Is it fair to expect sex to be part of a marriage or other long term relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A great sex life on a sustained basis is not possible without a great relationship.

In other words - first comes the relationship and then the sex. But later, they both feed each other.

In a marriage the sex and the great relationship need to go hand in hand, so that each is nourished and flourishing.

bingo.

marriage sucks = zero libido. that is where I am at. I feel repulsed. I feel exhausted. Spent. nothing.

Exactly. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say no, not when it becomes a kind of demand. Crucial to understanding consent is understanding that people's sexual urges may be different from yours- and if they don't want to have sex, you cannot try to coerce them into it.

I would say if you are in a relationship for the sole purpose of sex, or with that being a large part of it, then perhaps you need to rethink things.

Ok so if you are in a long-term relationship and your partner decides they don't want to have sex do you just accept that or do you try to solve the underlying cause.

Would you consider asking them to go to therapy coercion?

Is saying, "This isn't working for me; I don't know if I can stay in this relationship if sexual intimacy is not a part of it" considered coercion?

If you mean it, no. I would sooooooooo much much much rather see more posts on DCUM about people leaving someone because their sexual needs are that intense rather than trying to pressure (usually women) into having unwilling sex with them. It's so fucking regressive and sick. At least the other (lower libido) spouse has a chance of moving on to a healthy and understanding partner instead of being constantly pressured and having this messed up, traumatic sex life where they are essentially forced into sleeping with someone

Or the low drive/asexual person could clearly indicate their preferences beforehand so the avg/high drive person could make an informed decision.

[Anonymous]

in a healthy relationship it is fair to expect sex but not demanding.
Science does prove that the chemistry of brand new love does have a shelf life. Psychology Today reports that studies suggest the first rush of sexual passion can last 4 to 15 months. It’s not everlasting, what a shame.
personally a few months ago i was in this dilemma my husband always demanding instead of asking for sex but then on amazon i got the book:Creating Sexual Tension with Your Partner by Denise Mackenzie. it worked.
With the right mindset and some creativity, you can create a great post crush magnetism that me in the mood for sex keeping me there.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on how you set up your relationship. There is no one size fits all. That being said, most people do expect it and if you or your partner have a low sex drive or are into alternative lifestyles, that should be discussed and settled dupfront...and always open to negotiations.

[Anonymous]

Sex is absolutely expected, and if you don't intend to be sexual you need to put that up front.

It's like a job. People expect to get paid for work. You can certainly seek volunteers to work for free but it's super deceptive to post a job listing then spring it on people it will be unpaid. Same with a non-sexual relationship. Few people would sign up for it, but there are always some takers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A great sex life on a sustained basis is not possible without a great relationship.

In other words - first comes the relationship and then the sex. But later, they both feed each other.

In a marriage the sex and the great relationship need to go hand in hand, so that each is nourished and flourishing.

bingo.

marriage sucks = zero libido. that is where I am at. I feel repulsed. I feel exhausted. Spent. nothing.

So fix the marriage, open it, or end it.
These are the only possible outcomes, why delay?
Pick one now and go in that direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but not forever.

I agree: without sex, any marriage/LTR will not last.
Surely that is what you meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A great sex life on a sustained basis is not possible without a great relationship.

In other words - first comes the relationship and then the sex. But later, they both feed each other.

In a marriage the sex and the great relationship need to go hand in hand, so that each is nourished and flourishing.

bingo.

marriage sucks = zero libido. that is where I am at. I feel repulsed. I feel exhausted. Spent. nothing.

So fix the marriage, open it, or end it.
These are the only possible outcomes, why delay?
Pick one now and go in that direction.

Precisely. Why spend another day in this situation complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A great sex life on a sustained basis is not possible without a great relationship.

In other words - first comes the relationship and then the sex. But later, they both feed each other.

In a marriage the sex and the great relationship need to go hand in hand, so that each is nourished and flourishing.

bingo.

marriage sucks = zero libido. that is where I am at. I feel repulsed. I feel exhausted. Spent. nothing.

So fix the marriage, open it, or end it.
These are the only possible outcomes, why delay?
Pick one now and go in that direction.

Precisely. Why spend another day in this situation complaining?

I guess because as you spend more time in a marriage, the issues of children, finances, status etc gets more and more complex. People are not willing to rock the boat even in a sexless marriage because of the other benefits of being in that marriage. I think that people do a cost benefit analysis and then decide to continue in the marriage without the sex. There is no need to fix it in any way. The "no-sex" marriage is the "fixed" marriage for those people - misery, frustration and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say no, not when it becomes a kind of demand. Crucial to understanding consent is understanding that people's sexual urges may be different from yours- and if they don't want to have sex, you cannot try to coerce them into it.

I would say if you are in a relationship for the sole purpose of sex, or with that being a large part of it, then perhaps you need to rethink things.

Ok so if you are in a long-term relationship and your partner decides they don't want to have sex do you just accept that or do you try to solve the underlying cause.

Would you consider asking them to go to therapy coercion?

Is saying, "This isn't working for me; I don't know if I can stay in this relationship if sexual intimacy is not a part of it" considered coercion?

If you mean it, no. I would sooooooooo much much much rather see more posts on DCUM about people leaving someone because their sexual needs are that intense rather than trying to pressure (usually women) into having unwilling sex with them. It's so fucking regressive and sick. At least the other (lower libido) spouse has a chance of moving on to a healthy and understanding partner instead of being constantly pressured and having this messed up, traumatic sex life where they are essentially forced into sleeping with someone

Agree this couple is sexually incompatible and should not be married. But the main problem is this couple never should have been married in the first place.
So instead of more DCUM posts advising normal/high libido (men) to leave the low libido spouse (women), I would rather see more posts instructing low libidos to STOP FAKING a normal sex drive in the beginning of a relationship. Find another low libido to marry.

It's so fucking regressive and sick. At least the other (higher libido) spouse has a chance of moving on to a healthy and understanding partner instead of being constantly rejected and having this messed up, traumatic non-existent sex life where they are essentially forced into chastity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single woman in my 30s, I expect no, I REQUIRE sex in my relationship because I enjoy it. I'm dumping a guy with a low sex drive. I really think low libido people should be dating each other only because they understand each other's lack of intimacy and are content with that lifestyle.

Agree. The problem is when low libido people believe their libidos are average/acceptable.

In my case, marital sex is blah but it occurs 4 to 6 times a month. It's fine. If we weren't having sex at all, I would have been gone a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A great sex life on a sustained basis is not possible without a great relationship.

In other words - first comes the relationship and then the sex. But later, they both feed each other.

In a marriage the sex and the great relationship need to go hand in hand, so that each is nourished and flourishing.

bingo.

marriage sucks = zero libido. that is where I am at. I feel repulsed. I feel exhausted. Spent. nothing.

So fix the marriage, open it, or end it.
These are the only possible outcomes, why delay?
Pick one now and go in that direction.

Precisely. Why spend another day in this situation complaining?

I guess because as you spend more time in a marriage, the issues of children, finances, status etc gets more and more complex. People are not willing to rock the boat even in a sexless marriage because of the other benefits of being in that marriage. I think that people do a cost benefit analysis and then decide to continue in the marriage without the sex. There is no need to fix it in any way. The "no-sex" marriage is the "fixed" marriage for those people - misery, frustration and all.

Your psychobabble might sound plausible on paper. But "misery and frustration for all" is unsustainable. I assure you, observe any "no-sex" marriage for a few years and it will ALWAYS (eventually) come back to these 3: fix it, open it, end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. The answer is yes. This has got to be a troll post. The default position is sex. Seriously, are there people out there who think sex is optional in a relationship?

My husband thinks sex is about the frequency and kinds of sex HE likes. My likes are optional in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say no, not when it becomes a kind of demand. Crucial to understanding consent is understanding that people's sexual urges may be different from yours- and if they don't want to have sex, you cannot try to coerce them into it.

I would say if you are in a relationship for the sole purpose of sex, or with that being a large part of it, then perhaps you need to rethink things.

Ok so if you are in a long-term relationship and your partner decides they don't want to have sex do you just accept that or do you try to solve the underlying cause.

Would you consider asking them to go to therapy coercion?

Is saying, "This isn't working for me; I don't know if I can stay in this relationship if sexual intimacy is not a part of it" considered coercion?

If you mean it, no. I would sooooooooo much much much rather see more posts on DCUM about people leaving someone because their sexual needs are that intense rather than trying to pressure (usually women) into having unwilling sex with them. It's so fucking regressive and sick. At least the other (lower libido) spouse has a chance of moving on to a healthy and understanding partner instead of being constantly pressured and having this messed up, traumatic sex life where they are essentially forced into sleeping with someone

My husband much prefers me to not pressure him to have sex. If he's not in the mood, I drop it and take care of myself. Much better this way. Took me years to accept though.

[Anonymous]

Great sex and a great relationship go hand in hand. If your relationship is lousy, sex just becomes a physical act. That's OK but over time interest will wane. I've been married a very long time and we have a great relationship and a great sex life.....last night included!