Proud single mom

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, OP! You and your daughter worked hard and deserve the wonderful opportunities.

Cannot believe you are still so young. I have friends start having kids after 40. You should date and have some fun, now that you have the leisure

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP!!! I was raised by a scrappy single mom and now I'm a divorced mom parenting solo 90% of the time. It's hard and I know you've sacrificed a lot to give her the best. It's so wonderful to hear about you both succeeding and the values you've instilled in her through your hard work and determination.

Enjoy this wonderful moment, you've done a great job and your daughter will surely continue to provide you immense joy and pride.

Have fun traveling and enjoy your solo time!

[Anonymous]

This is so wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm a single mom of a 9 month old and I pray that I am able to provide the inspiration to my daughter as you have done. This was so uplifting and inspiring for me to read. You are amazing OP!

[Anonymous]

What a beautiful story, OP. I am so happy for you and your awesome DD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just be a proud mom? Why do you need to include the label single? Btw I am a single mom as well but I find it a hokey label and never use it. I just say I am a mom.

Because we choose how we identify ourselves. And why can't you just be happy for a mom who caught a break? (NP here).

Thanks, PP. OP here killing time while DD is on a tour. Listen, I wrote about being a single mother because it is one of the most defining things that ever happened in my life. I had my daughter at 21 while trying to finish up student teaching. I don't begrudge anyone's decision in terms of how they view themselves, but I have spent 17 years as a parent completely and utterly alone. My parents did not support my pregnancy, viewed it as a disgrace, and basically spent five years estranged from me and DD (I was from a conservative, southern family). My boyfriend refused to step up and co-parent and basically disappeared for nearly ten years before re-appearing with a wife, children of his own and a sudden desire to occasionally invite my daughter to their family's functions (more often than not she's not included and he has no desire to spend more time with her). His parents even refused to acknowledge DD. I have struggled and been judged because of my decision to be a single mother.

Meanwhile, I went to school at night and spent my student loans to pay for a sitter to watch my daughter at night (thank God the district provided me tuition reimbursement) so I could finish my master's degree and clinical rotations. We did this while living in a studio apartment. I was alone, scared and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I saved my pennies and was able to buy a tiny townhouse in a decent school district by the time DD was in KG.

It was my choice and the right choice for me. I don't view the years as lost. I have grown in ways that make me seem so much older a 38-year-old. I have good friends in the trenches of small children and I recall those years fondly even with the stress. I don't regret anything. I have a career I love. I raised a great kid. I have a great group of friends and enjoy my hobbies.

I wanted to share my story to help someone who's in the struggle know that they can do what's right by their own children. It's a struggle, but you aren't alone.

I am the other single mom who asked why you need to define yourself this way.

What you don't realize us that by clinging on to this story and repeating it - you ultimately are saying to your child that she was an adversity you struggled with your whole life. You may not see it this way but your kid does even if they don't tell you. That had you not had her, your life would have been better, simple. As a single mom, I hear kids like yours talk about growing up and their parents. This story doesn't make them feel good or better or happy. It makes them feel bad. About themselves, about their life. Step back. Read this story from a child's perspective. Do not for a minute think your child doesn't know how you feel or hasn't heard this story. As a parting gift to your child, never mention being a single mom again and never mentioned you struggled for her or your life .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just be a proud mom? Why do you need to include the label single? Btw I am a single mom as well but I find it a hokey label and never use it. I just say I am a mom.

Because we choose how we identify ourselves. And why can't you just be happy for a mom who caught a break? (NP here).

Thanks, PP. OP here killing time while DD is on a tour. Listen, I wrote about being a single mother because it is one of the most defining things that ever happened in my life. I had my daughter at 21 while trying to finish up student teaching. I don't begrudge anyone's decision in terms of how they view themselves, but I have spent 17 years as a parent completely and utterly alone. My parents did not support my pregnancy, viewed it as a disgrace, and basically spent five years estranged from me and DD (I was from a conservative, southern family). My boyfriend refused to step up and co-parent and basically disappeared for nearly ten years before re-appearing with a wife, children of his own and a sudden desire to occasionally invite my daughter to their family's functions (more often than not she's not included and he has no desire to spend more time with her). His parents even refused to acknowledge DD. I have struggled and been judged because of my decision to be a single mother.

Meanwhile, I went to school at night and spent my student loans to pay for a sitter to watch my daughter at night (thank God the district provided me tuition reimbursement) so I could finish my master's degree and clinical rotations. We did this while living in a studio apartment. I was alone, scared and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I saved my pennies and was able to buy a tiny townhouse in a decent school district by the time DD was in KG.

It was my choice and the right choice for me. I don't view the years as lost. I have grown in ways that make me seem so much older a 38-year-old. I have good friends in the trenches of small children and I recall those years fondly even with the stress. I don't regret anything. I have a career I love. I raised a great kid. I have a great group of friends and enjoy my hobbies.

I wanted to share my story to help someone who's in the struggle know that they can do what's right by their own children. It's a struggle, but you aren't alone.

I am the other single mom who asked why you need to define yourself this way.

What you don't realize us that by clinging on to this story and repeating it - you ultimately are saying to your child that she was an adversity you struggled with your whole life. You may not see it this way but your kid does even if they don't tell you. That had you not had her, your life would have been better, simple. As a single mom, I hear kids like yours talk about growing up and their parents. This story doesn't make them feel good or better or happy. It makes them feel bad. About themselves, about their life. Step back. Read this story from a child's perspective. Do not for a minute think your child doesn't know how you feel or hasn't heard this story. As a parting gift to your child, never mention being a single mom again and never mentioned you struggled for her or your life .

Op here. Writing this from a gorgeous café in California drinking a great cup of coffee. Final leg!

Here is the thing, PP. Parenting, in any form, is a massive change to someone’s life. It is adversity. So every child pretty much should feel the way you feel if your point is that I shouldn’t talk about how being a single parent changed my life. Every parent – save for a few lucky ones – has stress about money, working, trying to be there for your kid(s).

I have friends who have small children now in our late 30’s and they are going through very similar struggles I did so long ago. Yes, they are married. And while that adds something in terms of support and changes the dynamic (sometimes better, sometimes worse), it does not change the fundamental fact that parenting changes your life. And my kid knows this. She knows that having a child is a huge decision and one that is life changing and will introduce challenges and JOY into life.

It was the fundamental change that shaped my adult life. In a nutshell, I had to grow up. Now, those first five years? Yes, they were incredibly stressful and hard. And I am proud I was able to make a home for my kid and a life for us.

I wrote about the judgment and loneliness because that happened to me. It happened to a lot of people in my shoes. It changed what I consider “family” and “friends.” It changed what I view as love and acceptance. I wrote about this so other people in my shoes wouldn’t feel so alone and know that we are in the struggle together.

To go from being raised by parents who coddled you, made you feel as though your value is entirely based on looks and getting into the right sorority, getting that fiancé nailed down before settling down in the right country club community and in the right church. To get the splash of cold water, where your parents cut you off during your final year of college, where your sorority basically cut you off, where you sold every single piece of jewelry and valuable to cover the first month’s rent and deposit for crappy studio and got on WIC for those few months before finally getting that first paycheck teaching.

It was a rough start. Other people’s stories might differ, but it doesn’t change the fundamental point – it’s hard to go it alone and you have to bring up a huge amount of inner strength to rise to the occasion.

But what I gained was the opportunity to learn about real love. True acceptance of not only my child, but myself. I learned that I was incredibly smart. I learned that I could do it on my own. I learned that I didn’t need my parents or a man to save me. And that deprogrammed the entire 21 years of my life where I was given the opposite message.

Like I said, I have a great life. I don’t walk around like this single mom martyr. I work hard, but I work with a great group of women, have a great hobby that I’m passionate about (running), and am looking toward the next phase of my life. I’m not this sad sack of woman, walking around bemoaning the life I lost when my daughter was born. In fact, I am thankful. I am thankful for the gift of my daughter. She showed me that I am so much more than I ever thought I could be.

And while I don’t know what she thinks, I do think her essay doesn’t reflect what you are saying. She’s a content kid. She’s more self-assured than I was at her age and more comfortable in her own skin than I was in my 20’s. Does she have moments? Yes, like all kids. But she is fundamentally a more secure, comfortable kid going into the world than I ever was.

What I have been doing is thinking through the next phase of my life. I don’t know where it will take me, but I do know that having raised a great kid, built a great career, and cultivated a fantastic group of friends, things are going to be great. Single or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where to post this, but my daughter was just accepted to every school she applied including several top schools that will cover her tuition since I make less than 125K.

OP, sorry to hijack your post -- is that $125K really an important number? (DH and I together make 123K exactly combined right now and I'm wondering if DS will qualify for any financial assistance if he gets into any top schools.)

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP! I'm a single mother too and you better believe it would be sweet relief to see your child or children off to the school of their dreams. Every parents wants the best for their kid, and as single parents we are not set up for that success. To have everything work out would be a dream come true.

[Anonymous]

Goosebumps of joy for you and your daughter, OP!

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP and OP's daughter! And also, thank you very much for posting this. Seriously, thank you. I am currently pregnant and will be a single mom when the baby is born and your story is exactly what I needed to see tonight.

To the other poster berating this lady for calling herself a single mom, please give it a rest. Sounds like her daughter is just fine, but maybe you have some issues about being a single mother.

[Anonymous]

Lovely!!! Congratulations to you both!

[Anonymous]

OP - Congratulations. You have done a wonderful job. Your post has inspired me. I am in the process of separation and with a young toddler to take care on my own. I'm so scared sometimes to do this alone, but your story makes me think that it is possible. I would love to hear more about how were the early stages of single motherhood for you. Thanks for posting this and congrats again to you and your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just be a proud mom? Why do you need to include the label single? Btw I am a single mom as well but I find it a hokey label and never use it. I just say I am a mom.

Because we choose how we identify ourselves. And why can't you just be happy for a mom who caught a break? (NP here).

Thanks, PP. OP here killing time while DD is on a tour. Listen, I wrote about being a single mother because it is one of the most defining things that ever happened in my life. I had my daughter at 21 while trying to finish up student teaching. I don't begrudge anyone's decision in terms of how they view themselves, but I have spent 17 years as a parent completely and utterly alone. My parents did not support my pregnancy, viewed it as a disgrace, and basically spent five years estranged from me and DD (I was from a conservative, southern family). My boyfriend refused to step up and co-parent and basically disappeared for nearly ten years before re-appearing with a wife, children of his own and a sudden desire to occasionally invite my daughter to their family's functions (more often than not she's not included and he has no desire to spend more time with her). His parents even refused to acknowledge DD. I have struggled and been judged because of my decision to be a single mother.

Meanwhile, I went to school at night and spent my student loans to pay for a sitter to watch my daughter at night (thank God the district provided me tuition reimbursement) so I could finish my master's degree and clinical rotations. We did this while living in a studio apartment. I was alone, scared and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I saved my pennies and was able to buy a tiny townhouse in a decent school district by the time DD was in KG.



It was my choice and the right choice for me. I don't view the years as lost. I have grown in ways that make me seem so much older a 38-year-old. I have good friends in the trenches of small children and I recall those years fondly even with the stress. I don't regret anything. I have a career I love. I raised a great kid. I have a great group of friends and enjoy my hobbies.

I wanted to share my story to help someone who's in the struggle know that they can do what's right by their own children. It's a struggle, but you aren't alone.

I am the other single mom who asked why you need to define yourself this way.

What you don't realize us that by clinging on to this story and repeating it - you ultimately are saying to your child that she was an adversity you struggled with your whole life. You may not see it this way but your kid does even if they don't tell you. That had you not had her, your life would have been better, simple. As a single mom, I hear kids like yours talk about growing up and their parents. This story doesn't make them feel good or better or happy. It makes them feel bad. About themselves, about their life. Step back. Read this story from a child's perspective. Do not for a minute think your child doesn't know how you feel or hasn't heard this story. As a parting gift to your child, never mention being a single mom again and never mentioned you struggled for her or your life .

Jesus PP, you are dead wrong. Studies show that when kids understand the sacrifices that their parents and grandparents made for them that they are truly more appreciative in life. Kids need to feel connected to their history and their families and this is a huge part of it. Growing up without a parent and grandparents is already defining. Mom is taking ownership of the narrative and showing her daughter how tough times help us grow. her DD is better for knowing what her mom sacrificed. Imagine being a young women knowing that you come from such a strong mom. Her DD will know that women can overcome anything. I wish my mom had been a strong role model but she can;t function without a man. OP you should proud. And your daughter is lucky to have you as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Congratulations. You have done a wonderful job. Your post has inspired me. I am in the process of separation and with a young toddler to take care on my own. I'm so scared sometimes to do this alone, but your story makes me think that it is possible. I would love to hear more about how were the early stages of single motherhood for you. Thanks for posting this and congrats again to you and your daughter!

OP here. The early stages were difficult. I basically turned inward in a way. I worked, I went to school at night, and I parented. I was fairly broke, but got by.

The best advice I can give you is to marshall your resources, including social support. There was a kind woman who babysat my DD when I was taking night classes who lived in our apartment building. When we moved to our TH, I made friends with neighbors and made an effort to sort of build a community. You will run into people who don't want to get entangled in your life, who don't want to help. That's totally fine! But focus your energy and resources on the people and things that support you. I took in that elderly neighbor ten years later and let her hospice in my home. You never know when you can pay it forward. Focus on your career, building a cushion and getting secure financially.

In terms of the ex, I don't have much advice but to just focus on your kid. My ex sort of disappeared for ten years and wouldn't really initiate contact or have any interest in DD until he was married and admitted to his wife he had a child. I think she pushed him to start to build a relationship, but that fizzled once they had kids. I think DD hears from her dad once every few years. Talking to friends who have more involved co-parenting situations, I think it can be complicated, but when it's done well, I think it's probably healthier than what my kid went through.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations to you and your daughter!
Signed,
Another single mom