Help me blend our family

[Anonymous]

Calm your hormones and put the kids before the genitals. Why the rush?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need help. We're planning to marry by the end of the year. We have 2 small kids, 9 and 3, both are only children. At first, it was great. We introduced the kids, the 9 year old went into big brother mode, & the little one loved following the 9 year old around.

Welllll....each visit now, there's a fight. We don't live together yet, so the kids only see each other every other weekend. The 9 yr old is completely annoyed by the 3 yr old, & now the 3 year old doesn't like the 9 yr old because "he's mean". We actually caught the 9yr old pushing the little one off the sofa, because he wouldn't leave him alone. They only get along in very SHORT spans.

WHAT DO WE DO?? How do we fix this? Do we move in together before marriage so they can get used to each other? How do we make them like each other? Is this normal sibling stuff?

Please help!

Some of it seems pretty typical for interactions between those two age groups...siblings, cousins, or family friends. You can't make them like each other, but you can work to make them understand each other. You need to talk to the 9 year old and help him understand that the 3 year old looks up to him and wants to be with him, but that younger kids don't understand boundaries. Ask him to be tolerant and help teach the little one about boundaries . (I've found big kid/little kid discussions to be helpful with cousin interactions in the family at large gatherings.) Make sure the 9 year old has plenty of independent time, don't try to spend every waking moment reveling in togetherness...he needs a break. IF you don't make sure he gets one, he'll do it and you've seen that that doesn't exactly end well. The three year old needs to have boundaries set and guarded by both of you - gently and preferably with some sort of distraction associated. It will take some time - six years is a pretty big age difference, but the little one is nearing an age where he can be reasoned with. Until then, ask the older boy what things he could do with the younger one, or with the family together and do those things...and ask him what he'd like to do on his own, and do that, too.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Do both children know of the plans to marry? I agree, the older child might be acting out, not wanting to share Dad with two people. Is the every other weekend for both children, or is one child with one part all or most of the time?

This is not a compatible age difference for hanging out.

Is the rush to marry financial?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are really young. Can you put the kids first and wait to get married? How long have you been divorced?

And why do you insist having them together on the same weekend?

Maybe because this way, they get two kid-free weekends. Sounds good to me.

The kids did not ask to be put in this situation. Selfish of the parents to not put the kids first.

[Anonymous]

The kids don't get to rule the roost. When they are older they might get along, or maybe never. It really doesn't matter, they are not siblings in any sense of the word. They don't have to like each other but clearly the older one needs to not be pushing. The 3 year old also needs to be disciplined. Otherwise I would keep them as separate as possible when they are both together. Simple fix.

The blended family rarely works. Many of my friends can't stand their step kids, vice versa. That's ok but everyone needs to be polite and civil when in each other's company. If you found a good mate, don't give that up. You can spend time with your own child, same with him. When they are with the other parent you could coordinate it so you could take your vacations with your spouse. Lot's of ways to work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calm your hormones and put the kids before the genitals. Why the rush?

Who said they were rushing into it, or that it has to do with their genitals? I presume they can have sex before they get married, so hormones are not likely an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are really young. Can you put the kids first and wait to get married? How long have you been divorced?

And why do you insist having them together on the same weekend?

Maybe they don't have to be together every single time, but wouldn't it help for the kids to know each other before the marriage?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the helpful advice. No, there is no rush to get married, but we thought getting the kids together to get to know each other was important. I'm seeing now that we shouldn't force it on either one of them, & let it happen naturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the helpful advice. No, there is no rush to get married, but we thought getting the kids together to get to know each other was important. I'm seeing now that we shouldn't force it on either one of them, & let it happen naturally.

I agree let the kids decide the relationship they will have. You really can't force it, basically continue to improve your own as a couple.