Getting divorced and need financial reboot. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

1,200 per month is $14,400 a year. You need a better lawyer PRONTO.

No, it's not enough.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not sure if getting a lawyer who will tell me that s/he can get me more child support is going to help me. I just figured that my lawyer is being honest when he says that he can't assure me that I'll get a lot more than $1,200/month -- he says I might, but I might not. The main reason being that courts base the proportion of time spent with each parent only on overnights, rather than on the total number of hours (so the afternoon hours during the school year and the non-camp weekdays during the summer that DS spends with me would be ignored). If we just go by overnights, then the time split is closer to 50/50 in our case. When I plug our salary numbers into the child support calculator with those time percentages, I get about $1,500/month. But the child support calcultor won't apply, because the combined income exceeds the $240K threshold. So my lawyer said that in such cases, the child support is based on meeting reasonable financial needs, and noone knows what some arbitrary judge might think is reasonable in our particular case. So I can see why the lawyer is being noncommital and is telling me that going to court is a risk, in that my legal fees may not result in a much more favorable settlement.

Even in a best-case scenario, though, I don't think child support will be high enough to allow me to add to my savings. And I'm guessing that, at best, I might get about $40K from my STBX's retirement contributions, and maybe a little extra from any other re-distribution of marital income. So I think I need to do something different, even if I get lucky and get more child support, so that I can save enough for retirement or for emergencies.

I have considered that, if worst comes to worst, and I can't find a way to increase my income enough or cut my costs enough to be able to afford to keep my current workload, then I would look for a f/t job, or take on a lot more work, so that I work f/t hours as a self-employed person. However, STBX has himself indicated that he thinks the current arrangement is best for DS (the aftercare at the school is not great). It also takes a lot off his plate, because I typically can take care of sick days, doctor visits, snow days and other days off school, arranging camps, taking care of school stuff, etc.

At any rate, for now I'm trying to think through all my options. My only ideas so far are looking for less costly rentals, perhaps sharing a place with another single mom, etc. Then again, if I further reduce my costs or manage to increase my p/t income, I assume I'll also get less child support if we go to court or my STBX bends on that front, and it will be a wash. So, maybe this just isn't doable, and something (either savings or my p/t set-up) will have to give.

[Anonymous]

Attorney here- not an divorce lawyer but I have helped a number of my friends with their divorces. As my husband says, I know enough to be very very dangerous:

I strongly encourage you to follow the advice on this thread. As was stated, you are in an equitable division jurisdiction. This means that you are entitled to about half of all assets acquired during marriage. You seem to think it is limited to cash or investments. No! Assume he bought a BMW during your marriage. He can keep it after the divorce but must give you about half the value.

Also, you seem to have a laser focus on child support (to which you are entitled). But given the disparity in your incomes, you have a great case for additional spousal support.

If your lawyer is not telling you this, you really need a new one.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not sure if getting a lawyer who will tell me that s/he can get me more child support is going to help me. I just figured that my lawyer is being honest when he says that he can't assure me that I'll get a lot more than $1,200/month -- he says I might, but I might not. The main reason being that courts base the proportion of time spent with each parent only on overnights, rather than on the total number of hours (so the afternoon hours during the school year and the non-camp weekdays during the summer that DS spends with me would be ignored). If we just go by overnights, then the time split is closer to 50/50 in our case. When I plug our salary numbers into the child support calculator with those time percentages, I get about $1,500/month. But the child support calcultor won't apply, because the combined income exceeds the $240K threshold. So my lawyer said that in such cases, the child support is based on meeting reasonable financial needs, and noone knows what some arbitrary judge might think is reasonable in our particular case. So I can see why the lawyer is being noncommital and is telling me that going to court is a risk, in that my legal fees may not result in a much more favorable settlement.

Even in a best-case scenario, though, I don't think child support will be high enough to allow me to add to my savings. And I'm guessing that, at best, I might get about $40K from my STBX's retirement contributions, and maybe a little extra from any other re-distribution of marital income. So I think I need to do something different, even if I get lucky and get more child support, so that I can save enough for retirement or for emergencies.

I have considered that, if worst comes to worst, and I can't find a way to increase my income enough or cut my costs enough to be able to afford to keep my current workload, then I would look for a f/t job, or take on a lot more work, so that I work f/t hours as a self-employed person. However, STBX has himself indicated that he thinks the current arrangement is best for DS (the aftercare at the school is not great). It also takes a lot off his plate, because I typically can take care of sick days, doctor visits, snow days and other days off school, arranging camps, taking care of school stuff, etc.

At any rate, for now I'm trying to think through all my options. My only ideas so far are looking for less costly rentals, perhaps sharing a place with another single mom, etc. Then again, if I further reduce my costs or manage to increase my p/t income, I assume I'll also get less child support if we go to court or my STBX bends on that front, and it will be a wash. So, maybe this just isn't doable, and something (either savings or my p/t set-up) will have to give.

[Anonymous]

You've been married less than ten years, and for someone in their late 40s have little saved in your own name. Obviously you need to earn more and spend less. The lack of savings at your income levels is pretty shocking. That is my tough love for you. You do have a retirement account and you have no debt, a great start.

You definitely need to work full time. Think about it, you are now running a two person household and you, as the main breadwinner need to be working full time. Do not let your ex convince you to stay part time for his convenience. You will never save for retirement that way!

The things I would want from the divorce settlement- a fair and reasonable amount of child support and share of his retirement. Next, given the income disparity, have him pay for college, private school, experience camps, travel sports, tutoring, etc.

[Anonymous]

The big take away is don't ever marry a broke man. I know it sounds crass but this is what happens. Don't make the same mistake in your second marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not sure if getting a lawyer who will tell me that s/he can get me more child support is going to help me. I just figured that my lawyer is being honest when he says that he can't assure me that I'll get a lot more than $1,200/month -- he says I might, but I might not. The main reason being that courts base the proportion of time spent with each parent only on overnights, rather than on the total number of hours (so the afternoon hours during the school year and the non-camp weekdays during the summer that DS spends with me would be ignored). If we just go by overnights, then the time split is closer to 50/50 in our case. When I plug our salary numbers into the child support calculator with those time percentages, I get about $1,500/month. But the child support calcultor won't apply, because the combined income exceeds the $240K threshold. So my lawyer said that in such cases, the child support is based on meeting reasonable financial needs, and noone knows what some arbitrary judge might think is reasonable in our particular case. So I can see why the lawyer is being noncommital and is telling me that going to court is a risk, in that my legal fees may not result in a much more favorable settlement.

Even in a best-case scenario, though, I don't think child support will be high enough to allow me to add to my savings. And I'm guessing that, at best, I might get about $40K from my STBX's retirement contributions, and maybe a little extra from any other re-distribution of marital income. So I think I need to do something different, even if I get lucky and get more child support, so that I can save enough for retirement or for emergencies.

I have considered that, if worst comes to worst, and I can't find a way to increase my income enough or cut my costs enough to be able to afford to keep my current workload, then I would look for a f/t job, or take on a lot more work, so that I work f/t hours as a self-employed person. However, STBX has himself indicated that he thinks the current arrangement is best for DS (the aftercare at the school is not great). It also takes a lot off his plate, because I typically can take care of sick days, doctor visits, snow days and other days off school, arranging camps, taking care of school stuff, etc.

At any rate, for now I'm trying to think through all my options. My only ideas so far are looking for less costly rentals, perhaps sharing a place with another single mom, etc. Then again, if I further reduce my costs or manage to increase my p/t income, I assume I'll also get less child support if we go to court or my STBX bends on that front, and it will be a wash. So, maybe this just isn't doable, and something (either savings or my p/t set-up) will have to give.

OP, I am separated and in almost the exact same situation you are in, but with more in savings and my DH's income is at least double that of your DH, so the child support guidelines don't apply for us either. I work part time and handle 100% of backup care on sick and no-school days; 100% of finding and managing whatever nannies or sitters we need during before school and after school hours; 100% of medical, dental, haircut and other appointments. I research, choose, and handle logistics for all activities. I handle all school research, applications, lotteries, etc. Plan all birthday parties, playdates, etc. Buy most of the clothes, including those that end up at DH's apartment (he never sends anything back). I do all the volunteering expected at the kids' schools, attend all parent meetings, handle all teacher gifts, all thank you notes, all school forms, and a million other things. But DH and I split overnights 50%-50%, at least for now, so it's hard to predict what would happen in court. I am starting to think I might have to challenge the 50-50% split, although DH will fight that hard.

I would love to get together to share information and strategies, particularly if we both start meeting independently with other attorneys. Can I reach you offline somehow?

[Anonymous]

OP- I am an attorney (though not family) and work in Superior Court and I would assume that you will get more than $1200 a month. Obviously focus on getting as much as possible as well as college expenses help for your son.

But regardless, it seems to me that you do need to also focus on earning more. You are 20 years to retirement with very little saved. Even with the $40K you think you may get, you are far behind. Generating income would be my first priority. And in your later 40s, it is harder to get hired than it was in your 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attorney here- not an divorce lawyer but I have helped a number of my friends with their divorces. As my husband says, I know enough to be very very dangerous:

I strongly encourage you to follow the advice on this thread. As was stated, you are in an equitable division jurisdiction. This means that you are entitled to about half of all assets acquired during marriage. You seem to think it is limited to cash or investments. No! Assume he bought a BMW during your marriage. He can keep it after the divorce but must give you about half the value.

Also, you seem to have a laser focus on child support (to which you are entitled). But given the disparity in your incomes, you have a great case for additional spousal support.

If your lawyer is not telling you this, you really need a new one.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not sure if getting a lawyer who will tell me that s/he can get me more child support is going to help me. I just figured that my lawyer is being honest when he says that he can't assure me that I'll get a lot more than $1,200/month -- he says I might, but I might not. The main reason being that courts base the proportion of time spent with each parent only on overnights, rather than on the total number of hours (so the afternoon hours during the school year and the non-camp weekdays during the summer that DS spends with me would be ignored). If we just go by overnights, then the time split is closer to 50/50 in our case. When I plug our salary numbers into the child support calculator with those time percentages, I get about $1,500/month. But the child support calcultor won't apply, because the combined income exceeds the $240K threshold. So my lawyer said that in such cases, the child support is based on meeting reasonable financial needs, and noone knows what some arbitrary judge might think is reasonable in our particular case. So I can see why the lawyer is being noncommital and is telling me that going to court is a risk, in that my legal fees may not result in a much more favorable settlement.

Even in a best-case scenario, though, I don't think child support will be high enough to allow me to add to my savings. And I'm guessing that, at best, I might get about $40K from my STBX's retirement contributions, and maybe a little extra from any other re-distribution of marital income. So I think I need to do something different, even if I get lucky and get more child support, so that I can save enough for retirement or for emergencies.

I have considered that, if worst comes to worst, and I can't find a way to increase my income enough or cut my costs enough to be able to afford to keep my current workload, then I would look for a f/t job, or take on a lot more work, so that I work f/t hours as a self-employed person. However, STBX has himself indicated that he thinks the current arrangement is best for DS (the aftercare at the school is not great). It also takes a lot off his plate, because I typically can take care of sick days, doctor visits, snow days and other days off school, arranging camps, taking care of school stuff, etc.

At any rate, for now I'm trying to think through all my options. My only ideas so far are looking for less costly rentals, perhaps sharing a place with another single mom, etc. Then again, if I further reduce my costs or manage to increase my p/t income, I assume I'll also get less child support if we go to court or my STBX bends on that front, and it will be a wash. So, maybe this just isn't doable, and something (either savings or my p/t set-up) will have to give.

It doesn't sound to me like this couple spent their money on tangible items that can now be split. Sounds like it was spent on childcare and possibly frittered away. If there was a BMW that could be sold and the cash split, OP is smart enough to mention it. Child support is formulaic, it was a short term marriage, these people didn't save a lot. OP is not in a good situation, but blowing money on an over-aggressive litigation strategy is not the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Concentrate on getting remarried to an alpha male. It's really the most direct way out of your situation.

[Anonymous]

Your STBX is making 200K and you didn't save anything? Is he hiding some assets you don't know about? I think you need alimony. Mediation would be less expensive than going to court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Concentrate on getting remarried to an alpha male. It's really the most direct way out of your situation.

News flash: "Alpha males" don't want 40 year old single mom divorcees.

[Anonymous]

Also a lawyer, and not sure why folks are opining that OP should get alimony. She wasn't married all that long and she has a career - she has just chosen not to work for someone else and not to work full time. That's her choice, but her STBX doesn't need to fund it. He can look at what she would be earning if she was working full time for a employer (sounds like it should be more than what she makes now), and use that for calculating child support and looking at how alimony is applied.