Reply to DCUM husbands be honest, did you settle?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So it seems as if there are two schools of thought in order to give children the best possible start in life.

First, you should give the children good role models, a mother in love with the father (and vice versa)

and the second, keep the family together (if it isn't abusive) to give the kids a stable family, not hating is enough.

Not sure what camp I will ultimately fall in; I flip flop. I see benefits to both.

Currently I fall into the keep the family together for stability camp, but the love idea stings, because I can tell my children are cognizant to the problems their parents are having, and the lack of true love floating around. Is it better to show that we are working working working at it and won't give up? (Are they even aware that we are working so hard?)  or is it better to just have a more relaxed homelife? [/quote]

[b]I think you might be confusing things. Finding your best match or being in love with someone doens't mean you'll not have to work at you relationship or you'll never disagree. Giving  your children stability doesn't mean mom & dad never disagree. 
[/b]
But some people think it doesn't matter how parents feel about  each other as long as they love the kids, and have food , and  nice things. I'm here to say it does matter kids know when mom & dad don't love each other any more.

I think there is some merit to working through a  relationships downside that's an important model.

At the same time the stress and tension of parents that don't get along or who don't really care for each other can stay with  a kid for a life time , and they might be more likely to get into  and stay in  a bad relationship because it's what feels familiar to them.[/quote]

Bolded:  This may be true; who likes strife? I don't like disagreements, although I accept them as part of life, and we have some disagreements that I think we'll never work out. Working at it is really a given. Over and over and over again. But I find disagreements uncomfortable and difficult. I was better at disagreeing with my husband when I loved him more.

I think there are gradations along the caring for each other spectrum, the loving spectrum. Children shouldn't have to accept a less than relationship because it feels familiar. What a rotten thing to do to them. How much love is enough? Is not hating enough? do you have to be "in love" with your spouse, or is that an artificial construct? Is simply caring about him/her as a human being and as the parent of your children enough? is it somewhere in between? [/quote]

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