DCUM husbands be honest, did you settle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it seems as if there are two schools of thought in order to give children the best possible start in life.

First, you should give the children good role models, a mother in love with the father (and vice versa)

and the second, keep the family together (if it isn't abusive) to give the kids a stable family, not hating is enough.

Not sure what camp I will ultimately fall in; I flip flop. I see benefits to both.

Currently I fall into the keep the family together for stability camp, but the love idea stings, because I can tell my children are cognizant to the problems their parents are having, and the lack of true love floating around. Is it better to show that we are working working working at it and won't give up? (Are they even aware that we are working so hard?) or is it better to just have a more relaxed homelife?

I think you might be confusing things. Finding your best match or being in love with someone doens't mean you'll not have to work at you relationship or you'll never disagree. Giving your children stability doesn't mean mom & dad never disagree.

But some people think it doesn't matter how parents feel about each other as long as they love the kids, and have food , and nice things. I'm here to say it does matter kids know when mom & dad don't love each other any more.

I think there is some merit to working through a relationships downside that's an important model.

At the same time the stress and tension of parents that don't get along or who don't really care for each other can stay with a kid for a life time , and they might be more likely to get into and stay in a bad relationship because it's what feels familiar to them.

Bolded: This may be true; who likes strife? I don't like disagreements, although I accept them as part of life, and we have some disagreements that I think we'll never work out. Working at it is really a given. Over and over and over again. But I find disagreements uncomfortable and difficult. I was better at disagreeing with my husband when I loved him more.

I think there are gradations along the caring for each other spectrum, the loving spectrum. Children shouldn't have to accept a less than relationship because it feels familiar. What a rotten thing to do to them. How much love is enough? Is not hating enough? do you have to be "in love" with your spouse, or is that an artificial construct? Is simply caring about him/her as a human being and as the parent of your children enough? is it somewhere in between?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is settling and realizing your fantasy may not happen. One is sad the other is maturity.

Dated a fantasy for a while - former model who loved sex anytime, anywhere. But she had major emotional issues and was full bipolar. I knew enough about my own emotional shortcomings to know that we weren't right for each other.

Married another fantasy after that. Former model who turned out to be an alcoholic with serious emotional issues. Recognized my own pattern and got out of that one (expensively).

Spent time (and therapy) dealing with my own issues and was lucky enough to meet DW who is smart, funny, kind, beautiful, sexy and wonderful. We share interests, and she's a fantastic partner, wife and mother. She's awesome and I'm lucky to have her.

(She's not as freaky as mistake #1, so, being a guy, I do occasionally wish DWs package included more libido and fewer inhibitions, but wouldn't trade.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

That's what all the 45-year-old singles spent their 20s and 30s saying. They wasted years waiting for a fairy tale that does not exist

Sure as hell exists for me. Got married at 24, decade later the spark is even spark-ier than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

They also don't know what it is like to have a mother in love with their father. It's sad you are giving them this model of a relationship. Men as paycheck.

I don't see this in her post at all. She has a husband who provides and gives her what she needs in life = peace and stability. There is nothing wrong in that, and the "in love" bit is bullsh*t anyway. Being "in love" which is a feeling and loving someone, which is an action, are two different things entirely. I will take the latter over the former over a lifetime. The former is just butterflies in the stomach and attraction that gets you to mate. The latter is what keeps you together for a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

They also don't know what it is like to have a mother in love with their father. It's sad you are giving them this model of a relationship. Men as paycheck.

A woman is happy with the guy she married, and she's grateful for what she has in life rather than being unhappy with not having some grander. And you find fault with her?

She doesn't love her husband. She doesn't love her kid's father. She's happy with a paycheck ( stability)/ The kids pick up on that unhealthy dynamic. I find fault with that.

Wow, that is a seriously fucked up way to read that post. Did you miss the part about emotional stability? About her DH being her rock? Sounds to me like she and her DH have created a solid, stable family. Which, by the way, is exactly what kids need. Not excitement and uncertainty. And it makes her happy too. Nothing wrong with that.

This does at least demonstrate how important it is to find a spouse whose goals match your own. Want excitement and spark? Find a partner who does. Want peace and stability? Find a partner who does. There are plenty of people out there to choose from.

[Anonymous]

Yes and its really sad because we are splitting up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying "I'd be happy with pretty much anyone as long as they don't have huge glaring flaws" must be interminably boring. Seriously, you need a one-in-a-million spark to make it worth spending your life with someone. If you don't feel that, then yeah, you settled.

Some of us who had less than perfect childhoods are just looking for financial and emotional stability for our kids. Boring = good. My husband is my rock and takes care of us all amazingly well. We are his number 1 priority. My kids don't know how good they have it - they've never known life any other way. I don't need a spark - I need peace and stability and love, and that's what I have and am so grateful for.

They also don't know what it is like to have a mother in love with their father. It's sad you are giving them this model of a relationship. Men as paycheck.

A woman is happy with the guy she married, and she's grateful for what she has in life rather than being unhappy with not having some grander. And you find fault with her?

She doesn't love her husband. She doesn't love her kid's father. She's happy with a paycheck ( stability)/ The kids pick up on that unhealthy dynamic. I find fault with that.

Wow, that is a seriously fucked up way to read that post. Did you miss the part about emotional stability? About her DH being her rock? Sounds to me like she and her DH have created a solid, stable family. Which, by the way, is exactly what kids need. Not excitement and uncertainty. And it makes her happy too. Nothing wrong with that.

This does at least demonstrate how important it is to find a spouse whose goals match your own. Want excitement and spark? Find a partner who does. Want peace and stability? Find a partner who does. There are plenty of people out there to choose from.

Want a one-in-a-million spark? Come up with your own plan to make it happen and show us how it's done. I simply kept running with an opportunity that came along who was not a platonic ideal, and I highly recommend doing it that way.

[Anonymous]

No, I was not settling when we got married. She was amazing. But, 10 years later, I am now settling for a fat, lazy, arrogant, ungrateful, and tyrannical DW. Not sure what the final straw will be -- but it is coming soon!