I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.

[Anonymous]

I don't have anyone to talk with.

My ex-husband and I are trying to figure out what to do with regard to my son's college. DC child support continues until age 21 thank goodness. So I intended on using the child support to help pay for the first 2 years of college (it is a private college that costs $70k a year). That of course means we are both contributing to my son's college -- I don't look at it like only I am paying. That's why they have the support order until age 21.

When my son turns 21, he will be just starting his junior year of college. From then on, I had proposed we split his college expenses based on our incomes.

All that is fine. But now his father is saying that should also apply for graduate school -- that he won't agree to pay for college (about 55%, since that is his share of our income) for junior or senior year unless I agree to pay 45% of college and graduate school.

My son wants to go to med school, and frankly, I cannot afford it. I literally only have about 2 times my gross income in retirement savings and I am 52. I absolutely need to save for retirement when college spending finishes.

My son's dad has enough to pay for college and graduate school alone. I understand it is not fair to think he should absorb that alone. But for my part, I simply think that whatever I do for graduate school needs to be a loan to my son. I cannot pay for graduate school without sacrificing my own retirement security.

Does that sound reasonable to you?

[Anonymous]

No. Your son can get loans and be responsible for himself.

[Anonymous]

It's not good for you or your son if you put his graduate school ahead of your retirement. I really think your ex is bluffing. If he is so invested in his child going to med school, there is no way he is going to refuse to pay for him to finish his undergraduate degree. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Your son should understand that your retirement comes first and that at some point he will have to be on his own. This is different from being selfish, like his father seems to be. If he doesn't understand these nuances, then now is the time to have this most important of talks.

My husband paid back some money his father had given him for private tutoring for med school (that's how it works in our home country), without being asked. He was the second oldest, knew his family had limited funds, and worried about taking money away from his younger siblings who might need funds as well.

[Anonymous]

Why is he going to a $70,000 per year private school for undergrad if $ is an issue?

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I think my ex feels that if I am not paying for something, I am somehow taking money from him (ie, if he is helping with graduate school and I am not, it's like I am freeloading off of his dad's support). Frankly, I am happy to give him all the glory for med school should my son go. I just can't do it.

I have had a decade of getting the same stinking child support and my ex trying to run up the bill (getting him tutors, books, signing him up for sports, etc and sending me the bill). Because in his mind, since his support was based on our incomes, the goal was to ensure I paid as much as possible for my son.

Anyway, it's over soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is he going to a $70,000 per year private school for undergrad if $ is an issue?

I don't know if money is an issue. It's not an issue for college, meaning I have saved and I can absorb the college bill with the child support. But I am very behind on my retirement savings. I want my son to have the school of his dreams. And when I am done paying, I have sufficient time (about a decade) to super save. But med school would make that impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is he going to a $70,000 per year private school for undergrad if $ is an issue?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he going to a $70,000 per year private school for undergrad if $ is an issue?

I don't know if money is an issue. It's not an issue for college, meaning I have saved and I can absorb the college bill with the child support. But I am very behind on my retirement savings. I want my son to have the school of his dreams. And when I am done paying, I have sufficient time (about a decade) to super save. But med school would make that impossible.

Then figure out where you need to compromise?

[Anonymous]

He needs to cover med school on his own. If his dad wants to contribute great. I paid for my own grad school. I am paying for my kids to go to expensive private colleges. I will/have given them each $50k for grad school. The rest is up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not good for you or your son if you put his graduate school ahead of your retirement. I really think your ex is bluffing. If he is so invested in his child going to med school, there is no way he is going to refuse to pay for him to finish his undergraduate degree. Stay strong.

Thanks. This made me feel better. We may never reach an agreement, so it may just have to be that I start paying for college and hope for the best in junior year.

[Anonymous]

21 sounds old to only be a junior in college. My kids graduated at 22. Oh, and paid plenty towards their own education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Your son can get loans and be responsible for himself.

He can also make a slew of choices that will make it more affordable. There are programs that would pay most if not all of his tuition should he decide that working on a Reservation for a number of years is worth the degree. He can choose the program that offers the most aid. He can take time off to make himself a stronger candidate or go into a less-popular program and field. He can also negotiate for himself with his dad. You've been damn lucky at getting him through undergrad. Congrats! Your job is done. I pray he's used his time to build a killer GPA and an impressive set of scores, knowing what the stakes are.

You are making the right decision in funding the hell out of your retirement fund. You have sacrificed in ways you've shared and, I imagine, a multitude of others. Take care of yourself. He can find his way to an MD without you. You cannot survive older age without a robust retirement fund. You've done an admirable job, Mom. Now, shift gears. He will eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and live with a pile of roommates for a few years. That's entirely okay. It is not okay to have this be your retirement plan.

[Anonymous]

You are choosing the $70,000 school for him. Dad should not pay for the first two years as that is what the child support is. Then, you should both pay $35,000 if you want to split it fairly. If you cannot afford it, then child needs to go to a much less expensive school. It sounds like Dad's income is not that much higher than yours so if you cannot pay, how do you expect him, especially if you have younger kids and he still has to pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think my ex feels that if I am not paying for something, I am somehow taking money from him (ie, if he is helping with graduate school and I am not, it's like I am freeloading off of his dad's support). Frankly, I am happy to give him all the glory for med school should my son go. I just can't do it.

I have had a decade of getting the same stinking child support and my ex trying to run up the bill (getting him tutors, books, signing him up for sports, etc and sending me the bill). Because in his mind, since his support was based on our incomes, the goal was to ensure I paid as much as possible for my son.

Anyway, it's over soon!

If you are getting child support, then that should cover everything in less it is ordered otherwise. If you get child support, you should be paying for sports, books and tutors.

Its not about the glory. You are getting child support and that should cover Dad's share. You and child choose the expensive school, so you find a way to pay for it. You have custody, not him. It is not reasonable to expect dad to pay child support and college expenses. When child support is over, 50/50.