Public school families: when will you tell other families that you're moving to private?

[Anonymous]

You can't spin it so it doesn't matter. The how you tell them, or when, or the words you use. Doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public that we have been at for years and have worked hard on, along with our neighbors. We've grown close to other families, served on committees, hung out on the weekends, etc. It's a great school in many ways, with many great families, but we are now thinking of moving to private. Our child was accepted to first choice school which offers a different approach not available at our public, and which we think will be a good fit for child.

My question is: when and how do you tell other public school families that you're leaving the school? Is right away best, end of the school year, etc? W/o outing ourselves, I think that a few families will be surprised, disappointed, maybe even angry at first. I'd love to tell them in person, but it seems that may be impractical (assuming words spread before we can speak with everyone we'd like to tell in person). Hoping for some folks who have BTDT.

You sound like an incredible A-hole, so I would let everyone know. It's the probably the first good news they've heard in a while. Don't let the door hit ya, where to good Lord split ya.

[Anonymous]

When we moved to private from public to Catholic schools, it was easy just to say we did it because we wanted our kids attend a school with Catholic values. That way they didn't feel insulted or anything...the school we picked obviously had something that would never be offered at any public school.

It worked out fine. I am still friends with the people who I would have hung out with even if we didn't have kids the same age. Grew apart from the other moms.

It'll be fine OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public that we have been at for years and have worked hard on, along with our neighbors. We've grown close to other families, served on committees, hung out on the weekends, etc. It's a great school in many ways, with many great families, but we are now thinking of moving to private. Our child was accepted to first choice school which offers a different approach not available at our public, and which we think will be a good fit for child.

My question is: when and how do you tell other public school families that you're leaving the school? Is right away best, end of the school year, etc? W/o outing ourselves, I think that a few families will be surprised, disappointed, maybe even angry at first. I'd love to tell them in person, but it seems that may be impractical (assuming words spread before we can speak with everyone we'd like to tell in person). Hoping for some folks who have BTDT.

You sound like an incredible A-hole, so I would let everyone know. It's the probably the first good news they've heard in a while. Don't let the door hit ya, where to good Lord split ya.

Ha! While I wouldn't have put it quite that way - generally the people who go to private from my school are the parents who complain the most and demand the most for their child. And yes, they usually are heavily involved because they are very focused on their precious child having the best experience. So, generally, I'm happy. They free up a lot of resources - teacher time, less stress for the administration - and make it better for the rest of us! I don't ostracize - stay friends if I was already. And there are some who the kid really needed it. But, if you are thinking about it this much it sounds like you want a fuss made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public that we have been at for years and have worked hard on, along with our neighbors. We've grown close to other families, served on committees, hung out on the weekends, etc. It's a great school in many ways, with many great families, but we are now thinking of moving to private. Our child was accepted to first choice school which offers a different approach not available at our public, and which we think will be a good fit for child.

My question is: when and how do you tell other public school families that you're leaving the school? Is right away best, end of the school year, etc? W/o outing ourselves, I think that a few families will be surprised, disappointed, maybe even angry at first. I'd love to tell them in person,

but it seems that may be impractical (assuming words spread before we can speak with everyone we'd like to tell in person). Hoping for some folks who have BTDT.

You should invite everyone over and have drinks and snacks. Prepare a slide show of DCs years at the public school and with friends. At the end of the slide show, have a talk prepared to let everyone know and thank them for supporting DC. That way people can comfort each other, deal with the shock. Offer to speak privately with anyone who needs time to digest and accept the decision to change schools. The children should be told by the parents as they see fit. It would be nice to create some gift bags with photos of DC and some treats for the kids. It would be best to do it on a Friday or Saturday, so the families can have some time to accept the reality of life without DC. In the last few weeks of school, be proud but not smug, empathetic but not apologetic. People will envy you in more ways than ever. Quietly bask in the afterglow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public that we have been at for years and have worked hard on, along with our neighbors. We've grown close to other families, served on committees, hung out on the weekends, etc. It's a great school in many ways, with many great families, but we are now thinking of moving to private. Our child was accepted to first choice school which offers a different approach not available at our public, and which we think will be a good fit for child.

My question is: when and how do you tell other public school families that you're leaving the school? Is right away best, end of the school year, etc? W/o outing ourselves, I think that a few families will be surprised, disappointed, maybe even angry at first. I'd love to tell them in person,

but it seems that may be impractical (assuming words spread before we can speak with everyone we'd like to tell in person). Hoping for some folks who have BTDT.

You should invite everyone over and have drinks and snacks. Prepare a slide show of DCs years at the public school and with friends. At the end of the slide show, have a talk prepared to let everyone know and thank them for supporting DC. That way people can comfort each other, deal with the shock. Offer to speak privately with anyone who needs time to digest and accept the decision to change schools. The children should be told by the parents as they see fit. It would be nice to create some gift bags with photos of DC and some treats for the kids. It would be best to do it on a Friday or Saturday, so the families can have some time to accept the reality of life without DC. In the last few weeks of school, be proud but not smug, empathetic but not apologetic. People will envy you in more ways than ever. Quietly bask in the afterglow.

I need you in my life.

[Anonymous]

This is a first, are you people F'ing crazy? Do you know how crazy you sound? How can you tell people that the kid is going to another school? What would you do if you moved to another state? Would the Stepford Wives hunt you down? Will the Stepford Children of the Corn gang come after DC?

IMFAO, I can't believe this is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're correct that there are at least some people in your school community who will care--it sounds like you're at a school that parents are working to improve, and maybe is your IB/neighborhood school? If so, there is likely to be a little tension. It's unavoidable. We have friends who transferred to another coveted public from their neighborhood school after four years there working hard on building the PTA, and there were a lot of tough conversations with both other parents who were also putting that time in, and also with some of the teachers as they shared that they were leaving. I think you have a bit of a boost on them in that you're leaving for a very specific school environment, not just another "better" public. (Are you the person who is looking at language immersion? If so, that's a pretty clear distinction between where you are now and the new school; lean on that.) At the end of the day you have to go with what's best for your child, though. If it makes you feel better, I work for our public school district and am waiting on lottery results to decide whether to go public or private. I have only told a few people we even applied to private, because there's definitely a stigma associated with it. There's no easy answer. Good luck!

OP here. Wow, you're pretty accurate in your above assumptions re: type of public school we're at, and the specific reason we're leaving. Didn't realize I was that transparent! We actually haven't told a soul at current school; only teacher knows since we asked for letter of rec.

OP again. Meant to say, thanks for your thoughts. I think we'll definitely mention the distinction between the old and new schools as the main factor in our decision. Our kid is actually happy and doing well at current school; it's really just about the different, very specific curriculum at the new school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our situation is a little different because we have stayed in public through middle school and have moved kids to private for HS. But, like you, I've been on the executive committee of the PTAs at MS and ES and was asked to take key roles in HS PTA when our 1st DC was applying out. I was careful not to make the eye-rolling (and frankly not very kind) comments that the PP above mentioned that we were moving for something better, but focused on our DCs needing something different (i.e., single sex, smaller classes, immersion, whatever that is for you). I have friends who moved in early elementary and I think you will find that your real friends won't care and will understand that you may want something different for your DC and that does not diminish the local public schools. For anyone else, don't give it a second thought and move on from that friendship. I would go ahead and just casually mention now because I do think it is a little weird when people keep it "secret" until the end of the year. You can still care about your local ES even if you know you are leaving and still be involved through the end of the school year.

OP here. Thanks for your perspective and these recommendations. I think we'll take the suggestion to tell people sooner than the end of the year. There are a couple of families we're especially close friends with and have worked closely with on school stuff, and I think they'll be pretty shocked that we've been applying to privates, but I think (hope) it'll be okay eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public that we have been at for years and have worked hard on, along with our neighbors. We've grown close to other families, served on committees, hung out on the weekends, etc. It's a great school in many ways, with many great families, but we are now thinking of moving to private. Our child was accepted to first choice school which offers a different approach not available at our public, and which we think will be a good fit for child.

My question is: when and how do you tell other public school families that you're leaving the school? Is right away best, end of the school year, etc? W/o outing ourselves, I think that a few families will be surprised, disappointed, maybe even angry at first. I'd love to tell them in person,

but it seems that may be impractical (assuming words spread before we can speak with everyone we'd like to tell in person). Hoping for some folks who have BTDT.

You should invite everyone over and have drinks and snacks. Prepare a slide show of DCs years at the public school and with friends. At the end of the slide show, have a talk prepared to let everyone know and thank them for supporting DC. That way people can comfort each other, deal with the shock. Offer to speak privately with anyone who needs time to digest and accept the decision to change schools. The children should be told by the parents as they see fit. It would be nice to create some gift bags with photos of DC and some treats for the kids. It would be best to do it on a Friday or Saturday, so the families can have some time to accept the reality of life without DC. In the last few weeks of school, be proud but not smug, empathetic but not apologetic. People will envy you in more ways than ever. Quietly bask in the afterglow.

OP here. While I was annoyed when I first read this, I have to grudgingly admit that it's actually pretty good.

I understand why my OP would seem like naval-gazing and self-centeredness in the extreme--like we're expecting the school community to be reeling from one measly family leaving. So no, as I said in an earlier follow-up, it's really only a few families that will care. However, w/o revealing too much--this is a public school that is probably unlike many that folks in the private forum have any experience with. And we've worked hard behind the scenes, led tours for interested families, have advocated for more resources, etc. Because we've been so public-facing re: the school, I don't want it to reflect badly on the school now that we're leaving, since again, it's not that we're dissatisfied with the public; we just think the private's curriculum would be a good fit for our kid.

And as for trying to manage everyone's reactions, I'll have to let go of that and accept that some people will be pissed and some will be surprised, and most won't care that much. And, importantly, we can still advocate for the school as members of the community even if we don't have a kid who attends next year.

Thanks to all the helpful PPs--and the funny ones!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public that we have been at for years and have worked hard on, along with our neighbors. We've grown close to other families, served on committees, hung out on the weekends, etc. It's a great school in many ways, with many great families, but we are now thinking of moving to private. Our child was accepted to first choice school which offers a different approach not available at our public, and which we think will be a good fit for child.

My question is: when and how do you tell other public school families that you're leaving the school? Is right away best, end of the school year, etc? W/o outing ourselves, I think that a few families will be surprised, disappointed, maybe even angry at first. I'd love to tell them in person,

but it seems that may be impractical (assuming words spread before we can speak with everyone we'd like to tell in person). Hoping for some folks who have BTDT.

You should invite everyone over and have drinks and snacks. Prepare a slide show of DCs years at the public school and with friends. At the end of the slide show, have a talk prepared to let everyone know and thank them for supporting DC. That way people can comfort each other, deal with the shock. Offer to speak privately with anyone who needs time to digest and accept the decision to change schools. The children should be told by the parents as they see fit. It would be nice to create some gift bags with photos of DC and some treats for the kids. It would be best to do it on a Friday or Saturday, so the families can have some time to accept the reality of life without DC. In the last few weeks of school, be proud but not smug, empathetic but not apologetic. People will envy you in more ways than ever. Quietly bask in the afterglow.

OP here. While I was annoyed when I first read this, I have to grudgingly admit that it's actually pretty good.

I understand why my OP would seem like naval-gazing and self-centeredness in the extreme--like we're expecting the school community to be reeling from one measly family leaving. So no, as I said in an earlier follow-up, it's really only a few families that will care. However, w/o revealing too much--this is a public school that is probably unlike many that folks in the private forum have any experience with. And we've worked hard behind the scenes, led tours for interested families, have advocated for more resources, etc. Because we've been so public-facing re: the school, I don't want it to reflect badly on the school now that we're leaving, since again, it's not that we're dissatisfied with the public; we just think the private's curriculum would be a good fit for our kid.

And as for trying to manage everyone's reactions, I'll have to let go of that and accept that some people will be pissed and some will be surprised, and most won't care that much. And, importantly, we can still advocate for the school as members of the community even if we don't have a kid who attends next year.

Thanks to all the helpful PPs--and the funny ones!

PP here. Thanks for having a sense of humor. You'll be ok, good luck at the new school. You will be missed.

[Anonymous]

Another PP here--and yes, I got from your first post the type of school you were talking about, because it's just like our neighborhood school. And I feel pretty confident saying there's no threat of any Stepford wives coming after you there! There is a threat--a very real one--that you are not the only family shopping, and that some families that stay are going to be frustrated when you leave. Because the reality is that it is probably a push just to get neighborhood families to rank the school in the lottery (or choose it, or whatever), and then to get them to try it out when they end up stuck there even though they didn't list it. When they do come and stay for a few years and are part of helping to build the school's community and fundraise and get the word out, and then they leave--yes, people do care, even if it's just the small group of other parents who also show up for the PTA meetings. That doesn't mean at all that you shouldn't leave if that's what the right thing for your child is--but it's definitely not crazy to be considering how it will feel for those who choose to stay, since it's a tough (and draining) road, and they may well have been counting on having you along for the ride. One thing to note: if you do end up going to the new school, share the news with the school as soon as you confirm, so that they have time to fill your spot for next year. If it's not an in-demand school, they may need to work with your district to make sure there's a student in that seat if they were including your DC in their count of returning students.

I'd also consider trying to continue to contribute (time, money, getting the word out, whatever) to your old school--I suspect they need the help more than the new school does. Good luck with the decision--it will all work out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we moved to private from public to Catholic schools, it was easy just to say we did it because we wanted our kids attend a school with Catholic values. That way they didn't feel insulted or anything...the school we picked obviously had something that would never be offered at any public school.

It worked out fine. I am still friends with the people who I would have hung out with even if we didn't have kids the same age. Grew apart from the other moms.

It'll be fine OP.

This is exactly what we did. Of course, there were some other underlying reason for the move. However, we have not shared this with anybody. My child has remained friends with the three close friends that she had when she was in public ES.

[Anonymous]

Hi there OP - I am a mom who chaired events at public school and also moving kid to private. Not telling until end of year as kids and parents will want to hang out less before then. My kid already told friends about apportion and they are hanging out with kid less . (Early-mid elementary.) it's human nature to protect yourself from the hurt of a friend leaving by spending time with them less -- so from kids perspective I get it. Have asked kid not to talk about next school yet until end of year.

I am also expecting anger from people (there is this "sell out" type of hostility from a vocal minority of the true public
school die hards)..... But I've already been through it with older kid that i pulled out....

My advice:
-- they are neighbors so just tell them when ready but do t be defensive or Seek their approval --- just tell them and each child is different

- they may be angry because they can't afford private school and so are more jealous than angry --- it really is t fair that quality of education should hinge on a. Family's wealth (it is hard to get financial aid!)

-- if they are angry at you for sending your kids to private school then they were never real friends to begin with -- seriously, why should they care? You've just saved yourself from wasted time with false friendships

-- lastly, just own yoUr decision -- you may feel guilty for leaving the public school (I know I do!) and miss the local community /friendships - harness this by participating in the silent auction next year - staying in touch with the community.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Btdt. Got some unexpected anger from a close friend. (It is very strange anyone would care. But they do.) advice above to not be defensive or justify decision is perfect. I tried for a bland comment and then changed the subject and gave it time. Still friends but remember being thrown by anger.