Is it fair to expect sex to be part of a marriage or other long term relationship?

[Anonymous]

Is it fair if he has ED and refuses to go to the dr and get the little blue pill? I'm getting frustrated to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it fair if he has ED and refuses to go to the dr and get the little blue pill? I'm getting frustrated to say the least.

What is his reasoning? Is he in denial over having ED and taking medication would actually confirm it? Does ED medication cause other medical complications for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I see, you think you are cute.

The point is you can have any expectation that you want about how somebody feels about you, but you may very likely be disappointed. I am a higher libido spouse, I thought I "deserved" a robust sex life, I realized that I cannot make my spouse want me/want sex (believe me I tried). After a lot f therapy and decision making about whether I "deserve" the sex I expect vs the reality vs keeping my family in tact, I realized that I had to let go of the expectation of sex and focus on the positives in my marriage.

So we have a genuine celibate martyr in our midst. Because guess what: you DO deserve a robust sex life, as do all of us. Forgive my skepticism, but come back and update us in a year or 2, let us see how you are feeling about all those "positives in your marriage."

Maybe you are actually low libido? Because a normal or high libido person would not just "let it go" and focus on other things. A normal/high libido person would either decide the marriage is now open, or would divorce and find a compatible partner.

Time will tell.

PP you are quoting. I an no celibate martyr. I had an affair. I've had therapy. I almost left my DH. At some point, I had to make a choice; break up my family for a robust sex life, or keep my family intact. I have lived like this for years now. It is not easy, but the best path that I felt I could have chosen, with all of the facts laid out on the table. I have been through the ringer, I have come out on the other side. Do we all deserve the best in life? SURE? Do we all get it? NOPE. That was my point.

NP. Do you think of leaving when the kids are older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I see, you think you are cute.

The point is you can have any expectation that you want about how somebody feels about you, but you may very likely be disappointed. I am a higher libido spouse, I thought I "deserved" a robust sex life, I realized that I cannot make my spouse want me/want sex (believe me I tried). After a lot f therapy and decision making about whether I "deserve" the sex I expect vs the reality vs keeping my family in tact, I realized that I had to let go of the expectation of sex and focus on the positives in my marriage.

So we have a genuine celibate martyr in our midst. Because guess what: you DO deserve a robust sex life, as do all of us. Forgive my skepticism, but come back and update us in a year or 2, let us see how you are feeling about all those "positives in your marriage."

Maybe you are actually low libido? Because a normal or high libido person would not just "let it go" and focus on other things. A normal/high libido person would either decide the marriage is now open, or would divorce and find a compatible partner.

Time will tell.

PP you are quoting. I an no celibate martyr. I had an affair. I've had therapy. I almost left my DH. At some point, I had to make a choice; break up my family for a robust sex life, or keep my family intact. I have lived like this for years now. It is not easy, but the best path that I felt I could have chosen, with all of the facts laid out on the table. I have been through the ringer, I have come out on the other side. Do we all deserve the best in life? SURE? Do we all get it? NOPE. That was my point.

NP. Do you think of leaving when the kids are older?

I don't know. They are 8 and 6 now, it is quite a ways off. I take things one day at a time and try to be the best person I know how to be to my family and friends. Working on myself has helped me get through the pain and while I still have moments, I am glad to have made the choices I have thus far. I pretty much have everything I want except for a minimally satisfying sex life. I am just not willing to trade everything else for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it fair if he has ED and refuses to go to the dr and get the little blue pill? I'm getting frustrated to say the least.

No, definitely not fair. What reason did he give for refusing?
Let him know that due to his untreated ED, you've ordered a few toys from Amazon, ask him to use these during sex to ensure your enjoyment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I see, you think you are cute.

The point is you can have any expectation that you want about how somebody feels about you, but you may very likely be disappointed. I am a higher libido spouse, I thought I "deserved" a robust sex life, I realized that I cannot make my spouse want me/want sex (believe me I tried). After a lot f therapy and decision making about whether I "deserve" the sex I expect vs the reality vs keeping my family in tact, I realized that I had to let go of the expectation of sex and focus on the positives in my marriage.

So we have a genuine celibate martyr in our midst. Because guess what: you DO deserve a robust sex life, as do all of us. Forgive my skepticism, but come back and update us in a year or 2, let us see how you are feeling about all those "positives in your marriage."

Maybe you are actually low libido? Because a normal or high libido person would not just "let it go" and focus on other things. A normal/high libido person would either decide the marriage is now open, or would divorce and find a compatible partner.

Time will tell.

PP you are quoting. I an no celibate martyr. I had an affair. I've had therapy. I almost left my DH. At some point, I had to make a choice; break up my family for a robust sex life, or keep my family intact. I have lived like this for years now. It is not easy, but the best path that I felt I could have chosen, with all of the facts laid out on the table. I have been through the ringer, I have come out on the other side. Do we all deserve the best in life? SURE? Do we all get it? NOPE. That was my point.

NP. Do you think of leaving when the kids are older?

I don't know. They are 8 and 6 now, it is quite a ways off. I take things one day at a time and try to be the best person I know how to be to my family and friends. Working on myself has helped me get through the pain and while I still have moments, I am glad to have made the choices I have thus far. I pretty much have everything I want except for a minimally satisfying sex life. I am just not willing to trade everything else for that.

Why did you end the affair? No point in you struggling day by day. If spouse is not interested in sex, just inform him you are meeting that need outside the marriage. Everybody is happy.

[Anonymous]

Yes. The answer is yes. This has got to be a troll post. The default position is sex. Seriously, are there people out there who think sex is optional in a relationship?


My husband thinks sex is about the frequency and kinds of sex HE likes. My likes are optional in the marriage.

You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes. The answer is yes. This has got to be a troll post. The default position is sex. Seriously, are there people out there who think sex is optional in a relationship?

My husband thinks sex is about the frequency and kinds of sex HE likes. My likes are optional in the marriage.

You're not alone.

Tell him the frequency is zero until your "likes" are regularly prioritized

[Anonymous]

Yes. The answer is yes. This has got to be a troll post. The default position is sex. Seriously, are there people out there who think sex is optional in a relationship?

My husband thinks sex is about the frequency and kinds of sex HE likes. My likes are optional in the marriage.


You're not alone.

Tell him the frequency is zero until your "likes" are regularly prioritized

LOL - then you are the spouse not putting out, who needs to get with the program or let your spouse stray. Can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why did you end the affair? No point in you struggling day by day. If spouse is not interested in sex, just inform him you are meeting that need outside the marriage. Everybody is happy.

Then NOBODY is happy.

[Anonymous]

If you mutually agree, I guess it's fine. If you are hoping that is what the other person will accept, I would say that you need to discuss that before taking that step.

Most people do have that expectation. It would unquestionably be a deal breaker for me.