Military families and kid friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We were close with a military family and when they got ready to move, she started pulling up the emotional stakes about two or three months ahead as she obviously began to prepare herself for what she had already been through multiple times. Only heard from them once or twice after they left. We did a lot together and it really hurt my feelings -- and really hurt my kids' feelings, too, which is hard for me to forgive. They miss them.

I would think twice next time. My two cents based on experience.

This is pretty close to our experience. Our military neighbors just vanished - like, I think, they must have moved in the middle of the night. Really! They were just gone. They had mentioned casually that they would be leaving but now that I think about it, I think I initiated that conversation and pressed for details (thought the neighborhood might want to give them a send-off party) For as much "oxygen in the room" they took up on their arrival on the street, like expecting a parade, all eyes on them - they left without any fanfare. And yes, it can be hard on kids who don't understand. It's like the friendship wasn't authentic.

Military moves can be quick - they arrange it all, send packers, do the move for the family, so while there is a lot to do, not anything like what someone else would have to do.

Baha you are clearly not military. They absolutely do not 'arrange it all' they pay for the physical move and that is it. It's not easy and it falls on us.

[Anonymous]

This area is very transient (I started a thread a year ago about it) and it can be very hard for the kids when they see their friends leave every two or three years. It doesnt stop us from becoming friends with state dept or military families but it does make me sad that my kids ( and me too) dont have the experience of having a friend you meet in elementary school and stay close to through high school. we live in an area that is very heavy military/state dept and one of the things I like about them is that they dont get sucked into the competitive parent vortex that is No Va. So to answer the OP question, I would never steer away from a military family but we go in prepared to be sad when they move away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be less likely to facilitate a friendship with a military brat because I don't support the military.

You don't have a problem living in a country that has been defended by the military though.

I do, actually and we're moving out of the country in seven years.

LMAO. You're moving from the US because of the military? Have you considered therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be less likely to facilitate a friendship with a military brat because I don't support the military.

You don't have a problem living in a country that has been defended by the military though.

I do, actually and we're moving out of the country in seven years.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out!! Too bad we have to put up with you for seven more years.

Oh, get over yourself. One of the (several) things I hate about anything American military-related is that people involved in it always seem to need to talk about it. My husband and I don't need to talk about our jobs when we're not actually working.

Interesting. It took six months for our neighbors to even figure out DH is in the military. I suspect you're lying - anyway, good riddance to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm a military brat. Some of my best friends are friends that I met in high school. 20 years later, we are still best friends even though we don't live in the same state or countries. But we all get together every 2-3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents don't need to be "facilitating" friendships for 3rd and 4th graders.

This is a pretty old-fashioned attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We were close with a military family and when they got ready to move, she started pulling up the emotional stakes about two or three months ahead as she obviously began to prepare herself for what she had already been through multiple times. Only heard from them once or twice after they left. We did a lot together and it really hurt my feelings -- and really hurt my kids' feelings, too, which is hard for me to forgive. They miss them.

I would think twice next time. My two cents based on experience.

This is pretty close to our experience. Our military neighbors just vanished - like, I think, they must have moved in the middle of the night. Really! They were just gone. They had mentioned casually that they would be leaving but now that I think about it, I think I initiated that conversation and pressed for details (thought the neighborhood might want to give them a send-off party) For as much "oxygen in the room" they took up on their arrival on the street, like expecting a parade, all eyes on them - they left without any fanfare. And yes, it can be hard on kids who don't understand. It's like the friendship wasn't authentic.

Military moves can be quick - they arrange it all, send packers, do the move for the family, so while there is a lot to do, not anything like what someone else would have to do.

Don't the military wives do all that?

???

The only did I do is make sure they don't accidentally pack up my car keys.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I AM the military mom. I'm actually worried about my two older sons when we move next year. Glad to hear most of you think it won't be a problem. I've just noticed as we've moved up the grade levels, other parents are less interested in fitting in new friends. The kind of "reaching out" that went on in pre-k, K, and to some extent first, has really slowed down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe this is your actual question. Very sad really on how shallow you are.

We were close with a military family and when they got ready to move, she started pulling up the emotional stakes about two or three months ahead as she obviously began to prepare herself for what she had already been through multiple times. Only heard from them once or twice after they left. We did a lot together and it really hurt my feelings -- and really hurt my kids' feelings, too, which is hard for me to forgive. They miss them.

I would think twice next time. My two cents based on experience.

OP again. This is what I'm worried about. The last time we moved, the kids weren't in school yet, and it was still really hard on them and the couple of families we had gotten close to. We Skyped a few times, and the grown-ups are friends on facebook, but it was sad.

I guess I'm not asking if you'd let them play at school or arrange a play date, but more if you'd facilitate a deep friendship or maybe even discourage it. My kids are prepared for moving and I'm prepared for the sadness, but if I could avoid it for them? I might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe this is your actual question. Very sad really on how shallow you are.

We were close with a military family and when they got ready to move, she started pulling up the emotional stakes about two or three months ahead as she obviously began to prepare herself for what she had already been through multiple times. Only heard from them once or twice after they left. We did a lot together and it really hurt my feelings -- and really hurt my kids' feelings, too, which is hard for me to forgive. They miss them.

I would think twice next time. My two cents based on experience.

OP again. This is what I'm worried about. The last time we moved, the kids weren't in school yet, and it was still really hard on them and the couple of families we had gotten close to. We Skyped a few times, and the grown-ups are friends on facebook, but it was sad.

I guess I'm not asking if you'd let them play at school or arrange a play date, but more if you'd facilitate a deep friendship or maybe even discourage it. My kids are prepared for moving and I'm prepared for the sadness, but if I could avoid it for them? I might.

It sounds like they're old enough that you don't need to facilitate, but I certainly wouldn't discourage it. They know the score, and they need close friends, even if it's just for a season.

-military brat and military spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe this is your actual question. Very sad really on how shallow you are.

We were close with a military family and when they got ready to move, she started pulling up the emotional stakes about two or three months ahead as she obviously began to prepare herself for what she had already been through multiple times. Only heard from them once or twice after they left. We did a lot together and it really hurt my feelings -- and really hurt my kids' feelings, too, which is hard for me to forgive. They miss them.

I would think twice next time. My two cents based on experience.

OP again. This is what I'm worried about. The last time we moved, the kids weren't in school yet, and it was still really hard on them and the couple of families we had gotten close to. We Skyped a few times, and the grown-ups are friends on facebook, but it was sad.

I guess I'm not asking if you'd let them play at school or arrange a play date, but more if you'd facilitate a deep friendship or maybe even discourage it. My kids are prepared for moving and I'm prepared for the sadness, but if I could avoid it for them? I might.

It sounds like they're old enough that you don't need to facilitate, but I certainly wouldn't discourage it. They know the score, and they need close friends, even if it's just for a season.

-military brat and military spouse

It's not me I'm worried about; I'm worried about the other parents discouraging their kids from getting close to mine. I know I can't prevent it if it happens, but I was wondering whether I needed to prepare for the possibility or not. It looks like there are mixed responses here, so we'll just wait and see, and I'll be ready to comfort my kids if things don't work out the way they hope.

[Anonymous]

While you are at it, shut out kids whose parents are from the Midwest, they always move back, don't they? And kids who might move to another county. And kids who might leave for a magnet school. And kids whose parents are on a trajectory for NYC.

[Anonymous]

If you have the opportunity to live on base, do that. Base living is amazing for kids: 1970s style free range independence, huge build in friend groups, schools that understand military issues.

If you are moving to this area, choose a place like Burke or West Springfield, where there is a big military community and locals are used to military neighbors moving in and out.

[Anonymous]

OP again. For those of you questioning my word "facilitate," since these kids don't have their own phones, or drive, it's easy enough to let a friendship be "at school" only. I mean, would people actively invite them over, bring their kids over, include them in a small birthday party, keep up with them over the summer ... that sort of thing that parents are still involved with at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We were close with a military family and when they got ready to move, she started pulling up the emotional stakes about two or three months ahead as she obviously began to prepare herself for what she had already been through multiple times. Only heard from them once or twice after they left. We did a lot together and it really hurt my feelings -- and really hurt my kids' feelings, too, which is hard for me to forgive. They miss them.

I would think twice next time. My two cents based on experience.

This is pretty close to our experience. Our military neighbors just vanished - like, I think, they must have moved in the middle of the night. Really! They were just gone. They had mentioned casually that they would be leaving but now that I think about it, I think I initiated that conversation and pressed for details (thought the neighborhood might want to give them a send-off party) For as much "oxygen in the room" they took up on their arrival on the street, like expecting a parade, all eyes on them - they left without any fanfare. And yes, it can be hard on kids who don't understand. It's like the friendship wasn't authentic.

Military moves can be quick - they arrange it all, send packers, do the move for the family, so while there is a lot to do, not anything like what someone else would have to do.

Baha you are clearly not military. They absolutely do not 'arrange it all' they pay for the physical move and that is it. It's not easy and it falls on us.

Yes, I am, my husband is retired. They pay for packing and unpacking. Easy, not fully, but much easier than a civilian move. They do far less if you choose to do it yourself.