Nerve wracking guilt about my pet cat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs.
I slept at night, woke up just once. Might eat today, was hungry yesterday. Tears are drying up.

Friday and weekend though are still heavy on my heart. His decline was inevitable, his dying bloodwork showed stage 4 kidney failure as well.
Atleast my trauma would have been avoided if I had given enough time and thought to proritize correctly.
Now I cant trust myself anymore to proritize or make sound decisions. This is what hurts the most. For 3 continuous days I was making a series of progressively worse decisions for him and subjecting myself to self inflicted pain.

Any recommendations for grief counselling?

That happens to all of us at the end of our pet's life, OP. You aren't a vet, and you didn't have access to any of that information, and you also have other things going on in your life competing for your attention. Try to focus on what a good cat parent you were for so many years - if you hadn't adopted him it would have been much worse for him. Forgive yourself for being human. That's what it boils down to. We all live and learn, and this experience will inform your choices going forward.

Glad you're sleeping. I wonder if the ASPCA has links to counsellors that specialize in bereavement. They used to have that in the Philly area but not sure about here.

[Anonymous]

OP, the ASPCA has a pet loss hotline that provides phone counseling - (877)-474-3310. If you go to aspca.org they also have links to other resources for bereavement.
You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

One more thing - i hope I wasn't out of line yesterday in suggesting you might have anxiety or that your reaction seems extreme. By no means am I a professional. I imagine the hotline counselors have helped countless numbers of people in your situation. Hopefully they can link you to support services, too. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs.
I slept at night, woke up just once. Might eat today, was hungry yesterday. Tears are drying up.

Friday and weekend though are still heavy on my heart. His decline was inevitable, his dying bloodwork showed stage 4 kidney failure as well.
Atleast my trauma would have been avoided if I had given enough time and thought to prioritize correctly.
Now I cant trust myself anymore to prioritize or make sound decisions. This is what hurts the most. For 3 continuous days I was making a series of progressively worse decisions for him and subjecting myself to self inflicted pain.

Any recommendations for grief counselling?

That happens to all of us at the end of our pet's life, OP. You aren't a vet, and you didn't have access to any of that information, and you also have other things going on in your life competing for your attention. Try to focus on what a good cat parent you were for so many years - if you hadn't adopted him it would have been much worse for him. Forgive yourself for being human. That's what it boils down to. We all live and learn, and this experience will inform your choices going forward.

Glad you're sleeping. I wonder if the ASPCA has links to counsellors that specialize in bereavement. They used to have that in the Philly area but not sure about here.

Thanks, I ate toast, felt good. Glad I fed him broth since he must also have felt good after days of hunger.

I try telling myself that death cannot be and probably should not be routine and pleasant. I was reading online stories about how pets can have even more traumatic death e.g. hospitalized for days, mauled by dogs/coyotes, hit by cars etc. My silly cat also once got under the neighbors backyard deck, and they have a ferocious dog. Luckily I noticed he was not around the house within a few hours, and was able to get him back on time before the dog was let out. This was 2 years ago.
And yes, if we had not adopted the fat 3 yr old black cat, he may have been put down with fully functioning kidneys and pancreas.

And you are so right about the information and vet, my primary vets were giving me consistent message that he needs to go given his extreme weight loss for over a week, even before the bloodwork came back, so I was getting prepared.
But the ER vet told me he has tooth abscess, antibiotics can turn him around, hospitalization can turn him around etc. which made me cling to false hope over the weekend and difficulty in letting go.
It was such a twisted sequence of events, I went in for a scan to check for lymphoma tumors since that can help us decisively opt for euthanasia , and since there were no same day appointments, took emergency route, and the doctor ended up giving medical info and antibiotics and false hope.

I am so glad I have all these random pictures, he does look smug and fat all through the years.

I am not sure what I have learnt though, I only have regret that I could have prioritized him on Friday over stupid work meetings/Target run/Amazon shopping and instead taken him to the vet in the morning so she could have caught his further decline and imminent death. I have taken 3 days off work now, and the world has not ended. Could have avoided the 6 hr ER stress for him and ER death. Gotten time to think clearly, talk to DH.

But what is the life lesson? Avoid ER always, DH thinks that is extreme crazy. Prioritize living over non living things, maybe? But I did not know he was at death's door. I just think I need to let go of the false sense of control especially over life and death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the ASPCA has a pet loss hotline that provides phone counseling - (877)-474-3310. If you go to aspca.org they also have links to other resources for bereavement.
You're not alone.

Thanks I will call them today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing - i hope I wasn't out of line yesterday in suggesting you might have anxiety or that your reaction seems extreme. By no means am I a professional. I imagine the hotline counselors have helped countless numbers of people in your situation. Hopefully they can link you to support services, too. Best of luck.

Thanks, my grief was overwhelming and as one of the PPs noted this is my first direct experience with death and that could be the reason. Also I have a huge regret mentality, likely from my mom as she regrets her life events, way back from like 40 years ago.
I used to regret my college performance, jobs I took vs not taken, houses I bought vs not bought, moving houses, money spent vs not spent, how I could have avoided premature birth of my kid, more therapies/less therapies and so on and so forth. I mentioned before, these things have turned around with time. But since I am prone to such second guessing, maybe it is hitting me harder. I need to understand how to strike a healthy balance between useful regret, learning lessons and letting go.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I am very sorry for your loss. I know that you did everything you could to save him!! I hope one day soon you can see this too!! unfortunately, as you said some things in life we just do not have control over. This is one of those situations.What you could control, you did, and what you could not, cannot be changed ; ( It never could have been.) I can tell you this. if you go back to that site, and look at my thread, you will see that YOU are the reason why I still have my cat. From the 22nd. there's something positive and everything, hopefully, you'll see the positive in this too. I can NEVER repay you for that, but I will ALWAYS be grreatful to you. you have a place in my heart forever as does your baby!

Thank you, and keep your chin up.
You did an amazing thing for someone else, and their baby.
You did an amazing act of kindness by hey docking me your baby. Give yourself credit for what you have done. Make a list of all the positive things that came with the joy of having your kitty, and try to focus on that when you catch yourself focusing on the things that were not in your control. Remember, it is okay to grieve. Just try to allow yourself to have the credit you deserve for being an amazing pet parent. here's an idea that may help. maybe, it would be good for you as well as your oldest child to put together all, or some of those pictures together and make a collage for your family wall. also, it would be a great way to remember his life, and talk about the memories in those pictures, and how happy that day was. Or how funny that day was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I am very sorry for your loss. I know that you did everything you could to save him!! I hope one day soon you can see this too!! unfortunately, as you said some things in life we just do not have control over. This is one of those situations.What you could control, you did, and what you could not, cannot be changed ; ( It never could have been.) I can tell you this. if you go back to that site, and look at my thread, you will see that YOU are the reason why I still have my cat. From the 22nd. there's something positive in everything, hopefully, you'll see the positive in this too. I can NEVER repay you for that, but I will ALWAYS be greatful to you. you have a place in my heart forever as does your baby!

Thank you, and keep your chin up.
You did an amazing thing for someone else, and their baby.
You did an amazing act of kindness by adopting your baby. Give yourself credit for what you have done. Make a list of all the positive things that came with the joy of having your kitty, and try to focus on that when you catch yourself focusing on the things that were not in your control. Remember, it is okay to grieve. Just try to allow yourself to have the credit you deserve for being an amazing pet parent. here's an idea that may help. maybe, it would be good for you as well as your oldest child to put together all, or some of those pictures together and make a collage for your family wall. also, it would be a great way to remember his life, and talk about the memories in those pictures, and how happy that day was. Or how funny that day was.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, too many errors in the first one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I am very sorry for your loss. I know that you did everything you could to save him!! I hope one day soon you can see this too!! unfortunately, as you said some things in life we just do not have control over. This is one of those situations.What you could control, you did, and what you could not, cannot be changed ; ( It never could have been.) I can tell you this. if you go back to that site, and look at my thread, you will see that YOU are the reason why I still have my cat. From the 22nd. there's something positive and everything, hopefully, you'll see the positive in this too. I can NEVER repay you for that, but I will ALWAYS be grreatful to you. you have a place in my heart forever as does your baby!

Thank you, and keep your chin up.
You did an amazing thing for someone else, and their baby.
You did an amazing act of kindness by hey docking me your baby. Give yourself credit for what you have done. Make a list of all the positive things that came with the joy of having your kitty, and try to focus on that when you catch yourself focusing on the things that were not in your control. Remember, it is okay to grieve. Just try to allow yourself to have the credit you deserve for being an amazing pet parent. here's an idea that may help. maybe, it would be good for you as well as your oldest child to put together all, or some of those pictures together and make a collage for your family wall. also, it would be a great way to remember his life, and talk about the memories in those pictures, and how happy that day was. Or how funny that day was.[/quote

Hi PP, thanks, I am glad you are benefiting from the catsite, but they gave me false hope as well with their militant views, diagnosing my cat over the internet, making me second guess the primary vet, urging me to rush to ER, blaming Convenia, blaming me for even thinking about putting him down etc. So my experience has been hellish, though feeding broth was a good suggestion and I am grateful. But this is all because I waited till last minute.
I hope things work better for you.

Yes you are right, the old pictures and talking to the vet on Tuesday about his unavoidable terminal condition ( and DH and DCUM )have really made me see things in a better perspective. It was his time to go, plain and simple.
I have put up his pictures on the wall, will make an album, have his urn, collar/hair near my bedside. We talk about him all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, too many errors in the first one.

Hi PP, thanks, I am glad you are benefiting from the catsite, but they gave me false hope as well with their militant views, diagnosing my cat over the internet, making me second guess the primary vet, urging me to rush to ER, blaming Convenia, blaming me for even thinking about putting him down etc. So my experience has been hellish, though feeding broth was a good suggestion and I am grateful. But this is all because I waited till last minute.
I hope things work better for you.

Yes you are right, the old pictures and talking to the vet on Tuesday about his unavoidable terminal condition ( and DH and DCUM )have really made me see things in a better perspective. It was his time to go, plain and simple.
I have put up his pictures on the wall, will make an album, have his urn, collar/hair near my bedside. We talk about him all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, too many errors in the first one.

Hi PP, thanks, I am glad you are benefiting from the catsite, but they gave me false hope as well with their militant views, diagnosing my cat over the internet, making me second guess the primary vet, urging me to rush to ER, blaming Convenia, blaming me for even thinking about putting him down etc. So my experience has been hellish, though feeding broth was a good suggestion and I am grateful. But this is all because I waited till last minute.
I hope things work better for you.

Yes you are right, the old pictures and talking to the vet on Tuesday about his unavoidable terminal condition ( and DH and DCUM )have really made me see things in a better perspective. It was his time to go, plain and simple.
I have put up his pictures on the wall, will make an album, have his urn, collar/hair near my bedside. We talk about him all the time.

DCUM is a wonderful site! I agree with you, there are some people on the other side that doesn't give the best advice. however, I did follow your post and I can tell you that I believe you did the right things. I sort through what I think is BS, and what I think is helpful. I know you did too. trust me, I have never seen anyone work so hard at saving their beloved pet as you! :**( personally, I think the world of you. I know that's not much consolation to you right now. one day, I hope you will see how much you have affected someone else's life in a very positive way. there was one person on there that I message frequently who gave very very good advice. and.... There are those that I just pass on by with their advice to me. What matters here is that you are okay. I just want to know that you are okay, and if I can do anything to help you just believe that I am here for you. The only downside to this site here, is that there is no way to email you. So, I will only know how you are doing by coming to this particular thread and checking on you. I promise you, I will! You are always in my thoughts. I know people say that to be comforting, but I truly mean it with everything that is good in this world. Take care of yourself, eat, and get some rest! you are a very strong woman! I could not have handled that any differently or better. Honestly, I don't think anyone giving you advice could have either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs - I love my cats too. I am not sure I totally followed the sequence of events, but I will say that I am not always sure if aggressive treatment is the best. Your kitty was not doing well - letting him go through inaction may have been best.

Give yourself time to grieve, but if you continue to be unable to sleep or eat, seek counseling.

I agree with PP. As someone who lost a beloved old cat a few years ago (after what I think of as "skinny old cat syndrome") I'm not sure you could have done much more -- and even if you could have, it might not have been for the best. You loved your cat and gave him a wonderful home, I'm sure.

Thanks, my DH and primary vet feel the same. I wish I had decided one way or the other and stuck to the plan rather than going back and forth with treatment options and facilities. A lot of online advice also misled me and made me switch strategies when time was running out.

Yes we adopted him after he was given up by his owners, but even here I feel guilt that I should have spent more quality time with him. I would have spent 1-2 days dedicated to him if I had know his end was so near.
I had always promised him that before he dies I will give him all the junk food he loves (chips, pretzels etc) but when I tried this on Fri it was already too late, He was moving before ER visit, but he would just come and stare at the plate I had laid down for him.

This is grief talking. You did the best you could. Your cat had a good life and love thanks to you. Sometimes the end doesn't come as we would want or expect, for anyone. It's not your fault it played out this way. Forgive yourself. Grieve. Take time to rest and feel sad.

[Anonymous]

Your friend where whom you recommended to the other site. You are strong! Plus, you have a lot of people here who care about you, to include me. this is never easy, and doubting yourself is part of the process. however, I just want you to know that there is no reason for you to doubt yourself. Honestly, you truly did everything in your power. And I am sending a great big virgil squeeze hugs to you!! No one here is misleading you. Remember that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, too many errors in the first one.

Hi PP, thanks, I am glad you are benefiting from the catsite, but they gave me false hope as well with their militant views, diagnosing my cat over the internet, making me second guess the primary vet, urging me to rush to ER, blaming Convenia, blaming me for even thinking about putting him down etc. So my experience has been hellish, though feeding broth was a good suggestion and I am grateful. But this is all because I waited till last minute.
I hope things work better for you.

Yes you are right, the old pictures and talking to the vet on Tuesday about his unavoidable terminal condition ( and DH and DCUM )have really made me see things in a better perspective. It was his time to go, plain and simple.
I have put up his pictures on the wall, will make an album, have his urn, collar/hair near my bedside. We talk about him all the time.

DCUM is a wonderful site! I agree with you, there are some people on the other side that doesn't give the best advice. however, I did follow your post and I can tell you that I believe you did the right things. I sort through what I think is BS, and what I think is helpful. I know you did too. trust me, I have never seen anyone work so hard at saving their beloved pet as you! :**( personally, I think the world of you. I know that's not much consolation to you right now. one day, I hope you will see how much you have affected someone else's life in a very positive way. there was one person on there that I message frequently who gave very very good advice. and.... There are those that I just pass on by with their advice to me. What matters here is that you are okay. I just want to know that you are okay, and if I can do anything to help you just believe that I am here for you. The only downside to this site here, is that there is no way to email you. So, I will only know how you are doing by coming to this particular thread and checking on you. I promise you, I will! You are always in my thoughts. I know people say that to be comforting, but I truly mean it with everything that is good in this world. Take care of yourself, eat, and get some rest! you are a very strong woman! I could not have handled that any differently or better. Honestly, I don't think anyone giving you advice could have either.

Oh thank you. catsite is full of cat experts, no doubt about that. They have tons of experience on cat health and is a great online resource, I think some of them are professionals. Some are obviously a bit extreme. My problem was since I started posting only on Friday night when he had already started his shutdown, they were not aware of his progression over the past week and felt I was not trying enough and my vet was not good enough. Again my own lapse.

DCUM is a great resource for all life matters, and obviously there is some not so good advice here as well (anywhere online for that matter) but usually I have the ability to discern what applies and makes sense to my life.
In my desperation for my cat, I could not do that over the weekend. I could not even think straight about getting a home vet or even about taking him to the Petsmart vet on Sunday, 5 mins from my house, together with DH. A life threatening stress shutdown my brain in more than one way.

However I am doing better, thank you, I slept, ate, can work and can also think of him without crying.