If you had a "bonus baby..."
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
not pp, but probably a family member. Grandchild, niece or nephew. I'm just guessing. |
Anonymous
| I'm the oldest child of parents who had a bonus baby almost 20 years younger than me. I won't bore you with our story since it's not encouraging, but please make sure you double-down with preparing financially for your and your children's futures. My parents went from having more than enough to being unable to retire in thei 70s because of bonus baby's rehab and failure to launch. It sounds like you're relatively young for this so I'm sure you'll be fine. |
Anonymous
That can happen with any child, not just bonus. For instance, if your child (God forbid) got cancer for instance and lost their job, would you not help? |
Anonymous
PP here. That's absolutely true, but my parents being older and pulled in more directions has absolutely made it more challenging. My parents have a strong work ethic and never complained about it, but they also fell it's the trap of thinking they were invincible and could work forever. Things became very tough when my father had a health issue that kept him from working for just shy of a year when the youngest sibling was still a complete dependent and not old enough that anyone could blame him for it or expect otherwise. It has had a huge negative impact on my parents' relationship with the middle sibling, who was just on the cusp of independence and was basically shoved out the door because they couldn't handle their other obligations. These things are not entirely unique to bonus baby situations, but there is an increased risk when you have another person and all the uncontrollable variables that come with that. When people plan to have the same end-result number of children, they have the opportunity to live in a way that leaves them better prepared to handle that. A lot of this is personality, though, so I don't share my story to scare OP. I only bring it up because the sooner you can prepare, the better, in my experience. I attribute a lot of the challenges my family faced to the vague idea that God would provide, so they didn't have to worry about anything. Even if you are religious, please use your God-given abilities. I wish OP the best of luck and firmly believe that if you want to make it work, you can and will. |
Anonymous
|
I guess this blurs the lines between "settled" families and those of us who had kids later in life.
At 50, I could have a 25 yo. Instead, I have a 12 and 8 yo. I have friends ask me all the time - How do you do it? do it? I don't know any differently. Or perhaps it's b/c some of my friends who have older kids never planned for retirement or saved for college. So they have to work into their late 60s while I can choose to work into my mid to late 60s. Health aside (b/c you really never know, right?), it's about how well you've maintained your finances. If, for example, my own parents were reckless, Mom wouldn't have had the finances to care for my ailing father at home. That was $65K/year just to secure 2 12-hour employees who alternated shifts. This doesn't factor in the thousands she spent on meds, diapers, and doctors' visits. This went on for 6 years until he finally died. So older parents who thought they were done but who ended up with bonus babies need financial security. Once you have kids, you have to stop being selfish. |
Anonymous
|
At 50 I did have a 25 year old. I also had two kids in elementary school. No one asked how I did it, because they could see we had no money, no property, bad health care, and low-paying jobs. They did ask how I managed to raise such smart, hardworking, nice kids, though. Maybe because I'm that way? But I'm in the category that you judge as "reckless" and "selfish" because we don't have savings and will work at our low-paying jobs until we drop dead. Like the majority of people in this country.
Yes, solid finances would be ideal. So would a system in this country that actually supports families, so that we hardworking, frugal people don't go into crushing debt for normal things like taking care of our elderly, our kids, and dealing with illness. |
Anonymous
We're frugal too. If we weren't we wouldn't be where we are today. not millionaires by any stretch of the imagination but . . . Children cost money. You're lucky that your kids are "smart, hardworking and nice." This isn't what I see each day in my job. Kids living in poverty with poor (or no) healthcare aren't always so lucky. Having a child by choice or not using protection when you know you don't have the means to raise the child is indeed selfish and reckless. I stand by what I say. Your success story is ONE story. you don't speak for everyone. |
Anonymous
| Our bonus baby was such an unexpected joy, we decided on another. We have two families now. People are surprised when I tell them "same husband" haha. |
Anonymous
In other words, rich people should pay more in taxes so you don't have to go into debt. |
Anonymous
| My MIL was 43 when my DH was born and already had an 18 and 14 YO. She calls my DH her mid-life crisis. I'm sure it was challenging but my DH has a great relationship with his siblings who were almost like aunts and uncles when he was growing up and gave him lots of attention. Today when the whole family gets together its fun because we represent every possible age group from preschooler to 80 year old. |
Anonymous
I had my two kids not much younger than you are now. If I found out 9 years after the last one that I was pregnant again that would have been very tough news and not an easy thing to adjust to, although I know that I would have adjusted and I would have loved that baby. But I also would have been 45+ and a pregnancy at that age would have been hard. You are only 39. So I think it depends on how you and your husband feel about it. If you are both ready and prepared to love and care for a newborn - go for it. |
Anonymous
| ^Just realized that you are already expecting an "oops" baby. Congratulations, Op! You are absolutely and quite obviously not too old for this. I think that having mixed emotions early on is very normal and expected. But once you feel that baby kick you'll know that this little one is meant to be and that your family would never have been complete without him or her. |
Anonymous
|
My sister had bonus baby at age 40 she had 10 and 12 year old boys. She actually had wanted another and tried for several years, but then gave up. A few years later came what they call their surprise "miracle" baby.
My niece is now 11 and no one can imagine life without her. She has been a true blessing to my sister and the whole family. She has softened my brother in law and nephews in a good way. She keeps her parents young at heart. |
Anonymous
|
My only word of advice to you is BE PATIENT. My godson is 6 years old. He was a total oopsie baby and a case of what happens in Vegas not staying in Vegas. His mom was 38 when he was born, dad 68. His only sibling, a sister, was finishing high school. The one thing they all lacked - patience.
They had forgotten what it was like to have a young kid around and unfortunately, none of them really wanted to adapt to fit the baby into the family. His mom would just drag him on all-day shopping trips with her and her friends (they are loaded) and would ignore his needs as a child. That's when I stepped up and started spending more and more time with him. The energy his parents didn't have for things, I did. (I'm in my early 30's now, was in my 20's when he was born) I'd take him to the park, to the pool, or just spend hours in the basement playing with him. It's funny, because his mom insists he needs to be "medicated" but she doesn't understand that he's got all this bottled up energy because she doesn't let him do anything all day. A kid shouldn't be sitting on the floor at Neiman's while you try on shoes and clothes, he needs to go out, be active, and do things. And his dad, being so old, is largely uninvolved. He claims he'll throw his back out if he plays with his kid so he just doesn't do it. If for whatever reason you don't have the energy and while you're assimilating to having a kid around again, bring in a young family member to play with him, bring in a young babysitter or nanny, or someone who has the energy to spend time with the kid in a way that's conducive for him / her. |
Anonymous
|
Be happy, a child is a blessing. I think, even though it might be hard now because you were not prepared for it ,no matter what , in the end you will be happy about your bonus gift .
Which you the best, and try to enjoy every moment with your baby. |