Have I been emotionally abusive to my little sister all these years?

[Anonymous]

Have you ever tried to talk to your sister and found out specific examples? Because in some ways, your version of history doesn't makes sense. You were thin, sick, shy and she was the social one, but she always wanted to hang out with your friends?

I think we remember things through a filter. If you really want to understand why your sister is upset, I'd have a serious conversation with her. Or at least tell her you are sorry if you acted a certain way, you cannot change the past, but when she is ready you would like to work on your future relationship.

First of all, this. Even better than apologies, or recrimination, or guilt, I would just in the kindest, least defensive way try to start having conversations about this. It's impossible for you to figure out who's "in the wrong" or how to proceed when you don't even exactly know what your sister's grievances are.

Second, I think a lot of very hurtful behavior is swept under the category of "sibling rivalry." When you are the oldest, there is a power dynamic that can get a little ugly, particularly with a wide age gap such as you and your sister. I am the oldest, and sure, in elementary school, none of us are mature and we probably all torture (figuratively!) our younger siblings a bit. But by the preteen years, while I was certainly a PITA in many ways, I was aware of the power dynamic and realized that I was the one with the chips and not to "punch down." I think most or at least many "oldest kids" get this and realize and accept that yeah, they are older and held to different standards. On the other hand, I am always amazed at how incredibly awful some older kids are to their siblings (ahem, my husband and his brother!), and then they wonder why they don't have much of a relationship with their siblings! I'm like, umm, because you completely sucked? I mean, just suck-ed! Sure everyone grows up and moves on, but its not like your siblings have amnesia!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like normal sinling teasing. Your sister seems crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Your sister is absolutely not cutting you out of her life because of some stupid shit you said about a Barbie when you guys were kids. You need to reevaluate how you treat her now. As an adult. You need to think about what it is in your dynamic that you have carried over from childhood. I'm sure that there were many things you said and did when you were children together that hurt her very deeply, but I am 100% confident that the real issue in her mind is a parts of your childhood dynamic that have carried over. The fact that she can come to you and tell you that she's incredibly hurt by your behavior and your immediate response is to try to invalidate her experience speaks volumes. It doesn't matter what your intentions were. It matters how she responded and how she felt. If you cared about her, you would be upset that she was hurt, even if it was unintentional on your part.

+1

Either you were much worse to her as a child than you think you were, or this isn't about your childhood at all. Look at what your relationship looks like now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Your sister is absolutely not cutting you out of her life because of some stupid shit you said about a Barbie when you guys were kids. You need to reevaluate how you treat her now. As an adult. You need to think about what it is in your dynamic that you have carried over from childhood. I'm sure that there were many things you said and did when you were children together that hurt her very deeply, but I am 100% confident that the real issue in her mind is a parts of your childhood dynamic that have carried over. The fact that she can come to you and tell you that she's incredibly hurt by your behavior and your immediate response is to try to invalidate her experience speaks volumes. It doesn't matter what your intentions were. It matters how she responded and how she felt. If you cared about her, you would be upset that she was hurt, even if it was unintentional on your part.

This. This. This a hundred times over. PP I've been trying to think of how to respond to OP and you said it very well.

OP, it's not the baby-examples you're bringing up now. It's your character/personality that made you do those things as kids that's still being done in adult situations. Like PP said, your response to her (bravely) telling you what she's feeling is to question it. That is VERY telling.

I'm someone who is going through a tough time with my sister right now too (in fact, at first, I thought you were my sister, but the problems ended up being a bit different). Here's the thing. Growing up she did normal sibling crap to me and I hated it. We were great in our twenties and then we started to settle back into our old ways and I started realizing that she's the same person she was when we were kids. In our case, she'd always want to "one-up" me. She'd do it in front of family, friends, work people.... it's awful. Yet, I'm sure if I confronted her and she came on here to ask if SHE was abusive, she'd give all the examples of when we were kids and how she "one-upped" me back then.

[Anonymous]

Frankky, I think you sound a bit nutty now and I can't blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not by any chance this poster (who has posted about their younger sister many, many times before): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

If so: Jeebus Christ it's been very obvious why your sister wants nothing to do with you, and it's clearly about stuff as adults, not the childhood squabbles

If not: Ignore the above, but listen to the other posters. It's quite likely you are glossing over (or perhaps unaware) of old habits from childhood, continued as adults, just maybe in different ways.

+1
I bet it's that poster and if it is clearly no advice here will help her.

Agreed.

I was also immediately wondering if it was the same poster as we've seen previously. It all just sounds too similar. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

OP, if you're reading, how your sister is reacting now isn't about Barbies. you view the past as your sister full of health and vitality while you were weak. She views the past (and the present) much differently. You are defensive about the past - "sure, maybe I withheld Barbie, but I was weak and unattractive and you had everything."

My only advice is to LISTEN. Not talk, not react, not pull up past example, but listen to what you sister is saying. Reflect. Talk it over with a third party. Then decide how you want to act now. Your dynamic right now usher telling you something, nd you saying, no, that's not right. Maybe your sister is skewed in her thinking. But I'm not even sure you fully understand her thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your sister is absolutely not cutting you out of her life because of some stupid shit you said about a Barbie when you guys were kids. You need to reevaluate how you treat her now. As an adult. You need to think about what it is in your dynamic that you have carried over from childhood. I'm sure that there were many things you said and did when you were children together that hurt her very deeply, but I am 100% confident that the real issue in her mind is a parts of your childhood dynamic that have carried over. The fact that she can come to you and tell you that she's incredibly hurt by your behavior and your immediate response is to try to invalidate her experience speaks volumes. It doesn't matter what your intentions were. It matters how she responded and how she felt. If you cared about her, you would be upset that she was hurt, even if it was unintentional on your part.

This. This. This a hundred times over. PP I've been trying to think of how to respond to OP and you said it very well.

OP, it's not the baby-examples you're bringing up now. It's your character/personality that made you do those things as kids that's still being done in adult situations. Like PP said, your response to her (bravely) telling you what she's feeling is to question it. That is VERY telling.

I'm someone who is going through a tough time with my sister right now too (in fact, at first, I thought you were my sister, but the problems ended up being a bit different). Here's the thing. Growing up she did normal sibling crap to me and I hated it. We were great in our twenties and then we started to settle back into our old ways and I started realizing that she's the same person she was when we were kids. In our case, she'd always want to "one-up" me. She'd do it in front of family, friends, work people.... it's awful. Yet, I'm sure if I confronted her and she came on here to ask if SHE was abusive, she'd give all the examples of when we were kids and how she "one-upped" me back then.

Isn't it possible that her sister is holding a grudge for normal sibling stuff? My sister is angry with me as an adult for what I consider normal sibling stuff - she still brings up the most petty things, like I ripped the head off her doll (I was 6), or that I got to do things before she did, like get my drivers license (I was older, but not by much, so I can see how it might seem unfair but why would it have been fair for me to wait?). That's the kind of thing she complains about because there's really not that much bad to bring up. But she's been a victim her whole life, in all her relationships. Though if that were the issue here I guess it wouldn't be a surprise that her sister's so angry?

[Anonymous]

My sister is like the PPs...bring up stuff that I did when I was 3 or 5 and she was ten years older. Perpetual victim. These people exist so I think it's entirely possibly OPs sister is dredging up crap from 20 yrs ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your sister is absolutely not cutting you out of her life because of some stupid shit you said about a Barbie when you guys were kids. You need to reevaluate how you treat her now. As an adult. You need to think about what it is in your dynamic that you have carried over from childhood. I'm sure that there were many things you said and did when you were children together that hurt her very deeply, but I am 100% confident that the real issue in her mind is a parts of your childhood dynamic that have carried over. The fact that she can come to you and tell you that she's incredibly hurt by your behavior and your immediate response is to try to invalidate her experience speaks volumes. It doesn't matter what your intentions were. It matters how she responded and how she felt. If you cared about her, you would be upset that she was hurt, even if it was unintentional on your part.

This. This. This a hundred times over. PP I've been trying to think of how to respond to OP and you said it very well.

OP, it's not the baby-examples you're bringing up now. It's your character/personality that made you do those things as kids that's still being done in adult situations. Like PP said, your response to her (bravely) telling you what she's feeling is to question it. That is VERY telling.

I'm someone who is going through a tough time with my sister right now too (in fact, at first, I thought you were my sister, but the problems ended up being a bit different). Here's the thing. Growing up she did normal sibling crap to me and I hated it. We were great in our twenties and then we started to settle back into our old ways and I started realizing that she's the same person she was when we were kids. In our case, she'd always want to "one-up" me. She'd do it in front of family, friends, work people.... it's awful. Yet, I'm sure if I confronted her and she came on here to ask if SHE was abusive, she'd give all the examples of when we were kids and how she "one-upped" me back then.

This is OP.

When we talked, she did specifically bring up examples from the past. She has said that I always make her feel awkward and I was never very nice to her and all she wanted to do was be my best friend and I pushed her away. This is factually untrue. My sister WAS the pretty and popular one, but for a long time we hung out together. My friends + her friends. once she entered college, she became "popular" versus me and my nerdy friends. And soon she stopped inviting me to come along with she and her friends. She has been pretty neglectful recently and I was the one feeling left out. All of a sudden she turns around and says she hates me because I have never been a "good older sister."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an older sister, with whom I had a very difficult relationship growing up. She could act like my friend one minute, then turn around and be a horrible bitch to me.

In our twenties, it was more of the same. If I didn't go to visit her, she'd call me with some huge guilt trip about how I was neglecting her. If I did go to visit, she'd be nice for the first day or two and then something would set her off and she'd be mean again.

I got tired of the roller coaster, of never knowing what to expect, walking on eggshells all the time. I eventually cut her out, stopped talking to her for several years. Never really explained why, just stopped returning her calls.

We're near 40 now, and just starting to talk again. She's evened out as she matured, and I've grown more comfortable and confident in myself. She's still not my favorite person to hang out with, but I can put up with her at family events. It's progress.

My point is, you may be more hurtful NOW than you realize. This isn't about barbies. It's about you treating her the way you would treat any adult friend, not your kid sister. Until you can do that, she won't be able to change the dynamic either, and may just want out. Give her space until you both grow up a little.

This is OP. Can you give examples of the kind of stuff she said that made you want to walk around eggshells with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either you are not fully understanding your own actions and glossing over something more, or she's overly dramatic about what sounds like normal sibling squabbles.

Personally I would let it go. If she's so caught up in her world than nothing you say will change her mind. And on the flip side, if you did more than you are letting on, then you are in denial and clearly can't bridge the gap to her. I think you have to let the ball be in her court.

+1

One of my best friends since childhood is going through this with her sister. My friend (A) is the youngest, and the sister (B) is in the middle. (B) always wanted to be the youngest, and always wanted the attention. Nothing (A) did would have been "right", in (B)'s eyes. (A)'s physical looks were always very different than (B); and (A) was always was fawned over (I saw it in the family growing up). (B) was blatantly favored and given everything, but always rejected (A); making it loud and clear (B) wished (A) never existed. (A) looked up to (B), and the other siblings, too. The other siblings took great care of (A), took her everywhere, and took great care of her. (B) never made anything of herself, and resorts to competition (where there is none): lying about her life, and fabricates stories about everything, trying to rewrite history in (B)'s favor. (A) tires of it, and I don't hear much of (B) anymore, so I wonder if (A) has simply had enough. Maybe this is the same family (or similar), OP? Maybe (A) just got tired of you, your denial, your immature attitude, your refusal to grow up, your constant competing and your petulant ways? Maybe (A) just doesn't trust you, or see enough similarities to make the effort for a relationship? It seems, after all these years, (A) is tired of trying, with a sibling who is never going to improve their attitude, look at things the way they really are, admit the truth, and grow up. Everyone who knows the family knows that (B) is a compulsive liar, with selfish and self serving ways; it is not difficult to see.

Anyway, this is my perspective, looking in. I bet if we asked your little sister for her version of events, the events and outcome would read very different than what you have relayed.

[Anonymous]

Even if it was normal sibling stuff, she is upset about it. Either discuss it and decide together to try to move past it, or what else can you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not by any chance this poster (who has posted about their younger sister many, many times before): http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/552911.page

If so: Jeebus Christ it's been very obvious why your sister wants nothing to do with you, and it's clearly about stuff as adults, not the childhood squabbles

If not: Ignore the above, but listen to the other posters. It's quite likely you are glossing over (or perhaps unaware) of old habits from childhood, continued as adults, just maybe in different ways.

OMG, you are the most vile and hateful poster on dcum. I'm sick to death of YOUR posts about her sister!! Leave this poor woman alone! If she is that poster, it sounds like you've had your chance to make comments. Now just shut up and let her get some perspective from someone else.

OP, your sister sounds very immature. Hopefully when she matures she'll realize how common those things are and be able to forgive you and even laugh about it. It may take a few years, though, so hang in there. A lot of people are mean as kids and turn into well adjusted, kind adults. Maybe you can apologize, add that you were just a kid then yourself, and then just keep your distance and wait for her to grow up.

NP here - your insults are completely uncalled for, PP. Or are you maybe OP and did this poster hit a nerve???

No, I'm not that OP or this one. I'm genuinely sick of these few posters who follow that OP around, determined to derail all of her threads. She has a right to post, and if those posters are sick of her, then don't participate.

Their behavior is really hateful and bullying and it bothers me.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 30s and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how deeply my relationship with my sister affected me. I basically felt my whole life that she hated me. That fucks you up... especially when that sibling is the favorite. I felt like a complete, unwanted outsider in my own family. Nobody in my family would have the slightest clue that this was my experience, but absolutely the verbal abuse and rejection from my sister and passivity from my parents is a big problem for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it sounds like pretty normal sibling rivalry to me but how do you guys get long as adults? In some families siblings will grow up with they will resume the same dynamics when they're together as adults. If you are bullying her as an adult maybe that's why she wants to cut you off


I think a genuine apology is in order and not one of those I'm sorry you feel that way like BS but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings as a kid.

Or maybe the little sister is just freaking nuts, needs to grow up and quit harboring childish grievances from childhood.

I'm a NP, but why wouldn't a genuine apology be in order, regardless? I have a NPD BIL and although 90% of the BS in our relationship is from his side, I still feel bad, as I should, about the things I did less-than-perfectly, or even poorly. I am willing to own up to them. I have to take care not to beat myself up for them, nor to let him beat me up, but I did wrong, and I do feel contrite, as I should. I'm not afraid to give him an inch on those things.

OP, this is a tough one. Without re-reading your post 100x, I don't see clear red flags one way or the other. Rarely do these things come out of left field-- they usually only seem to when the person being cut off is oblivious and has a personality disorder or something. Yet, you do seem to feel bad, to empathize-- which is something, for example, my BIL would never really do. Through my lens of dealing with NPD lately (which may be the wrong one), I think the major possibilities are these, with overlap:

-She has a PD or substance abuse problem, etc.
-You have a PD or substance abuse problem, etc.
-Your parent(s) have a PD, and you have "FLEAS" and she is in the process of cutting off a lot of family.
-Your parent(s) have a PD, and SHE was the Golden Child (she could have a PD or FLEAS), you (who were the Scapegoat) distanced yourself from family, and since they pick on her more in your absence, she is seeing the bad side of them and needs someone to SG again.

I don't think her statements can be chalked up to "immaturity," although if she's under 30, we're all more self-centered then, so it could be a factor IMO.

You don't sound like you're the problem/sole problem, BUT I could see my NPD BIL posting something similar, like, "Well, I was a little mean to [DH] growing up, but nothing he should cut me off for!" When, in fact-- although they have always existed-- the issues are much more about what he's been doing to DH in the past few years. But he wouldn't see it.

You seriously need to include a glossary to this post. I have no idea what this is about.