Secret Nephew

[Anonymous]

OP, your brother cannot "do the right thing" because conceiving a child and never contacting that child and keeping that child a secret can *never* be made right. The whole issue is so messed up and so much bigger than "telling" or "not telling." You cannot force your brother to be a decent person and convincing him to "tell" will not fix this situation. Your brother is incredibly messed up and nothing can protect his children from that or "fix" it. You cannot minimize the fallout from this.

You cannot control your brother's behavior. But you can control yours. You can tell him, "I will not deny my nephew. If he calls me 'aunt' on Facebook, I am not going to cover it up and hide it from your children. If your children see it and ask me, I will tell them truthfully that he is my nephew. If they continue to ask questions I will tell them to discuss it with you. If my children ask me, I will tell them the truth. I will not ask them to hide it from anyone."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that is your BROTHER. talk to him. everybody just yes's him and so yes it's okay to abandon his son? that's horrible. he should step up. if he's been married this long, I'm sure his wife can learn to deal.

OP here. I have had discussions encouraging him to do what it right. So have parents. The kids will eventually find out about each other - if not before, definitely at one of their grandparents' funerals. Just concerned that the kids will find out about it the wrong way. Also feel lots of sympathy for nephew, who really deserves to have the option to meet his siblings. But points to myob taken.

PP here. OP, you sound like you have a good heart, but this isn't your burden. You can't spare your brother the consequences of his actions or in this case inaction. I have a little firsthand experience with this. My dad had two kids I never met or knew about until I was 14. He had an affair that resulted in 2 kids. He made it hard on himself, and finally just blurted it out because a well meaning relative like yourself kept insisting he should do it. I I think it would have gone better if he had done so in his own time.

Like a PP said just make sure you are supportive when it all does come out and in the meantime keep seeing your nephew. That's it. Everything else is for your brother to resolve with his children.

to clarify OP, these 2 posters were not the same person. and I would keep it real with your brother and tell him like it is. that he needs to tell. and tell him FEAR is a fatal error in assessing reality. he needs to get past that. he can't change the past. he can only do the next right thing. from here on, keep his side of the street clean. and you can be there for him and his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

Bad advice. Why does OP and her children have to be liars because her brother is one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your brother cannot "do the right thing" because conceiving a child and never contacting that child and keeping that child a secret can *never* be made right. The whole issue is so messed up and so much bigger than "telling" or "not telling." You cannot force your brother to be a decent person and convincing him to "tell" will not fix this situation. Your brother is incredibly messed up and nothing can protect his children from that or "fix" it. You cannot minimize the fallout from this.

You cannot control your brother's behavior. But you can control yours. You can tell him, "I will not deny my nephew. If he calls me 'aunt' on Facebook, I am not going to cover it up and hide it from your children. If your children see it and ask me, I will tell them truthfully that he is my nephew. If they continue to ask questions I will tell them to discuss it with you. If my children ask me, I will tell them the truth. I will not ask them to hide it from anyone."

+1000 Don't protect your brother's deceit anymore. I would not force your brother to come clean; he seems too cowardly. However, I would tell him that you will maintain an open and non-secretive relationship with the secret nephew and you will be honest with your kids about their cousin.

When his "legitimate" kids find out, your brother will have a monstrous mess on his hands. Your brother didn't just have an extramarital child, but he compelled his extended family members to maintain his secret for almost two dozen years, presently. You will be part of the fallout for protecting the deceit but at least you can honestly say that you were very reluctant about it.

Also, your other nephews will probably want to discuss things with you since you have maintained an open relationship with their half sibling--you might be the only relative that they will trust for information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should be patient for a little while longer, OP.

Keep pressing your brother - he has to do the right thing. There is definitely a right and wrong here! It's not a MYOB situation, it's a moral situation (and I am not religious or anything).
Right would be to welcome this young person as his child and have him meet his family.
Wrong is to keep it hushed up.
Every year the burden becomes harder on the child.

You can explain that therapy would be a great way to deal with reunification of the family. Your brother can go by himself first before making a decision.

This, but don't bother with your brother. This kid must know who his father b/c you have a relationship with him--regardless if he's ever met his father. His mother must have clued him in.

Please continue to include him as part of your family b/c he is. If he asks or your kids ask; tell the truth. Don't try to force relationships; they either come or they don't.

I will second this advice. Let your nephew know you will do right by him as his aunt, you just can't force others to do the right thing. Your brother should be ashamed for not coming forward already. Your nephew who didn't asked to be born into this mess is left to suffer continually.

[Anonymous]

OP. Your brother is disgusting for choosing to keep this a secret still. He has no backbone and is heartless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your brother cannot "do the right thing" because conceiving a child and never contacting that child and keeping that child a secret can *never* be made right. The whole issue is so messed up and so much bigger than "telling" or "not telling." You cannot force your brother to be a decent person and convincing him to "tell" will not fix this situation. Your brother is incredibly messed up and nothing can protect his children from that or "fix" it. You cannot minimize the fallout from this.

You cannot control your brother's behavior. But you can control yours. You can tell him, "I will not deny my nephew. If he calls me 'aunt' on Facebook, I am not going to cover it up and hide it from your children. If your children see it and ask me, I will tell them truthfully that he is my nephew. If they continue to ask questions I will tell them to discuss it with you. If my children ask me, I will tell them the truth. I will not ask them to hide it from anyone."

+1000 Don't protect your brother's deceit anymore. I would not force your brother to come clean; he seems too cowardly. However, I would tell him that you will maintain an open and non-secretive relationship with the secret nephew and you will be honest with your kids about their cousin.

When his "legitimate" kids find out, your brother will have a monstrous mess on his hands. Your brother didn't just have an extramarital child, but he compelled his extended family members to maintain his secret for almost two dozen years, presently. You will be part of the fallout for protecting the deceit but at least you can honestly say that you were very reluctant about it.

Also, your other nephews will probably want to discuss things with you since you have maintained an open relationship with their half sibling--you might be the only relative that they will trust for information.

I doubt they will if she's the one who tells them, even inadvertently, that they have a brother.

I'd just be vague if anyone asks who he is. I'd say he's a family friend or something similar, but keep allowing aunt/nephew if he wants to keep that up.