My sister is quitting her job to care for my mother

[Anonymous]

These are all good ideas. Would your sister be willing to tell you which would be the most helpful to her if you presented her with the various options? For example, in this situation I would prefer to do my own grocery shopping but would love a cleaning service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Great ideas. They dont have pea pod in their area but I might call around a try and find some sort of food delivery option. I could have one load dropped off at my moms and another one at her house. Cleaning service is another good idea. My mom has one but not sure is SIL does. Keep the ideas coming. As for going on a vacation I think that sounds ideal and will try and get with other sibs and make that work. She doesn't have children, which is another reason I feel bad. I feel like she kinda felt she had to do it since the rest of us are raising our kids. I dont want it to seem like her free time is less valuable because she is child free.

Tread this very lightly. I would not be ok with you doing a cleaning service in my home. I think its great others do it, but I would not want someone in my home/personal space. Same goes with food, it would be uncomfortable for me. Honestly, calling and seeing how she is, calling mom and visiting and while you visiting take over the daily care are the best things you can do. Money does not solve its a difficult situation in this case and your sister wants to do it or feels obligated, so let her. It isn't about having kids or not. She is the only one stepping up to do it. Offering her money, food, vacations is not the way to go. If anything, have your mom change the will so sister is left slightly more of the share for caring for mom as an appreciation. Your sister has already declined money. While the other posters are well intentioned, it puts her is an uncomfortable situation to decline. Your helping - time is far more important.

I don't agree with this at all. I think these are situations where it's really true that it's the thought that counts. If you do nothing bc you're afraid she might not like it, she doesn't see you making any effort at all and she may come to resent you. Keep talking with her about what she needs and how you can help. The vacation idea is a good one. Any expenses you can pick up will make it seem like the burden is being shared more equally. I saw my Mom bear the burden of caring for both her parents as they aged, despite having three siblings, because she was the only one who lived in the area. The other siblings are generally good people but I don't think they had any idea how hard it was and they didn't do anything extra financially or otherwise, which made it seem like they didn't appreciate the sacrifices my Mom was making.

One thing that really bothered my mother was when her siblings would show up for brief periods of time and question her decisions (like when her mother had Alzheimers and had to be institutionalized, her brother showed up for about a week and decided that really that wasn't necessary. Meanwhile, my grandmother was putting on a "good face" for him and he wasn't seeing the worst of her behavior (violent outbursts, refusing to eat, attempting to run away) that my Mom and grandfather had to deal with. My mother was very hurt and angry about this). So I would say, you should also defer to your sister in this space - when she tells you something is necessary, don't question her unless you have a really good reason to.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who said that the best thing you can do is trust your sister. She's going to be the one doing the ins and outs of care, she's going to know more about what needs done and what is or isn't helpful than anyone. Express your appreciation, and respect this knowledge she is going to have.

Keep putting what you were putting towards the home health aid aside to use as needed towards your mom's care. Whether that's more frequent flights out, whatever it is, just keep that up. You'll find use for the money.

[Anonymous]

If it isn't something your sister will accept now, you can always forego or adjust inheritance when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Great ideas. They dont have pea pod in their area but I might call around a try and find some sort of food delivery option. I could have one load dropped off at my moms and another one at her house. Cleaning service is another good idea. My mom has one but not sure is SIL does. Keep the ideas coming. As for going on a vacation I think that sounds ideal and will try and get with other sibs and make that work. She doesn't have children, which is another reason I feel bad. I feel like she kinda felt she had to do it since the rest of us are raising our kids. I dont want it to seem like her free time is less valuable because she is child free.

Above everything else, I'd be sure to tell her what you're telling us so she knows you appreciate her sacrifices and don't take her efforts for granted. And, then I'd repeat that regularly. In addition to a vacation, grocery delivery, etc., maybe send her notes and cards just to let her know you're thinking of her and lending support, even from afar.

[Anonymous]

And revisit every so often. Every few months just casually ask how it's going and if there's anything you or sibling #3 can contribute that would make it easier.

She may not even know yet since she hasn't started doing this full time, and she'll be in a better place to answer in a month or two.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think ask her once before she starts, but before she starts, it may be too overwhelming to think about what she needs. Give her a week or two into the routine and ask again, adding more suggestions of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it isn't something your sister will accept now, you can always forego or adjust inheritance when the time comes.

Not diminishing the things PPs have said, but your sister is taking a significant hit to her future earning potential as well as to her retirement with this move.

I think contributing to 529s for her kids would be welcome. YOu don't need her permission - just set up those accounts with them as the beneficiary.

Could you also contribute to an IRA for her ?

[Anonymous]

Is your mom disabled? They may want to go grocery shopping themselves to give them something to do. I would prefer a gift certificate to the local grocery store over a grocery delivery, but that's me.

Maybe a couple of massage's a month? or mani/pedi if she's into it? Something nice just for her would likely be very appreciated.

I echo the pp's advice to ask now but keep asking in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it isn't something your sister will accept now, you can always forego or adjust inheritance when the time comes.

Not diminishing the things PPs have said, but your sister is taking a significant hit to her future earning potential as well as to her retirement with this move.

I think contributing to 529s for her kids would be welcome. YOu don't need her permission - just set up those accounts with them as the beneficiary.

Could you also contribute to an IRA for her ?

she doesn't have kids

[Anonymous]

I would consider paying for a weekly lunch or dinner for the both of them. Are they mostly home bound? Are there cultural things they can do that you can subsidize? Plays? TV subscription? Maybe hire someone to come to your mom's house once a week for a manicure?

I'd also make sure that she has some sort of back up person who can fill in for a few hours if she needs some down time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Right now my mom needs about 5-7 hours of care a day. 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the evening and then sometimes an appointment in-between or errand or whatever. They do like to get out when she's having good days so I think the grocery gift card will be a good idea. Im thinking of sending a few gift cards a month to places like the grocery store, my moms hair salon, my sisters hair salon, and some local shops my mom likes. I do agree I need to ask what I can do in a month and beyond because I think my sister needs to settle into a routine first. I just dont want resentment to build up. I am not particularly close with my sister (she is oldest, I am youngest, we didnt spend many years in the house together and we lead different lifestyles) but I really love her and appreciate her and just want to keep communication open. Im just nervous about this next big step.

[Anonymous]

Pay for a cleaning lady every other week at your mom's house and sister's house.

You and your sister are really kind to do this for your mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, is there an adult day program that could care for your mom a few hours a week to give your sister a break? Your mom might like it better than a home health aide because day programs offer socialization and activities. If so, you could pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should wait until things settle. Then have a talk. Your sister may be more comfortable with one-time expenses that are less salary-like. For example, does the bathroom need safety bars? Any new appliances? There is a lot that needs to be done to keep an older person safe, in the long run. Ramp, staircase lift, remodeling so your mom can live on one level, all that stuff. Perhaps you could start setting aside money for those eventualities. You can also pay for a home nurse if something comes up that requires professional care. Also be financially and personally prepared to fly out in an emergency.

Another question is how your sister would like to handle it when she (your sister) is ill. If she gets the flu or whatever, who will care for your mom? Encourage her to find (and you pay for) a trusted aide for this sort of thing. It is going to happen eventually so you are better off with someone who is already familiar.