that make your (and her) situation unique, I wonder what has gone on in your life that makes you feel so afraid and worried about your daughter.

Creepy. I have four adult kids. So no. I'm not the Mom of a six year old. My kids are grown and out of the house exactly because we fostered independence. Your situation is unique if your daughter is special needs. No normal 20 year old adult has a curfew. FFS, I had my first child at 22. If a typically developing kid isn't able to adult at 20, it's a massive parent fail.

[Anonymous]

Just why?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't impose an 8 o'clock curfew on a child over the age of 10. Is it 5:00 in the winter, when it gets dark early?

[Anonymous]

She meant a.m. ...8am

[Anonymous]

What kind of a loser doesn't go to college?

[Anonymous]

This may not be a troll. I'm 40, and lived with my mom when I was 19. My curfew was 8 pm. She didn't want the neighbors to think I was a "bad girl" if they saw me coming home later than that. She's old school. That was the reason I got married at 19, so i could move out, because I couldn't move out and live with a boyfriend until we were married. We ended up divorced, but still on good terms. She is very religious and a worry wart. To this day,if I don't call her every other day, she is afraid I'm "laying dead in a ditch somewhere". She loves me and is a great mom, and I love her to death and just try to be understanding of her feelings. I'm now raising a 2 year old and 5 year old, and I relate more with her feelings now. I don't really care what people think, like she did, but I'm pretty protective about my kids.

[Anonymous]

This may not be a troll. I'm 40, and lived with my mom when I was 19. My curfew was 8 pm. She didn't want the neighbors to think I was a "bad girl" if they saw me coming home later than that. She's old school. That was the reason I got married at 19, so i could move out, because I couldn't move out and live with a boyfriend until we were married. We ended up divorced, but still on good terms. She is very religious and a worry wart. To this day,if I don't call her every other day, she is afraid I'm "laying dead in a ditch somewhere". She loves me and is a great mom, and I love her to death and just try to be understanding of her feelings. I'm now raising a 2 year old and 5 year old, and I relate more with her feelings now. I don't really care what people think, like she did, but I'm pretty protective about my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What kind of a loser doesn't go to college?

Are you being sarcastic. Most people don't have college degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What kind of a loser doesn't go to college?

What kind of loser makes a comment like this? I could name many very successful people who didn't go to college, but somehow I'm guessing you aren't bright enough to understand that education does not equal intelligence. And, as is obvious by your comment, no amount of education makes up for a lack of class.

And yes. I did go to college.

[Anonymous]

When my DD was 20 and coming home to visit from college, she was given use of one of our cars if we didn't need it, and she had to tell us when she would be home. "I'm going to Emily's and then we may go to Jamie's and out to dinner. I should be home by 10 but will text if I'll be later." And then at 9:50 she'd text "Jamie invited me to sleep over. Back by noon." Stuff like that.

The entire female population does not have to be at home once the sun goes down every day. That gives the male population WAYYYYY too much power. Speaking of which, I think the majority of us are trying to raise boys to turn into men who would NEVER hurt a girl/woman whether the sun is up or down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my DD was 20 and coming home to visit from college, she was given use of one of our cars if we didn't need it, and she had to tell us when she would be home. "I'm going to Emily's and then we may go to Jamie's and out to dinner. I should be home by 10 but will text if I'll be later." And then at 9:50 she'd text "Jamie invited me to sleep over. Back by noon." Stuff like that.

The entire female population does not have to be at home once the sun goes down every day. That gives the male population WAYYYYY too much power. Speaking of which, I think the majority of us are trying to raise boys to turn into men who would NEVER hurt a girl/woman whether the sun is up or down.

+1 This is the way to do it.

[Anonymous]

These days everyone goes to college. It's not 1960 anymore.