Having only one partner

[Anonymous]

OP, cry with joy that you were so lucky. I want to teach my DDs to wait until marriage. It's much easier to have that moral authority when you have made that choice yourself. What we call sexual freedom has led to tragic consequences for women in most cases. Nearly every unchaste woman has experienced an STD or unwanted pregnancy or inadvertent adultery or at least heartbreak. I don't want my girls to go through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Nearly every unchaste woman has experienced an STD or unwanted pregnancy or inadvertent adultery or at least heartbreak. I don't want my girls to go through that.

Are you saying that you think every woman with more than one partner has experienced one out of the four things listed? Or are you saying that she has experienced every one of the four things listed? Can you site your assertion?

It sounds a little nuts, either way. Everyone has experienced heartbreak; it is one of the risks of interacting with other people (friends, family, etc). I have never experienced an STD, unwanted pregnancy or infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I'm still reading these responses. I feel like I have to keep repeating this: mistakes happen, especially when you're drunk. Part of the problem is that my desire to be faithful is very strong and that, coupled with the fact that I've only had one partner, makes it tough to move on- especially when things are made to look like there's something wrong with you if you're not out getting laid all the time. I'll admit there was a lack of confidence on my part, but even now, I still couldn't do it- not with some one I had no real interest in. To the 22:46, poster, I don't know if you are a man or woman, but hopefully there is something that can be done, especially if you feel that this person is the right one.

I very much appreciate all the responses! There's a lot of very nice people out there!

I'm the person who suggested SI. My husband was drunk when he kissed another woman. No intercourse - doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

But you need to address the underlying issues with a competent therapist. Just feeling sorry will NOT prevent this from occurring again. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I'm still reading these responses. I feel like I have to keep repeating this: mistakes happen, especially when you're drunk. Part of the problem is that my desire to be faithful is very strong and that, coupled with the fact that I've only had one partner, makes it tough to move on- especially when things are made to look like there's something wrong with you if you're not out getting laid all the time. I'll admit there was a lack of confidence on my part, but even now, I still couldn't do it- not with some one I had no real interest in. To the 22:46, poster, I don't know if you are a man or woman, but hopefully there is something that can be done, especially if you feel that this person is the right one.

I very much appreciate all the responses! There's a lot of very nice people out there!

I'm the person who suggested SI. My husband was drunk when he kissed another woman. No intercourse - doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

But you need to address the underlying issues with a competent therapist. Just feeling sorry will NOT prevent this from occurring again. Good luck.

OP here, we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I'm still reading these responses. I feel like I have to keep repeating this: mistakes happen, especially when you're drunk. Part of the problem is that my desire to be faithful is very strong and that, coupled with the fact that I've only had one partner, makes it tough to move on- especially when things are made to look like there's something wrong with you if you're not out getting laid all the time. I'll admit there was a lack of confidence on my part, but even now, I still couldn't do it- not with some one I had no real interest in. To the 22:46, poster, I don't know if you are a man or woman, but hopefully there is something that can be done, especially if you feel that this person is the right one.

I very much appreciate all the responses! There's a lot of very nice people out there!

I'm the person who suggested SI. My husband was drunk when he kissed another woman. No intercourse - doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

But you need to address the underlying issues with a competent therapist. Just feeling sorry will NOT prevent this from occurring again. Good luck.

OP here, we are.

OP again. Unfortunately it went beyond kissing, to the point where genitalia were involved- just not intercourse. That kind of betrayal leaves a scar for life. I want to be able to get over it. To not let one mistake forever ruin my life, my wife's life amd most importatnly our two children's lives. It'd be ironic to have my marriage fall apart because I couldn't get over this- and yet it's an event that I'm not responsible for! I'm doing every thing I can to deal with my feelings. As you may recognize, this will take a long, long time. Thanks for your input.

[Anonymous]

Yes, must have sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think I've read enough. Most of the time, I don't regret the decisions I've made. I simply don't like the idea of using people/being used for sex. I have had opportunities before my spouse, but I realize they would have been regrettable mistakes. However, one of my regrets is not have been in a long term relationship before my spouse, so that I could learn from my mistakes, instead of making them with my spouse. I wouldn't say that I was waiting to get married. What I was waiting for was to be in a commited relationship with a nice person. Last year was extremely difficult for both of us and it resulted in my spouse faltering. Even as a mistake, it crushed my self-esteem. I have likened it to losing a face-off, but winning the game (yes I know I'm competitive oriented- I'm working on it, very hard). It's that one face-off where I was made to feel unwanted. I sometimes read threads here and see all the women unhappy with their husbands, wishing for some one better, or regretting the one that got away. I can't imagine how hurt their husbands would be to read it.
I am certainly not without faults. And yet, I try very hard to do the right thing. I had the chance to cheat with some one while their spouse was away. I didn't as I knew the spouse and didn't want to betray them.
Every one has their doubts. This is one of mine. You can think you're pretty, smart, athletic, but without some one to validate that belief, self doubt creeps in. I do believe I'm a good worthwhile person, but I sometimes doubt myself.
FWIW I'm a husband. I have an awesome wife. Last year the stress, some of which was from me, was too much for her and in a moment of weakness she faltered. I have since become much, much better at taking care of her and making her realize how much she is loved.
Am I happy? All in all, yes. Yesterday and today have been tough for me. I've fallen and I'm trying to figure out if it's worth getting up. I appreciate all the positive comments.
It's just some of these threads get me down.

I had many partners and my husband had very few previous to our relationship. We both put a lot of emphasis on our sexuality and had explored it in ways we saw fit--me by having lots and lots of sex and he by being very judicious about partnering up. We now have a very sensual and loving sex life. I value the decisions he made I, I know he is non-judgmental about mine. I feel like I have access to a special treasure and I think he feels like he has access to someone unapologetic and in control of her sexuality. Works for both of us You sound like a great guy, and your wife's special treasure. She may have strayed but since you are still together, perhaps that straying confirmed to her what a valued man she has? No one is perfect, and no one's life is perfect. It sounds like you are questioning yourself. This straying may have been more about her issues than yours....

[Anonymous]

OP still here. Again thanks to all well wishes and empathy.
Soemtimes life throws you a challange you don't think you can bear, but you get through it and become stronger.
I do realize that this is my issue.
I'm far from perfect.
One thing I feel like mentioning is that when your spouse doesn't live up to your expectations, and fails you one way or another, you may think of leaving. When children are involved you may feel trapped-not wanting to make them suffer as they are truly innocent. Thinking about how everything you worked for: a nice house, mutual friends, the familial bonds of your relatives, and how it would all be gone. Knowing that I'm not alone in how I've led my life-through the kind words of others, helps immensely.
My wife loves me dearly. She f*&ked up. I have too, in not being there when she needed me.
You all have given me a lot of benevolence and strength. Thankyou.
In my search for answers I have found what I consider an excellent blog about marriage:
http://www.savethemarriage.com/blog/blog.html
my favorite blogs:
http://www.savethemarriage.com/blog/2009/03/top-ten-reasons-to-go-ahead-and-divorce
http://www.savethemarriage.com/blog/2009/03/top-10-ways-to-not-save-your-marriage
http://www.savethemarriage.com/blog/2009/01/two-feelings-necessary-in-marriage
http://www.savethemarriage.com/blog/2009/02/valentines-day-dangerous-idea

I hope that you read some of these links. They have helped me immensely

[Anonymous]

OP - FWIW, you sound like an amazing guy--a real keeper. FYI, My husband never had sex before me. I actually value that characteristic so much (among many other wonderful attributes.) I am not saying he is perfect and we do fight but he is the man for me and I know it. Keep working hard for your marriage and your self esteem. I hope it works out.

[Anonymous]

I know this thread is a bit old, but I really wanted to comment.

OP, I completely understand feeling inadequate and humiliated, since I've been going through the same thing for several months now as I'm beginning to push 30. My now-husband was my first (and only) sex partner, and I was definitely not his first. Sometimes I wonder if other people would look down on me and think I was less sexual than other women who have had more sex partners. I feel constantly defensive about it. I take terrible, smug glee at reading statistics on how many women can't orgasm during vaginal intercourse, and pat myself on the back for the fact that I can (how ridiculous, I know). I've even suggested to my husband that I spend a year or so seeing other men, but we both decided it wouldn't work out.

In this hypersexualized society, which seems to assume us married people are boring and clueless about sex, and which seems to equate "number of sex partners" with "amount of sexual experience," and which seems to value being promiscuous over being picky.... Well, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I hope you remember that you aren't, either.

[Anonymous]

former slut here, but in my defense, earned the title for activities prior to marriage and before i was 25. looking back, i really can't say what such activity got me. fun? not really, unless you think the idea of hairy relative strangers whispering silly nothings into your ear for 3 minutes and then never talking, let alone whispering, again is at all entertaining. release? i've always been a do-it-yourselfer. adventure or lasting memories? i would have done better if i had spent all the time and effort and money i spent humping and trying to hump going on a trek across Europe or learning a new language or engaging in new hobbies, like knitting for example.

by the way, have been happily married now for over 12 years and my slutty ways are a thankfully fading memory.