Sexless marriage --> sexy marriage ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sensing here that most of the sexless marriages don't then morph back into a regular sexy marriage. Not often cured?

I believe that is correct, but it can be done with work. Here's our story:

Went sexless for over 2 years. Variety of reasons -- kids, life, distance, resentment, he used too much porn (more resentment), and then I had an emotional affair with a work colleague from overseas. Our marriage was in the tank. He caught on to my EA and we sat down, had it out and began some really hard work of healing. We went to a Retrouvaille weekend retreat. We both acknowledged we had deeply hurt the other. (I felt so incredibly rejected by his porn use, sometimes the same day we had sex. It made me feel ugly and worthless like I wasn't good enough.)

So you can see we had a ton of pain and resentment built up = emotional distance = sexless. I didn't need it, didn't really want it, and he didn't need it because he was getting off with his porn vixens.

As I said, we finally, at wits end, and with two successful kids in a loving home, laid it out bare on the table. We fix this or we go on our way. We set about fixing it. It has not been easy, or quick. We committed first to reconnecting in other ways -- walks after dinner, holding hands in church, movies, dinners out without the kids, nonsexual cuddle time in bed, etc.

We had frank discussions about sex. How he needed it. How I didn't. How I understood it was important to him. How emotional pain had been a barrier to it.

Slowly we began to grow closer together. We aren't anywhere near where we should be, or were when we were younger (now 52, married 19 years).

Last weekend we went away for two nights without the kids. We had a nice dinner out, and we made love at night and in the morning. Sparks? Honestly,l not really, but it did make us feel closer. Will sparks come back? At age 52, after 20 years and all of this? I don't know. But I want to be married to him. To me, there are a lot more important things than sex. I understand that to him, there aren't a lot more important things than sex, so we are working on it.

It is hard. You think it wouldn't be. When you are young, there are hot guys, you get tingles, and you fool around and it's all fun. This seems like so. much. work. now, but this is the marriage we have and recognize it's not the marriage we want. So it's on us to fix it. Fixing the sex is one piece of it.

PP, this is really great, and I hope my own DW reads it. The most important part is that both of you made a commitment to fixing it. My DW is not there yet. I am being patient but it is very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four years of a sexless marriage and finally took an AP. And I'm over the moon.
Feeling like a sexual being again has been very empowering and liberating.

How did you meet AP?

Through work when I travel. We are both married and don't want to blow up our families, just want to feel alive and sexual again.

I'm the PP who wants to have sex with her physical therapist. I'm jealous that you get to travel through work and have that escape. My job is the least sexy ever and I only ever come into contact with middle aged women. Maybe it's for the best, though. Better to not be tempted.

If you want to have sex with your physical therapist, at least switch physical therapists for the physical therapy, then go have sex with the first physical therapist--otherwise they could get into big professional trouble, and you wouldn't want to be the cause of that, would you?

Like I said, I'm not actually going to do it. I just want to get banged and he's currently the only man touching me, so I can't help feeling that way. I can help acting upon it.

I think this is healthy you can't transfer these fantasies to your spouse? Bang it out on him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it was a two-day weekend. We had sex at night, and the next morning. The second night we did not.

Back home, we have begun to schedule sex. For the past 2-3 months, it's been 1x/every 2 weeks, if we can. But I am one of those who hates the idea of our kids hearing us, so that's been another obstacle I need to get over. (Yes, I've seen the other thread about this.) Sex truly has never been great between us -- I almost never come that way. He goes down on me to make me get there, but that doesn't always work either, though he is plenty willing to do it, unlike some men here.

He would like 1x/week. Maybe we'll get there. As I said, this healing has been slow, but the alternative is breaking up our family and to me sex isn't anywhere worth that cost.

Have you tried introducing a vibrator into your sex life with your husband? That may help you more reliably orgasm which may enhance your interest in sex. Regardless, I admire the commitment you and your husband have to your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four years of a sexless marriage and finally took an AP. And I'm over the moon.
Feeling like a sexual being again has been very empowering and liberating.

How did you meet AP?

Through work when I travel. We are both married and don't want to blow up our families, just want to feel alive and sexual again.

I'm the PP who wants to have sex with her physical therapist. I'm jealous that you get to travel through work and have that escape. My job is the least sexy ever and I only ever come into contact with middle aged women. Maybe it's for the best, though. Better to not be tempted.

If you want to have sex with your physical therapist, at least switch physical therapists for the physical therapy, then go have sex with the first physical therapist--otherwise they could get into big professional trouble, and you wouldn't want to be the cause of that, would you?

Like I said, I'm not actually going to do it. I just want to get banged and he's currently the only man touching me, so I can't help feeling that way. I can help acting upon it.

I think this is healthy you can't transfer these fantasies to your spouse? Bang it out on him

No. His ball stench is rancid and I just want to be treated like a sexual being. I want to be desired. I don't think DH is capable of that. I don't want vanilla obligatory sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four years of a sexless marriage and finally took an AP. And I'm over the moon.
Feeling like a sexual being again has been very empowering and liberating.

Are you man or woman?

Woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four years of a sexless marriage and finally took an AP. And I'm over the moon.
Feeling like a sexual being again has been very empowering and liberating.

How did you meet AP?

Through work when I travel. We are both married and don't want to blow up our families, just want to feel alive and sexual again.

I'm the PP who wants to have sex with her physical therapist. I'm jealous that you get to travel through work and have that escape. My job is the least sexy ever and I only ever come into contact with middle aged women. Maybe it's for the best, though. Better to not be tempted.

If you want to have sex with your physical therapist, at least switch physical therapists for the physical therapy, then go have sex with the first physical therapist--otherwise they could get into big professional trouble, and you wouldn't want to be the cause of that, would you?

Like I said, I'm not actually going to do it. I just want to get banged and he's currently the only man touching me, so I can't help feeling that way. I can help acting upon it.

I think this is healthy you can't transfer these fantasies to your spouse? Bang it out on him

No. His ball stench is rancid and I just want to be treated like a sexual being. I want to be desired. I don't think DH is capable of that. I don't want vanilla obligatory sex.

Looks like you're stuck maturbating then no worries I do it everyday