Having only one partner

[Anonymous]

As someone who has definitely had more than one partner, I think it's really nice that you found a good one early enough in life to be your only partner! i would trade my more-than-one partners for that. I think that with the right partner, married sex with the same person forever could definitely be better than trying different partners. sure, it would be "new" but new isn't always better.

I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped worrying about what other people did and just focused on their own life. Some will meet the right guy at 18 or 21 or 25 and will only sleep with one person for life, and that's great. Some of us will take longer to find the "right" person - I'm 37 and that hasn't happened for me yet, and may never. But I couldn't see the sense or fairness in a life without romantic love AND sex, so I've had dating/sexual relationships that didn't end up leading to marriage. Some were a good idea, some were a bad idea, but it's easier to say which was which in hindsight.

I think the real issue here is that you're wondering if you saved yourself for the right guy, given that this guy cheated on you.

Sex isn't everything. There's a lot that goes into a good marriage besides that, and one stupid mistake does not mean he doesn't love you or doesn't love sleeping with you or even that he was looking for something different or better. It means he picked a stupid way to express something he was feeling, which is apparently "old and obsolete." If you have a strong foundation, I'd be inclined to keep him IF the lines of communication are open and IF he is showing you with the majority of his words and actions that he wants to make it up to you. If you can trust him again and not spend too much time worrying about whether it'll happen again, this could make a stronger marriage in the long run.

But even with only the one partner, you'd know by now whether the sex between you was good. And I'm sure it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, please join us at www.survivinginfidelity.com

I am very sorry for your situation. It is, unfortunately, almost the precise one I am in. And it sucks.

[Anonymous]

As another person who has had only one partner, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one! (My spouse had one other partner before me.) Occasionally I do wonder if I somehow missed out on some important part of life, but I'm happy now, so why would I change it? I would absolutely not risk my marriage to see if someone else might be a better lover than my spouse.

OP, I'm sorry your wife cheated, and you deserve a lot of respect for sticking with her and trying to work things out. Whatever was going on, she has apparently chosen to stay with you, as well. If you can make it work and be content with each other, it doesn't matter are pretty, smart, athletic, etc., compared with other people. You are enough just by virtue of being who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As another person who has had only one partner, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one! (My spouse had one other partner before me.) Occasionally I do wonder if I somehow missed out on some important part of life, but I'm happy now, so why would I change it? I would absolutely not risk my marriage to see if someone else might be a better lover than my spouse.

OP, I'm sorry your wife cheated, and you deserve a lot of respect for sticking with her and trying to work things out. Whatever was going on, she has apparently chosen to stay with you, as well. If you can make it work and be content with each other, it doesn't matter are pretty, smart, athletic, etc., compared with other people. You are enough just by virtue of being who you are.

OP here, She knows and admits it was a mistake She was drunk. She has cried quite a lot over her mistake- as have I. Like I said, sometimes reading these threads gets me down. I've been to the surviving infedility site and I find it depressing

[Anonymous]

One partner here as well - same reason as you OP. Sometimes I wish I would have had more experience before tying the knot, but, like you, I found the right guy and that was that. I used to think if a guy cheated on me, it would be the end - no questions. One day I found out that my brother cheated on his wife - they had a 5 year old and my sister-in-law called me in tears. It was the second time. I wouldn't have blamed her one bit for leaving. I don't know how or why, but she stayed. My neice is 17 now - an amazing girl - excells at everything - and her parents are best friends, despite it all. It made me give a lot of thought to seeing things so black and white. My heart goes out to you and I hope things work out.

[Anonymous]

I must vent on the subject of bragging about multiple partners.

A friend we get together with quite a bit (our children are friends) has told me several times that she and her husband met through casual sex. She says "most people ask how long your were dating before you slept together, but for us it was 'how long were you sleeping together before you started dating?"

And she says it in front of our children, and laughs, as if it's such a great thing, and aren't they the sophisticated ones. I find such a practice abhorrent. My response is "ewwww!"

If you've only had one partner, that's great. You found the right person the first time. Most of us are not so lucky.

OP, ignore all those who brag (like my friend, yuck!) about all their previous partners. When I think about my husband's previous partners, I want to throw up (I met a couple of them, which makes me even more ill). I wish I'd been the only one.

[Anonymous]

I've had many patients in therapy who wish they'd had fewer sexual partners. I have yet to see a patient who wishes she or he had had more sexual partners. Among my own close friends, the happiest are those who've had one or two partners. They have long-term relationships, happy kids, and a strong sense of self. They never looked to sex to provide them with validation. In the same vein, again among my closest friends, the three who are the least happy are those who have had the most sexual partners. Two are divorced and the third probably should be, to be very blunt about it. All three lack real confidence and a strong, coherent sense of self. It's troubling to me, because I know the lack of confidence led to seeking so many partners -- but seeking so many partners has, in turn, undermined their confidence and happiness.

If you found the right partner the first time, more power to you. I think it's fabulous. You are a rare person, and your partner is lucky.

[Anonymous]

OP here (again :wink. To all that posted, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Once more, what happened with my spouse was A HUGE MISTAKE and we know it. I'll spare you the details, but there was no intercourse invclved. When she thinks of what it would be like without me, it brings her to tears. I just knew she was the right person to me. She's never had so much fun and neither have I. Our relationship was no without its troubles. That and a whole lot of stress last year strained things immensely. I had a lot of growing up to do, and I've come a long way, but it's not over. A lot of times society dictates what is acceptable and not, and you have to have a lot of self-confidence to buck that kind of thinking. Those of you who have been kind and supportive have helped reassure me I made the right choices. Thankyou! I can tell you that commitment and fidelity mean a lot ot me for better and for worse. That is what marriage is.

[Anonymous]

sex is over-rated. Yes, it's fun but really most of the flings weren't that satisfying. Best sex was with serious BFs. If your DH is good in bed then you are golden!
Tell him you will leave him if he cheats again. Taking the kids and house will scare his pants off!!

[Anonymous]

Oooops. Just realized you are a man!! Sorry! You are so cool for not being a sleaze who is preoccupied with getting a notch on his goddam belt! I love it.

[Anonymous]

OP, one is OK. That is fine. The other partners will not feel any better. You are hurt. Decide what is right for you outside the sex issue.

[Anonymous]

I have read somewhere that women who enjoy sex the most are those in long term committed relationships of 10 years or more. The media would love to make you believe that the promiscuous women are having all the fun, when many are really faking orgasms while nervously sleeping with whomever wondering if they will soon develop a rash, bumps, or worse. After one or two nights, the humiliating reality hits, that something precious was given away to some cheap so and so who would screw your sister next if he could.
I agree with the pp who described these promiscuous folks as having low self esteem. I HATED that aspect of dating. I used to hope that the man would not gloat about his exes and his sexual prowess. I would say to myself, "I really want to like this guy, but I can't have him in my home raising kids together, he's a whore!"
OP, there are TONS of people who don't sleep around or use drugs, and so on. Keep your head up. That is not to say don't examine the marriage closer. It will be OK, you are on the right track.
Keep in mind that an affair could result in a pregnancy, charges of sexual harassment or rape, STDs of all varieties, law suits, it goes on and on.

[Anonymous]

I am in a difficult situation where my partner suffers from a physical limitation that makes it so that I can not enjoy sex...at all. I am not talking about impotence. That said, I do wonder if I will regret being in this marriage later on. I sometimes think about having an affair, but know that it will not feel right, so that is out of the question. There are so many challenges in a marriage, it is rarely ever simple.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'm still reading these responses. I feel like I have to keep repeating this: mistakes happen, especially when you're drunk. Part of the problem is that my desire to be faithful is very strong and that, coupled with the fact that I've only had one partner, makes it tough to move on- especially when things are made to look like there's something wrong with you if you're not out getting laid all the time. I'll admit there was a lack of confidence on my part, but even now, I still couldn't do it- not with some one I had no real interest in. To the 22:46, poster, I don't know if you are a man or woman, but hopefully there is something that can be done, especially if you feel that this person is the right one.

I very much appreciate all the responses! There's a lot of very nice people out there!

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I've only had one partner and for me that is just perfect because I found the right one. I am sorry about the infidelity, and I hope you can figure things out.