Dealing with disappointment that your child doesn't want to do extracurricular activities or sports.

[Anonymous]

If she says she's bored give her some chores to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my kids are like yours.

For those saying they have to pick one thing... can you be more specific? Like is it good enough to pick a rec center class that meets once a week? Or taking once a week private instrument lessons?

What do you mean when you say "pick one thing."?

We said it had to satisfy a few parameters of the following parameters: build a skill, build leadership experience, has socialization benefits, (later) builds college "resume", provides exercise.

Non- sports that satisfied: Model UN, Lego club, scouts, theatre, band/orchestra/chorus, church youth group, science Olympiad..........


DC1 chose scouts, orchestra and church youth group
DC2 chose scouts, baseball umpiring, and church youth group

Others we know:
A: chose orchestra, scouts and fencing
B: band, student leadership, theatre
C: counts band, theatre, church youth group
D: band, sailing, scouts, church youth group
E: Orchestra, church youth group........

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm a tiger parent but I think kids should be made to do extra-curriculars. They are too young to know what they like and don't like and who knows you could be giving them a life long gift if they get skilled at something now? I do lots of things in my life that I don't want to, that's no excuse.

Maybe by junior year of high school they can decide to give everything up, but before that no way.(and top dollar says that they won't give it up at that point) my child's music teacher said that she made her kid take music lessons through high school as part of his education, after that he could decide what he wanted.

[Anonymous]

We never ever forced kids to do my extracurricular. There were laps when they didn't do anything. Or, like my older, jumped from one activity to another, but we never forced her to stick with one. age 4-7 she did gymnastics, 5-11 dances, mostly ballet, then added jazz, lyrical, hip-hop. Did one year of gymnastics again at the age of 10. Then completely switched to the synchronized swimming for 2 years. Now on varsity team cheerleading and track and fields.

I always believed it is a good idea to let them find out and explore their talents.

[Anonymous]

None optional you have to do some kind of physical activity for at least an hr 4 days per week. Exerciee is important, very important. Op teach your children to take care of their bodies, it's not about not liking it, it's about health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. For those who require their kids to pick an activity, what are your requirements for what counts as an acceptable choice? Girl scouts only meets once a month at our school, so would you require something weekly? More often?

What if they genuinely do seem to hate the activity?

Throughout elementary school and the first year of junior high my 12 year old has tried 4 or 5 different sports, community theater, an art class, the school Lego robotics club, and an introductory music class. She hated all of them. Most recently we made her finish her spring intramural sport because she made a commitment to the team, which she obviously and dramatically resented. She doesn't mind girl scouts, although she's not enthusiastic by any means.

I'm not sure I see the value in continuing to force her to spend her tI'm doing things she doesn't want to be doing, that just become a struggle between us. I always promised myself I would not be the parent who cared more about my child's activities than my child herself did - i.e. that it'd be theirs to own. But where's the balance?

The reason I would make a child that hates everything keep going is because what about their future? I would worry that once in college they will uld drop out. What if they hate their first job, or never get a first job. I have worked jobs I didn't like because that is life. I think it's important to teach children that. The kids who hate everything I fear would continue to hate everything 20 years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my kids are like yours.

For those saying they have to pick one thing... can you be more specific? Like is it good enough to pick a rec center class that meets once a week? Or taking once a week private instrument lessons?

What do you mean when you say "pick one thing."?

Absolutely. and if they begin to show an interest in something else as they get older they will still have some time. It isn't necessary to be a fanatic, but as long as they have an outlet with the opportunity to meet kids and develop interest.

[Anonymous]

agree with a PP that my kids are most excited about activities if they are doing them with a friend (for instance, DS picked doing soccer with his friends this fall vs. baseball which he likes better). If she doesn't want to do any activities, can you set up regular time for her with friends to get together. Maybe give her a 'season' off of activities but the result of course will be being more bored... which may then get her to think more about what she would like to do or try. Or try private lessons in things. (eg. I also at one point did physical therapy sessions for DS (same could be done with private trainer or one-on-one lessons) to work on coordination b/c he wasn't on par with peers in a couple things, which also sucks when you're a kid trying to do a sport - or other activity where it doesn't come naturally if she's that kind of kid.)

[Anonymous]

I am also cool with having a family rule about doing something.

My kid has increased couch potato activity as the years went on and sports got more intense.

Found out during that "excessive screen time" kid is writing essays and poems and book reviews.

DH and I decided this fall I would pursue an interest and kid will come. Individual sport kinda thing we can learn together.

I agree about:
tennis
fencing
swimming
yoga
ukelele lessons (easy to learn)
weekly dog walking at a shelter.

[Anonymous]

For those of you that require your kid to pick an activity, what age did you start that?

[Anonymous]

My point is more that she seems to hate everything. I've asked her what activity she might like to try and her answer is that they're all stupid and pointless. Not much to go on there. Argh, this age can be so frustrating sometimes!

Just don't indulge it. Ok, you hate all activities, that is fine, you still have to do one, so think about it and pick the one you hate the least.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs who say that you need to have your daughter do one activity of any sort (her choice). I've known friends and acquaintances who were the kids like yours...always bored, only solutions were solitary ones like computers or games. They ended up being the people who go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed, lather, rinse repeat. And on weekends, they don't do anything either. Life just passes them by. They wonder why they have no friends, can't make friends, and are bored as adults. Some are married, but most are single well into later years.

Do you want your child to be one of those types? Having an activity is more than just participating in that activity. It includes socialization, learning how to meet and cope with others, and how to join activities. Many people who don't participate in any activities in their youth, don't know how to get involved with other people, how to meet other people, how to interact with other people. They take a new job in a new city and they have no idea how to meet people or become active. Many of my friends like this say they never learned how to join activities or interact with other people. You learn by doing. Encourage your child to participate in some social activity whether sports, arts, crafts, participation, charity, etc so that they learn those social graces while young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she says she's bored give her some chores to do.

Chores don't require your kid to interact with other people and build their interpersonal skills. Chores don't teach your kid anything about follow through. Chores don't teach your kid anything about being part of a group. Chores don't teach your kid anything about winning and losing gracefully. Chores don't teach your kid very much about personal achievement or accomplishment. Chores don't set you up for bigger and better things. Kids miss out on a lot by not being involved in any extracurricular activities. There's a lot to learn in adolescence about how to be part of society, and participating in things is part of how you learn. Chores is fine to do, but not a substitute for being involved in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PPs who say that you need to have your daughter do one activity of any sort (her choice). I've known friends and acquaintances who were the kids like yours...always bored, only solutions were solitary ones like computers or games. They ended up being the people who go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed, lather, rinse repeat. And on weekends, they don't do anything either. Life just passes them by. They wonder why they have no friends, can't make friends, and are bored as adults. Some are married, but most are single well into later years.

Do you want your child to be one of those types? Having an activity is more than just participating in that activity. It includes socialization, learning how to meet and cope with others, and how to join activities. Many people who don't participate in any activities in their youth, don't know how to get involved with other people, how to meet other people, how to interact with other people. They take a new job in a new city and they have no idea how to meet people or become active. Many of my friends like this say they never learned how to join activities or interact with other people. You learn by doing. Encourage your child to participate in some social activity whether sports, arts, crafts, participation, charity, etc so that they learn those social graces while young.

I agree with some of what you've said, but I did want to point out there are plenty of people who are just born introverts and who much prefer living their lives this way - on their own terms - than being told they're "missing out" on something, or that "life is passing them by." My husband and I both skew introverted, as do two of our children. That's just how we are. We enjoy hanging out as a family, but are definitely homebodies. We may occasionally go out, but we much prefer staying in. We don't feel life is passing us by in the least - on the contrary, we feel we're living our lives the way we prefer, rather than forcing ourselves to go out all the time and be social.

None of that means we don't have social graces though - not by a long shot. But for us, a little socializing goes a long way. I guess my point is to just see what kind of child you have before foisting an activity or activities on them. Sometimes, as a PP's daughter said, these things really are pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not optional in our house. Kids have to pick one extracurricular and do it. Does not have to be a sport, DS chose Tae Kwon Do, DD chose girl scouts. Both are fine by me. But doing zero activities is not an option.

Same here. They have to do a sport/activity. When theybsaybtheyre bored they get to clean out closets.