Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.

OMG I am going to be a fantastic MIL!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merging families can be hard. If you're a MIL, what are the things you wish you could say to your DIL or wish she did differently? What drives you crazy? There is a lot of "MIL drives me nuts" talk on this site, but what are the pain points on the other side of the relationship?

My DIL seems to be a little bit scared of me. Why in the heck is she scared of me???? I am just a mere mortal, with good stuff and faults like anyone else. No one else has ever been scared of me. I am not the great and powerful Oz.

I would also like to tell her that I wish that gifts were acknowledged. We live 1,400 miles apart from each other. I send gifts for the kids a couple times a year. They are never acknowledged. I suspect her thinking is that her husband / my son should acknowledge the gifts. But when I ask him about them, he doesn't know what I am talking about, since she usually brings in the mail, and he works a lot of hours and isn't home much.

There is more to the story and she is probably trashing or regifting them. How hard is it to send a few sentence email and have the kids call for 5 minutes. Your son needs to step up more. Email him you are sending it. Email when the package arrives.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God, your son needs to take responsibility for something and should indeed call you about gifts or events. He isn't an idiot. Time for him to step up. Wife is also busy so give her a break. I don't have a MIL as husband's mom passed before I met him, but you seem to be making excuses for your "baby boy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.

Consider taking her side. I loved my MIL - I am the OP of the 'missing my MIL' thread. And among the wonderful things she did was take my side on classic marital stuff. She knew I loved her son, so if she saw him acting like a male idiot or I complained about it she would call him on it. She always acted like she gained me rather than losing him, and I felt that. And in turn I have treated my husband's family like my own, and I know my MIL appreciated that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree, PP. I will add for myself: I didn't stop loving my baby boy the day he became a husband. I still love him and I hope you will share him when you can.

See what PP wrote above about losing a son vs gaining a DIL. My MIL went overboard with the whole "sharing" thing. She does not want to assume a grandmother's role, instead, she insists on "sharing" my husband and children, i.e. she wants me out of the house when she's there, she wants her and me to spend equal time alone with my DH and children. At first, DH went along with her wishes, but then I could not take this ridiculous set up anymore and blew up. DH reconsidered and some things have changed; MIL is not very smart to understand why I was upset but follows her son's wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merging families can be hard. If you're a MIL, what are the things you wish you could say to your DIL or wish she did differently? What drives you crazy? There is a lot of "MIL drives me nuts" talk on this site, but what are the pain points on the other side of the relationship?

My DIL seems to be a little bit scared of me. Why in the heck is she scared of me???? I am just a mere mortal, with good stuff and faults like anyone else. No one else has ever been scared of me. I am not the great and powerful Oz.

I would also like to tell her that I wish that gifts were acknowledged. We live 1,400 miles apart from each other. I send gifts for the kids a couple times a year. They are never acknowledged. I suspect her thinking is that her husband / my son should acknowledge the gifts. But when I ask him about them, he doesn't know what I am talking about, since she usually brings in the mail, and he works a lot of hours and isn't home much.

Why should she acknowledge it? "Because she's the woman"? Come on. Tell your son that HE needs to acknowledge the gifts--tell him they are on the way so he knows to look out for them.

Too bad you *and your husband* didn't raise your son to acknowledge gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, PP. I will add for myself: I didn't stop loving my baby boy the day he became a husband. I still love him and I hope you will share him when you can.

See what PP wrote above about losing a son vs gaining a DIL. My MIL went overboard with the whole "sharing" thing. She does not want to assume a grandmother's role, instead, she insists on "sharing" my husband and children, i.e. she wants me out of the house when she's there, she wants her and me to spend equal time alone with my DH and children. At first, DH went along with her wishes, but then I could not take this ridiculous set up anymore and blew up. DH reconsidered and some things have changed; MIL is not very smart to understand why I was upset but follows her son's wishes.

Ew, yeah. You don't "share" a husband/son. He's your son--no one else but your spouse/partner can "share" that or take that away. He's her husband, and no one shares that or can take it away.

Your relationship with your son is UP TO YOU AND YOUR SON. It has nothing to do with DIL "sharing." Want to talk to him? Pick up the phone. Want him to call you more? ASK HIM/TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, PP. I will add for myself: I didn't stop loving my baby boy the day he became a husband. I still love him and I hope you will share him when you can.

See what PP wrote above about losing a son vs gaining a DIL. My MIL went overboard with the whole "sharing" thing. She does not want to assume a grandmother's role, instead, she insists on "sharing" my husband and children, i.e. she wants me out of the house when she's there, she wants her and me to spend equal time alone with my DH and children. At first, DH went along with her wishes, but then I could not take this ridiculous set up anymore and blew up. DH reconsidered and some things have changed; MIL is not very smart to understand why I was upset but follows her son's wishes.

Ew, yeah. You don't "share" a husband/son. He's your son--no one else but your spouse/partner can "share" that or take that away. He's her husband, and no one shares that or can take it away.

Your relationship with your son is UP TO YOU AND YOUR SON. It has nothing to do with DIL "sharing." Want to talk to him? Pick up the phone. Want him to call you more? ASK HIM/TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL.

Amen sister.

[Anonymous]

After my husband and I got engaged, my MIL told me that he takes her on dates, and that it's the highlight of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merging families can be hard. If you're a MIL, what are the things you wish you could say to your DIL or wish she did differently? What drives you crazy? There is a lot of "MIL drives me nuts" talk on this site, but what are the pain points on the other side of the relationship?

My DIL seems to be a little bit scared of me. Why in the heck is she scared of me???? I am just a mere mortal, with good stuff and faults like anyone else. No one else has ever been scared of me. I am not the great and powerful Oz.

I would also like to tell her that I wish that gifts were acknowledged. We live 1,400 miles apart from each other. I send gifts for the kids a couple times a year. They are never acknowledged. I suspect her thinking is that her husband / my son should acknowledge the gifts. But when I ask him about them, he doesn't know what I am talking about, since she usually brings in the mail, and he works a lot of hours and isn't home much.

Chances are, she told him about the gifts and he does not remember. Don't put this on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merging families can be hard. If you're a MIL, what are the things you wish you could say to your DIL or wish she did differently? What drives you crazy? There is a lot of "MIL drives me nuts" talk on this site, but what are the pain points on the other side of the relationship?

My DIL seems to be a little bit scared of me. Why in the heck is she scared of me???? I am just a mere mortal, with good stuff and faults like anyone else. No one else has ever been scared of me. I am not the great and powerful Oz.

I would also like to tell her that I wish that gifts were acknowledged. We live 1,400 miles apart from each other. I send gifts for the kids a couple times a year. They are never acknowledged. I suspect her thinking is that her husband / my son should acknowledge the gifts. But when I ask him about them, he doesn't know what I am talking about, since she usually brings in the mail, and he works a lot of hours and isn't home much.

Chances are, she told him about the gifts and he does not remember. Don't put this on her.

Agree 100%. We have a rule in my house - I deal with communication with my family, and my husband deals with communication with family. I am not some sort of "communications switchboard". Once we implemented that rule, a wave of peace washed over our home. I don't expect my husband to pick up the phone and call my mom. In the same sense, I don't pick up the phone and call my MIL. If she sends us a gift, I tell my husband. What he does with that info is up to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.

Consider taking her side. I loved my MIL - I am the OP of the 'missing my MIL' thread. And among the wonderful things she did was take my side on classic marital stuff. She knew I loved her son, so if she saw him acting like a male idiot or I complained about it she would call him on it. She always acted like she gained me rather than losing him, and I felt that. And in turn I have treated my husband's family like my own, and I know my MIL appreciated that.

This is good advice. My mother pretty much ALWAYS takes my DH's side. She'll encourage me to be more forgiving or point out that what I'm complaining about is a petty squabble. She normally turns it on me to try to make ME be nicer to HIM. It's annoying, but also really sweet. She adores him! And she doesn't want me to eff it up haha. When we are together, she dotes on him or asks me to. Like "oh sweetie, make your DH a sandwich, he looks hungry!" which gets a steely stare from me. DH loves it.

[Anonymous]

I have the same rule in my house - I deal with my family and husband with his family.

Only problem is that whenever I see my husband's parents, my MIL goes out of her way to find out if he's told me things that she's told him (he usually hasn't told me, and she gets mad) and point out things that husband didn't tell her that she thinks he should have (i.e. we bought a new car and she was outraged that he didn't tell her until a couple months later).

Since we're both working parents it's impossible for me to do all the communicating with both sides of our families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.

OMG I am going to be a fantastic MIL!!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merging families can be hard. If you're a MIL, what are the things you wish you could say to your DIL or wish she did differently? What drives you crazy? There is a lot of "MIL drives me nuts" talk on this site, but what are the pain points on the other side of the relationship?

My DIL seems to be a little bit scared of me. Why in the heck is she scared of me???? I am just a mere mortal, with good stuff and faults like anyone else. No one else has ever been scared of me. I am not the great and powerful Oz.

I would also like to tell her that I wish that gifts were acknowledged. We live 1,400 miles apart from each other. I send gifts for the kids a couple times a year. They are never acknowledged. I suspect her thinking is that her husband / my son should acknowledge the gifts. But when I ask him about them, he doesn't know what I am talking about, since she usually brings in the mail, and he works a lot of hours and isn't home much.

She's intimidated by you since you are critical of her.