Screaming, yelling husband

[Anonymous]

To PPs blaming it on OP - you know what? No matter how human you are, or how SBU'd you are, or how drunk/tired/stressed/ignorant you are --- there simply isn't an excuse for screaming at your kids. There really isn't. It's a form of abuse. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SBU = sperm build up

It's the male version of PMS. It's easy to address: empty the pipes.

I'm totally serious. My DH has SBU after 48 hours. Keep them serviced every 24 hours and you won't have a cranky DH.

#menareeasy

OP here. Not it. We fooled around yesterday. He's freaked out about $$$ and the messy house.

Can you do anything about the $$$ and messy house? I mean, I know women are always given a pass to "just vent" about their husbands, but if I (a woman) were "freaked out" about money and clutter, having my anxiety labeled "freaking out" and summarily dismissed would make me feel pretty screamy, too.

You don't sound like the most compassionate person about this. Maybe that's because you're stressed about the same issues? Or your own stuff? It's so easy to paint a certain picture on the internet, but these things do have a cause. And since they're happening repeatedly, part of the situation is you. You can claim victim status, and attempt to duck responsibility for your own involvement by blaming him, but think long and hard about whether or not he truly just "snaps" or if there's repeated behaviors that trigger it.

Of course, you may decide you don't care about what you're doing to contribute. That's also your right.

Good luck.

PP, I work hard on my own issues which include ADD. Medication, therapy, meditation, and more. One of our children has also been in therapy and on an anti-depressant. What just snapped for me tonight is that my husband always needs things his way, or he criticizes. This is a dumb example, but it's what triggered the yelling. He went grocery shopping - I offered, but he likes to go and says I spend too much money when I go. I was outside gardening when he returned, and I heard sounds near the trash like things being thrown or moved. I went over and he was furious that I had put the small, open recycling container upside down. I did this so that the rain wouldn't stick inside and attract mosquitoes. I tried to explain, but he just went off on a tirade and asked why I hadn't cleaned while he was gone. Well, we were supposed to clean as a family but after his outburst we just stopped talking and I cleaned while he worked and began dinner. I sent regrets to a former colleague's party at a sumptuous House with a rooftop deck for perfect viewing of the fireworks over the Washington Monument. Just a horrible time today and all I can think about is asking him to go stay at a colleague's house.

[Anonymous]

Op again or leaving him or - and J won't do this - but I have a lot of suicidal thoughts when things get this bad. I won't act on them, I push them away, but they are there. He was away on business travel recently and things were much more enjoyable. I realized I got up, got the kids off to Their activities, did my work...but when he's back it's like I can't even get out of bed. The contrast just really struck me today.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I think some people just miserable. Everything out of my DH mouth is negative these days. Went to mall today and the complaints were nonstop - traffic, parking, rude shoppers, slow service, it never seems to end. Yes all he said was true but I really don't want to focus on the negative 100% of the time. And yes, he probably has SBU, but if he is negative all the time I just want to be as far away from him as possible all the time. Not a good combo. But at least he wasn't insulting me personally. Your DH sounds a bit ocd.

[Anonymous]

And yes OP, I am a high functioning professional who thinks about suicide when these things happen. I would never seriously act on it but sometimes it just seems like such a huge task to try to satisfy someone fundamentally unhappy. And it does work so much better when he is gone. People in the house are laughing, schedules are more flexible, the house is quiet and there is no bitching. But I know divorce would not be like that - it would be twice as complicated. And it's not that I don't love him - just not so enamored of the complainer he seems to have become. Kids are almost to college - will stick it out until then but am really wondering what is next. The negativity is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

NP here. No answers, just commiseration, I'm afraid.

My husband is ADHD-inattentive although he refuses to get officially diagnosed. He gets anxious and depressed easily because of the ADHD. If enough external forces are at work – job is stressful, problems with kids keep coming up, financial stressors, extended family issues – he gets emotionally very brittle and can blow up at the drop of a hat. It is like being with a man-child.

When we were dating, engaged, first married and no kids, he had plenty of outlets to make sure he didn't get to that level of stress. Now we have three kids, 13, 9, and 4. All three are currently having some kind of issue, there is not much "me" time for either of us, much less "us" time. But I still don't see the need for the yelling and the screaming – which he even knows is wrong while he is doing it, but he can't control himself. What really takes the cake is that my 13 year old has gotten help for her anxiety, and he refuses to. It is getting harder and harder to explain to her why she could make that intuitive leap and he can't.

I borderline loathe him at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again or leaving him or - and J won't do this - but I have a lot of suicidal thoughts when things get this bad. I won't act on them, I push them away, but they are there. He was away on business travel recently and things were much more enjoyable. I realized I got up, got the kids off to Their activities, did my work...but when he's back it's like I can't even get out of bed. The contrast just really struck me today.

If someone causes you to have sucidal thoughts, why don't you leave? Why stay? Why are you afraid of leaving? Why do you feel trapped? You are not a prisoner. You live in a free country. You are an able body....you can work and be financially independent. How old are you? Have you ever had a job? Do you have a college degree? Have you ever lived on your own? Are you able to work even if it means taking a low paying job and downgrade your lifestyle. Fear will make you tolerate crap in your life, you shouldn't allow it. If you suffer from codependency you have to break free from that mindset. You don't need him to survive. All you need is a strong work ethic, strong will and a willingness to adapt and you can just about do anything. If your options are, stay with the man and have occasional suicidal thoughts or be single on not have to deal with him then why no leave for your peace of mind?

[Anonymous]

PP - can you kindly explain to DD that she needs help song she doesn't feel as frustrated as her dad does sometimes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:News flash: thinking of having sex with a mean, yelling man is disgusting to many women. Seriously - no bigger turnoff....

AGREED

PP with the husband who can't go more than 48 hours: Wow, does he ever have you well trained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again or leaving him or - and J won't do this - but I have a lot of suicidal thoughts when things get this bad. I won't act on them, I push them away, but they are there. He was away on business travel recently and things were much more enjoyable. I realized I got up, got the kids off to Their activities, did my work...but when he's back it's like I can't even get out of bed. The contrast just really struck me today.

If someone causes you to have sucidal thoughts,

, why don't you leave? Why stay? Why are you afraid of leaving? Why do you feel trapped? You are not a prisoner. You live in a free country. You are an able body....you can work and be financially independent. How old are you? Have you ever had a job? Do you have a college degree? Have you ever lived on your own? Are you able to work even if it means taking a low paying job and downgrade your lifestyle. Fear will make you tolerate crap in your life, you shouldn't allow it. If you suffer from codependency you have to break free from that mindset. You don't need him to survive. All you need is a strong work ethic, strong will and a willingness to adapt and you can just about do anything. If your options are, stay with the man and have occasional suicidal thoughts or be single on not have to deal with him then why no leave for your peace of mind?

OP again. Finally done cleaning!
I appreciate what you are saying, pp, but honestly, no one can force anyone else to feel a certain way

[Anonymous]

OP again - butterfingers!
I appreciate everyone reaching out. My therapist is away or I'd plan to see her. I think I feel so horrible because I do think he has legitimate gripes - but he's not handling it appropriately. We usually think the same things at the same time, so odds are he's upstairs having the same thoughts go through his head. He wants me to get my ADD under control. I am trying, but when he blows up like this, I find I lose even more focus. I can recall as a child knowing families where there were issues with money or house upkeep, but I don't think the husbands screamed at their wives. Years ago, it was really bad - he would wake me up to yell at me. I finally got him to stop that. Now he says I only do things if he yells. That's not completely accurate, but there is some truth to it. When the kids are not around, things are much better. If we didn't have kids, I would have left him years ago - during the scream at night period.

[Anonymous]

I could never stay with anyone that yelled, screamed, gave me anxiety and made me wish I were dead.

None of that is normal. NONE OF IT.

If you don't nip this shit OP, your kids will be nervous wrecks. It's decision time. I'm sure you know this.

Wait until the loud mouth goes to sleep then smother him with a plastic bag. Just kidding. No I'm not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never stay with anyone that yelled, screamed, gave me anxiety and made me wish I were dead.

None of that is normal. NONE OF IT.

If you don't nip this shit OP, your kids will be nervous wrecks. It's decision time. I'm sure you know this.

Wait until the loud mouth goes to sleep then smother him with a plastic bag. Just kidding. No I'm not.

Thank you. Yes, our eldest has anxiety issues and I believe they are directly related to our problems. He is fine at school, very social, kids and parents like him. OK, so before up and leaving, I'd like to really try counseling and see if we can't get him on an anti-anxiety R

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop playing on dcum, and go focus on your family.

Nobody likes to be cooped up on a rainy holiday. Your day might have been better had you created a diversion for your family. I'm guessing your husband had to watch the kids while you cleaned? I can understand why he might have lost it.

Newsflash: just because a person screams on occasion doesn't mean he's abusive. If he is sbusive, then the OP would know that (and we wouldn't since you can't label any guy who yells as abusive). And if the OP is tolerating an abusive situation, then she should figure out why that is and take action.

My two cents: OP is merely venting.

I really hope this response is sarcasm. Because there's no such thing as having to watch your own children. And while someone cleans for you, to boot.

[Anonymous]

...Rx. If anyone knows of a good couples therapist in NW DC or lower MoCo that either takes insurance or offers a sliding scale, please let me know. I know they are hard to find, so if you know of ANYONE that would be good, please post. A pp said it sounds like he has OCD, and yes, I suspect he does. So if the therapist was also well versed in OCD, ADD, anxiety and depression as well as couples work, that would be very helpful. I really don't want to have more days where I tell my kids that his behavior is not acceptable. When he got home from the store, he also freaked out at the kids because they were on screens, and because they didn't help him bring in the groceries. However, he never asked them too - or maybe they didn't hear him! He is constantly yelling at our sons and the teenager is frequently reduced to tears. It is really getting out of hand.