I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like your ex being a total dick. You need to lay this our to your son 100%. Explain all the finances and explain what his dad is doing and what retirement savings and planning is all about. Your son will see right through his dad. Worst case scenario, you continue paying your 45% of the college bill junior and senior year and your son has to take out an additional 70k in loans. He should know all of this NOW so that he can make an educated decision about which college to attend knowing that Dickhead Dad is playing money games with mom. Maybe there is a cheaper state school he could attend, thus lowering his potential loan amount if Dickhead Dad won't pay junior and senior year.

How is the ex being a dick? He is required to pay child support till age 21. Nothing more is obligated. Mom and child are choosing a $70,000 a year school that neither child can afford. Mom is not saying if Dad can afford it given they have about equal incomes from her cost share amount. Maybe he remarried and has more kids. Maybe he lost everything in the divorce and between child support and his living expenses he has nothing left each month. Child needs to go to a $30,000 a year school and then mom has enough to pay for it for 4 years. Then, he can go to a state graduate school and split it three ways with child and each parent. He should not be required to pay child support and college at the same time. One or the other.

The dad is still a dick if he believes his obligations end at 21. Legally, sure, they do, but this dad does not seem to have ANY problem with a 70k/yr school, he is just trying to make mom sacrifice her retirement to pay for grad school too. Why should kid go to a 30k year school and ONLY the mom pay for the 4 years? The dad's income is going to be counted against the kid in FA, but only the mom is supposed to pony up by your logic? You must be a dickhead dad with a second family to support so you advocate leaving your first family out to dry.

Actually, its very reasonable given most child support ends at 18, when legally a parents obligation ends. Dad should pay either child support or help with college. If mom cannot afford college costs and they have a similar income, how do you think Dad can afford it. Dad has no obligation to pay for a $70K school that mom and child choose. He should take care of all his family, including if he remarried. Dad's income will not be counted. My husband was paying child support and they didn't ask for his or even know Dad was involved. The kid should go to a 30K a year school as that is what his parents can afford. Mom is the unreasonable one and hasn't thought this through. Its easier to throw Dad under the bus vs. be a responsible parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like your ex being a total dick. You need to lay this our to your son 100%. Explain all the finances and explain what his dad is doing and what retirement savings and planning is all about. Your son will see right through his dad. Worst case scenario, you continue paying your 45% of the college bill junior and senior year and your son has to take out an additional 70k in loans. He should know all of this NOW so that he can make an educated decision about which college to attend knowing that Dickhead Dad is playing money games with mom. Maybe there is a cheaper state school he could attend, thus lowering his potential loan amount if Dickhead Dad won't pay junior and senior year.

How is the ex being a dick? He is required to pay child support till age 21. Nothing more is obligated. Mom and child are choosing a $70,000 a year school that neither child can afford. Mom is not saying if Dad can afford it given they have about equal incomes from her cost share amount. Maybe he remarried and has more kids. Maybe he lost everything in the divorce and between child support and his living expenses he has nothing left each month. Child needs to go to a $30,000 a year school and then mom has enough to pay for it for 4 years. Then, he can go to a state graduate school and split it three ways with child and each parent. He should not be required to pay child support and college at the same time. One or the other.

The dad is still a dick if he believes his obligations end at 21. Legally, sure, they do, but this dad does not seem to have ANY problem with a 70k/yr school, he is just trying to make mom sacrifice her retirement to pay for grad school too. Why should kid go to a 30k year school and ONLY the mom pay for the 4 years? The dad's income is going to be counted against the kid in FA, but only the mom is supposed to pony up by your logic? You must be a dickhead dad with a second family to support so you advocate leaving your first family out to dry.

Actually, its very reasonable given most child support ends at 18, when legally a parents obligation ends. Dad should pay either child support or help with college. If mom cannot afford college costs and they have a similar income, how do you think Dad can afford it. Dad has no obligation to pay for a $70K school that mom and child choose. He should take care of all his family, including if he remarried. Dad's income will not be counted. My husband was paying child support and they didn't ask for his or even know Dad was involved. The kid should go to a 30K a year school as that is what his parents can afford. Mom is the unreasonable one and hasn't thought this through. Its easier to throw Dad under the bus vs. be a responsible parent.

Clearly you've never been on the receiving end of this sort of situation. Child needs xyz and child support doesn't cover it, but dad won't cough up a DIME over what's required so what happens - the mom sacrifices for the child while the dad continues on never doing above the minimum. Dad will retire well while the single mom will have crappy retirement savings.

[Anonymous]

I'm in med school and pretty much no ones parents are paying for it, nothing to feel bad about and certainly nothing so sacrifice your retirement over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like your ex being a total dick. You need to lay this our to your son 100%. Explain all the finances and explain what his dad is doing and what retirement savings and planning is all about. Your son will see right through his dad. Worst case scenario, you continue paying your 45% of the college bill junior and senior year and your son has to take out an additional 70k in loans. He should know all of this NOW so that he can make an educated decision about which college to attend knowing that Dickhead Dad is playing money games with mom. Maybe there is a cheaper state school he could attend, thus lowering his potential loan amount if Dickhead Dad won't pay junior and senior year.

How is the ex being a dick? He is required to pay child support till age 21. Nothing more is obligated. Mom and child are choosing a $70,000 a year school that neither child can afford. Mom is not saying if Dad can afford it given they have about equal incomes from her cost share amount. Maybe he remarried and has more kids. Maybe he lost everything in the divorce and between child support and his living expenses he has nothing left each month. Child needs to go to a $30,000 a year school and then mom has enough to pay for it for 4 years. Then, he can go to a state graduate school and split it three ways with child and each parent. He should not be required to pay child support and college at the same time. One or the other.

The dad is still a dick if he believes his obligations end at 21. Legally, sure, they do, but this dad does not seem to have ANY problem with a 70k/yr school, he is just trying to make mom sacrifice her retirement to pay for grad school too. Why should kid go to a 30k year school and ONLY the mom pay for the 4 years? The dad's income is going to be counted against the kid in FA, but only the mom is supposed to pony up by your logic? You must be a dickhead dad with a second family to support so you advocate leaving your first family out to dry.

Actually, its very reasonable given most child support ends at 18, when legally a parents obligation ends. Dad should pay either child support or help with college. If mom cannot afford college costs and they have a similar income, how do you think Dad can afford it. Dad has no obligation to pay for a $70K school that mom and child choose. He should take care of all his family, including if he remarried. Dad's income will not be counted. My husband was paying child support and they didn't ask for his or even know Dad was involved. The kid should go to a 30K a year school as that is what his parents can afford. Mom is the unreasonable one and hasn't thought this through. Its easier to throw Dad under the bus vs. be a responsible parent.

Clearly you've never been on the receiving end of this sort of situation. Child needs xyz and child support doesn't cover it, but dad won't cough up a DIME over what's required so what happens - the mom sacrifices for the child while the dad continues on never doing above the minimum. Dad will retire well while the single mom will have crappy retirement savings.

I get tired of the poor me, I'm a "single mom" which is deceiving as there are two parents financially supporting the kid so your relationship status is single but you are co-parenting. Child support is supposed to cover the NCP portion of the child's expenses. In less it is court ordered, no the NCP has no obligation and the CP needs to make it work. If you want Dad to do more, you might try being nice to him. There is usually more to every story.

Parents are not obligated to pay for college. OP and her child are not being reasonable with their finances. Very few parents I know could pay $70K a year for their child's college. We have told our children we want to help as much as possible but it will have to a state school or scholarships (we are not agreeing to loans). We simply cannot afford it. If you can, great, if you can't, then you need to help your child make more reasonable choices.

[Anonymous]

You're rather late, but start looking into 529s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in med school and pretty much no ones parents are paying for it, nothing to feel bad about and certainly nothing so sacrifice your retirement over.

Yeah seriously. I have a lot of doctors in my family and neighbors who are doctors and they are still paying back student loans decades later. It's nice if the parents can afford it, but certainly not the norm.

[Anonymous]

As been mentioned a number of times already:

Your son will need to be responsible for funding his own graduate school expenses. When I went to grad (professional) school, I had a combination of scholarships and loans. Most of my classmates were in the same position. Some did have parental contribution towards part (but not all) of the costs. Very, very few had full expenses covered by their parents. In medical, law, business school you will find most students are fully funding their education through loans with no parental help.

Your ex is, in his own way, a bit more realistic and generous by offering to partially fund graduate school in a way that would require your son to go to a cheaper school (in-state or lower ranked college with generous merit/fin-aid). As long as there is nothing wrong with the cheaper alternatives, this is probably the best long-term approach as it minimises loans for your son for his graduate education.

Look at it this way, if the differential between two college options is 35k, that works out to 140 over four years. 140k is a very generous down payment for a first property for your DS. 140k invested in the market when your DS is 21 and earmarked for his retirement when he's in his late 60s will pay itself multiple times over. 140k is also a major addition to your own retirement savings. 140k will cover the cost of a master's at an expensive private college, or the bulk of a law degree at a fancy private college.

If I were in your shoes I would be telling DS to go to a good in-state option (ideally we're talking of UVA, WM, College Park, etc) and the rest of the money is going to my retirement. If, ten years down the road when DS is 28, and I feel secure enough with my retirement funding, I'd offer to help out with buying a first property. But that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in med school and pretty much no ones parents are paying for it, nothing to feel bad about and certainly nothing so sacrifice your retirement over.

+1 same for Vet students. Same for most graduate students - Masters and PhD. I've taught college the past 4 years and get questions from my students about if going to grad school was worth the cost, how do they get their loans deferred, etc.

[Anonymous]

Well, of course child support is used for college. Your language sort of seems to suggest like you view it as your money and it's some sort of sacrifice to use it for college.

My attitude was I'd put my kids through undergraduate. They're on their own for graduate school. Professional degrees they can get loans for and repay easily. Other graduate school, they either get a fellowship or get their workplaces to pay or they don't really belong there.

[Anonymous]

First of all, no one is obligated to pay for their child's graduate school. Even well-off families most often have their children assume that expense through loans, scholarships, and/or work.

Second, your former spouse sounds like a punitive man. I would call his bluff, though, as I think he appears to love his son. Tell both your ex and your son that you cannot afford to contribute to medical school, then leave it up to dad to decide whether he wants to continue to contribute for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is he going to a $70,000 per year private school for undergrad if $ is an issue?

Agree insane. No matter me pays for their child's grad school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like your ex being a total dick. You need to lay this our to your son 100%. Explain all the finances and explain what his dad is doing and what retirement savings and planning is all about. Your son will see right through his dad. Worst case scenario, you continue paying your 45% of the college bill junior and senior year and your son has to take out an additional 70k in loans. He should know all of this NOW so that he can make an educated decision about which college to attend knowing that Dickhead Dad is playing money games with mom. Maybe there is a cheaper state school he could attend, thus lowering his potential loan amount if Dickhead Dad won't pay junior and senior year.

How is the ex being a dick? He is required to pay child support till age 21. Nothing more is obligated. Mom and child are choosing a $70,000 a year school that neither child can afford. Mom is not saying if Dad can afford it given they have about equal incomes from her cost share amount. Maybe he remarried and has more kids. Maybe he lost everything in the divorce and between child support and his living expenses he has nothing left each month. Child needs to go to a $30,000 a year school and then mom has enough to pay for it for 4 years. Then, he can go to a state graduate school and split it three ways with child and each parent. He should not be required to pay child support and college at the same time. One or the other.

The dad is still a dick if he believes his obligations end at 21. Legally, sure, they do, but this dad does not seem to have ANY problem with a 70k/yr school, he is just trying to make mom sacrifice her retirement to pay for grad school too. Why should kid go to a 30k year school and ONLY the mom pay for the 4 years? The dad's income is going to be counted against the kid in FA, but only the mom is supposed to pony up by your logic? You must be a dickhead dad with a second family to support so you advocate leaving your first family out to dry.

Actually, its very reasonable given most child support ends at 18, when legally a parents obligation ends. Dad should pay either child support or help with college. If mom cannot afford college costs and they have a similar income, how do you think Dad can afford it. Dad has no obligation to pay for a $70K school that mom and child choose. He should take care of all his family, including if he remarried. Dad's income will not be counted. My husband was paying child support and they didn't ask for his or even know Dad was involved. The kid should go to a 30K a year school as that is what his parents can afford. Mom is the unreasonable one and hasn't thought this through. Its easier to throw Dad under the bus vs. be a responsible parent.

Clearly you've never been on the receiving end of this sort of situation. Child needs xyz and child support doesn't cover it, but dad won't cough up a DIME over what's required so what happens - the mom sacrifices for the child while the dad continues on never doing above the minimum. Dad will retire well while the single mom will have crappy retirement savings.

Most in tact married couples can not afford to send their kids to 70K/year schools. That is a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

If you are "very behind on your retirement savings" THEN MONEY IS an issue. You might have a very secure job so you might think you don't need to worry about it, but it is an issue.

Since your salary based split is 55/45, how does your ex not also have retirement savings issues? Did he inherit?

My question is, does anyone know how being behind on retirement savings effects financial aid?

"I don't know if money is an issue. It's not an issue for college, meaning I have saved and I can absorb the college bill with the child support. But I am very behind on my retirement savings."

[Anonymous]

Maybe your son won't want to go to med school. Is that his dream? It sounds like it is your DH's dream but haven't heard much about whether that is what he wants.

[Anonymous]

So much great advice in this thread, but I'll just reiterate that plans change a lot in college. It's amazing how quickly the med school dream changes when the student is taking those first few science courses.