My sister is quitting her job to care for my mother

[Anonymous]

Thank you for thinking about this, OP. All the suggestions PPs made are great things for you to offer. Also, telling your sister that you appreciate what she's doing and want to help as much as you can from a far is important.

[Anonymous]

Pay for weekly cleaning of your mother's house, preferably a service that includes laundry. Send gift cards to your mom and sister's nail salon, hair salon, favorite restaurant, etc. Then, in a few months, talk to your sister again and ask her, now that she's in a bit of a routine, what you could do that would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

You can offer to pay, but the best thing is to relieve her from her task frequently so that she can reenergize/ regroup. If you say you can come every 6 weeks, then give her the break then. Just time for herself to rest and do personal things.

[Anonymous]

Op,
Just a thought here, since this is my industry.
The likelihood that a person (your mother) who didn't like home health aides and essentially is refusing their services, is going to be pleasant and happy with the free care your sister is going to give is unfortunately a bit low.

It is very common for children to get the absolute brunt of a parents anger, resentment and general malaise about being old, sick and tired (it must be awful, no judgment from me)and having to rely on someone else to do everything "right." No one will do it exactly right (think about a meal at a restaurant or a house cleaner. Is it exactly how you would do it? No) and that becomes a very stressful and demanding time for the caregiver, especially one that is giving up a job and her time for free to help. I read your account thinking "oh no, this poor woman" and I meant your sister

She will need your undying support that she is doing everything the best she can and zero criticism, especially if your mom now starts to complain about how she does things.

I would make all your help about how to help HER, just like you would do with a new mom, how can you help her so she can help your mom.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read all of the posts but you could start an account into which you put all the money you are currently paying for home health care. Then that pool of money could be available whenever it's needed for your mom, or your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe send sis and her family on a vacation and you go out there for a week this summer?

A week? I have taken care of an elderly relative and It is an unbelievable difficult job. One week in summer? My, how generous! How about one week every quarter and two weeks for a real vacation, than time of her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should pay her the same a in-house or visiting nurse would be paid.

This is what I do what my SIL, who helps out with my Dad because I live in a different state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,
Just a thought here, since this is my industry.
The likelihood that a person (your mother) who didn't like home health aides and essentially is refusing their services, is going to be pleasant and happy with the free care your sister is going to give is unfortunately a bit low.

It is very common for children to get the absolute brunt of a parents anger, resentment and general malaise about being old, sick and tired (it must be awful, no judgment from me)and having to rely on someone else to do everything "right." No one will do it exactly right (think about a meal at a restaurant or a house cleaner. Is it exactly how you would do it? No) and that becomes a very stressful and demanding time for the caregiver, especially one that is giving up a job and her time for free to help. I read your account thinking "oh no, this poor woman" and I meant your sister

She will need your undying support that she is doing everything the best she can and zero criticism, especially if your mom now starts to complain about how she does things.

I would make all your help about how to help HER, just like you would do with a new mom, how can you help her so she can help your mom.

+1

I would try to put mom into an assisted living facility. While it is very nice of your sister to give up her job to take care of your mother, this will most likely not turn out well for your mother or sister.

[Anonymous]

If your mother owns a home then I would let your sister have it after your mother passes. That is what happened in my family.

[Anonymous]

I am the caregiver for my mother. As a caregiver- I hardly ever get a break to do something for myself. I would suggest you go for a week and send your sister on a vacation. She will need a break!

[Anonymous]

Omg just read some of the comments that I skipped over. Please do not put your mother in an assisted care facility unless absolutely necessary. My mother slaved over her mother out of concern and love. The doctor told my mom that it was a burden but that she added five years of life to my grandmother. We had originally placed her in care but she was so sad we brought her home. If your sister can help your mom then you owe your mom the company of someone who loves her. This was just my experience please do not think I believe it applies to all situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Great ideas. They dont have pea pod in their area but I might call around a try and find some sort of food delivery option. I could have one load dropped off at my moms and another one at her house. Cleaning service is another good idea. My mom has one but not sure is SIL does. Keep the ideas coming. As for going on a vacation I think that sounds ideal and will try and get with other sibs and make that work. She doesn't have children, which is another reason I feel bad. I feel like she kinda felt she had to do it since the rest of us are raising our kids. I dont want it to seem like her free time is less valuable because she is child free.

Tread this very lightly. I would not be ok with you doing a cleaning service in my home. I think its great others do it, but I would not want someone in my home/personal space. Same goes with food, it would be uncomfortable for me. Honestly, calling and seeing how she is, calling mom and visiting and while you visiting take over the daily care are the best things you can do. Money does not solve its a difficult situation in this case and your sister wants to do it or feels obligated, so let her. It isn't about having kids or not. She is the only one stepping up to do it. Offering her money, food, vacations is not the way to go. If anything, have your mom change the will so sister is left slightly more of the share for caring for mom as an appreciation. Your sister has already declined money. While the other posters are well intentioned, it puts her is an uncomfortable situation to decline. Your helping - time is far more important.

I don't agree with this at all. I think these are situations where it's really true that it's the thought that counts. If you do nothing bc you're afraid she might not like it, she doesn't see you making any effort at all and she may come to resent you. Keep talking with her about what she needs and how you can help. The vacation idea is a good one. Any expenses you can pick up will make it seem like the burden is being shared more equally. I saw my Mom bear the burden of caring for both her parents as they aged, despite having three siblings, because she was the only one who lived in the area. The other siblings are generally good people but I don't think they had any idea how hard it was and they didn't do anything extra financially or otherwise, which made it seem like they didn't appreciate the sacrifices my Mom was making.

One thing that really bothered my mother was when her siblings would show up for brief periods of time and question her decisions (like when her mother had Alzheimers and had to be institutionalized, her brother showed up for about a week and decided that really that wasn't necessary. Meanwhile, my grandmother was putting on a "good face" for him and he wasn't seeing the worst of her behavior (violent outbursts, refusing to eat, attempting to run away) that my Mom and grandfather had to deal with. My mother was very hurt and angry about this). So I would say, you should also defer to your sister in this space - when she tells you something is necessary, don't question her unless you have a really good reason to.

Those behaviors you are describing are very normal with Alzheimers and dementia. It happened in our home with my MIL. She saved her outbursts and negativity for me and as soon as my husband came home she flipped. That is the illness, no the person.

I never would have accepted money, nor do I today, to provide the care needed for my MIL. I would find it really uncomfortable. She has no nothing at this point, except what we buy her, so if anything just someone pitching in and purchasing clothing and other needed things given the nursing home ruins things quickly would be the most appreciated thing. Or, time, which OP does have. Continuing the caregiver is a help. A vacation for a week, is not a help if OP cannot comfortably care for her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,
Just a thought here, since this is my industry.
The likelihood that a person (your mother) who didn't like home health aides and essentially is refusing their services, is going to be pleasant and happy with the free care your sister is going to give is unfortunately a bit low.

It is very common for children to get the absolute brunt of a parents anger, resentment and general malaise about being old, sick and tired (it must be awful, no judgment from me)and having to rely on someone else to do everything "right." No one will do it exactly right (think about a meal at a restaurant or a house cleaner. Is it exactly how you would do it? No) and that becomes a very stressful and demanding time for the caregiver, especially one that is giving up a job and her time for free to help. I read your account thinking "oh no, this poor woman" and I meant your sister

She will need your undying support that she is doing everything the best she can and zero criticism, especially if your mom now starts to complain about how she does things.

I would make all your help about how to help HER, just like you would do with a new mom, how can you help her so she can help your mom.

+1

I would try to put mom into an assisted living facility. While it is very nice of your sister to give up her job to take care of your mother, this will most likely not turn out well for your mother or sister.

It depends on mom's needs. OP has not said what the needs are but I would do everything possible to stay out of a facility. My MIL is in what most would consider a "good" facility, and it is marginal at best. I still spend a few days a week dealing with her needs and fighting them to get her basic needs met. They insist we use their doctors who are horrible and neglectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Right now my mom needs about 5-7 hours of care a day. 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the evening and then sometimes an appointment in-between or errand or whatever. They do like to get out when she's having good days so I think the grocery gift card will be a good idea. Im thinking of sending a few gift cards a month to places like the grocery store, my moms hair salon, my sisters hair salon, and some local shops my mom likes. I do agree I need to ask what I can do in a month and beyond because I think my sister needs to settle into a routine first. I just dont want resentment to build up. I am not particularly close with my sister (she is oldest, I am youngest, we didnt spend many years in the house together and we lead different lifestyles) but I really love her and appreciate her and just want to keep communication open. Im just nervous about this next big step.

I would keep the caregiver for one shift a day. That way your sister is only there once a day and it isn't a huge burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should pay her the same a in-house or visiting nurse would be paid.

Well, half of that at least (assume if you hired a nurse, you'd both contribute, right?).