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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why can't you just be a proud mom? Why do you need to include the label single?  Btw I am a single mom as well but I find it a hokey label and never use it.  I just say I am a mom.  [/quote]
Because we choose how we identify ourselves. And why can't you just be happy for a mom who caught a break? (NP here). [/quote]

Thanks, PP. OP here killing time while DD is on a tour. Listen, I wrote about being a single mother because it is one of the most defining things that ever happened in my life. I had my daughter at 21 while trying to finish up student teaching. I don't begrudge anyone's decision in terms of how they view themselves, but I have spent 17 years as a parent completely and utterly alone. My parents did not support my pregnancy, viewed it as a disgrace, and basically spent five years estranged from me and DD (I was from a conservative, southern family). My boyfriend refused to step up and co-parent and basically disappeared for nearly ten years before re-appearing with a wife, children of his own and a sudden desire to occasionally invite my daughter to their family's functions (more often than not she's not included and he has no desire to spend more time with her). His parents even refused to acknowledge DD. I have struggled and been judged because of my decision to be a single mother.

Meanwhile, I went to school at night and spent my student loans to pay for a sitter to watch my daughter at night (thank God the district provided me tuition reimbursement) so I could finish my master's degree and clinical rotations. We did this while living in a studio apartment. I was alone, scared and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I saved my pennies and was able to buy a tiny townhouse in a decent school district by the time DD was in KG.

It was my choice and the right choice for me. I don't view the years as lost. I have grown in ways that make me seem so much older a 38-year-old. I have good friends in the trenches of small children and I recall those years fondly even with the stress. I don't regret anything. I have a career I love. I raised a great kid. I have a great group of friends and enjoy my hobbies.

I wanted to share my story to help someone who's in the struggle know that they can do what's right by their own children. It's a struggle, but you aren't alone.[/quote]

I am the other single mom who asked why you need to define yourself this way.

What you don't realize us that by clinging on to this story and repeating it - you ultimately are saying to your child that she was an adversity you struggled with your whole life. You may not see it this way but your kid does even if they don't tell you. That had you not had her, your life would have been better, simple. As a single mom, I hear kids like yours talk about growing up and their parents. This story doesn't make them feel good or better or happy. It makes them feel bad. About themselves, about their life. Step back. Read this story from a child's perspective. Do not for a minute think your child doesn't know how you feel or hasn't heard this story.  As a parting gift to your child, never mention being a single  mom again and never mentioned you struggled for her or your life .
[/quote]

Op here. Writing this from a gorgeous café in California drinking a great cup of coffee. Final leg!

Here is the thing, PP. Parenting, in any form, is a massive change to someone’s life. It is adversity. So every child pretty much should feel the way you feel if your point is that I shouldn’t talk about how being a single parent changed my life. Every parent – save for a few lucky ones – has stress about money, working, trying to be there for your kid(s).

I have friends who have small children now in our late 30’s and they are going through very similar struggles I did so long ago. Yes, they are married. And while that adds something in terms of support and changes the dynamic (sometimes better, sometimes worse), it does not change the fundamental fact that parenting changes your life. And my kid knows this. She knows that having a child is a huge decision and one that is life changing and will introduce challenges and JOY into life.

It was the fundamental change that shaped my adult life. In a nutshell, I had to grow up. Now, those first five years? Yes, they were incredibly stressful and hard. And I am proud I was able to make a home for my kid and a life for us.

I wrote about the judgment and loneliness because that happened to me. It happened to a lot of people in my shoes. It changed what I consider “family” and “friends.” It changed what I view as love and acceptance. I wrote about this so other people in my shoes wouldn’t feel so alone and know that we are in the struggle together.

To go from being raised by parents who coddled you, made you feel as though your value is entirely based on looks and getting into the right sorority, getting that fiancé nailed down before settling down in the right country club community and in the right church. To get the splash of cold water, where your parents cut you off during your final year of college, where your sorority basically cut you off, where you sold every single piece of jewelry and valuable to cover the first month’s rent and deposit for crappy studio and got on WIC for those few months before finally getting that first paycheck teaching.

It was a rough start. Other people’s stories might differ, but it doesn’t change the fundamental point – it’s hard to go it alone and you have to bring up a huge amount of inner strength to rise to the occasion.

But what I gained was the opportunity to learn about real love. True acceptance of not only my child, but myself. I learned that I was incredibly smart. I learned that I could do it on my own. I learned that I didn’t need my parents or a man to save me. And that deprogrammed the entire 21 years of my life where I was given the opposite message.

Like I said, I have a great life. I don’t walk around like this single mom martyr. I work hard, but I work with a great group of women, have a great hobby that I’m passionate about (running), and am looking toward the next phase of my life. I’m not this sad sack of woman, walking around bemoaning the life I lost when my daughter was born. In fact, I am thankful. I am thankful for the gift of my daughter.  She showed me that I am so much more than I ever thought I could be.

And while I don’t know what she thinks, I do think her essay doesn’t reflect what you are saying. She’s a content kid. She’s more self-assured than I was at her age and more comfortable in her own skin than I was in my 20’s. Does she have moments? Yes, like all kids. But she is fundamentally a more secure, comfortable kid going into the world than I ever was.

What I have been doing is thinking through the next phase of my life. I don’t know where it will take me, but I do know that having raised a great kid, built a great career, and cultivated a fantastic group of friends, things are going to be great. Single or not :)[/quote]

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