Have I been emotionally abusive to my little sister all these years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 30s and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how deeply my relationship with my sister affected me. I basically felt my whole life that she hated me. That fucks you up... especially when that sibling is the favorite. I felt like a complete, unwanted outsider in my own family. Nobody in my family would have the slightest clue that this was my experience, but absolutely the verbal abuse and rejection from my sister and passivity from my parents is a big problem for me.

My parents completely rejected one of my siblings, and the rest of us got our cues from them. We all treated this sib as if we wished they weren't there. I feel terrible that I participated in that. It's hard to explain but it's a form of brainwashing -- kids believe their parents. Your parents should have corrected your sister. I'm sorry that happened to you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 30s and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how deeply my relationship with my sister affected me. I basically felt my whole life that she hated me. That fucks you up... especially when that sibling is the favorite. I felt like a complete, unwanted outsider in my own family. Nobody in my family would have the slightest clue that this was my experience, but absolutely the verbal abuse and rejection from my sister and passivity from my parents is a big problem for me.

Did you turn out to be more successful than your sister? PP here (A and B poster). The reason I ask is that my friend was set up to fail, in her family; which she noticed at a young age. The other siblings in her family noticed, also. Everything in that family was for the sake of sibling B, who turned out to be a f*ck up (in plain English). The favoritism did sibling B no favors, at all. Instead, it enabled her to get away with anything, which did her in; and she ultimately made nothing of herself. I feel like my friend reacted to the favoritism by saying "well, I'll show you!"; and she did. The sister hates everything about her, for that reason. Sometimes favoritism backfires on the parents, completely.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 30s and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how deeply my relationship with my sister affected me. I basically felt my whole life that she hated me. That fucks you up... especially when that sibling is the favorite. I felt like a complete, unwanted outsider in my own family. Nobody in my family would have the slightest clue that this was my experience, but absolutely the verbal abuse and rejection from my sister and passivity from my parents is a big problem for me.

Did you turn out to be more successful than your sister? PP here (A and B poster). The reason I ask is that my friend was set up to fail, in her family; which she noticed at a young age. The other siblings in her family noticed, also. Everything in that family was for the sake of sibling B, who turned out to be a f*ck up (in plain English). The favoritism did sibling B no favors, at all. Instead, it enabled her to get away with anything, which did her in; and she ultimately made nothing of herself. I feel like my friend reacted to the favoritism by saying "well, I'll show you!"; and she did. The sister hates everything about her, for that reason. Sometimes favoritism backfires on the parents, completely.

I can't remember which book/psychologist I read that said that favoritism is one of the most insidious parental failures. Because, as some of the PPs indicate, it eff's up the "favored" child as much as the "unfavored" - something about how they realize their "favored" status is unfair so are terrified of losing it, while at the same time harboring guilt at the other silbling's treatment but again being unwilling to do something because they see all their value as flowing from the preferential treatment in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm in my mid 30s and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how deeply my relationship with my sister affected me. I basically felt my whole life that she hated me. That fucks you up... especially when that sibling is the favorite. I felt like a complete, unwanted outsider in my own family. Nobody in my family would have the slightest clue that this was my experience, but absolutely the verbal abuse and rejection from my sister and passivity from my parents is a big problem for me.

Did you turn out to be more successful than your sister? PP here (A and B poster). The reason I ask is that my friend was set up to fail, in her family; which she noticed at a young age. The other siblings in her family noticed, also. Everything in that family was for the sake of sibling B, who turned out to be a f*ck up (in plain English). The favoritism did sibling B no favors, at all. Instead, it enabled her to get away with anything, which did her in; and she ultimately made nothing of herself. I feel like my friend reacted to the favoritism by saying "well, I'll show you!"; and she did. The sister hates everything about her, for that reason. Sometimes favoritism backfires on the parents, completely.

I can't remember which book/psychologist I read that said that favoritism is one of the most insidious parental failures. Because, as some of the PPs indicate, it eff's up the "favored" child as much as the "unfavored" - something about how they realize their "favored" status is unfair so are terrified of losing it, while at the same time harboring guilt at the other silbling's treatment but again being unwilling to do something because they see all their value as flowing from the preferential treatment in the first place.

PP here. This is spot on. I would love to refer my friend to a great book about this, if you think of the title. It is an ongoing problem in her family. Somehow, she managed to learn to be an awesome person, and do really well in life, in spite of how she was treated. I do think that the subject of "favoritism" intrigues her, I know it intrigues me (I am the one who started the other thread asking why it happens). It seems so arbitrary! It is nice to know, with my friend's case, that good (though never predictable) things can come out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 30s and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how deeply my relationship with my sister affected me. I basically felt my whole life that she hated me. That fucks you up... especially when that sibling is the favorite. I felt like a complete, unwanted outsider in my own family. Nobody in my family would have the slightest clue that this was my experience, but absolutely the verbal abuse and rejection from my sister and passivity from my parents is a big problem for me.

Did you turn out to be more successful than your sister? PP here (A and B poster). The reason I ask is that my friend was set up to fail, in her family; which she noticed at a young age. The other siblings in her family noticed, also. Everything in that family was for the sake of sibling B, who turned out to be a f*ck up (in plain English). The favoritism did sibling B no favors, at all. Instead, it enabled her to get away with anything, which did her in; and she ultimately made nothing of herself. I feel like my friend reacted to the favoritism by saying "well, I'll show you!"; and she did. The sister hates everything about her, for that reason. Sometimes favoritism backfires on the parents, completely.

Yes, but only because she left the workforce early.

To be fair, my parents did well to give us equal money, time, gifts and education. They worked hard to be fair. It's just that I KNOW my mother was very fond of my sister and found me to be difficult — never mind that I was having trouble because of the anxiety-ridden environment she created at home! It often seemed like she only loved me because she was my mom and she had to. She didn't make much effort to connect with me because it wasn't as easy as it was with my sister. My dad probably sees more of himself in me, but he's so passive that I didn't feel like much of that loss of closeness with my mom was made up for by my dad.

I don't think parents can actually help the kind of favoritism that my parents showed so I don't know why it affected me so deeply. I have a perpetual feeling of being unwanted. Somebody literally has to drag me out somewhere in order for me to feel like they might kinda sorta actually want my company.

I realized in my late-20s too that my sister always thought I was prettier than her, even though we look incredibly similar. I have two children and am going to try incredibly hard to have them respect and love one another. Being isolated by my sister at home sucked in so many ways.