Help me blend our family

[Anonymous]

I need help. We're planning to marry by the end of the year. We have 2 small kids, 9 and 3, both are only children. At first, it was great. We introduced the kids, the 9 year old went into big brother mode, & the little one loved following the 9 year old around.

Welllll....each visit now, there's a fight. We don't live together yet, so the kids only see each other every other weekend. The 9 yr old is completely annoyed by the 3 yr old, & now the 3 year old doesn't like the 9 yr old because "he's mean". We actually caught the 9yr old pushing the little one off the sofa, because he wouldn't leave him alone. They only get along in very SHORT spans.

WHAT DO WE DO?? How do we fix this? Do we move in together before marriage so they can get used to each other? How do we make them like each other? Is this normal sibling stuff?

Please help!

[Anonymous]

They are really young. Can you put the kids first and wait to get married? How long have you been divorced?

And why do you insist having them together on the same weekend?

[Anonymous]

You can't make them like each other. All you can do is hold firm on stuff like name-calling, hitting, and mean words. Of course they're going to act out, I mean really. Put yourself in their shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are really young. Can you put the kids first and wait to get married? How long have you been divorced?

And why do you insist having them together on the same weekend?

ive been divorced 5 yrs, and she has been for 2 yrs. we just thought having them around each other would get them used to our new family dynamics

[Anonymous]

This is a tough situation. There are full blood siblings that never get along so when you add two unrelated children together you can't expect a bed of roses. I don't have first hand experience but I think a three year old can be taught not to annoy the nine year old. Make sure you spend one on one time with your own kid. Find shared activities together but, make sure they each have their own space so they can be by themselves if someone is being "mean" or "annoying".

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I have a 9 yo and it would be so hard on him to have a new 3yo suddenly in the house. It's a tough age gap because they won't have anything in common. It will get easier in a few years when the 3 yo is less irrational and can entertain himself more.

[Anonymous]

I'm part of a blended family! Here's what my parents did that really made us "feel" like a family:
-Started new traditions/merged old ones (eating ice cream for breakfast on the last day of school, visited the same beach house every weekend in July, all kids got an ornament in their stocking from Santa)
-Spent lots of time doing fun things as a family (sledding, ice skating, playing/going to baseball games, swimming, day trips to the beach)
-Each parent made a special effort to spend one on one time with each kid. There were six of us, so it only happened about once a year, but I remember getting a mani/pedi with my mom and going to the batting cages with my stepdad. It felt really special to be alone with them.

My mom and stepdad divorced while I was in college, but I'm still close with him and my stepsiblings. Like regular families, having common memories to look back on really brings you closer.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. There were also lots of fights as kids and teens. I think that's just the nature of families.

[Anonymous]

maybe the 9yo doesn't like the new parent and is taking it out on the 3yo.

[Anonymous]

Do you plan on having more kids? Is that why she is rushing to get remarried?

Were you dating before she got divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm part of a blended family! Here's what my parents did that really made us "feel" like a family:
-Started new traditions/merged old ones (eating ice cream for breakfast on the last day of school, visited the same beach house every weekend in July, all kids got an ornament in their stocking from Santa)
-Spent lots of time doing fun things as a family (sledding, ice skating, playing/going to baseball games, swimming, day trips to the beach)
-Each parent made a special effort to spend one on one time with each kid. There were six of us, so it only happened about once a year, but I remember getting a mani/pedi with my mom and going to the batting cages with my stepdad. It felt really special to be alone with them.

My mom and stepdad divorced while I was in college, but I'm still close with him and my stepsiblings. Like regular families, having common memories to look back on really brings you closer.

This is all great advice. Our children were 10 and 5 when we married, both used to being only children, and still only children at their other parent's home. We went through the same thing - loved each other at first, then hated each other. We employed all the same tactics as the above poster, and also when on to have a baby of our own. The older kids mutual annoyance and love for the new baby really bonded them, and almost seven years later, our blended family works very well, although not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:maybe the 9yo doesn't like the new parent and is taking it out on the 3yo.

Doubful. This is a tricky age-span and these spats are normal. I hope OP isn't just throwing the kids together and hoping they will behave. They need apart time on weekends, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are really young. Can you put the kids first and wait to get married? How long have you been divorced?

And why do you insist having them together on the same weekend?

9 yr old isn't young bully and the crap should hit the fan.

[Anonymous]

read Siblings without Rivalry.

consider a family therapist.

[Anonymous]

No one could make you "like" your exs